Parents of the HS Class of 2009 (Part 1)

Parents Forum Class of 20xx Community
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<p>Jumping back in . . . doing the grad party invites. . . wondered if I can ask what others do about the ‘neighborhood family friends?’ We’ve lived in neighborhood for a number of years. . .but there are not many kids son’s age. My gfs almost all have kids my 7 yo daughter’s age, but have known son to say ‘hi’ (& hear my various, angsty tales about HS/college search). </p>

<p>Wondered if you all were inviting friends who know your grad a bit, but are mainly your friends? And, where you draw the line? I have a group of friends, some of whom know son better than others, but we all live in the same neighborhood. </p>

<p>Torn between 1) not wanting to offend/leave someone out and 2) not wanting to look cheesy, inviting people to ‘get gift’ even though they’ve actually barely talked to son (tho they live down the street & our younger kids know each other).</p>

<p>Would appreciate hearing how others are finessing these things… :-)</p>

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<p>We definitely have friends we invite that don’t line up with our graduate. Truthfully, it all averages out over the years in that we mostly have the same number of kids!! However, whether it’s the economy or what, this year we have gotten more than a few invites that only apply to our kids where we would normally be on the guest list. My question becomes. if only our son is invited, what kind of gift, if any, is expected?</p>

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<p>Good question…Modadunn! I’d be interested to the appropriate answer to that too. Son has several types of friends: ones where we have known the family since the kids were 10 years old (easy, we’ll give a moderate cash gift). But, what about the friends in the same group, whose parents we’ve met maybe a couple of times or never?</p>

<p>I think from what I’ve heard – if the whole family is invited, you are assumed to have a connection & give the student a gift. If it’s just the kids – we all assume that kids don’t have tons of spare cash so no gift expected. I’m not 100% on that though…</p>

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<p>Jolynne-Very similar situation exists in my neighborhood. Neighbors are good friends with H & me, but mostly have younger kids so they don’t know D that well (except for some she used to babysit for). I am planning to invite them all to our graduation party which will be a very informal, back yard BBQ/open house. Last year the one other family with older kids did this for their S’s graduation.</p>

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<p>I hate coming off negative, this is generally such an upbeat forum and I sure would rather be the opposite. The reason I am panicked is because I have tried ALL these suggestions. I have been up until 3 the past 2 nights trying to work out a schedule that will assure he gets it all done in time. We have sat down and talked about it and screamed about it and walked off disgusted about it and everything in between. I have written notes for him to use for ideas for his thesis papers. Done research for his history paper and sent him notes, hounded him whenever I see him NOT working. (and that does not work)</p>

<p>Because we live in a tiny tiny town there are no tutoring centers anywhere near. The closest one closed and it was 25 miles away. We used it for a while a few years ago. Any other “help” would be a good 2-3 hours away. I have been searching for a private tutor/mentor for years - unsuccessfuly. In other words,I have been trying to stave this exact issue off for the past 3 or 4 years. Fat lot of good that did me.</p>

<p>I have contacted the GC for help (and the principal) on several issues dealing with the writing problems and trying to tailor a course of work that he could handle (like he would have done fine in business English, but he couldn’t take it if he wanted to take AP Calc) I suggested independent studies (nope) Her answer last year was that a C is an average grade and maybe we should be happy with it – implying I was only concerned about his grade and his transcript-- as it is he was lucky to get a D on English composition. The school requires 4 English courses, and despite that S had taken an accredited grammar course online through a college, they would not count it because he took an English class at school that year as well and they would only give ONE English credit a year. Had I known that I would have had him skip English at school that year and take it the following year. (SO he actually already had 4 English credits coming into Sr Year - but THEY required one THIS year for him to graduate.) This year when I contacted her just recently she said she had NO suggestions except to talk to the district psychologist for a reference to find a testing facility, but she basically said it was too late to do anything to help S for school now and had no suggestions on how we could get him caught up enough to graduate - again the problems with being in a small small town. He will not accept the help of any of his senior aquaintances - the pride thing. I cannot think of anyone I could even ask that he would agree to.</p>

<p>How is S feeling? Overwhelmed and in denial at the same time. He keeps insisting he will get it done and he will graduate yet I see him avoiding the work consistently. </p>

<p>I envy all of you who are thinking grad parties and proms and gifts and summer plans, and <em>even</em> the angst about saying good-bye. At this point I am really <em>hoping</em> to say good-bye (may feel differently once all this passes - see I DO still hold out some hope) But I need to state my fears and I am so glad I have somewhere to do it.</p>

<p>I have worked out all the scenarios - the worst being he does not pass one or either required class. </p>

<p>Worst case - his colleges deny him, he takes a year off, he takes some classes at the community college for HS credit or just gets his GED, learns to drive, gets a part time job, and we start all over with college applications. </p>

<p>The best of the worst case scenarios - College let’s him defer (and does not take away his merit awards) and they let him make up the failed course(s) over the next year, he learns to drive and gets a part time job and starts school a year later. </p>

<p>Best case of course is that he finishes his classes with a passing grade (but worst case in that scenario is that they yank his awards or deny him anyway because his GPA will be crap -so we will be back to worst case scenarion again) </p>

<p>“Bestest” case and the miracle for which I hold out hope is S somehow manages to get his grades up to passing by the time he will “walk” and in the few weeks before his classes are officially over, he brings his final grades up to a C (or better !- hey while I am hoping for miracles might as well dream big) And he can enter school proud of his accomplishment and confident that he deserves his awards </p>

<p>(meanwhile, understand, he has an A+ in AP calc and is one of the higher test scorers in AP Bio, is singing with the choir on a regular basis. It is just the writing assignments where he tanks) </p>

<p>He took the Math Placement test for college and he got only one question wrong - but he knew his mistake - was told he should skip Calc I and II. </p>

<p>He has a lot to offer if we could just get past this and if he can eventually find help for, or grow out of, his writing issues.</p>

<p>Yes things could be worse. I am thankful I am not the mother that went to wake her son up the other morning only to find him dead of a drug overdose. I am thankful I am not the mother whose child is having a child. I am thankful my son is here actually sitting at his computer “trying” (for what it is worth) to be “something” and to get this seemingly impossible task done. Yes things could be worse than having to wait a while longer for some dreams to come true.</p>

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<p>TM you are a great mom and my heart goes out to you and your son. The GC and administration seem to be throwing out the baby with the bathwater- not seeing all the great things your son is consistantly doing and helping him negotiate where he is not strong. Gifted LD is diffficult. Sometimes I think administration can’t understand the desparities in how a kiddo can function, and just set them up to fail. Sometimes literally.
I wish I could offer more to hold on to. You sound like a creative mom who has generated a lot of options to help and he sounds like a brilliant but temporarily overwhelmed young man.
Hang in there with him. Give yourself a hug.</p>

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<h1>theory: For what it’s worth…my S1 is my challenge. He is very bright, and could do so much better in school than he does. I used to do a lot of the things you mentioned above. Not all of them, of course, and S1’s issues probably are not as severe as your sons; however, a couple of grading periods ago, I was once again disappointed with his report card.</h1>

<p>I simply handed it back to my son and said to him, “I can’t want this for you, more than you want it for yourself. You have dreams for the future, and this (report card/grades)isn’t going to get you there. I’m done. No more nagging, It’s all up to you”. He in turn, simply replied, “I know”, with a sheepish look on his face.</p>

<p>I kept my word and have left him alone. The following report card, he dropped a bit in two courses, raised a grade in another, and the other course I don’t care about because it’s a silly filler class. Bottom line is that the outcome is about the same as it would have been, had I been pushing him along.</p>

<p>We had a quick conversation a few weeks ago about college plans. While previously he never would have considered our local CC, he aknowledged this isn’t his first choice, but one he will need to consider. The point being, he has realized that his study habits (or rather lack of study habits), has earned him the position he is in. I have seen more work coming out of him since the college conversation. Comes back to the idea of handing ALL the responsibility over to him and see what he will do with it. In our case, it seems to be working.</p>

<p>I also pray everyday for help to stay out of his business. I pray that I will calmly accept his fate. I can’t change it. I’ve certainly tried.</p>

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<p>Hugs to you, #theorymom, as you go through this. You sound like you are doing the very best you can. At this age, it’s very hard to push and get anywhere. And it makes you feel bad in the process (know the experience very well; been there). Sounds like you are smart, playing out the scenarios–that helps you feel prepared but not w/out hope. Thinking positively for your son.</p>

<p>ksabbo–sounds like you are making headway. Wish I had the strength to ‘step back’ sometimes. I know it’s good; hard when you feel that it’s in the middle of ‘crunch.’ I actually organized son’s school backpack today (haven’t done that since middle school—he’s down at the beach for the weekend with friends). I’m thinking of him going away, but need to concentrate on chilling/stepping back, too.</p>

<p>On the grad thing—Fallgirl–did you specify to your neighbors you invited to the bbq ‘no gifts’ please (“your presence is your present” or something like that)? I’m thinking that would make it seem like less of a ‘gift request/invite’ for the friends who don’t know son as well. I think the closer friends would give a gift anyway.</p>

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<p>TM - I think graduating kids have been through a lot of things that make them feel low. Sweet and encouraging words from the mother are usually more effective (from experience with my S). You are not alone in this situation. No kid can really say I am going to college until the first class session starts. The kids are at the greatest risk in the last couple weeks in HS. May be you can ask the teacher be more understanding and give your son suggestions to complete the assignment. I think he can do it. It’s just something that bothers him.</p>

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<h1>theory, my oldest daughter was like your son and my biggest mistake as a parent was helping her out of the jam thinking that once on even ground she’d take over on her own. Problem was, she never really did and fell down hugely that first year in college. My S never asked for help beyond quizzing him on his completed study guides, proofing a paper or helping him come up with a conclusion or two freshman year. Each year brought more independence… maybe he learned from a bad example what not to do. In any event, there are worse things than your worse scenario of taking classes at CC. Truthfully, instead of going directly to college we should have planned a gap year for oldest D or a year at boarding school vs the very real waste of $32k that first year of college back in 2003/04. She spent a lot of time in denial and while it was heartbreaking, she had to finally learn how to pick herself up. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I never made those mistakes again. If son or younger D found themselves drowning, they had better seek out the help for themselves. I could encourage and support, but I would not save them from their own procrastination. Of course, now I am accused of other wrongs, but their education is clearly their own and I have no worries that S doesn’t know how to ask for help when he needs it.</h1>

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<p>Theory mom no advice just thinking of you hope it all works out.</p>

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<h1>theorymom…sigh…{{{hugs}}} and positive thoughts and prayers your way! Hoping it works out for the best.</h1>

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<p>Just to step back a bit from #theorymom’s post, I wish that every educator in every school everywhere could see it. Humans have so many different kinds of intelligence- yet we are all guilty of thinking “smart” or “not smart.” I do feel sorry for students in K-12 because they are exepected to be good in everything - even art and music and PE. I was a special ed major in a very fine program and took several ed psych courses and really had no idea how skewed in one direction the human brain could be. We’ve all seen “savants” on TV and think they are the one in a million exception.</p>

<p>When my son was in the 2d semester of 4th grade, he went to all day testing at a child study center. He was tested in something like 18 different areas. In one area, he tested at the 3rd grade level. In another, he tested at the “12th grade+” (highest possible) level. The other results were scattered in between.</p>

<p>The Texas legislature is considering a proposal to not let students graduate unless they can pass an exit level exam in Algebra II “to demonstrate college readiness”. The first issue of course is that not all students are college material. The next issue is that some people don’t have the math brains to pass Algebra II. My sister is off the charts smart in verbal skills. She failed Algebra I in HS. She was a philosophy major in college and had to take Algebra I three times before she passed it…that was the only thing holding up her degree. </p>

<p>Does a person who can’t pass Algebra not deserve to graduate from high school or college? Would the world be a better place if #theorymom’s math brain son is not allowed a HS diploma because of writing issues? I just wish the people making the rules understood the human brain a little bit better.</p>

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<p>TM: I feel the anquish in your post. As I was reading it, I was thinking “time to let go”. I’ve had fights with my son in the past couple of years, the worst of which was over low grades junior year and some of which were over the college application process (they are what brought me to CC in the first place). I’ve learned through these conflicts and their aftermath that letting go was the best option open to me and the last thing I thought of doing.</p>

<p>Modadunn’s experience is valuable. Say you got your son to perform the miracle, how would his first year be?</p>

<p>Several years ago, I was on a fast learning curve. I had a terrific support group through this process. I remember one particular day when I was all wound up, stressed out over all the things I had going on, I said to one of my friends “I have so many balls in the air, I’m afraid I’ll drop one.” She said, “maybe that’s what you’re supposed to learn … what happens when you drop one.” I was stunned that she suggested that I couldn’t do everything I’d signed up to doing. It never even occured to me to let one or two balls drop.</p>

<p>It still won’t occur to me until I’m stressed or in a fight of some kind, but I’ve learned that good things can and do happen when I let go. My son’s grades this year have been the best he’s ever had and he finished up the applications, all without me.</p>

<p>Letting go can be one of the most scary and most liberating action we can take sometimes. (((((hugs))))) to you theorymom</p>

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<p>Okay, I’ll take a deep breath before I type this. Please know I don’t intend this as an attack on any of the great posters on our special forum, however, I don’t think our friend, #TM, needs the advice about backing away and letting her S take the fall. </p>

<p>It sounds like her son has some serious trouble with writing that may well be, as Missypie intimates, a wiring issue in his brain, not a psychological issue with procrastination (although procrastinating makes sense if his brain just can’t do it). #TM is trying to get him past this last major writing push so he can finally be at a place where he can flourish and celebrate the amazing way his brain IS wired for higher math. If he can just manage to finish, have the joy of walking with his class, and overcome this big hurdle, he’ll be able to shine. If he can’t, they’ll figure it out, but working together on the final stretch is what teams/families do.</p>

<p>Poor kid and poor mom, I hope you can both exhale in a couple of weeks.</p>

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<p>I think I kind of agree with Cpeltz… but in this way: Sometimes when overwhelmed, the brain kind of freezes. And so, especially as it pertains to writing, just getting started is the block. I do know that when daughter was stymied with writing a paper, (and she does test for some executive functioning issues), I would say… just tell me what you want to say. Just talk. With son, I stepped it up to something without my help and said… just start writing about anything. Even if it’s just typing about not wanting to write about what you need to write about might give you a kernel of where you need to go. I always said, never worry about the introduction or the conclusion if you were stumped about what to write about because both would show itself through the meat of the process. Sometimes the hardest thing for kids to do is simply start.</p>

<p>I agree HUGELY with Missypie about the ridiculousness that expects all kids to be generalists in education. I did pass Algebra II in HS, but much like her sister I scored nearly perfect on the verbal portion, but I am not lying to say I barely got the points for my name in the math section. I fully confess to sucking at math and am just glad there are calculators and accountants in the world who do not. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I don’t know how necessary or productive it would be to make a list as just the visual of it all would seem overwhelming even to me, who actually likes a list in most things. But the truth is, sometimes I have found that what is holding me back most is the fear of NOT finishing so much so that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So… if the life experience of some 47 year old woman helps, learning to just begin is the best way to get to the end. Stupid, I know. Still, it’s true.</p>

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<p>The great thing about advice is you don’t have to take it :)</p>

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<p>Lindz: true confessions–I’m catching up here and read your account of graduation and completely started welling up–these next few weeks (until June 10) are going to be HARD! </p>

<h1>TM, oh dear. I’ll keep reading and hope you found some support from school. I am a hopeless optimist and think that you and your son have very successfully navigated roadblocks before and this will just be another speedbump. He does give gray hair. doesn’t he? He will be a great problem solver I bet, when all is said and done. Ok, editing now after reading your long post. I guess the question is, is your son amenable to help? What is he saying about what he wants/is willing to take on? Have you, son and GC met to figure out a plan? Is there NO flexibility, given his talents in the other classes? It’s very frustrating as a cyberpal to not be able to help “fix” things, let alone truly understand what you’re going through. But we’ll be here to listen and help as much as we can.</h1>

<p>Oregon101–I am so happy you went to the meet! That will be a funny moment when he sees the screen saver. Ok, more reading…</p>

<p>Jolynne, I always think being inclusive rather than exclusive is the way to go–some neighbors may be really flattered to be included. If you’re doing a open house-like thing, I think its nice to ask whomever you want.</p>

<p>KSSabo, wow–what a terrific way to handle your son–and you show great strength!</p>

<p>Missypie: EXACTLY!!! What you said!</p>

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<p>Oh so true! :)</p>

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<p>Having been in a slightly similar sitch as #theorymom, I can definitely see cpeltz’s perspective. Just trying to get through this difficult time, to make it on to a place that might be better for son. Letting go = good, but not always feasible, given the moment. That said, trying to let go a bit on non-crisis stuff, here.</p>

<p>Modadunn–I do that too, w/a writing project. Just start typing stuff, even typing out the questions I have (did this Friday w/a new project about which I knew absolutely nothing and was overwhelmed w/my complete ignorance on). That can help organize. I also tell my son (he can procrastinate)—sometimes it helps to do the diddly, administrative parts of a project, just to get yourself into it. For example – create the cover for your doc, type up the title, do the page headings, etc. The plus is (also) that when you turn it in, those little polished details that make it appear ‘nicer’ at the outset are already done. </p>

<p>Thanks for the thought on invites, SJTH! Think we’ll be inclusive, ultimately.</p>