Wow, I just wanted to say thanks to all for sharing on this thread. My last parent died many years ago, and I still visit! It is partially to better understand what we can do to prepare our own children, partially to keep up with my VR friends, but it has also been incredibly helpful in understanding the past.
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As the holidays approach and my sibs are starting to talk about family gatherings, Iâm realizing how much anger and disappointment I still harbor towards them. Two of the three are and always have been local, but had no involvement. Itâs really interesting how caring for very ill parents for a long time (10 years for me) has lasting emotional impact.
This will be the first holidays without my mom, and they seemed to have all but forgotten her within weeks of her passing in January. Meanwhile, my home is still missing a family member whose presence still lingers everywhere.
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Dad is being discharged from St. Maryâs tomorrow morning. They adjusted his pacemaker externally to reduce the bpm, they diuresed him, and they put him on an antibiotic against development of pneumonia. They are giving him a drug to raise his blood pressure a little. He had a âcommunity-contractedâ URI that may have been the triggering factor in this episode. The doctor told me that yes, his heart is failing and there really isnât much they can do about it. But it looks like he is going to survive this crisis. Until the next one. He still has delirium; he told a friend that he was airlifted to the hospital from Nashville (!). He told the doctor that he has a 3-year-old great granddaughter (he does not). Etc. Iâm really glad that we got some POA stuff worked out with his brokerage and I have all the passwords to his accounts. He absolutely cannot handle his administrative affairs. I just hope that he does not become so weak that he needs 2 people to assist; then he will have to go to Supportive Living. He has become quite passive. I noted in the Mayo portal that he refused an offers to leave the room, take little walks escorted, be rolled out into the courtyard etc. A friend visited him and said, âheâs lonely.â Yes, Iâm sure he is. My sister is visiting in a few days next week and I will be going in 6 weeks.
Sending hugs!
Although I live away, I had the closest healthiest relationship with my mom, who was bi-polar (although not clinically diagnosed and treated until she cycled depression in her late 50âs). My younger sister is also bi-polar (very clear diagnosis in her 20âs). My dad was a darling, strong, supportive, hard working man loved and respected by his family, employees, and the community. However 2 brothers and older sister never truly appreciated him, nor realized how good of a dad he was. Older brother only realized, decades later (only a year ago), that dad was protecting him from Vietnam by having his use the Swiss citizenship and work as an apprentice in Switzerland right after high school and having a gap year before college. My brothers were too much about themselves to see beyond themselves. Older sister also had anxiety depressive disorder and then went into a marriage, sort of painting my parents as the problem â yet dad made sure she always had a good car to drive and could finish college (sisterâs husband made promised he couldnât or wouldnât keep).
I think about my parents every day. Think some of DHâs parents (they died more recently, both living to 92), while my dad died at age 64 and mom at 77.
Wow, your dad was a prince. He died way too young. Itâs hard enough having one child with a serious mental illness, I canât imagine a spouse plus kids!
@psychomomma a lot of us can relate to your post. I am talking to a bereavement counselor this week about the ramifications of my motherâs death a year ago. Not only did my siblings assume for years that caregiving was âin my DNAâ and stay out of it (my comment was, you mean my chromosomes?) but abandoned me at her bedside while dying. One brother a few days ago accused me of not letting him know she was dying, which is absurd given the daily details i sent him for 7 years. My other brother shared the email I had sent both of them telling them she had been taken to hospice house, and there were so many texts. So not only did I handle her dying alone but not I am being blamed for it!
Do we need a bereavement thread.? Open of course to venting about losses that occurred any length of time ago. I donât like to post too much in a thread where people are in the middle of it, but I seem to be doing it anyway!
Here we go: Support after caregiving- bereavement thread
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Fantastic @momofboiler1.
Things are happening quickly here. Hospice intake nurse will be here within the hour.
I did want to comment on siblings. Yâall know that I started therapy earlier this year to deal with my sibs, especially my sister, with whom Iâve never had a close relationship. Last night, we met with the hospice team lead, and she commented on what a cohesive unit we were. I think when we are required to rise to the occasion, we do. But I am absolutely the driver of making us step up. My sibs are emotionally stunted. It gets tiring, but I raised the kids with the mantra, Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem? And, by golly, I want the best care we can give our mom so I keep bringing us to the table even though that is its own kind of exhausting. I KNOW we all want whatâs best for her, but we are so different. I am glad that I at least donât feel abandoned by them as some of you do. Good luck to all of us!
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Sounds like youâve made good progress. Things work best if there is one âdriverâ coordinating things. But usually that designated driver would prefer not to have that full responsibility, even if the sibs think otherwise.
My older sister was in high school when she first had depression - she was on medication, and my parents had to go to the joint counseling with her where she blamed a lot of her issues on them. The problem was my mom âoversharedâ with this sister, and put my sister between the parents. Sister bought momâs radically inaccurate picture of my dad. Dad sat through it all and just took it without saying anything negative - I guess he figured better to not add to mom and sisterâs issues. Younger sister was married when she had her first manic/hallucinating (and hospitalization), but dad was her protector growing up (mom and this sister butt heads â because they are so much alike, both wanting their way) and dad was sisterâs anchor. With momâs illness later on, dad stood by her for a number of reasons â but didnât want to be âbaitâ for all the available local women wanting to chase him if he was âavailableâ - he was a successful businessman in a small town.
My momâs mother was also bi-polar (mom was raised by her grandmother) - but mom had two things that were strengths â the desire to be a good mother, and strong faith. Mom was great with children under school age, but then âchildren to be seen and not heardâ - her focus was keeping a terrific house, great meals, good social life; no problems from the kids. As the middle of 5, I realized young to âkeep under the radarâ and not make any waves. Some of the reason I had the best adult relationship with mom. I married solid, and parents liked my DH the best out of all the kidsâ spouses.
My dadâs younger sister is his only sibling left - and he was a true prince for her too â always was in her corner.
Thanks for sharing the Atlantic article. I hadnât seen it yet. Regardless of birth order, there seems to be a lot of what the author calls âkin-keepingâ being done by those of us on this thread. Interesting how entrenched family roles can be and I have found myself re-evaluating some of mine. It is refreshing, even as it is challenging and challenged.
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I feel bad. This conversation brought up a lot of issues that are unresolved and never will be resolved.
Mom called today and I felt terrible in that I wasnât in the right space to talk. I was feeling very stressed about my relationship with my sibling and couldnât keep those feelings to myself. So mom heard things that sheâs heard before. That canât be solved and will only get worse as she ages.
My sibling has never been there when the times got tough. They are only interested in getting their way, which isnât what mom wants and isnât in her best interests. But are the easiest solution for my sibling.
I grieve that our relationship is broken, I no longer want to fix it. Because it would mean that she got her way, because thatâs the only solution for her.
My sibling wasnât there when my dad died and wasnât there when mom had a health crisis. She wonât be there going forward because sheâs not talking to our mother.
Itâs all very complicated and confusing. I no longer want to be treated poorly.
Thank you to all posting. My brother was MIA when my Dad was dying, and it was a very tough 4 days. I wish I could have had someone else to share the decision making and give support. I feel a bit better knowing I am not the only person who faced this situation.
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You sound so much like where I was with my sister. Itâs so difficult, and, for me, the forced closeness around the care of our mom has only highlighted our differences.
I have started following Nedra Glover Tawwab on social media and have read one of her books. She is all about setting boundaries. One of the most important things, to me, that she has said is that just because someone is a relative doesnât give them license to mistreat you. âBut heâs your father.â âBut sheâs your sister.â Why do we believe that because we are related to someone we have to overlook all kinds of behavior that we wouldnât accept from any other person? Nope nope nope. Iâm done doing it. HOWEVER, I am working hard to maintain a solid working partnership with her for the benefit of our mom. Once mom goes, weâll see what happens.
And Iâll add that accepting that our relationships arenât what we want is like a grieving process, the death of an imagined ideal of what, in my case, sisterly love should be.
Iâm thankful my sister and I are getting along better. As her husband told me, medication has helped her tremendously!! Thank goodness.
Iâm exhausted. Long day. Mom didnât qualify for hospice, right on the border, but the nurse came back tonight and had me sign some paper work to get records from her PCP to see whether they can find something in her medical history that may work to push her over the edge, so to speak.
Itâs good you were able to get the evaluation done. Perhaps they will be able to recommend other services, if Hospice not approved.
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Itâs my experience that medical process often requires more than one attempt and the results of those attempts vary. You might also ask (or already know) what changes would qualify your mom in the future. No matter the outcome, it was still a good idea to get the evaluation, so well done. hang in there
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