@glido @SnowflakeDogMom @pickledginger @I sure hope that is the case. What would you do if you child still does not want to return. Mine has already applied to a different school, where her sister goes. Would you let them? Make them stick it out. Make them come home? I’m torn. I don’t think we should “punish” her by saying you can’t transfer, you have to come home. My husband, not o sure. I feel that she has worked so hard through high school, it’s not fair to do that. I REALLY want her to try to see if it gets better. What do others think? What would you do?
I remember reading somewhere more than a third of college students transfer. She sounds like a great kid who knows what she wants. I would let her transfer and support her decision.
@momtwin, since you’re asking my opinion, I’ll say that I know I would let my S18 transfer (at least at the end of the year) if he had legitimate reasons for wanting to do so . . . and I probably would let him transfer earlier if he really wanted to regardless, as long as it wasn’t a huge financial increase or something like that. I would definitely try to figure out a way to finish the year with the plan to switch next year if he still felt that way, but if push came to shove, I would want him to have a chance to be in control of his situation and try another environment.
However, it depends on the kid. I’m trying to picture what I would do with my S20, who’s much more impetuous, and it would be a lot easier for me to tell S20 he needed to stick it out.
Our kids are in a “make it work” situation. We simply could not afford schools other than the ones they are currently attending.
They have had to realize their options are limited. So I told youngest, she is not stuck at college and if she is truly unhappy w/ her choice, she can leave but that means she will be living at home, working and going to school part time.
For those w/ better financial considerations, I think I would still want them to stick out the first year. But, if they were truly overwhelmed, or were not up to the rigor of the school, I would let them transfer.
I tend to agree with with Chercheur and Pickledginger. My DD is very impulsive and is not a suck it up and deal with it kind of person (total opposite of me and her brother but just like her Dad). Switching schools, if not a major hardship would be something I would absolutely entertain. With my DD, there would be no convincing her to give it a shot, once she decides something this drastic, that would be it. Might as well pack her bags because trying to make it work or give it a chance is not in her DNA.
The fact that your student has already applied to transfer tells me she is determined to make this happen. I tend to lean towards, if she does the work, she sorts it out, she follows thru and there are no major financial hurtles that could be avoided by staying the year, then ya, I’d support the decision.
I had a co-worker several years ago who went thru this exact scenario. Their DD went off to her “dream” school that was far from home only to discover she hated everything about it. She returned home at the end of the 1st semester, attended the local university for the spring and then transferred somewhere else to start her sophomore year.
Several of DD’s friends who were a year ahead of her also came home midway thru the first year or at the end of the first year and changed their plans, attended different schools etc.
Currently, all of DD’s social group from her HS class have stayed put but the phenomenon is not lost on me, lots and lots of kids change schools.
This IMO is a life lesson in flexibility. You don’t like your surroundings or situation, figure out how to successfully change them and move forward so that you can be successful.
@laralei I totally relate, we too are in the same situation. DD was awarded a significant merit scholarship which made out of state/living on campus doable. If she were to decide that she just could not stay, her only option would be to return home and attend the local CC. She would not be stuck but her options would be very limited, thus I commented if not a major hardship or financial hardship.
Back from Amherst and we had a lovely time seeing our girl on Family Weekend. Let me begin by saying that I understand now more than ever, that life and all of its “lifeyness” still happens, just 2k miles away from home now. This can be so hard for the nurturing mama in me, but that is my stuff to deal with and certainly not hers.
Challenges have come up, one in particular which brought a few choice words to mind. Roommates can be [FILL IN THE BLANK] Can I get an amen? We have been impressed at how well D18 has handled each one.
She shared that the work is challenging, but it’s work she enjoys in subjects that she is passionate about and she feels well prepared and capable. She even mentioned to us that the often mentioned NARP/ Athlete divide has not been an issue for her as she has made friends playing various sports currently.
Finally, as we wandered through the beautiful quad sprinkled with Adirondack chairs, she told us that she likes the community at Amherst and feels that it is the right school for her (weather notwithstanding) My hope is that in year 2,3 and 4, she is still singing the same song.
:-*
I know it seems like they just got settled, but has anyone else been looking at second year housing options? DS seems close to finalizing housing plan for next year. Year 1 he has been in a traditional dorm for mostly first and a few second year honors students. Year 2 he is planning to live in a furnished 6 bedroom, 6 bath “cottage” with five other friends. Three guys and three girls. It is close to campus (short walk) but is not a school affiliated property. Part of a gated community with a pool and fitness center. Definitely going to be a change in his style of living compared to this year.
DD is in traditional and it only costs us $5600 a year. She has already talked about moving to the apartment style on campus. It isn’t much more $, is considered school housing, but would require a bus to get to classes on the other side of the campus. I don’t like it. I think she will become too isolated from campus life.
There is also an off campus complex that is very desirable for the kids, like @LOUKYDAD posted, but would be $12K per year, doubling the cost of housing. My son at Bama lives in a terrific complex w/ crazy amenities for less than $8K per year, so I would never go for this option.
The cheaper off campus apartments are not that cheap and are very poor quality.
My plan is for her to stay in traditional again for her sophomore year, and then have her move to the on campus apartments for the last 2. She isn’t thrilled about it, but the savings would be huge.
Because our S18 is in Los Angeles (expensive), a big draw for us was guaranteed on-campus housing for 3 years. It’s virtually certain that he’ll stay on campus next year, but perhaps he will look off campus junior year. He’s also delayed on the self-sufficiency front, so I imagine shopping, cleaning, etc will be a bit of a jump when the time comes.
I think D’s friend group will get a house together, and if so, she’ll want to join. I’m not a fan because it will separate them from campus life, so missed social and other opportunities, and will be a time drain - longer to get to classes, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. But I really like her friends so I won’t say no. But I’m hoping to convince all of them of the benefits of remaining on campus! They have the rest of their lives to live in an apt.
My DD has a nice kind of hybrid situation at Clemson. There is a new school complex that just opened this year that has apartments. So she and three friends are getting a 4 bedroom 4 bath with a full kitchen, Living room TV included. One of the higher cost school dorms, but keeps her on campus for another year which I am happy about.
At my son’s school they had to decide by October 1 whether they wanted to live on campus or off campus.
It seemed daunting to have to decide so early.
If they signed a lease, they would be locked into that contract, unless they found someone to assume the lease.
If they signed the on campus housing agreement, they were locked into on campus living for both semesters, unless they did student teaching, study abroad or a co-op, or withdrew.
They would not be released from it for on campus living.
The school offered a big discount to existing students and we decided to have him live on campus one more year.
My S is very busy and I want him close to campus for one more year, not having to worry about shopping and cooking.
Wow, @mommdc, that is early! They haven’t even been at school all that long!
I have to check w/ DD and see if she knows when she needs to choose. I can actually see her missing the deadline and I won’t be happy. The on campus housing complex would require 4 other roommates, and I don’t think she is even friendly enough w/ that many yet. 
S and I were just talking about this tonight. He hasn’t been asked about any firm plans, but he wants to stay in his current dorm. It’s central on campus and has a great since of community.
I hate this pressure to decide 2nd year housing arrangements so early. At my son’s school, the pressure comes from the private apt leasing companies that try to create the impression that the students need to sign leases asap to get their desired accommodations, when in reality there is plenty of housing available and the prices are often cheaper next semester. Students sign leases now, then have a falling out or one of them leaves the school, and they are stuck having to sublease or get another roommate.
I agree that the early pressure is kind of crazy.
At ND, they have to stay on campus for 3 years which I’m happy about. They typically stay in the same dorm the whole time. In the spring they pick rooms based on a lottery/seniority system. So all the girls who will be seniors the following year (if they want to stay on campus) go first and their order is by lottery, then the next junior class, etc.
Just signed the lease and paid the security deposit on a 5 bedroom/5.5 bath house.
Thanks everyone for your comments, perspectives, etc. Our daughter is still waiting on the school she wants to transfer to, while making it work at UCLA. I keep thinking she will change her mind, but she seems more adamant then every that she wants to transfer. I was just talking to my husband about her. She has never been a complainer, but I am getting so many messages every day from her and they are just so negative, which is not her personality at all. In high school she was an amazing student, student athlete, class officer, etc. and was full of happiness. It’s been so hard knowing that she’s just not happy. She told me today she feels guilty about transferring because she knows we spend money on tutoring for her for the SAT’s. We told her that we don’t want her worrying about that, and that she has to do what she feels will make her happy and excited for school. This is definately not what I expected when she headed off to college. I love reading everyone’s posts about how their kids are doing. As far as housing, my olde daughter lived off of campus her sophomore, junior, and now senior year, and has stayed really involved, playing club volleyball, in clubs for he major, and volunteering. I think it depends on the kids.
@momtwin I’m getting caught up here and seeing that your D still doesn’t feel right about where she is. I’m sorry for that but I’m glad she has a plan that she likes.
We are going through something similar. D seemed to get off to a good start for the first couple of months. She has a nice group of friends and a decent roommate. Classes are going well. But a few weeks ago, she just became unhappy and very stressed. She’s had some physical pain that brought her to the doctor and then to the ER. That seemed to resolve, but she’s still not herself and she won’t really talk about it. She has visited home twice recently. She has slept most of the time besides doing homework.
This is probably just the adjustment, but it’s hard to watch and feel like nothing I can do will help. I have a couple of other kids that are really emotional, and I have had years of practice in learning how to deal with them in a way that’s positive and helpful. But D18 has always been so chill. I’m so unused to seeing her so stressed, and I feel helpless to help her.
I have wondered if she would have been better off at a small LAC rather that the public uni, which was the plan before she got such a good merit scholarship. She doesn’t like constant activity and chaos, so I was concerned that community living without having a place to retreat and be alone might be tough on her, and that has turned out to be the case. A friend’s daughter sometimes sees my D on campus and has told her mom that D always has a group of people with her. That should be a good sign but for D I suspect it’s too much activity.
Next year, if she stays on campus, she’ll be in the expensive honors housing where she will have her own bedroom. Based on what she has shared, I think she wants to room with quiet kids.