We thought that too. And when the alarm doesn’t work or they don’t immediately answer the alarm it’s too late.
We opted to keep mom in her IL unit where there’s more space and things are as she prefers it and it’s more comfortable for visitors (all of us—her kids and gkids visit pretty regularly).
My mom is getting out of rehab on Friday. She got a call, can she play bridge on Monday?
She said no, she wants to get her space organized. 
She’ll start playing in March.
But she’s looking forward to playing at her IL place on Friday’s.
Mom found out there is a $6 charge to deliver meals to her apartment. I’m positive she is much too cheap to pay that fee. I’m hoping like summer camp, she’ll find a welcoming group to eat with.
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We used to joke that my mom’s facility was like a cruise ship - lots of entertainment and activities, and lots of food. Everyone was very warm and welcoming and a group of women took my mom under their wings right away. It was heart warming!
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You just need to have the bed on the lowest setting (to the floor) and have the facility acquire some of the heavy mats to place on the floor - we have to do that following our state laws - in rehab we can use the half rail (so patient can pull themselves up). On the skilled care, the state says patients harm themselves banging on the side rail (they seem to think the mats on the floor to soften the blow from falling out of bed is the better thing - along with the bed on the lowest setting to the floor). AL and IL have different rules, and rules vary by state.
That is a good strategy to get residents to come eat meals in the dining room - and staff can see how well residents are eating. Many seniors have been careful with their money through life, and they often are not going to change that habit.
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If a medical supply company or someone in the AL can maybe direct you to perhaps purchasing one of the really thick padded mats designed for being at the side of the bed where someone could fall out of the bed. If he gets in on the one side, and sleeps in the middle or the side of the bed where the floor mat is. If the bed is at the lowest setting, the padding will help prevent injury.
Some people, when they sell their home, often do go on an extended cruise or a series of cruises - often can find deals to where you don’t pay a lot more than a facility. However, limited on medical needs being attended to on a ship - would need to have the extra insurance.
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My H and I are going to visit FIL this weekend. I want to see the situation directly. Relying on FIL and H’s explanation isn’t always clear. FIL is 6’ 3" and all legs and very thin. Since his fall, he lost quite of bit of muscle strength. Having the bed on the lowest setting means, he can’t get himself out of bed. Having the bed at the level that is appropriate for his height means he’s afraid of falling. Introducing a padded mat will take time to swallow and most likely he’ll never accept the idea. He’s a perfect example of an elderly person who never planned to be in his situation. He’s fortunate that he can afford AL at the premium level and but is too set in his ways to accept change. He’s a sweet person, but just can’t accept change.
My 90 years old dad passed away in his home in late December. He was declining for several years due to vascular dementia. He always said he wanted to die in his home. In reality, his dementia made it really hard to move him due to the stress it would of caused him. Also, his decline took off at the beginning of Covid start so we didn’t feel like options were even possible.
To ensure that he could stay home as long as possible, we added a stair lift chair (2 years before his passing), fixed the master bath to accommodate easy access, lots of grab bars everywhere, even purchased a hospital bed (with rails!). I do not regret doing any of these things.
The only reason he was able to live in his home is because of my mom and me. We attended to his every need for about three years. I went to their house every day with prepared meals and really handled every aspect of running their household. Mom was the 24/7 eyes on him, made sure he ate and tended to his daily care. The last couple of months before his passing was extremely hard. I was burnt out by then and it was taking a real toll on me. I had to convince mom to hire a part time help; she didn’t think it was necessary. Then a month before his passing, his condition got even worse so I had to convince mom again and this time to hire a 24 hour live-in. She was so reluctant due to the cost and invasion of privacy. (We didn’t know how much longer dad was going to live.). The other option was to send him to skilled nursing. However, I knew that is not want he wanted if he could articulate and advocate for himself. My mom complained every day for a month how hard it was for her to have a live-in. She just couldn’t see the benefits for him and her. Eventually she did, a week prior to his passing.
My FIL lived alone in his home for over 40 years. After his fall, he had no one he could rely on 24/7. Having a live in was an absolute no go for him. My H and I live 8 hours away. Eventually he had to accept that he had could not stay in his home. He is very unhappy in his AL. I feel bad that I can’t help him the way I helped my dad. Moving him closer to us is another no go for him. He just will not accept change.
That’s how I describe my dad’s facility. Down to the railings in the hallways!
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Please note that I am not an advocate that every family should keep their elderly parents in their homes. My dad’s situation was very personal. It definitely wasn’t easy but we fulfilled his wishes as best we could.
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FIL can’t use the buttons on the electric hospital bed, or is he in another bed? He can get in, then set the bed lower to the floor. If he needs to get up for bathroom, maybe he will use a urinal bottle. In the morning, he just needs to set the bed higher to get out of bed.
He definitely wants to make it so he can stay in AL. A recliner can offer more comfortable sleeping sometimes for someone with maybe low back pain, easier breathing, or even with reflux. He might just see it as a bed solution, although he might choose to sleep in the bed if he has a safe way to sleep in bed. The really thick floor mat does prevent injury when a hospital bed is at the lowest setting.
But if he is happy in the recliner and the rest of AL is safe for him…
Many people get set in their ways when they get older. Sometimes their stubbornness may have also kept them fighting to stay around.
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@kjofkw asked how can we make things better for our kids.
I think the most important thing I will do is not to make any ultimatums. I see so many who are dead set against going into any sort of different living environment.
My uncle is that way. But sometimes things can’t be helped. We need help and we need to accept that help.
I also think that since my mil worked for years as a RN in a care facility that my husband and I have the perception that there is great value is going where you can be taken care of.
The biggest thing I worry about is my cognitive functioning. It’s so much easier when one is thinking and functioning clearly.
And of course things are so much easier on this side of the pandemic
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Yes, without much memory, people forget to eat, forget they need assistance, forget HOW to get help, and so much more. It’s painful to watch loved ones who end up so dependent because they have so little short term memory.
We hired night help for my FIL’s last few weeks. He was really difficult at night, and MIL wasn’t getting any sleep. They had a two room unit in AL, so the caretaker sat just on the other side of the bedroom door (FIL was in the front room). MIL complained about paying so much for someone to just sit & look at her phone. Believe me, the aide was necessary, even if she wasn’t always working. She eventually told us that the real issue was having a stranger in the room. But at least she got some much needed sleep!
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So there is a dining room she can go to ? I wonder if part of the reason for the fee is to encourage the residents to be social.
Just curious, but are you an only child?
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In his current AL, he was given a manual crank hospital bed, not the full electric. I think it has a remote to elevate his head, but half rails would be useful for his mental assurance that he will not fall out of bed. Also, rails can be used as support to help him get in and out of bed. Unfortunately, FIL does not like to spend money “frivoulously” or “ruffle feathers” to.make his living situation easier. Having a conversation about buying a new bed is a non starter. Given that he is paying the premium rate at the AL, I think he should make requests, etc.
FIL has told me that the nursing staff does not like him sleeping in the recliner. But FIL said he got used to sleeping in the chair bc he can get out of the chair by himself, esp when he has to use the bathroom during the night and the snuggle feeling of the chair makes him feel safe. Using a urinal bottle is not a polite subject that is allowed or proper even among family with FIL. I have a strong suspicion that going to the bathroom during the night is the main reason he sleeps in the recliner. Help doesn’t come fast enough…
After our visit with FIL this weekend, I’ll have to asses what his real needs are and have a face to face meeting with the AL staff. I’ll also see what his health team can do.
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My FIL slept in a recliner for years. It was too uncomfortable for him to lay in a bed.