One thing I think of often when I read this thread (among the heartache, hugs, sympathy and sometimes happy things to report!) is that is we are “parents caring for the parent” then most likely “the parent” is in the “old” category - often 80’s and 90’s!!!
So while they may be doing pretty great up until a certain incidence - and maybe even gain health back after an incident, fact is things are not likely to keep improving uphill and well, they won’t live forever though we hope!
If a parent in in their 80’s - up make your decisions knowing this - life is not likely to get easier for them and things can change on a dime for anyone - but especially when you’re older.
I am only a story of one, but my mom was 88 living on her own in her 3 bed-2 bath house with a yard, had not had a hospitalization beyond having her 4 kids, knew her bills down to the dime, and was still driving some and exercising regularly. She woke up one day not feeling well and passed later that night. No warning.
I know she/we were in many ways fortunate that she/we didn’t have all the decisions many of you have had to make. But I also am aware now, how we “assumed” mom was fine and did not take much action to be proactive in many life things for/with her.
It still boggles my mind that when going through things in her house I see evidence that two days before her death she was paying some bills and filing her mail. She was at the Y swimming. She had freshly made brownies on the counter. 88 and lively and active and then, gone!
88 is 88 - a gift to be alive that long but it’s old! Be so happy for them but also know in your mind the easy decisions are for today, but the harder decisions are maybe for the coming day/month/year/years.
I am so used to folks in their mid-90’s from my mother’s AL that 88 sounds young. I am sorry for the suddenness with which your mother passed @abaskt.
I was also going to say it is fine to tour an independent or assisted living faciliity without your mom, @deb922.
One thing we did was a respite stay at my mother’s eventual facility, right after rehab. We figured if she liked it she could stay. During her respite stay (3 months?) she decided to move there for winters only. Then the following fall she did actually move there permanently. The familiarity from the respite stay really helped with that transition. She was there for 7 years, age 88-95.
I would be worried about your mom going home and then deciding to stay there until another fall crisis happens.
My folks moved to IL at a ccrc when they were pretty old (late 80s+). I think that impaired their ability to make friendships and benefit from the classes and shuttle service offered as one if the benefits ccrc included. They ate much better once there was a regular kitchen that prepared meals.
During covid after dad died, we had mom go from one of our homes to another for 2 years. She’s lived back at the CCRC now for about a year, once the CCRC started allowing visitors again and she’s been having aides 24/7. She’s comfortable here at the ccrc and we family members take turns visiting her every day. It’s working OK but very expensive.
I have been looking into ccrc’s myself as a way to eventually preserve whatever money I have from nursing home costs. I have wondered what age is best to be doing that. The brochures have smiling people playing golf!
Our neighbors signed up for the ccrc my mom lives at. The H just celebrated his 75th birthday and the W is slightly younger. They were offered a spot but turned it down once. I believe you can turn it down a few times before you have to requalify.
They have a few people that are younger—only have to be 50 or 55 to qualify. Many people are in 70s-90s. Sone are still working in the community.
i think it helps to be young enough to be able to make friendships when you enter, and use the resources available—the transit, the classes/activities.
My youngest went off to college and I was eligible for the senior center. My mother in assisted living died last October and I am looking for myself now. Life has a lot of quick transitions! I don’t want my kids to go through what is often described in this forum!
My mom moved to a senior apartment at age 85 that was associated with a CCC (rent only, no buy-in). The waiting list was 2 years, but they contacted her within about 6 months. She made friends quickly, and enjoyed her time there, but unfortunately it was brief, as she died within a year of the move.
One comment I remember from the manager, was that the apartment community changed a lot over the last 10-15 years. When the manager started, most of the residents were in there 60’s and early 70’s, mobile and active. When my mom moved in, most were in their 80’s, still independent, but far less active. It was not necessarily because tenants stayed that long (although many did, which was a good sign), but more because those looking for senior living now tended to be older to start.
Yes, my dad was 84 when he moved. The residents I’ve spoken to all said they wish they’d moved sooner. I think Dad would have if he’d known how much he enjoys it there.
My mom is getting out of rehab in two weeks. My sister and I called the independent living place and they had 2 openings. In one of their studios, there is a long waiting list for the one bedroom. If you go into the studio, then you are first on the list for the next available one bedroom.
Called mom and she agreed with this decision so sister and I put down the deposit. This was yesterday. The place is really nice. In house PT. Transportation to medical appointments. 3 meals a day. No buy in. Just a $3500 fee to reserve a spot and then monthly rent. She can afford it. Its in the community where all of her friends are.
There are literally no places for her in my town. She would have to move at least an hour away. Medical care isn’t the best here.
Today mom isn’t so happy. She wants to move home alone and if it doesn’t work, then move to the independent living. She’s really pushing back. She thinks this is the right decision but not right now.
But it’s going to happen. This was the compromise. She gets to stay in her community. I’m exhausted.
Hopefully, she will realize how much easier and more active her life is when she gets there. The fact that she has friends there will help her feel more comfortable from the start. Best to you as you prepare for this new phase.
@deb922 maybe you could tell her it is for temporary respite, to ease the transition, and that you can discuss remaining there after three months- if that doesn’t work out. I also know families who just told the person they are going, and that’s it, but it seems painful for all involved. Eventually they adjust but the more control they can feel they have, the better, in my view.
FIL finally had to be put in a home due to Alzheimer’s. Boy was that a whole new education. Good facility and we see him often. He almost seems to be doing better. No longer passing the day in his chair staring at the TV, he’s more mobile and ‘with it’ than I’ve seen him in some time. But it’s been hard.
If that weren’t enough, MIL was not doing well the last few months. Not eating, sleeping all the time. We all wrote it off to depression, which you read about a lot for the caring spouse after transition of the afflicted spouse into a care facility. Finally took her in for some follow-up and the suspicion is multiple myeloma. Bone marrow biopsy in the morning. Regardless of how that all plays out, doc says she can no longer live alone. Mind you, this woman was taking care of FIL less than 3 mos. ago.
Then, out of nowhere, I get a text from my stepmother, who I NEVER hear from, wanting to talk to me about my father, from whom I’m somewhat (not entirely) estranged. He’s been a heavy drinker most of his life, and it appears to have caught up to him. First the double play, and now perhaps the trifecta, in a relatively compressed time period.
I must have missed the class in primary school about life being this hard. It has been a sobering repositioning of perspective.
She agreed and all is moving forward. Keep giving her positive strokes and affirmations that this is going to work out well.
A friend’s 93 YO demented dad and 88 YO hard of hearing mom just got moved into a nice place – locked unit area where they check on the rooms every 2 hours. Their room is 325 sq ft - with their lift chairs, TV, bed, en-suite. All they need. The food is good, they are happy, and safe. Her sister comes to that town for groceries, hair cuts, etc. - so she can check in on her parents every trip into town. The mom can hear ‘pillow talk’ with her H w/o her hearing aids, but when the TV is turned up loud and she has her hearing aids in, she has to be close to the person to hear what is said. The dad was in unsafe situation at home for quite a while, but it took wearing him down with safety concerns to getting them moved.
My friend was doing all the work with getting them moved, and doing lots at their house. Her brother is also in state and is executor of the will/estate, so he will take care of the house sale. Friend is out of state and spent over a month on two trips to get her parents situated - exhausted!
As much as I understand our elders wanting to stay in their home (I mean, at this point I would want that as well for myself!) what maybe becomes even more important is people contact. People contact for the person in terms of socialization as well as people contact as in “someone” having regular contact for the person to be sure they are ok and safe.
When family is not in town, friends or neighbors are the next best thing, right? And if someone is more “secluded” in their own stand alone home, they might often NOT have people contact on a daily basis.
I think that is the thing to convince someone who is hesitant about making the move. "We can move your things and you’ll be around friends and people who can help you for scheduled things (appts) and unscheduled things (when you need unplanned assistance or company!). A house becomes a home when it has you, your things and your people around to make it a “home”. "
My mother just moved into assisted living last week. Let me tell you, the party line is to say “just try it for a couple of months and see how it goes”. That’s what the facility told me to say, and it worked. Week one was bumpy, now week two, I can see she’s settling in.
My mom’s fall was very sudden and we were caught unaware. She was looking into her next step when this happened. I guess it’s that way for a lot of people.
I called mom’s friend today to ask her to get the lease to mom. She seemed a bit unsure/surprised about this move.
My sibling was adamant that mom not go home and be alone. Sibling is good at playing bad cop. I want mom to stay in her community and this is what my sibling will agree to.
And yes, we aren’t putting the house on the market just yet and told mom that if she doesn’t like it, she can go back home.
My husband isn’t wild about the idea himself. That we are basically forcing mom to go somewhere she doesn’t want to be right now. And how would I feel if my son did that? These emotions are so very hard and conflicting. But this move is the safest, best option that allows mom to stay in her community.
I think the issue is that the room/apartment is very small. From a house to basically a room. But it’s a way to eventually move to a bigger apartment.
When mom went into the rehab, I noticed all the residents had recliners. Since mom didn’t own one, I asked her and I purchased one. With a seat assist. Apparently mom hates it, won’t sit in it and doesn’t want to move it to her new living space. And it was apparently a hill I was willing to die on. I told mom she was being unreasonable and obstinate. So it’s going, mom will probably never sit in it.
It sounds like the new place would be in the same community/neighborhood as your mom’s free standing house??? If so, I think you/she are SO fortunate to have the option to have a place - albeit smaller in the area she knows with people nearby she knows??
I think my mom who had a full home - outside of sleeping - really spent 80% or more of her time in the kitchen or living room. All those bedrooms, basement, alternative bathrooms, separate dining space - not really used, just a place to have “stuff”. A studio I’m sure is small, but if the one bedroom is really likely to open up - maybe she can see the studio as temporary - like a hotel stay! - until an apt opens up - then she will feel like she has space back again!
I understand your H’s point of view. There is the emotional response to a decision and there is the responsible response to a decision. Emotionally it feels like a tough thing to do to her. Responsibly, the move feels right. She won’t know until she tries. If it’s a complete fail the house is still there. Can you assure her of visits that you’ll make and how you will stay when you come? She may be thinking “no one will visit me because I won’t have space” - if you let her know there is a Hampton Inn a mile away that is “so nice!” that may make her feel better.
My FIL had Parkinson’s and basically lived in his recliner (even slept in it). It had a seat assist, which he absolutely needed. But he refused to use it. I guess he felt that using it meant that he needed it. Yes, he needed it, but he didn’t want to need it. He fell a number of times because he wouldn’t use it. It’s hard to make the tough old birds do what we think (know) they should do. The best we can do is set them up for success and hope they’ll accept the help.
Yes! My parents’ house was huge. A daylight basement with a garage, plus two stories above. They spent all their time in a very small area on the first floor, and it was so congested with stuff I was worried about them tripping. I’m sure Dad has more useable living space now at his facility.
I understand about not wanting to have your parents do something they don’t want to, but at some point safety has to trump that consideration. It’s similar to my disabled adult son (we just got guardianship of him). We let him be as autonomous as possible, but it’s our responsibility to make sure he’s safe.
My husband often reminds me that when our kids learned to drive, we didn’t let them just have the car for whatever. When he had knee surgery, he wasn’t allowed to carry heavy things. When I had vertigo, I had to use a cane.
Sometimes, people have to do things for their own safety, and no matter how heartbreaking it is to become shut in, or limited, or a step closer to dependency – they still have to do it and lacking the judgement to decide that, the people who love them make it happen.
I told my elderly dad once that he didn’t get a free pass to be difficult and mean just because he’s old and falling apart. There’s fear, and disorientation sure – but while they still have their wits, mean is not free.
My son’s MiL refused all attempts to help her in any way , for anything. She alienated her family and neighbors, and died alone in the house. I can’t tell you how traumatic it is; don’t second guess yourselves.
