<p>This is so true! I wish Frontline would do a series on the cesspool of con artists who target vulnerable elderly people. I recall my shock the first time I visited my mom and she engaged a phone scammer in conversation. She was so happy to get a phone call, and due to early stage dementia had no suspicion that the person on the phone had bad intentions. Shortly after that we were able to convince her to let my brother help her with her finances, and I suspect his name on checks and other documents has helped head off the vultures. </p>
<p>I just wonder about the scope of abuse among elderly without family and friends watching out for them.</p>
<p>Today is moving day for my FIL. I’m at work but hubby is there getting the furniture moved. For some reason when MIL said the “home” (as she calls it) had a bed available I didn’t know he had to bring his own actual bed. I’m still confused about that. But she bought him a new queen sized bed and is having it delivered today. Why he needs a queen when he will be sleeping by himself now is also confusing to me but she is a confusing woman to say the least. I do hope it is somewhat of a relief on her to not have to take care of him anymore, but she, like many, seems concerned about her finances in paying for this place.</p>
<p>This is my MIL/FIL. They only consider help that Medicare will provide, even though they’ve spent the last 60 years saving for this time in their lives. Well, they do also consider asking their kids/grandkids to come over and help. MIL is now in hospice care, we hope she’ll be able to stay at home. The hospice nurse laid down the law that they are to call 911 not their kids if MIL falls again. We’ll see.</p>
<p>We’ve sometimes had to call 911 after getting a call from my parents. What happens is my Dad will call and ask for my DH (who is an EMT). I can tell by the sound of his breathing/voice, that he’s having heart trouble again. DH will go immediately over and I’ll call 911.
My Dad and Mom just seem to have some kind of mental block about calling 911. I have no idea why but it’s a battle we have chosen not to fight.</p>
<p>Me too. 2prep- you are so right. It’s imperative to talk about - but can still be quite frustrating, even with a parent who still has most of their money. In my case, mom moved in with us, but still tries to give money to fake or poorly run charities. Thank goodness she doesn’t answer the phone here- at her house she would give in to anyone who sounded nice or the opposite- harassed her until she would give in. She isn’t out of it enough for me to take over finances but boy would that be easier.</p>
<p>My folks still handle all their own finances but I just got off the phone from talking to their CC companies. Got them to reverse $69+ in late fees and interest on one of mom’s CCs, because she was less than a week late but paid in full. </p>
<p>Got very odd answers from AmEx about her refund on the Costco card and whether she cashed it and the refund she’s accumulated so far this year. I may call them back next time I’m at their house and go over it with them again. </p>
<p>So far they’re handling their finances ok, but I think it would make life easier if j was authorized to ask questions instead if impersonating mom, with her permission.</p>
<p>My dad told their political party that my mom was dead when they called to get a contribution last week! She was napping – he said he has asked to have her taken off the calling list, but they keep phoning. I suspect she has given to the local, state, and national level, along with specific candidates. So it could be that he will keep getting calls from those various organizations.</p>
<p>Thanks 2prepMom - The good thing with my parent’s is that their finances are an open book. I know how much and where their investments are. So far, they live independently, but both with dementia and at a fairly young age (78 and 79). No other health problems. I am concerned about needing long-term care. We are meeting with the estate attorney next month.</p>
<p>I wanted to get back to this post. This is essentially the advice we received from the AL center to which my Mom moved. Piling on we were advised to lie to my Mom … that the move was temporary while work was being done on my parent’s house. My first reaction was the same as many posters … it seemed mean. However in hindsight, I believe the plan was dead on … the toughest part was no visitors for a week (it ended up only being 4-5 days for my Mom). Why am I defending this approach?</p>
<p>For me the initial reaction was based on what I consider the appropriate respectful and truthful way to deal with another adult … and that everyone has the right to an honest involvement in any decisions about their life. However, the truth is when dealing with dementia patients ultimately the patients are no longer mentally competent … so this desired rational conversation can not take place. So, unfortunately, the question really is what is the least painful/stressful way to make the necessary transition … and the pros advise is often similar to the quoted approach.</p>
<p>My mom did not think she needed to move … she did not think she needed to go to day care … she did not think she needed an aid in the house (in fact she would send aids home when they showed up). She was unaware or in denial about her condition just as many dementia patients are. She did not think anything was wrong with her other than some minor memory lapses.</p>
<p>My sister initially wanted to ignore the advice and have an honest conversation and discuss the move with my Mom. This is “my Mom” my sister wanted to have a conversation with.<br>
Every time I saw her she talked about the thieves who were stealing her stuff (things she misplaced or forgot where they were)
When we had a family dinner we had to bring my sister’s life size doll from when she was a kid to the table because my Mom thought it was alive, talked to it constantly, served it a meal, and thought it was a family member
Talked to her family members who were not present … including ones who were dead
Lost all understanding of time … and would wake up at 2-3 am … gets dressed and head out of the house. And as long as she remembered real events complained about the 2 men who held her against her will … two men who actually found her beside the road at 3:00 in the morning and called the police and waited with her until the police came.
Etc.</p>
<p>What conversation could we have had with a person in this mental condition? It is not possible to have a logical rational conversation. We were not dealing with my Mom anymore … we were dealing with an irrational physical shell of my Mom. </p>
<p>There are elements of the condition that help in this situation … the person is ofter very compliant (let’s walk this way and they just follow) … and they their memory/time sense stinks (so they really don’t know how long anything has been going on). So the question really is what is the quickest least stressful way to help this person adjust to their new life. If any of you ever get into this situation you may find the quoted advice as a reasonable approach given a bunch of terrible options.</p>
<p>PS - one last note. The thought of lying to my Mom just grates on everything I believe about being a good son. In almost all cases I’ve found a way to be truthful with my Mom although maybe slightly deceptive. When we moved her to assisted living they AL folks suggested telling her there was a fire at the house and the move to AL was temporary … my Dad and sister followed this path. I couldn’t do it … however I could say … the house isn’t safe for you and you’re going stay here until the house is safe for you again … I knew it would never be safe her again … but this let me stay closer to the truth than a full blown lie. In general I could answers her questions with truthful if somewhat deceptive answers.</p>
<p>3togo, what you said is exactly what we came to do for Mom in the end… move to “independent side” was “just temporary” while her knee surgery healed. Move to AL side was that she had the bad flu and needed more care.
She is compliant most of the time and is as you say not understanding time or space anymore. We drove her 400 miles to the wedding, she told everyone at the AL place that she didn’t have to travel very far and that she hadn’t been anywhere in years.
I try to do the semi-lie thing too. And it IS true Nobody knows what the future will bring. Maybe my dad will die and my brother will take her in. (I wouldn’t even if my husband died, because I’d be as demented as she is in a week…it IS contagious!!!). Maybe we will find a foster home situation if she gets worse. But for now, this is the best place for her. I don’t feel guilty about it, just sad that it is what it is.
I am having an estate sale for all her and grandma’s stuff. I am worried sick about what she will find out and how she will react, but I know it has to be done. I have support of my bro and one cousin. Some of her “friends” will be appalled. I am thinking of getting her out of town for those three days. I told her that Grandma’s house has to pay its own way. And that we took the stuff to our homes (true, but then I took it to an auction house where hopefully it will be sold for enough to pay the lawyers.)</p>
<p>Thank you, 3togo, that’s really helpful. I’m reexamining my “Honesty is the best policy” stance re the parents. I think sometimes partial honesty, or honesty with a spin, might go a lot better.</p>
<p>I wonder why this is such a common phenomenon with this population? I’ve lost count of the number of times my mom has accused the AL caregivers of stealing things, or told me about other residents’ stuff being stolen. In EVERY SINGLE case that I’ve heard of, it turned out the item was lost by the resident and then quickly found, almost always by one of those thieving caregivers. </p>
<p>Last week I got a call from an aide, who said that Mom’s wallet was missing, and did I know where she might have put it? I said, “Well, she’s convinced you’re all thieves, so she’s started locking it in the file cabinet. Have you checked there?” The aide laughed and asked Mom to check. Sure enough. She sleeps with the key in her pillow case. Of course, she’s lost the key 3 times and had to pay a locksmith to open it. </p>
<p>She’s lost a cheap little plastic bowl that used to sit on her counter, and is certain that one of the aides took it. I point out that if the aides really were thieves, it’s unlikely that they would take a 50-cent bowl but leave jewelry, money, credit cards, camera, ipod, and a dozen other things that have some actual value. She agrees sheepishly, but the next week is fussing about her stolen bowl again.</p>
<p>Then there’s the case of Who Stole My Cheese? Mom had gotten some fancy cheese in a tin, stuck it in the fridge and forgotten it. Some time later I was cleaning out the fridge and noticed that something was sloshing around in the tin. I held it up for Mom and shook it, so that she could hear, and told her that I was going to take it home and throw it away. She agreed. Fast forward – I just recently found out that she’s been telling everyone for the past year that her cheese was stolen. And not just by a mysterious thievish aide, but by a specific aide. How in the world she got it into her head that HE stole it, I have no idea, but she’s absolutely convinced of it.</p>
<p>For my parent’s, the occasional complaints of accusing someone of stealing something, seems to be compensation for the fact that they lost it. It’s much easier to blame someone else for missing items than to admit to oneself that the lose and misplace things constantly. What is interesting to me, is that my dad can look at a group of objects that contains the looked for thing, but still can’t find it. There seems to be an inability to differentiate stuff.</p>
<p>Well. My folks still live at home and dad still works, but he still loses stuff and has replaced his phone and money clip (with many bills attached) many times, at considerable cost.</p>
<p>My mother once spent a year accusing me of stealing her underwear. She was in the hospital about 10 years ago and when she got home she thought I had stolen her underwear because she was sure she had more than she did. </p>
<p>She said something the other day about my brother stealing something and I told her that she use to tell me I stole her underwear. She couldn’t remember ever telling me that! (She and I don’t wear the same size anyway!)</p>