Things are pretty stable here, haven’t had any calls from the facility and I have not been visiting as often as I did over the summer. Part of it is that this is a busier time for me at work, and part of it is that sometimes it is hard to make myself go over.
My parents don’t remember how often I visit, and while they enjoy when I pop in, it doesn’t feel like going 1 x week versus 3 x week has any difference on their quality of life. But 3 x week is a lot harder on me, because it is difficult to have to see them and their deficits and be helpless to do anything.
I feel like if they had physical impairments I would be over there a lot just to hold their hand and chat and relieve their situation. But as is now, often our conversations revolve around things like “surfcity, I am so glad you are here. Can you help us figure out how to check out of this hotel? And we need to buy a house today, can you find one?” It’s exhausting.
My 90 y/o mother was back into the hospital with leg pain and weakness. She had her kidney Stent changed while she was there. After a week they kept saying they don’t have a reason for her pain. I drove from Chicago to Detroit last Sunday. Talked to many doctors (I am one also). I kept telling them that “I don’t know” is an excuse not a diagnosis. I made them perform some tests after I examined her. So yes worse compression of nerves from the back. Forced them to do some physical therapy and she is feeling better. She’s trying to do as much as possible in the hospital since she only has 8 days left for her rehab if she needs extended care… Agh.
Having her case manager be her ally has really helped a lot.
She is one month from having hip implant surgery and did well until last week with unexplained leg pain that is not related. Like her 4th time in the hospital /rehab this year with fracture pelvis and other issues related to tripping /falls. She was actually not walking correctly. She was not walking heel - toe. She was walking like forefoot to forefoot. I came in to work with Physical therapy to correct it since they didn’t even notice it… Agh! Once fixed they were amazed how well she can walk.
Last year she was living independently , cooking, driving etc. Her mind is still there and her memory is better then all of us put together…
My mother doesn’t drive any more but lives on her own and is home recovering from broken hip (September), so it’s Caregiving Lite here. She handled my trip out of state nicely. I called her daily, plus she still had visiting nurses / PT / OT coming.
I came home to voicemails about rescheduling specialists for her and need to untangle all that tomorrow. She gets overwhelmed easily and bemoans the “hell” of having upcoming appointments and admin tasks. I’m practicing empathy for her and calming breaths for me.
I had a great 10 day respite in early October and am still dealing with the aftermath of having mom go to a nursing home for those 10 days. First, I like the SNF, and feel calm knowing she’s safe and cared for there. But - there is a drastic decline in her abilities when she returns home. They can’t spend an hour waiting for her to slowly get her legs out of bed, inch to the edge, and eventually stand up, so they were using a two-person lift to move her around. Over there, she is always in a wheelchair, while here I have her use a rollator while I walk alongside her. It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I hope she can get back to where we were before her respite stay.
Hey folks, my mother didn’t remember that I was away! Does this mean I can kick up my heels and travel the world?!
Back to the grind. Today I entered her AL room just as she again pushed the wrong button on her tv remote, the one that cuts off video signal. She started yelling at me that I had ruined her tv! Argh. I don’t think she can handle the tv remote anymore (half the time she uses it as a phone).
@surfcity your post was really helpful. I am glad you are finding it possible to visit less, but also empathize with the reason you want to go less (like most people here).
I keep thinking about those who are living with their parents or spouses with dementia. I really don’t know if I could do it.
I’m waiting for the next hospital or rehab to move my mother to memory care.
@surfcity I completely support your taking care of yourself as first priority. Caregivers have a tendency to self-sacrifice to try any & everything for the caree, but at our own peril. I have told many people that having my mother live with us for a decade and need a lot of help the last 2-4 years with dementia, I know for a fact there were 100+ moments where I could have been more patient/compassionate/ or kind or interested or caring or whatever, for that one moment, but no way I could have maintained that level of frenzied all out efforts for ten years.
I really priortized ensuring I could maintain my sanity (It was a close thing some days!) and keep her in our home, for our circumstances it worked out as the best choice, I would NOT recommend it for all or even most people. But I definitely had to be thinking long term stability.
Good point. We have two large and energetic dogs, and we haven’t trained them to be absolutely bombproof about not bumping into people. When my mother comes over, one of us (humans) needs to have her within arm’s reach to run interference.
What I would like is a way for me to stay at her apartment overnight conveniently. She’s got only her one bed, and I won’t share it. No spare bed, no couch large enough. We have plenty of camping supplies and bedding to set me up on her floor in an emergency, though.
Dogs! Oh my goodness, my mother was so funny about the dogs. We do have big dogs and at times have had puppies. She continually put herself in harm’s way, standing at the top of the stairs to pet them, opening the door when the were running back to the house and then standing in the doorway. It was amazing they never knocked her over, she had no sense of self preservation and that was years before dementia, it was just common sense and some misplaced desire to be in the middle of the action.
HouseChatte, be careful about sleeping on the floor in your mom’s place! I slept on the hotel floor once in ATL (was staying there with my mom and grandmother, as we were sending Grammy back to SLC early the next am). Gram got up during the night, didn’t know I was there, tripped and broke her humerus. Wound up staying with us two more weeks til she was cleared to fly. She never forgave me.
The doctor talked us out of having my dad come live with us. Thank goodness he did. My Dad (dementia) gets up multiple times a night and paces, he is completely noncompliant with almost everything and will scream at the top of his lungs when you try to shower, or dress him, or even take his shoes off.
@CountingDown thanks, I certainly need to remember that! She broke her wrist falling on sidewalk two years ago and broke her hip tripping over chair leg second half of September. She doesn’t need any help from me to have another one!!
No @surfcity because my dad doesn’t know who I am and I can’t understand what he says. But, I do remember those exhausting conversations in the past. Currently, the exhaustion is trying to pretend I understand what dad says and try to respond appropriately. My visits tend to be 3 times/week but they are pretty short. It really helps that he is 1 mile away. It helps.
Hugs @GTalum, it is tough, and I know you are the only child left to tend to your dad. As someone said to me above, it is important to take care of yourself too, especially when you know that he is in a safe and caring environment.
My mother is still living on her own, capable, lucid, health actually improving as she recovers from her broken hip (graduated from walker to cane). Only thing she doesn’t do is drive. She’s getting a little worked up about the holiday prep she wants to do, but is getting really good at breaking it down into steps and asking for help when something is too much. So far it looks like a season of occasional talking-off-an-edge but hopefully not working up to a crisis.
How is everyone else handling the upcoming holiday climate?
I’ve always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for our extended family (well, for 23 years), but these past couple of years since my mom’s condition has worsened (needing ft caregiving from me) has added new levels of stress. In addition to the regular chore of preparing the house, kitchen, food, myself, for company, I have to spend anywhere from 1-2 hours getting mom ready, too. Minor problems in the world scheme of things, but not insignificant to being able to entertain with a gracious spirit.
So far I’ve started some shopping, but will finish in earnest over the weekend, then tackle some basic cleaning and kitchen prep. The weekend after Thanksgiving, we will entertain more family, then get a short break before Christmas. The next month is going to fly by.
My Dad (in Memory Care for over 2 years) has just recently started pooping in inappropriate places, so will have to wear pullups from now on. Ugh. I think that makes him Stage 6 on the Alzheimers Scale.
For the first time since before our D was born, we are staying home with just the three of us for Xmas. I hosted the whole family for both xmas eve and xmas day for over 10 years and then last year we went to FL and traveling for the holidays was stressful.
I have a little bit of guilt about not going to FL to see my parents but I will go two weeks before. My mom doesn’t know the difference.
