I understand. My son’s gf since freshman year (she graduates college this year) has been pre med. Straight A’s except one B. She realized in her junior year that she did not really want to be a doctor. She loves the medical field but really is also home oriented. She would like a family and to really be home a good bit with them and she wants to start a family before many years from now. She decided that being a PA would make her very happy. She told her parents and they lost it! They told her that they would cut off her medical insurance (she has a chronic condition and really needs it!) and not give her a penny to fund PA school, give away that money to her sisters and not pay for the wedding they had saved for (we all said not to worry about that). They (mainly her mom) think she is wasting her life by being a PA not a doctor. She realized that she was going that way because her mom pushed her to it. I feel so bad for her. Now she is not being totally truthful with them but taking a gap year or semester to study for the GRE and apply to PA school while she works. They are not happy with her. I think the career needs to fit the student as long as they can make enough to live to the level they feel content with.
My son will be a veterinarian and will work a lot and is fine with her being a PA or a doctor or a researcher (she is very gifted in that). He just wants her to be happy and fulfilled. Parents shouldn’t try to live their lives through their children by directing them to careers they think are best.
Exactly same here! She did some summer program there two years back and wasn’t in love with the school or the city. So she is not even thinking about it. And waiting for April 6. I am sort of losing hope due to these JHU and UCLA results.
@anaray Yup. 4/6 is our next big day. I think USC and Vanderbilt are sprinkled in between but S21 didn’t get the invite to USC’s big ticket scholarships so that was eliminated quickly from our list of choices. Right now S21 is surprisingly elevating UCI to the top. He’s loved UCSD for a million years so I’m shocked. However, with his major and AP’s, I think he only has 1-2 GE req’s at UCI to fulfill so I’m thinking it is a very practical choice.
Your D has great choices so far. We will just treat Ivies as a lottery ticket play
I’m so sorry. All our kids have worked so hard and dealt with so much. They all deserve to get into the schools to which they feel they should be admitted. Some grieving is healthy. I have no doubt though that this time next year she will be loving the college where she attends and won’t be able to see herself anywhere else.
Thank you for sharing this story. We as parents can get overly invested (guilty as charged). Sometimes we have to take a step back to get some perspective. I cried this week when D17 received a full tuition scholarship to Vanderbilt to get her Master’s in speech pathology, which she plans to accept. I am embarrassed to say that these were not happy tears - they were sad tears because she has been away at Tulane for four years and I was hoping she would be near home for a while as she was accepted to a program nearby that she had always planned to attend. S21 is still deciding between two colleges close to home and Northeastern (5 hours from here). In my case, I am mourning the expected “loss” of both children at once. I have to remember that this is their path: I was on it for a while (and I will always be to some extent), but for the most part, it is their path to walk alone going forward.
Wow, that’s so sad. That’s long term damage to their relationship with their kid for a really dumb reason.
Good friend’s daughter is getting her BSN at Michigan then plans to work a few years and thinks her employer will help pay for her to get NP degree. She wants to be NP in psychiatry and work with the elderly. While in high school, she spent a of time with her grandmother who had dementia and developed an interest in geriatrics. What a fantastic route, right? She won’t have much, if any, debt, will earn a good living, flexibility if she has a family, can live anywhere, and will pursue her passion! Sounds much better than med school and residency to me!
I agree, her parents should support a PAjust as much. However it sounds like her decision is primarily lifestyle concern. That is sad—if she only had been able to talk to real female doctors she would have realized part-time is common now, and starting family in residency (late 20s)is very common and doable. There are many many fields within medicine that allow females (or males!) to structure their terms to be home after school at least half the days, weekends off, etc. I even know two that arefull-time and with their kids every day after school. PAs and NPsoften have less autonomy and control of these factors, in real life.
Wow that was difficult to read. I see it quite often and my heart breaks every time. Some parents really, REALLY need to watch Dead Poets Society again !
I hear you about mourning the loss of your kids at home or nearby. Would it help if you created a long-term goal for yourself, one that can only be accomplished with the kids not nearby? I plan on traveling full-time throughout the USA after my youngest leaves for college. I may keep our home for a few years for their sense of security, but at some point I will sell it to reduce expenses since I don’t plan on coming back much except to perhaps reunite with my kids over the holidays. I have traveled extensively throughout my life (mostly before having kids) and am itching to get back out there. I have friends who live on the road and hike throughout the world, working part-time here and there or living off their investments, and my people are calling to me out there…
Is there something you love to do, something you can immerse yourself in, something that has nothing to do with the kids but is only for you? Doesn’t have to be travel if you have a significant other and strong roots where you are. Just something you do for you, your own adventure, whatever that may be. A long-term goal of some sort. Something you couldn’t really do much with the kids around?
I view the time after my kids leave as my time, and I look forward to it. I love my kids and all that jazz…but this world is a big wide place and I am readying my boots and my backpack.
So I know I just need to let it go but I’m seeing again and again people post about an acceptance this week and go “oh well, I’m already enrolled in X school, just happy to see I got in”. Then why didn’t you pull your application? You just wanted to brag about getting in?
It is maddening. Truly. You enrolled, so your other applications should be pulled.
Yesterday my husband actually flipped Cal Poly the bird (to his phone) with their crappy website and tardy one line rejection. . We are losing it over here friends. Looking forward to the finish line though we are far from there.
This is such a great outlook, and helpful advice. I have a D23, so have a few more years until we are empty-nesters, but I already know I will feel lost once she leaves for college. My problem is that I’m not sure what I even love to do for myself anymore, something that I can look forward to immersing myself in. Which is crazy and sad to me, I never thought I’d become that mom! Luckily I have two more years to figure it out but your reminder is very helpful.
@momandslp Congrats to your D on her scholarship! I applied to Vanderbilt’s master’s SLP program years ago, it was an amazing program even back then. And Nashville is a great city to be able to go visit your D! Hugs to you though - the “loss” and empty-nest feeling is really tough.
You don’t have to know what that is right now - take some time over the next couple of years and experiment when you have some time. Do a new exercise, read up on something you might be curious about, try your hand at something you’ve never done before. Or do all that after she leaves for college. There are so many things to do and see and experience in this world (and you don’t necessarily have to travel). Nothing is too small or too big.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Pre-Covid I was really looking forward to traveling once both children were “launched.” Now I am not as enthusiastic, but that might change. Also I just had to put my mother in assisted living and am managing her house, finances, etc., and my husband can’t take time off to travel much because he is overloaded at work. Still, I can take short trips to visit both kids (Nashville and Boston maybe) and I have friends in lots of great places (a good friend is in Colorado, for example, and I’ve never been). It’s more the mental adjustment I have to do to carve out a different life for myself. But I know I will!
@flyaways2 As you might be able to tell by my username, I am also an SLP (Temple U, 1997). I am so proud of D17 and also of her long-term bf, who is starting his PhD in Biomed Engineering at Hopkins. Who knows? - it might soon be time for me to start taking a few clients again. We will see!! Good luck to both of you.
That was an interesting article, but I wonder why they didn’t talk about debt, or single income families. Women without debt may have the freedom to chose any specialty and work part time, but that’s only about 20% of medical school graduates. Options are also only open for those who don’t have a family, or those whose spouse has a well-paid job. Plus, in many medical specialties, you can’t even cover your malpractice insurance and overhead unless you work full time.
Another issue I’ve seen is that while in medical school and residency, it is difficult to carve out the time to meet people, date, find the right person, and know them well enough for marriage. There are opportunity costs to such rigorous and all consuming training.
Of course, those who feel that no other profession will be as fulfilling as being a physician should go for it, but I completely understand when people chose other medical fields which definitely do have quality of life advantages.
