A well known person in our community felt the same way. Although he was a member of the church he didn’t like attending and never went to funerals no matter who. Of course a few hundred people showed up for the funeral service at the church when he passed away.
The pastor said he always joked with him that his funeral would be the only way to get him in there.
I am not a fan of funerals and am a little overwhelmed doing my mother’s. Though she was almost 96, a lot of younger family want to come and they are estimating 100-150. We did graveside only for the ashes of her partner with each person present saying a few words, and that was so much better in my opinion. This kind of celebration was important to my mother, who we often referred to as “queen.” After this, I am all done and living my life.
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About 5 years ago we lost a friend at a relatively young age. Her H (also a friend) reached out to help with her service. Ended up he wanted H & I to plan her service. H was active at their home parish and I had some event planning experience. 250 came, but we really had no idea what the attendance would be. It was a lot of work! I enlisted help with other mutual friends, and the church was helpful. My advice is to delegate, if you can, so it’s not all on you.
My father died 4 years ago and we had his funeral mass at his church in Denver. Big deal, a lot of his friends came, and he was in Knights of Columbus so they played a part in his ceremony (some pomp, but they are mostly old guys and no sword twirling or military precision). Then we had a short service at the chapel at the cemetery in Massachusetts and the ashes buried in his family’s plot in the town he grew up in. My mother liked it so much she said she wanted the same thing, so when she died in Sept I tried to arrange it as close to the same as possible.
The biggest difference was the number of people. My father had about 150 at the funeral and another 60 or so at the cemetery service. He was 84. My mother was 87 when she died and in those 4 years many of their friends had died or can no longer travel. My mother had about 50 at her mass and maybe 25 at the cemetery (all relatives except one former neighbor).
It was what she wanted.
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I so agree with this. My mother felt strongly about no service, friends and neighbors were taken aback when I answered them that there would be no service. And yet like all Mom’s care, her final service would have, again, left me (an exhausted me!) doing all the work to put on a service for people in my town to comfort me. Nope, I honored her wishes and that was best for me, too.
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Yup doing all the work, and it is not to provide comfort to me, that’s for sure.
My dad just emailed my sister and me. He sent us his very long obituary. It reads like a resume. I think he just copied and pasted it, actually, and added a few things. It’s strange that he goes into great detail about people he worked with 40 years ago, and even mentions the numerical designations of technical committees he served on, but doesn’t mention his sons in law or that he has any grandchildren! Sis and I will be doing some heavy editing, ha.
He also chose a funeral home and is making all the arrangements now. I’m so glad he’s doing this!
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His resume obit could be for a professional journal / or for announcement by his last employer / academic or trade journals. I’ve seen work obituaries like that - heavy on career ccomplishments and light on personal info.
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Good point. We could write a second one for the newspaper.
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Just wanted to update on my dad’s status. He was discharged to home last Saturday (6 days in the hospital). His chronic mini strokes left him in an altered state prior to hospitalization, but healthy enough to be discharged since medically they can’t do much for him. The palliative department approved home hospice for him, even though initially they denied it. We had the option to send him to a rehab nursing facility for a short term, but decided it wasn’t a good option of him given his advanced dementia. It would have caused too much confusion and stress given the new environment. It would have been difficult for my mom too since she would go visit him all day caring for him. She did this last time when he was in rehab.
We hired live in care providers through an agency. The first few days were a bit challenging because of the timing of Thanksgiving holiday issues, but I think things are settling in. The live ins have been very attentive to dad’s needs and overall kind and patient. Mom needs to adjust to all of this. I am hoping she’ll and see that this arrangement provides more freedom for her.
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My dad did this. He had a long obit written out and after he died my sister and I rewrote it to show his humanity more than just a work resume. Think he would be pleased with the outcome.
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My mom and Dad did a class in estate planning that included writing an obit. We then rewrote them in a much more ligthearted and teasing fashion, which my mom was so happy with she sometimes says she hopes we use “the silly ones” but I know her Yankee dna will only allow for serious.
MIL was supposed to go to SIL’s for Thanksgiving (25 minute drive). When we were there the week before, she kept saying that she didn’t want to go because she’d just be in the way. We assured her that everyone who would be there wanted to see her, and that she would definitely not be in the way. We told her that if she got tired, she could nap in a room away from everyone.
When SIL’s son stopped by to pick her up, she wouldn’t get out of bed. BIL drove there to try to get her to come, but she said she was too tired. After dinner, her favorite nephew, who drove 4 hours to come to dinner at SIL’s, stopped by with a plate of food. She wouldn’t even get up for him.
We know that she is tired of living … she tells us that often. But it’s so sad to see her checking out so thoroughly while she is still alive.
I am grateful my mom was able to join the extended family for her grandson’s wedding and again the throng of us for Thanksgiving.
She still enjoys being with close family members, including our extended clan. It’s always sad when folks stop wanting to put in the effort to spend time with loved ones.
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My mother was unable to go out from her facility for three years. We came to know not to expect it. That will probably happen in your family too. Everyone defines quality of life differently. For my mother, there were times when quality of life was looking at the blue sky out the window, which gave her pleasure. I hope your MIL has some quality of life. I really believe it is possible.
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Interesting article on hospices:
How Hospice Became a For-Profit Hustle | The New Yorker
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I read the Hospice article, and since I had only one article left, I read it in one sitting. It is long and convoluted. My dad’s hospice experience started in November before the pandemic and he passed in July 2020, not of COVID. I will say I now have my eyes wide open, because of that experience, but the article does provide some understanding as to what might have been happening, behind the scenes. It is really disheartening.
Agree, I had no idea.
My father is finally coming to the realization that he can not afford to pay for the care he has been getting. He is in an assisted living facility (I think it is expensive but not ridiculous). He has been paying a “companion” aide for full shifts 7 days a weeks for a few years. The aide is more expensive than the facility (note the aide is not a medical aide - not even allowed to lift him out of bed). His lawyer and I have been telling him he can’t afford this for at least 2 years now. He is finally going to stop the aides, despite the fact that “what will I do now if I drop something with nobody there to pick it up for me”. This will bide him some extra time in the assisted living facility, but I think those days are numbered. I guess he will end up in a nursing home that Medicaid will pay for.
I am hoping his lawyer will be able to handle whatever his transition ends up being. I am also thankful he recently prepaid his funeral expenses.