Good article:
The person’s eyes may glaze over, and they may become unresponsive
The glazed eyes are what I saw yesterday, unseeing.
So very complicated. In case it helps, some deaths, even without the need/wish for major pain management involve a fade out which precludes verbal communication. It seemed to be part of the shut down process for both of my parents. I knew exactly what was responsible for my mother’s death, while my father’s death had more possibilities for cause. He was in his 90s and it was time; couldn’t have asked for more from his body. I wish you and your mother peace and comfort. Hope hospice is helpful with your concerns.
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@compmom Hugs to you, comfort to your mom as she reaches for peace.
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@compmom, fwiw, the hospice for my mother (massive stroke) withheld food and water from day one (July 28, 2018) and she did not die until August 5. “She’s a fighter,” they said to us. 
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My MIL lived 6 weeks without nutrition or hydration other than the mouth swabs. The body slows way way down at the end.
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Your mother is so lucky to have you. Have that conversation with her even if she can’t respond. A one way conversation is ok. Your presence and the sound of your voice may soothe her and you will have the opportunity to leave nothing unsaid.
A pain free passing is a gift. May you both find peace in the transition.
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@compmom there is never enough time, is there? Please give yourself grace as you go through this process. IT is human nature to second-guess everything and worry about whether you are doing 'enough" or “the right thing.” Try to resist those temptations.
Assume she can always hear you and feel your touch. My MIL was in a hospice facility at the end and it was a blessing to see the staff care for her, shampooing her hair even though we knew she only had days or hours left. They wanted her (and us) to experience her as a person, not an invalid. We sat and held her hands. It was at once brutal but comforting.
I would err on the side of pain and agitation relief, even if it reduces her awareness. That can be a gift to her, even if it causes you pain. You are in my thoughts.
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Yes! Remembering the simple humanity of the hospice nurses shampooing my mom’s hair and making her comfortable when she arrived at the facility gives me such peace.
My mother died this morning just before 8am. I was headed back to the hospice house and stuck in traffic when the nurse called. I told them I wanted to lie in bed with her and the nurse made space in the bed before I got there. I raised all the shades so we (I) could see the beautiful garden, and got in bed with my mother while she was still warm. I am hoping her spirit was transitioning and that I could be with her for that.
I went back after lunch with my daughter. I just felt I needed more details to let go. I was grieving that I wasn’t with her. Everyone told me to take a break.
In response to my questions, the nurse said she never regained consciousness, that they did give her Ativan as we had decided, before repositioning her and she moaned but did not call out for me as she did yesterday, and she sank back down to somnolence. There was no winding down of her body or sign. They would have called me with a change in breathing, color, anything. So we think her heart just stopped, or her aortic aneurysm gave.
I spent most of the day Saturday and then Sunday when she first had the pain (and told me she was going to die) and spent Sunday night and all day Monday. I went home 8pm and drove back 10pm but she was so peaceful I left her We all thought she had more time .
Yesterday, when I stroked her and she emerged from her sleep during repositioning, she called my name multiple times with “help”. As I continued, she got more agitated so I moved away and she went back to sleep. I think my efforts to comfort made her struggle to stay awake.
I am trying to understand that maybe leaving let her go. The nurse said 50% of deaths there happen when loved ones leave.
Thank you all for the kind words and online hand holding. Now I am wishing you all the best in your situations. My mother is at peace. But I can’t believe she is gone! It takes awhile as you all know. Thank you!
My sincere condolences, @compmom. May you find comfort in memories and in knowing your love for your mother was always palpable. It does take time. I wish you peace and the chance to rest with caring support around you.
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So sorry! Rest , take care.
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I’m so very sorry @compmom. There is never enough time.
I hope that your beautiful memories with your mom will bring your comfort and peace.
Sending love.
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Adding my sincerest condolences as well. You could not have been a better daughter or advocate for your mom.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing.
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@compmom you were the most caring best daughter a mother could ask for. I like to think that she let go while you were gone on purpose.
My condolences
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@compmom -I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time to process and grieve. Hugs!
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@compmom, you have faced these challenges with grace, dignity, compassion, humility and love. These attributes will serve you well as you navigate your future without your mom.
Wishing you the comfort of memories and a peaceful heart.
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@compmom She didnt want to leave you any more than you wanted her to leave, maybe that’s why it happened the way it did. She had to have known and felt all the love and care you have given her.
No matter how “expected”, losing someone you love is hard. The hole in your heart is Mom-sized, but in time it will fill with more good memories than bad. I wish you all the comfort the world has to offer.
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My sympathy @compmom Even though it is expected, it is a shock. Feel what you feel, and don’t be concerned if you are crying too much or not enough. There is lots of support here if you need it, just ask.
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It is with great sadness that I read your post @compmom. May your mother’s memory be a blessing and may you take joy in the time you had together.
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