Parents, please help?

Parents Forum
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<p>I would like to post here to get help from parents. </p>

<p>I am accepted to a summer program I really like. Can I turn down the summer program I already committed to? The program I need to turn down is Governor's School. There is no money involved, but my school chose me as one of the applicants. I signed the commitment paper too. The program I just got in, I love it very much and I am thrilled to have this opportunity. The problem is my counselor and the science department chair will be mad at me. Will this affect my counselor’s recommendation letters for me for colleges? </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

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<p>Can you ask the summer program you really like if they can defer your acceptance & let you go there NEXT summer? We tell our kids to honor their commitments and once they commit, they do follow through or it makes them look unreliable and reflects badly on them and everyone who supported them.</p>

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<p>I love the idea of asking for a deferral (for EITHER program), if that makes sense. Because Governor’s School is also an awesome program, and even though you want the other, it would be nice to have both.</p>

<p>I’d talk to your counselor and see if there is a procedure for withdrawal (not likely, if there is an actual commitment letter). Are you sure your counselor and science chair will be mad at you? My son applied for an awesome scholarship (that he didn’t get) to a school that was not his first choice. The teacher who had to go through a whole lot of hassle to sponsor him knew it wasn’t his first-choice school, but was happy to help anyway. In addition to the morals and ethics of honoring commitments, you need to be concerned that if will upset your teachers and counselors when you need them to write awesome recs for college.</p>

<p>I agree that honoring your commitments is extremely important. However, I think this one isn’t the same type of commitment. If you say you will get something done, and people expect you to do it and depend on you to do it, it is very important to follow through. On the other hand, Governor’s School doesn’t really care if you go, and indeed, your cancelling out may free up a spot for a waitlisted person.</p>

<p>So my recommendation is to see how the counselor and teacher would feel about it, and if there is a procedure for withdrawal, and if there is the ability for deferral at either school.</p>

<p>Congratulations, and good luck! Even if you end up attending GS, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.</p>

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<p>Can your school send someone else instead?</p>

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<p>No, my school can not send someone else. I know there is a waiting list. Last year, someone withdrew and had no problem with GS staff. My concern is if I will upset my counselor because I need him to write awesome recommendations for colleges.</p>

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<p>And that, my friend, is a real problem. So, you need to go to the counselor with an open mind. Tell C that you now have a new opportunity that you want to take but you have a letter of commitment elsewhere – and then ask “What is your advice?”</p>

<p>I am sorry, but if the C tells you “A letter of commitment is just that” then you need to hustle back to the desirable program and ask if you could, please, please attend next cycle. </p>

<p>Welcome to adult hood. If you were my kid, I’d have to say “A commitment is a commitment. You don’t get to go to the prom with Super Hunky if you already said “yes” to Sorta Sweet. You be grateful that you are in demand and you go and make the best possible outing with what you agreed to do.” — this sort of experience will make you a bit more cautious about saying “yes” to the first offer that comes along. </p>

<p>You only have so much time. Honor your commitments – and then, afterward, only say “yes” to the things that make your heart sing. </p>

<p>Think what the Counselor can write about you if you do honor your commitment. He/She can write “I have seen this student be offered superior opportunities and she chose to honor her previous commitments. She is honorable to the core of her being and I highly recommend this student.” </p>

<p>Far better than “This kid chases whatever rainbow is in front of her face at the moment”
Tread carefully here. Your reputation is at stake.</p>

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<p>I think the best thing you can do is be honest: I appreciate this opportunity you gave me and I feel honored to be chosen. However, this other opportunity came along and I really feel like I should take it and I hope you understand. </p>

<p>I don’t think doing a summer program you don’t want to do in order to avoid the potential disappointment of your counselor or teacher demonstrates much about your honor or character. This is high school. It’s a summer program. I don’t think the stakes are quite that high, so let’s not over-dramatize. You’re not going to be forever branded as a flip-flopper. </p>

<p>So if you really want to do this other program, just do what any adult would do when presented with an unlooked for opportunity. Thank the counselor and teacher very much for their support, tell them how honored you were to be chosen for Governor’s School. Then explain that you were also chosen for another program, explain why you think this other program is an even better opportunity for you personally, even though both programs are great. And tell them your decision. </p>

<p>As educators, their first priority should be to make sure you are exposed to the best opportunities possible to grow as a person. Not that you do the program they want you to do. They may be a little disappointed at first, but I doubt they’ll be so worked up about it that they’ll plan a big revenge against you in recommendations. I’m sorry but they’re adults with their own lives and the action of one teenager (out of the hundreds that pass through their doors in a career) about one summer program should not derail them too much.</p>

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<p>Perhaps a metaphor will help. You’re going to the HS Senior Prom with an absolutely fabulous date. All the dress and flowers and tickets are bought. But the Saturday before the prom your date calls to say “Someone even hotter than you asked me at the last minute. I know I committed to go with you, but I really REALLY like this person. So I’m not going with you next Saturday. Sorry. No hard feelings?”</p>

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<p>^
That metaphor just actually happened to my son. At least she didn’t tell him it was someone hotter. The excuse was she had another commitment that she forgot about. I think I am sadder than my son that he won’t be going to his senior prom.</p>

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<p>Sorry for the prom story ^^^ At our h.s., kids don’t all have dates for prom.</p>

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<p>Sorry KnitKnee … I was hoping to touch a nerve with my metaphor, but not yours.</p>

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<p>The analogy would work better if the kid had a waitlist of equally fabulous prospective dates who would be happy to attend at the last minute. LOL!</p>

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<p>I disagree with Smithie! Sorry, but it is in small actions that great character or great faults are revealed. </p>

<p>Clearly the Governor’s program is a serious undertaking – otherwise there would be no “letter of commitment.”</p>

<p>At what age does one learn to be honorable? To this day I recall when my brother got a haircut, failed to pay the barber and skipped next door to the mini mart to buy a candy bar. When my mother realized that the candy bar came from the money intended for the barber, she made him march back into the barber’s and pay up and apologize profusely. He had tears and chocolate streaming down his face – he was six years old at the time. I do not recall him taking obligations lightly, ever, after that. </p>

<p>It is totally fine to negotiate so that conflicting obligations can mesh – but if there is no wiggle room in the calendar, then one must go with the first “yes.” (I will make an exception for a social occasion to be cancelled if one gets the call that a needed organ is available . . . but nothing less!).</p>

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<p>Yes, the kid had a waitlist of equally fabulous prospective dates who would be happy to attend at the last minute.</p>

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<p>When D1 applied to Governor School dance program, they asked her at the interview if she would attend if admitted (her resume said she had attended other summer intensives). She said yes and stopped auditioning for other programs after being admitted. </p>

<p>GS is a very prestigious program. It is funded by each state for its top students, and only for juniors. Each school only recommends one or two students to apply. The program admits 15-20 kids from the whole state for each area of interest (environmental, art, music, science).</p>

<p>For what it is worth, D1 really enjoyed her experience. D2 is going to attend something similar at our home state. I don’t know what the other program is, but I wouldn’t pass this up lightly.</p>

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<p>I don’t know much about this school, but I think it might be a mistake to be too black and white about this. Talk to a trusted adult, preferably the counselor or science dept. chair, and you could also have a parent talk to the Governor’s School to see how binding the commitment is, does it hurt anyone if you change your mind, you want to be honorable, etc.</p>

<p>When you talk to those folks about your dilemma, you can say that you are an honorable person and want to honor commitments as best you can, especially if not honoring the commitment hurts anyone, but at the same time you really really want to go to this other program, that you already know. Say you don’t know what to do, and want to do the right thing, and ask their advice.</p>

<p>Did you know about this other program (the one you want) before making the commitment? Did you think you might get in? Do you remember having any qualms about making the commitment? Did you play the system, or were you being honest and honorable? It sounds as if you were, but just asking…</p>

<p>Also, how much of a role is nervousness playing in this dilemma? Do you feel safer going to a program you already know? Are you afraid of trying something new, or something further away?</p>

<p>First and foremost, make sure you really, really do want this other program rather than the Governor’s program. From what others are saying, the Gov.'s program sounds great, and sound like an honor. So maybe you should consider doing it, and the other program another time.</p>

<p>But if you are sure you want the other program, then, as I said, don’t make this a morally rigid matter than you have to decide on your own. Give yourself a break, be honorable, but have the courage to talk with those two adults, and maybe there is some leeway that will let you feel okay about changing, maybe not. At least you will know for sure.</p>

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<p>Not sure what state you live, but in our state it is made very clear that if you accept a governor school position, you will attend. You have to sign a letter of commitment as well and we do not take that likely. My son’s counselor and all paperwork made this very clear! Unless the letter of commitment gives you a way out, then I feel you should fulfill your original commitment. When my son was chosen to apply, he decided not to as he was unwilling to commit to something so far in advance. Your word does mean something.</p>

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<p>Yes, Governor’s School is an honor and a commitment is made to attend. If you withdrawal I would not count on your GC going that extra mile for you in admissions. Will your GC give you a bad LOR? Doubtful, however it isn’t going to be glowing of a person that has that ‘it’ factor…a student that they admire and respect as an honest person that you can count on. If you find yourself in a waitlist situation (as many, many students do this time of year) getting your GC to make a phone call on your behalf to sing your merits and give their absolute vote of confidence, sometimes over another student also waitlisted, would be something I wouldn’t count on. Remember, your GC probably had to speak to your character in recommending you for Governor’s School. You are basically telling them they were wrong to select you, which is a potential embarrassment for them with the program.</p>

<p>You are in a difficult position, no doubt. You made a commitment however, thus the letter is called ‘letter of commitment’. It doesn’t say ‘I commit based on all the information I have available now’. I would agree with others and contact the new opportunity and see if you can defer until next season. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>My son’s hs wanted to nominate him for one of the Governor’s Schools in our state. However, the application clearly stated that if selected, he was committed to attend. S was interested in applying for the TASP (Telluride Summer Programs), which doesn’t announce its decisions until long after the Governor’s School application deadline has passed. He decided not to apply for the Governor’s Schools Program, and the school nominated another kid instead (who did end up going). S was interviewed for the TASP, but wasn’t selected. He ended up getting a job for the summer.</p>

<p>If your state’s Governor’s School Program works the same way, I think you have promised to attend by the very act of applying. Pulling out now just because you’ve found something else-- which you shouldn’t have been pursuing in the first place–isn’t just irritating to your GC but unfair to kids who may have taken the “fine print” more seriously.</p>

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<p>I agree with most of what’s been said above. But your GC won’t know that you sucked it up and honored your commitment even though you found something else you wanted, unless you TELL them. I would go have a nice friendly chat, let them know you also got accepted into another program, but that you’re honoring your commitment. It can only help them have an even better opinion of you, and be able to express that in letters of recommendation in the future.</p>