@cag60093 - sorry for the loss of your father. You were right there for your parents; you were with them logistically and aware of what was especially emotionally sensitive for each of them. Your post contains a lot of helpful perspectives. Thank you for sharing and best to you as you remember your father.
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Iām so sorry for your loss.
@travelnut. Thank you for your kind message.
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@psychmomma. Thank you very much.
When my dad passed away, my mil said that I will see his passing with no regrets on my end.
It was so comforting.
@cag60093 no regrets
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@deb922. Your MIL was right. I donāt have regrets. I was there for my dad every day for the last 3 years. I was also there for my mom because she needed not just my help, but needed me to be her emotional support. She and I were tag team caregivers. Living with my dad 24/7 the last 3 years and seeing his decline was so hard on her. She was often scared, felt terrible for him, and at times angry and frustrated. With his passing, I want her remaining years to have purpose and joy on her terms.
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Read in NPR: As she nursed her mom through cancer and dementia, a tense relationship began to heal
This is a touching, sad, and honest piece.
"I hope this work will help others prepare for some of the unknowns. From the comments received, I know it has helped some people with their situations. I think projects like this help others know they are not alone. They can help us recognize things we canāt quite pinpoint, even place our grief, and in some cases help us find some closure. "
I loved that article. Thank you @cag60093 . I continue to be touched by the generosity in your posts.
Regarding the article: I once told the hospice nurse what we were not a āHallmark Cardā type of situation. The hospice bereavement counselor suggested grieving both the "good and the ābadā mother but after caregiving for several years I felt healed. The parent becomes the child and in taking care of them, we mysteriously heal ourselves.
My sister was/is estranged and I was concerned for her after my motherās death, but she seems okay. Different paths for all of us.
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Yāall are going to make me cry. Iāll wait to read the story.
Not surprisingly, in the first week of my sister staying with my mom we already had an āemergencyā ā my sister spent yesterday in the ER having various tests run. She has the flu and a UTI. So, I drove up the 3+ hours to spend the night with my mom and will stay here until my sister improves so at least a few days. My brother said that I didnāt need to make the drive, that he would stay here or have his wife stay here, but I have so much flexibility and this was a good week for me so I came. And my mom doesnāt particularly care for his wife.
This has, of course, raised so many feelings. My sister doesnāt take care of herself. At all. I wouldnāt be surprised if my mom outlived my sister! Itās frustrating, but I can only change what I can change, and I canāt make my sister eat healthier or exercise or tell work to quit calling her at all hours. She loves feeling indispensable. But I am loving this time with my mom. Sheās really easy-going. We got some Churchās chicken for lunch, and now sheās playing solitaire and just won! The last few months before my dad died and then his last week were so special to me. Iām feeling all the feels right now. Think Iāll go for a walk.
@compmom 's comment about grieving both the "good and the ābadā mother really hits home. My mom was a good mom, but she wasnāt the mom I needed. We are so different. And I always knew she did the best she could with what she had (she was one of 16, three of whom died as toddlers, and never made it to HS) so I was never bitter toward her, but there have been times when I felt so out of step with her and my siblings and it was so lonely. She never told us she loved us, for instance, but she clearly did. I am so glad that I am in a better place about it all. It makes this whole situation easier. The last week of my dadās life was in hospice, and I was here the whole time and cleaning him and holding his hand. Iām already mourning doing the same for my mom. sigh
My mom passed away this afternoon, just 6 weeks shy of her 101st birthday. Iām feeling a mixture of sadness and relief. She had been in a memory care facility for 8 months after we had to move her from our home when it became too difficult to care for her here.
She had been on hospice since May 2021. They were a godsend! They made her journey so much easier from the first day. I canāt say the same for the memory care facility, though, unfortunately. Iām glad not to have to deal with them anymore. Staffing was always a problem, especially since Covid.
I will miss her but sheās so much better off where she is now. 
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I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.
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My momās in a rehab center right now. I hear you on the staffing. Itās so hard for everyone! The administrator was so apologetic because they are trying so hard to get help.
Sorry to hear of your momās passing. Itās hard no matter what the circumstances
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So sorry for your loss @patsmom !
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So sorry @patsmom . Also what a special long life she had!
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So very sorry for your loss, @patsmom, but you have a century of history and memories to cherish.
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Sorry for your loss, @patsmom . A remarkably long life to celebrate, even as you grieve. Take good care.
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@patsmom. Hugs to you and sending my condolences. I understand your mixed emotions, esp when the memory care facility did not meet expectations and standards. I also agree on the value of hospice care. Their compassion and experience in caring for patients and supporting families throughout the process were invaluable to me and my mom. Rest in peace mom of @patsmom.
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So sorry @patsmom. I recently read a NY Times article that relief needs to be recognized as part of the grief process. I think it is helpful of you to mention it, along with the sadness. Such a strange combination of emotions.
Amazing that your mom lasted almost 101 years. You were no doubt part of the reason.
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sending sympathy and a virtual hug @patsmom.
I too had the mixed feelings when my Mom passed in Memory Care. On hospice for 18 months, too. They were so very helpful AND helpful after also. They checked in on my.
I donāt have mixed feelings about my Dad passing as it was sudden and quick and he was all there until the last 4 days. I just miss him. It really got in my head the different feelings Iāve had (first Christmas without him).
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Iām so sorry, @patsmom.
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