Maybe this guide has some helpful ways to seek support, if your mother hasn’t seen.
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gahhhh, throw rugs, I hates them. After months of gentle persuasion that fell on deaf ears, one day I just collected them all and put them in the basement. My dad had step-down PT and at-home PT and both times it did not motivate him. In retrospect, I think he could just not accept his new limits and the TIAs effected him cognitively much more than was apparent at first. He literally could not be reasoned with and that continued until about a week before his passing.
It’s a lot like trying to steer teenagers – more successful when you come at them sideways and choose your battles. But so frustrating and worrisome. Men are proud, and stubborn.
Being Mortal is the best book about eldercare I have read, and it has helped my siblings and I a lot in compassionate care. For when, for example, Mom gives out her SSN on the phone…
hang in there. You sound as if you have a good outlook and realistic expectations given the difficult circumstances.
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THROW RUGS - Years ago my aunt resisted getting rid of hers. One day we took a detour to visit her in CT. It really puzzled us that she was not answering the doorbell, since we had called ahead. Waited a long time wondering if she’d gone out. Eventually she came to the door, explaining that she had tripped on a throw rug, had trouble getting up…. and that she was going to finally comply with family pleas to get rid of them.
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My mother received home OT and PT at one point. I could have driven her somewhere for therapy, but I was very glad I didn’t have to do that. I’m pretty sure she did the daily exercises on her own. This was after she had her valve replacement. I did have to drive her to and from cardiac rehab.
But when she went to the NH for LTC about four years later, I asked her a few times if she wanted to practice walking, and she said no. I didn’t push it. A relative thought I should go there daily and make her do it, but I ignored her.
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Not only did my in laws resist getting rid of their throw rugs, but the only way to get from their living area to their bathrooms and bedrooms was by stepping down/back up a couple steps into/out of an entryway. My FIL fell and broke his hip because of it. It ended up being a big part of the reason they agreed to assisted living. My MIL keeps asking us when we are going to move to a house with just one floor. If we eventually need help up the stairs, we can get a stairlift. It’s actually more accessible than their theoretically one floor house was.
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What is your dad’s age?
A slow decline can go a long time. Hard to tell when a body just has a critical issue(s) and then the time comes. Sometimes people worry about one aging parent, and the other parent suddenly dies or has a medical issue come up and they die first.
Sometimes mental attitude and ‘fight’ go a long way – IDK how many of you saw the made for TV movie that starred Mary Tyler Moore and James Gardner (Heartsounds, 1984) - true life story about Dr. Harold Lear (Urology specialist in NYC) who was a cousin of Norman Lear – based on the book written by Dr. Lear’s wife, Martha Weinman Lear (she was in NY writing circles, I believe in magazines). Dr. Lear, in the end, only had about 5% of his heart muscle working. His bypass surgery (early years with lack of oxygen to brain causing memory loss) and his struggle back. He and family not told about that surgery complication. I have the book, but have really enjoyed the made for TV movie - when it comes up (I think it is on Youtube with two segments). This is what is said about the plot (Wikipedia source) “New York urologist Harold Lear gets a taste of his own medicine when he suffers a heart attack and is confronted with a medical institution which does not seem equipped to help. Wife Martha steps in to fight the system and get a measure of service and compassion. Ultimately the greatest battle is not waged against the medical profession, however, but against Lear’s own failing body and his own mortal fears.”
BIL, now 86, has been slowing down a lot. My sister still goes on walks with him (he had been a daily walker, at least from early 40’s), but his is getting slow. At our last visit, he is curving forward more - he says it is because of low back pain/back pain - walking more upright causes pain. He now has to use a cane and is very vane about it. For several years now, he no longer can mow the grass. He never was really very much help around the house. Sister does it all, and then some - she does all housekeeping and now all the outside lawn/garden. She planned for several years, and got her kitchen remodeled (and a dishwasher added). She does interior work painting when it is needed. (she does way more than I would do - we hire painters for example; when DH was away a lot at work, I would only mow the lawn if I wanted to - otherwise also hired that out). Their retirement nest egg was not well invested IMHO, because of what she has indicated from their financial advisor as to how long BIL can go to skilled care before they ran out of funds. She is doing everything she can to keep her husband at home. He can only drive ‘short’ errands - and they are in a small town.
I am keeping DH under proper medical care, and he is doing his part in careful eating and good exercise/walking a lot at least 4 days a week, 6 - 8 miles at a brisk enough pace.
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My MIL had a million throw rugs. Ok, maybe 3 dozen. She’d change them up every month for different holidays. We threw all of them out last week.
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I’m afraid you’re entering the zone between “kid and parent” where the roles start getting reversed. Not easy to navigate. It really is a time to pick your battles.
As a PT it’s time to step up as the professional–don’t leave it to others. I know you don’t–but for some reason parents never trust their own trained kids as much as some outsider they know nothing about. Don’t ask me why. Don’t take it personally–I think that’s universal. Just keep reminding them that “you sent me to school for EXACTLY this. So it’s time to get your money’s worth from my education.” and “nobody has your best interests at heart than I do. Period.” Strength can be lost so fast (and regained pretty quickly also fortunately). I know your mom gets tired of what can become what seems constant nagging but I’ll bet she also doesn’t want to be the caregiver of someone who can’t get around without a lot of help.
As great as my dad was we had some “words!” at times–the main motivation was he wanted to stay independent and at home which meant he had to not only do exercise but also make changes in lifestyle or the home. That meant the “no throw rugs”, paper plates (to cut down on dishes), microwave meals (that he could handle). He actually appreciated how some of the changes simplified his life. And I made sure he knew that I truly appeciated it all–it simplified my life. He had a one story house so stairs were not an issue–thank goodness–but that would’ve been an absolute deal breaker if he had to do stairs and wouldn’t relent–that’s worth a battle. Have a doctor read him the riot act–falling and breaking something is not an option–if not for him then your mom and you. (I used the “Do it for me!!!” argument often and it worked pretty well.)
Hi all, I was here for a while in 2018 when my mom was struggling with anxiety/mental illness. Had a great 5 years, now this summer was a repeat but didn’t get as bad. Anyway, she’s back from a two week stint in the mental health unit. Last time she had dad at home but this time she is alone, so we’re hanging out more. Going back tonight after supper. My question is whether anyone has suggestions for making visits more entertaining.
We’ve done a LOT of just visiting and I’m out of things to talk about. Last night she did play two rounds of Sequence. So I’ll look around for another simple game. And tonight we’ll call DD’17, her favorite grandchild 
She doesn’t have dementia, but she doesn’t want to have to think too hard yet. She’s pretty good physically, but currently maybe a little too tired to go for a walk, unless it’s short. We recently went through all of my scrapbooks for entertainment. She loves diamond painting, likes to read and do crosswords, but I’ll leave those for something to do when she’s on her own.
Jigsaw puzzles? Watching sports or favorite movies?
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Music sing along? Seasonal craft with football or harvest, garden or pet themes?
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Maybe an old movie? “Some Like it Hot” is pretty funny, even if you’ve seen it before.
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I found my cell phone was a help when visiting. I’d look up something we were talking about and share it, play music they brought up or I knew they liked, found the house that they raised us in or where they grew up, share photos, videos. All done a little at a time as it suited them. I wished I had spent more time identifying folks in their collection of old family photos; did some of that and heard family stories as I labeled them. I spent a lot of time visiting my parents in their ccrc and often, it seemed that just my presence was reassuring. Sometimes the staff at my parents’ place would spend a few minutes moisturizing/massaging residents’ hands. Very calm and relaxing; no effort required. Good that she enjoys word puzzles and you have that to look forward to. All the best to both of you.
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Google Earth or Street View is fun to re-visit childhood places (or vacation spots) and see how they have changed (or not). Once I stumbled on my childhood home for sale. Went to Redfin and had a tour of the house, nearly 40 years after I left. That was fun.
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Thanks all. She’s not into tv/movies/computer, but yes our phones can come up with content to talk about. I’m keeping a few games and a jigsaw puzzle in my car to have handy. Last night we called DD plus did Yahtzee while DD played “remotely” at her place.
Today we did a drive past her farm, and did some stuff at my house, including shelling dry lima beans!
We are lucky she’s doing so well and needing a good amount of stimulation. The meds do make her tired and she thinks that’s dumb but we tell her it’s just a season of resting, not forever. Hopefully she’ll start driving again and can fill her days more before long. She is used to lots of church activity, hospice volunteering, visiting at nursing home, quilting, etc.
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Very glad to hear your mom is doing okay. Wonderful that you can help her. How old is she?
She is going to be 83 next month.
Last night was fabulous, she even used her sewing machine and said she felt hopeful she’ll feel normal again. Overnight had a bit of a trigger, and this morning was less of her normal self, but not bad. I know it will take time, just really hoping that the agitation and delusions don’t return. And when the weekend is over, I won’t be able to hang out as much, but I do work only a few blocks away.
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My mom really got into learning how to use the iPad after I showed her how to do google earth and find things. We looked up (as you say) childhood places, home prices, even just the neighborhood around us. It was very fun.
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My mother used to love using the computer for all sorts of things (including genealogy - digging through her scads of folders and notebooks now, in prep for a river cruise that stops in Speyer where her grandmother was born.
Dad enjoys facetime, when he actually takes the time to take out the ipad (his wife does not like the clutter of it staying out). His audiologist paired it with his hearing aid, so it works better than phone. With current ios you can set up Facetime to have Live Captions - that’s a game changer for seniors with hearing issues that are not overcome by hearing aid. (It’s about a half sentence behind, but ever so helpful. Oops- viator Live Captions, Dad even overheard a background question to my sister from her husband passing by)
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Her grandchildren taught my mom to play SkipBo, which she really has been enjoying. And she & I will soend some of my visit next week doing simple crafts that she can use as gifts — ink and stamps for notecards, decopauge-ing glass jars w tissue paper, and sometimes we cook together (I give her a task she can do sitting down,like peeling carrots, etc) . Christmas is coming for us , so in a few weeks when I visit again, I will help her make some garland to decorate with. If your mom likes to sew, the two of you could work on some sort of plastic canvas needlework kit, or something simple like that you can experience together.
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