Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
1421

<p>Gt, I found one that is about 2800 a month. Is this about the average? That’s really expensive (3x my mortgage). My guess is if she sold her house she’d get About 150k for it. Which would pay for about five years. I’m not sure what she has saved up in addition to that. She doesn’t go anywhere or buy anything so I’m guessing a decent amount since her house has been paid off for 15 years.</p>

<p>She’s also backwards from most people… She worked third shift her whole life and hasn’t managed to break herself of that sleeping habit… So waking up at two to start her day is normal.</p>

1422

<p>$2800/month is a pretty good price. Many retirement centers have a “buy in” as well. But, usually the monthly fee includes everything: Food, maintenance, maid service, transportation…I suspect she also gets a SS check every month as well. Usually retirement centers are paid from monthly income+savings+home equity. Your parents or you just need to sit down with your grandmother to discuss finances and see if it’s doable. </p>

<p>For independent living, her schedule should not matter.</p>

1423

<p>Yeah this place includes everything. It also says they have free travel to their sister centers where you can stay in guest quarters throughout the USA for free. She’d love that.</p>

<p>I’ll send my parents the link. I guess it might depend on what her companion winds up doing.</p>

<p>I worked at this place for a summer years and years ago.</p>

1424

<p>It sounds like part of the Holiday Retirement group. They are expensive, but there is an advantage of not having the “buy in” that many other retirement centers have. Just remember, there will be an additional charge for things such as bathing assistance.</p>

1425

<p>For those with experience, how do you keep your composure on a daily basis? I’ve been holding it in for weeks but finally lost it yesterday. Mom was sneaking out to get mail but my daughter saw her and said she barely made it back up the driveway without falling. (Inside, she is constantly reaching for something to hold to steady herself.). Anyway, she argued with me that she can do that and wouldn’t see my side. I basically told her it’s a house rule that my husband gets the mail. (plus his business mail comes here and she has already turned her beautiful room into hoarder heaven- so lord knows if she takes anything of his into her room it will never be seen again!). Then I brought up 2 fake charity checks she just wrote and snuck into the mail. She tried to deny them. I am so upset that after spending hours sending letters to get her removed from mailing lists, she has just gone and added herself back on. I let her know how upset i am with her. We stayed in our separate parts of the house for the rest of the night. She isn’t bad enough for me to get control of her finances but she is the most gullible person I know.
I’m also stressed over our first time taking her back to her town and house this weekend. And now her brother and sister are planning to show up to add to the drama. This is supposed to be our summer vacation. No house “work” but a chance for her to pick up a few things. My sibs will be there too. (Remember, they hadn’t been in touch for 6 weeks since she got here? ) deep breathing needed…</p>

1426

<p>Locking mailbox? I am sorry.</p>

1427

<p>My grandmother was in an Independent Living place owned by Holiday, in AZ, and it was very well run. But, pricing will vary by location. (True in general.) And I think it’s safe to say that the culture/style/recreation at any depends on the group of residents. In our case, AZ was pretty darned inexpensive. Even in ILiving, they usually serve meals on their schedule. On occasion, they will bring a meal or something light to the room (if someone is ill, eg, but it wasn’t a long term mode at any of the places she lived.) There can be one or two practical nurses, not affiliated with a company, but available on their own. My Grandmother had one to remind her of her pills, when she had a doc apt coming up, etc. She didn’t need much, so this was probably about $10/day, less than an hour. The woman had a varying number of clients in the building. We liked having that pair of eyes.</p>

<h2>It can be AL that runs costs up. Need meal reminders or escorts, Rx, management, regular BP monitoring, showering assistance? Cost, cost, cost. There’s a lot good on the web by senior advocates. And, info provided by the states.</h2>

<p>My mother is also a night owl. Often goes to bed about 5 am, which will be a meal issue if she does move to a retirement place. Last week, we set a date for lab tests on Monday am. I was firm, matter-of-fact that we needed to keep to this, other obligations to work around, the car was going for repair on Tues-Wed, and we leave on Sat. </p>

<p>This triggered a long lecture (you know the song.) More about how many different ailments she has (all related, btw, to those 3 appts where she bailed on D2.) And, YUP, cancelled on Sun night. </p>

<p>How do we keep our composure? Beats me. I have to admit, I don’t feel guilty. If we are basically trying our best, juggling, etc, we have to rest on that.</p>

1428

<p>lookingforward- i also do not feel guilty.
psychmomma- I thought of forwarding your mail to PO box- alot of work and delays mail in getting it for H business, thought of locking mailbox also but I think you can put mail in the slot (she could) but not take mail out (your H mail) which would solve 2 things not taking H mail and not getting charity mail without you seeing it and throwing it out, thought of having a small safe at home to ‘lock up those important checks’ thereby eliminating the check writing without you knowing it.</p>

1429

<p>also psychmomma- hate to say this but- people fall - inspite of watching- they fall going to the bathroom</p>

1430

<p>^^ Indeed they do. My dad is a champion faller, most often in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Insists he DOES NOT NEED to use a walker for that short distance. Short of putting a 24-hour watch on him, there’s not much we can do.</p>

<p>psychmomma, my heart goes out to you. Re keeping composure, if you go back through this thread, you’ll see that most of us have struggled with that, but I think it must be especially difficult with a parent living in your home. </p>

<p>Going forward, it’s going to be important for you to carve out some time for yourself, on a VERY regular basis. Get out of the house every day for a walk, and every week to do something fun and relaxing. Maybe sign Mom up at a local senior center day program. And have a weekly date night with your DH, come hell or high water. Make it a priority to get out of her presence at least once or twice a week. Constant exposure to each other is hurting your relationship and is going to quickly wear you out.</p>

<p>Support, support, support. It takes a village to care for an elderly parent. Do you have siblings who can spell you, or at least present a united front to Mom on some of these sticky problems? Is your DH backing you up? Is he there for you when you’re crumbling? (You may need to ask him for what you need; DHs don’t always get it). Is there a social worker involved or other professional with whom you can share your frustrations and brain-storm some solutions? Clergy? </p>

<p>Also, there are a lot of caregiver support organizations out there. Check with your hospital or google for a local organization. </p>

<p>I wish I had some words of wisdom on the whole mail issue. It’s typical of a whole bunch of issues with seniors – money, driving, walkers – they’ve lived as they pleased for 5 or 6 decades and see no reason to change, and now we ungrateful whippersnapper kids are bossing them around. It must be upsetting to them, and often, they rebel. The fight about mail is maybe a fight about control. She doesn’t want to admit to herself, and certainly not to you, that her ability to run her own life is failing, and now this one issue becomes the flashpoint for a larger power struggle. You’re just trying to protect her, but she sees it as you trying to take over her life, so she asserts herself by sneaking around to do what she wants to do despite you.</p>

1431

<p>

When my Mom thought this she started hiding things so the “thieves” wouldn’t get her valuables … and she naturally had no memory of where she hid anything … and she hid things really well; in my dad’s sox, in boxes in the basement, etc. So we went through her stuff and took away anything really valuable (dollars or memories) that shouldn’t be lost before she hid it. As it is when we clean out the house we really should go through everything carefully in case there are valuables hidden.</p>

1432

<p>

This sounds like Capgras syndrome. OR reduplicative paramnesia, part of the delusional misidentification syndromes <a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusional_misidentification_syndrome[/url]”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusional_misidentification_syndrome&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

1433

<p>

Suggestion from the peanut gallery. Call the parent’s primary care physician and explain the situation and ask them to include a dimentia evaluation in the parent’s next visit. Our experience has been docs are very good about respecting patient privacy but also working with relatives to help care for elderly patients.</p>

1434

<p>psychmomma - so sorry for the situation. I was going to say everything LasMa already said about taking care of yourself. Truly, doing so is a gift to your mom and everyone in the home and you DESERVE a break! I think the PO Box may be worth the effort. </p>

<p>My MIL turns 88 this week. She and FIL are still in their home and driving. They should have moved AT LEAST 10 years ago (many health issues, house falling apart around them, filled to the gills with CRAP - e.g. broken down vehicles, and beyond their budget). It’s a plane ride with connections away. I just wish they would be reasonable and realistic and make the necessary changes. H will avoid the tough discussions about the house and driving until there is an emergency or an accident. I am sympathetic to all involved but just so frustrated that none of them are doing the “right” things. I would much rather deal with a move, downsize, etc. when no one is in the hospital or grieving and when H and I (who both work full time) can take some planned time off work.</p>

1435

<p>jym- while i have seen a few capgras of people/pets, i had never seen ‘things’. Interestingly my mom thinks her dehumidifier has been replaced- this got me thinking this may be more common than i thought if you add ‘things’ to it. we were taught this syndrome was rare but i suspect it frequently is under the radar and not a chief complaint when it is ‘things’.</p>

1436

<p>Psych mamma…my condolences. I haven’t better suggestions, except to give her over to the visiting relatives for as long as you can get away with it.</p>

<p>Mnmom… Both grandma and mom have done the hiding things. After futzing around for 8months, DH has put his foot down and said finish this, plus we need to rent moms house to help pay for those reminders about showers from the al place. By the way, long term care won’t pay because she can shower herself… But without a reminder and someone counting the towels, she would shower randomly but go two weeks or more. Ick.
…anyway, I am here tossing drawers again, both my brother and I have taken turns finding $$$ and I found a $4000 diamond ring in an empty glasses case (of which there are at least 50 scattered in drawers) but them empty glasses case was in a gag with 14 other empty cases. We don’t dare just toss a bag of empty glasses cases… Makes clearing out stuff very. Ers slow.
And it can’t really be turned over to others.
Tired now and getting tireder. I did take envying,s advice and didn’t bring Mom back to say goodbye. Just as I was about it do it , I realized that she was talking about going “home” to a place she hadn’t lived for 30 years. It would have been bad to show up at grandmas house where she DID live for 30 years, taking care of gramdmas in h Alzheimer’s years… I think it really is contagious because I am down to the layers layed down by grandma and untouched by mom all this time.ack</p>

1437

<p>So sorry you are going through all this, eso.</p>

<p>I got a call from my late dads estate attorney. We have paid the final accountant bill (we essentially had to do the last estate taxes twice and pay our accountant down here to redo what we paid the accountant up there to do-- and he did wrong… but I digress). So We have paid the last if the bills… it seems, and can disperse the last small amount of funds held back to cover these last bills. Ironically, the trust atty, who has been wonderful and with whom I’ve worked now for about 9 years since my mom’s death, and I share the same birthday, which was yesterday. It was a strange passage confirming on our birthdays the final distribution and closing of the estate. My )%($&)+^&*$)^& brother has been absolutely silent other than to episodically threaten, demand or harass. I will not miss that.one.iota. The funds will hopefully be dispersed within the next week or so-- hopefully in time for my brother’s birthday. Anyone wanna guess if I got a bday card from my brother for my 60th?? Don’t even waste a second’s thought on that one. NOT.</p>

1438

<p>esobay: I feel for you and can relate to the arduous task of cleaning out a home and having to go through everything because you’re not sure where things are hidden. I’ve done this twice, once when she moved from her 2 br apt into AL, and then when she moved from AL to a nursing home. I did the best I could going through all the drawers and closets, but I’m sure I must’ve left something of value behind in these moves, or donated them by accident. I searched what I thought were her usual hiding places, but who knows where else she may have hidden things. </p>

<p>We do the best we can. Hang in there.</p>

1439

<p>I’m currently trying to clean out my own home (why do these projects always hit in summer?) and have enough trouble deciding what to toss. The eyeglass case example, an old musical instrument, my favorite skirt from, yikes, middle school. </p>

<p>About the trips to the mailbox. I’ve been wondering how much of that is two things: repeating an old routine from when she was more independent, actually getting outside, doing the task; for some elderly, even one 10-minute task feels like an accomplishment for the morning or afternoon. And/or, the need/desire to see “who contacted me?”</p>

<p>So, psychmomma, does she have enough to do in your house, that could distract her, give her some sense of old and regular routines? A semblance of responsibility? I agree the senior center is a good idea- if it’s a somewhat active group. </p>

<p>My friend got around the mail issue with her FIL by handing him his “mail” each am. She had items that he could read for a while, think about. Very controlled. He had “his mail” and was happy. didn’t need to go out to the box.</p>

1440

<p>Found the best possible options for FIL with dementia and MIL in independent living; they were two miles apart, and although MIL still drives, she rejected this plan because she wanted them to be in same place. Fair enough. </p>

<p>We spent six months trying to get them into appropriate, affordable placements in same building, and last week we moved MIL into independent living apt and FIL into memory care room in same building. She has been to see him once. Exactly what was the point of being in the same place??</p>