I have been following all that you have been doing for your mother with deepest admiration.
My parents live in their own home with (so far) no help other than a twice a month housekeeper and some meal delivery. This may need to change but it will be a hard sell. They both still driveš³
Relatable story for many of you: when my mother is better physically (but still confused) she gets feisty and wants to discuss managing money. When I visited her yesterday she wheeled out a large locked metal box that the nurses use to store supplies/medsā¦ It was perched on her rollator. She demanded the key so she could open it to access her financial documents.
The nurse came running out because someone had alerted her. The nurse opened the box and showed my mother the bandages etc. stored in there. My mother said āBut it says āstockā on the labelā!!! I asked the nurse to cross out āstockā and write āsupplies.ā
The nurse had to open it three times before my mother finally absorbed what the box was for and the nurse took it away.
My mother cried for being so confused and I reassured her that she is the boss still and I am her executive assistant.
I had to be tricky about the driving. I persuaded my mother to go to a rehab driving evaluation to āprove to everyone she could still drive.ā I knew she would fail. It felt horrible butā¦she was having accidents. She failed miserably and the rehab folks took her license then and there and had an ID sent. My mother threatened to sue them for a few weeks then she forgot about it.
Uber has a special service for people with mobility issues.
Go to inpatient rehab, but check out the options first - some are āhotel likeā in the room and hallways, versus a skilled care (nursing home) that just has their regular rooms (and maybe not even as nice as hospital room). If a facility is sizable, they will have a staff of PT/OT/ST - I work at such a facility as a RN and the therapy staff is separately owned with their facilities in our building (they lease the space and all new rehab patients get PT/OT/ST evaluation paid by insurance).
Many patients will want to go right home - but the days for rehab are paid/covered as part of Medicare after hospitalization for various conditions requiring rehab. Often doing rehab at home means out of pocket costs.
I know of patients that have insisted to their family to go straight home - one lady fell out of the car as she couldnāt stand and went back to the hospital and then to rehab. I also have known of patients reluctant to come to rehab - some have stayed through the first day at least; some have bullied their children/cried to their children etc ā one little lady called both her son and her daughter ā the daughter lived closer and her mom got discharged hours after arrival ā the son told me on the phone that he is not going to have his mom be unhappy. I talked to the daughter and said the mom may be more motivated to stay active as possible and as safely as possible because she is getting her way. The poor daughter was being guilted by brother and mother.
Elderly Dad taking care of elderly Mom who also needs way more help than normally is a recipe for disaster if she needs any helping moving.
My MIL needed home care for many years and FIL wore himself out trying to do much of it, when he finally got a full time in home caregiver and MIL still fell & broke her hip, the first ED visit they were sent home with no surgery since she was non-ambulatory, but even with him and a long time (so both experienced in care and experienced in their home) caregiver, it was too hard to care for her at home. We ended up pulling rank with an MD family member having to talk the doc into surgery. The surgery was a success, the inpatient rehab was a fantastic success, she was much stronger and more mobile than she had been in years!
Also, try to remind your Dad that he wants to maintain as much physical ability as possible, not use up health on her care unless/until necessary and Medicare will pay for some inpatient rehab. I cared for my mother, who was teeny tiny and easy to move, youād think, but when she was out of it she was dead weight. There were a lot of falls, but I used DH to two man those pick ups, however, adjusting her position in her bed was a killer and getting her up and down was rough, I am paying for it now with a lot of pain issues related to all that care. Isaw my FIL having pain much sooner than he should have due to all the years of lifting and maneuvering MIL. Iād highly recommend your Dad do all he can to avoid that.
Totally agree with @somemom . We went through that with my mother. My mother was a fairly small woman but at times she was dead weight and hard for my sister or I to handle at home. It became a two person job pretty much to move her at times. Medicare will pay for inpatient rehab. Take advantage of that.
I hear too many stories of one elderly parent hurting themselves trying to help the other. When my mother had what turned out to be a fatal heart attack, my father fell trying to catch her and cut his head requiring stitches. They ended up in the ER together.
Once, my FIL had fired a caregiver and was trying to shower her, they both fell in the shower & he required back surgery, now they needed a 24/7 caregiver instead of a few hours a day.
I just broke two lumbar vertebrae which is making me rethink (um, cancel) plans to live with my mother! Some of us kiddos arenāt spring chickens either 
And donāt underestimate the stress of moving from a spouse/child relationship to adding on a major caregiving role when trying to keep someone at home that really probably needs assisted living or nursing care or at minimum lots of paid in home care. Been there, done that with a sibling that just did not want to look at other options beyond keeping my mother at home (they lived together and my mother was healthy until age 81 and then it was one thing after another with her health and hospitalizations that ended when my mom died at 87 in her home).
I applaud those of you that are still going through these kinds of things. It is very tough and even my sister was ready to consider other options beyond home toward the end because of the stress and exhaustion of caretaking. Best wishes to all of you still in the trenches .
After my dadās hospital stay a couple years ago the options of rehab or home came up. He hadnāt broken anything but was very weak. My sis and I took him home and even with two of us it was tough. Very exhausting. I think we made the right choice in the end but we certainly doubted our decision more than once. I had watched the PT people in the hospital and they gave me a lot of tipsāgetting in and out of bed, getting in a car, how to help someone stand up or help lift them from a chair. It was a good long while before we left him alone. And we had some battles (all good nowābut itās hard to order your parent around and not have them be irritated with you.) There is also the running around to get whatever medical supplies you might needāwalker, bedside commode, bandages (and learn to change them) etc.
Wow, thanks to everyone who replied. They are talking to the hospital coordinator about finding a rehab facility closer to home and have accepted that she wonāt be going home tomorrow. Reading your stories helped. The generosity on this thread is unbelievable.
It sounds like no kids are local? If so, if the decision has been made for inpatient rehab, maybe okay to wait for a visit until after rehab to help with transition to home? It is very difficult to know what to do when you are miles away. All dependent on how far away you and your sister are and how much help your dad needs right now.
The elder spouse many times needs as much if not more support since the other person is in the hospital/rehab and being cared for by professionals. Lots can be handled by phone and zoom these days by children. A quick visit for support if you are an hour or two away is quite different than an 8 hour drive or long plane ride, for instance . Good luck!
My next-door neighbor is 92, lives alone in a two-story house (bedrooms and full bathroom upstairs). She still drives (although not much). Well, in November she had a hip replacement. Although the plan was to have her go to inpatient rehab, her doctor didnāt want her to do that because of covid-19. So her 3 children (all hours away in another part of the state or a neighboring state) had āno plan.ā Of course āthe planā ended up being the only D staying with my neighbor for a number of weeks, and then took her to her house, and I think she also went to one of the other sibās house (the 3rd sib did not help at all). My neighbor is now back living alone at her house as of a few weeks ago, with someone who comes in just about every day for a short while. I heard her children did not want her to come back to this unsafe living situation, but couldnāt say no to her, I guess. The D enabled her by driving her back here. (Of course, I do fully sympathize with her probably being sick and tired of having her stubborn mother living with her!) So the neighborhood is waiting for the crisis that ends her independent living once and for all. And her H and S both died in that houseā¦
One thing with an older person who lives alone - to either always have a cell phone very close by (in pocket preferred) or a ālife alertā necklace - or have family member/friend talk to them regularly several times a day. Too many stories of falling/canāt get to a phone/passing out and not being found for pretty long length of time.
One family member very active and very good driver still at age 93 - but that is typically not the case (he has 5 aunts that lived from 101 - 107 - and often in their own home, two sisters managed together, another died at her own home at 105, one was a nun at skilled care and the oldest one there going around ācheering up the old folksā - she died 2 months before turning 107).
Once MILās hearing was really declining, her depth perception went enough where she was tapping/hitting the wood on the open garage door with the driver side front end. We convinced her to give up driving - she was maybe 86/87 at the time. The next door neighbors were very good folks who did neighborly things to watch out for the couple, and then when FIL went to skilled care, watch out for her.
My friendās MIL is 98 and lives next door. Her husband died about 6 years ago. He was the ādriverā. She absolutely refuses to go to assisted living of any kind, but her son (friendās husband) has to go over about twice a day to set out her meals. He also has to shovel her walk and cut the grass, do all the finances. They could not do this if he didnāt live next door.
The daughter lives in California, calls every night, does have 2 sons in the area who help out a little, but really it is all on the son. Of course the son and daughter are in their 70s and the grandchildren 40-50 years old, so will soon need care themselves.
I have elderly parents that we moved across the country to live on our farm last summer. Both have dementia, in varying degrees, and of different causes. I donāt even know where to begin with my experience!! We got their house sold long distance, have consolidated all their bank accounts and have a bank paying their bills, and have set up a live in aide, and I make them dinner most nights and try to spend some āqualityā time on their emotional needs. That said, their need is a bottomless pit, and Iāve had to learn that it just isnāt possible for me to meet every single need they have. My latest thing is to put out a call to find a companion to take my Mom out a couple of times a week.
Anyway, I digress, I wanted to share two things I didnāt know before the start of all this hands on care that have been invaluable:
we hired a local nurse who has a business advising families on the care of their elders. Money so well spent ā she IDāed the agency we are using for the aide, who has exceeded our expectations, and is an angel. She also advised on setting up the house for the elderly ā grab bars, toilet frames etc. If you can find someone like this (I think social workers do this sort of thing too) it makes the whole process a lot easier.
There are driver ārehabilitationā programs that can help evaluate the elderly personās driving. Iām in the middle of this, as it is clear to anyone thatās been in a care w/my Mom that she is unsafe. It is not as simple as just taking away her keys; but sheāll do this program and they will recommend she stop driving, or that she only drive the 4 miles into town, or something like that.
Anyway, hope this is helpful to someone!
Thanks again for everyone who contributed. Mom will be moving tonight to an assisted living facility for inpatient care for about a week. The hospital coordinator found Medicare places that were covered with her AARP supplement . Turns out itās bed in one of the fanciest places in the county.
As for mealsāmy dad is 98 and weāve done great freezing portion sizes of meat and veggies for dinner. (I live about 4 hours away and visit every 2-3 weeks and bring him more frozen foods). He just grabs a couple veggie sides and a meat and microwaves them. Like 3 min max, Uses paper plates so cleanup is absolute minimal. Been a total lifesaver.
I donāt fault anyone from not wanting to go to assisted living. Itās been shown that it can cause cognitive decline. Itās not easy to move when you are older. And if your home is set up well itās often safer. And itās great the son cuts the grass and shovels the walk but those are easily hired out.
My son is really enjoying Meals on Wheels. It seems like that would be an excellent option for seniors.