Keep us posted @mom2twogirls
Congratulations @dfbdfb and @mom2twogirls !
Congrats, @mom2twogirls and also @dfbdfb ā¦ DD decided yesterday that she would not go to the theater awards gala, because the team needs her more. (Assuming they make it to the final game.) Glad she was able to quickly prioritize this one.
Aw. It does seem like the right choice but itās too bad she will miss the gala.
Iām kind of glad I donāt have to spring for a formal gown in ninth grade. Plus, we just had to buy a bridesmaid dress for her. ā¦ Stepsister getting married in Augustā¦
D19 is working hard to make up missing work from the Time.Sink.Known.As.Theatre period. The show she was in was nominated for a Cappie (actually a total of 7 nominations) so sheās going to the gala. Thankfully it is after most exams.
Next year HAS to be better grade-wise. (P!ease.)
@OrangeFish I feel your pain.
S19 hasnāt fully recovered from the time sink of his band trip to Ireland and S17, who can ill afford it, has fallen prey to the time sink of the spring musical. Last show Sunday. Thank heaven. In Junior year, this stresses me out. Which then stresses him. Trying to hide it.
@eandesmom ā might you have any tips for not nagging? I could use some advice. I think I spend more time reviewing grades than D19 does, and this may not be a good thing.
@OrangeFish what I try to do, and it mostly works, is simply enforce consequences without the nagging. Nagging doesnāt work at my house, in fact I swear it makes it worse, in a bizarre reverse psychology kind of way. Typically the less I nag, the better they do, and the more privileges they earn. That said, they are kids and not always great about seeing when they are overextended or are overconfident in their ability to fix/correct things, an intellectual arrogance if you willā¦
In both cases, I just reinforce the house rules. With one kid right now, it means he canāt buy any more computer parts for the PC he is building until things/grades/missing assignments are fixed. Iām not yelling or nagging, just stating here is the consequence for the choice you are making and the power is yours to fix it. Ultimately itās up to him and I have to let him fail if that is what he wants/needs to do.
For another kid, it means he does not get to go out after the play with friends either night this weekend. He has a ridiculous schedule, is forgetting to eat, is moody and cranky, just finished AP testing and is studying for another go at the ACT. He is over extended and canāt see it. It isnāt a punishment in my mind, just a natural consequence of an over extended kid that needs a forced slow down whether he can see it or not. No nagging, just a 'this is what it is" and refusing to engage.
I have spent a lot of time looking lately, which makes the kids nuts as itās not really āreal timeā but at the same point in time, it is ultimately the tracking system they have, and what I have to go on. I just try to keep most of my looking to myself and keep it casual and not nagging if I do bring it up. If they are giving 100% (or more) and it is the best they can do, then no nagging. If however they are clearly not, then I try to go after the root cause of that in a logical way as best I can.
Thank you, @eandesmom ! Something has to change at our house as there is too much stress, and it affects everyone. Even the dog! I appreciate your approach and your detailed post.
@eandesmom We find that withholding electronics and TV for sporting events works better than nagging with DS19 as well.
@carolinamom2boys I wish just withholding TV and electronics worked but it never has. S19 could be happy in an empty room or playing with a blade of grass or doodling/drawing/writing. It seems we always have to keep evolving what the pain point isā¦what will really be noticed and missed. Right now itās the computer parts and stuff for the radio station he is trying to create. In the past itās been things like winter camp for scouts or other fun group things that I really hate taking but itās not much of a consequence if they donāt care!
They test, they often donāt think we will really follow through if itās big enough (i.e. the scout camp for him, baseball in 8th grade for his brother) which is really silly on their part as we do always follow through. The big stuff though, they notice and do learnā¦I just hate having to go there. For his brother, depriving him of social interaction and activity is akin to death and motivates pretty quickly. Iāve yet to find anything quite that effective with S19ā¦maybe by the time he is a junior lol.
When both he and his brother were younger they used to have to go to book jail. Meaning I took all their books away (as they were reading instead of doing HW) and they were either allocated one at a time for a certain period of time or had to earn them back. It was brutal!
The key though is for me to try to just stay calm regardless. Itās so much more effective when I can pull it off.
At the moment my quandary is do I let S19 take an online CS class that starts before school gets out when grades and assignments look like they do. Iāve been assured itās all turned in but Iām not sure adding another distraction is a good idea much as I want him to do one of these classes over the summer.
I def need help on the parenting front. Last night in the car I was told " I might actually talk to you guys if I didnāt think you would take advantage and start nagging about stuff. When I was little you guys used to be so happy with me. We talked all the time" Not funā¦
Our policy is that I say nothing about homework and trust him to get it done and in on time. But I check the portal somewhat randomly and if a missing assignment shows up he is not allowed to go on his computer until that assignment, all current assignments, and trombone practice is done. A low score on a reading quiz counts as a missed assignment.
This morning as he is putting his shoes on I say, āIs all your homework in your backpack?ā and he runs downstairs to gather it up. Seriously boy? I thought Iād be past this at age 15.
@2019hope, I think 15 is the hardest age for boys. Things will get better. The fact that he is able to express that feeling to you is in itself a good thing. Watch him closely to make sure substance abuse is not an issue. (My observation is often kids start drinking, using drugs, etc., around freshman year and freshman summer.) Another tip for boys this age: they are always hungry. Take him out to his favorites unexpectedly. Buy him what he likes at the store. It goes a long way. I am not above using food bribes (hate to admit it, but I am susceptible to them too 
).
D19 is on a bus trip to NYC today with her theatre group. I had thought about taking that away due to her missing assignments, but it seemed far too harsh. (Plus weād be out the $100+ we had already paid for the trip.) State testing starts Wednesday and school finals do not end for another 3.5 weeks. I just hope she passes all her classes.
@OrangeFish It is hard to know what to take away. I swear S19 has sat on his rear end all weekend, not a clue what the kid actually did. Heās got 4 weeks left and 2 grades that have serious issues, all due to laziness. He will pass but Iāve my doubts on how repairable the GPA is at this point. So what do I do? Not let him do the CS class or let him anyway since itās better than just sitting on his rear? Track is over and for this one, thatās not a good thing. 4 weeks before summer running starts so he needs something! I probably would have done the same thing you did.
The good news is schools DO focus more on 10th and on but that freshman year is hard to recover from.
@2019hope I agree, it is hard. Were are going through some of that with S17 and a LOT of it is teen hormones. I try to balance it out as best I can. Iād āgroundedā the kid from evening activities this weekend, not so much for any concern of what he was doing at night but just b/c it was such a crazy busy weekend the kid needed to slow down and couldnāt see it. After his practice ACT test I took him out to a favorite spot to eat because 1) the kid is not eating enough and 2) is wiped and needed a treat. He was so drained he could hardly make conversation. So I let him just not talk. And promised not to bring anything up that I knew he was āoverā (i.e. college stuff, school, testing).
Yet, it was exactly what he needed. After he asked if we could hit a used record store, he found one nearby and we had a nice 20 minutes of music engagement after we searched the racks. And, while neither were intentional bribes, between the dining and car time we had some great conversation. Including stuff about college and testingā¦that he initiated 
But itās hard not to seize on something they tell you that might be a concern. Really really hard. Listening is your friend. My H is horrible at it. He will jump in and start harping on something, effectively shutting kids down. He isnāt out of line mind you but his timing stinks. Pick your battles and let a lot of the small stuff go.
In my family, consistency is the key and expectations are established early. DS 19 neglected to turn in several homework assignments ( never been an issue before) and did poorly on a test, so his English grade tanked earlier this quarter. He has spent the last 3 weeks playing catch up , and completing a ridiculous amount of assignments given at the last minute by his English teacher. He is only able to use his phone or computer for his HW. He has spent basically every waking minute working on his assignments while his older brother has had time to go to the movies and spend time with friends. Is this harsh ? Maybe. Is it necessary because of the lack of responsibility shown earlier this quarter? Yes. Will he think twice before he neglects to do something like again? Most likely. But if he does , he knows what to expect.He needs to learn about consequences early on. He now knows that homework can offset a bad test grade, and will be more inclined to do what heās supposed to in the future. He has a little over a week of school left. Heāll have plenty of downtime then.
For us, we have found diminished returns in long term removal of things. Short and immediate works. Long term removal doesnāt work at all around here. Not turning in assignments is not a new issue for S19. Unfortunately in the past he has always been able to pull it out at the end and end up with decent grades. I can talk all I want about HS not being the same but he will have to feel the real pain I suspect before believing it (intellectual arrogance big time). In his case I honestly donāt think it will āstickā until he sees a truly bad grade and gpa as he honestly thinks he is above it all and it will fix itself magically. It is the non honors level classes the kid is messing up in, the ones that are ābeneathā him. First semester it was health of all things and right now it is the basic world history class and french 3. I can talk till I am blue in the face and while I know he intellectually cares and realizes this could really screw him up for his long term plansā¦I really donāt think he gets how serious it is and what he is deliberately risking. Which means I have to let him fail. Right now I will not be surprised if he ends up as a messy scattergram with a okay gpa but really strong test scores. At the same point in time, they do mature and care more and it can get better so I have hope in that area.
All missing assignments are in, homework is done but he canāt erase the penalties assigned. Will he get extra privileges over the next 4 weeks, no. But taking everything away at this point is pointless and just encourages him sitting in his room which doesnāt help a thing. I could restrict him from youth group tonight for example. That will not impact the behavior one way or another.
@eandesmom My son still doesnāt have privileges because everything is not turned in yet. Once he gets his work done, he regains his privileges . I also donāt believe long term things work consistently . And parenting is a truly personalized and individualized process. Definitely, not a one size fits all process.