My husband definitely has boarding school syndrome. He describes as a severe condition to tell jokes that are 25 jokes old, chat with 5-10 classmates at a month, have an alum make his suits, have an alum read him in the news, have an alum teach his child, have an alum hit him up for charitable donations to the thriving charities they work with, name cocktails after library carrels, use his BS dorm variation as passwords, cry when Covid stopped his reunion, cry when an alum died, cry when a teacher died.
College in the Ivy League involved a lot of Punky Brewster martini hour but BS was the work. He is 100% boarding school. It is definitely a syndrome.
Thank you for your reply. You depiction of that you tube video is not factually correct. To clarify as per my previous response, Taylor Cruz on the You Tube video said he cried and begged her parents on the way to Peddie to go home, her parents sent her to a councillor weekly to try normalize the homesickness and sadness she felt. In the first week a councillor told her parents she most likely wouldn’t settle but still they left her there. And when they did bring her home she said it was “awkward” and her parents were “disappointed” in her for leaving.
This is one of the examples you requested of were a child did not want to go, Scarlett Bowman is another. If you really want more examples I can give them to you?
For someone who allegedly wrote a thesis on the topic of damage done by boarding schools, it is remarkable that you have yet to provide a single reputable, scholarly, source to support a single point you are making, despite being asked to do so, now five times, by me.
I think the main problem with your question on THIS forum is that the vast majority of people here do not have kids who are reluctant to go to boarding school. THOSE parents who could answer you are not here, we cannot answer your question or have a debate because we feel as strongly that you are wrong as you do that we are wrong. See how that works? You are not getting an answer to your question because you are on the wrong forum if you are looking for people to bash boarding schools with you. If you would take the time to read you would even find some stories on here where schools didn’t work out for a variety of reasons., I have yet to read one where it didn’t work because a kid was forced to go. You basically accuse all of us who send our kids to boarding school of being idiots and not loving our kids, how do you expect us to respond?
I explained that already, there is simply too many articles to publish. I gave you the narrative “Boarding School Syndrome” which when googled returns 545k pages many of which are published papers and first hand survivor stories. You dismiss this. Further to that I have a preference for the voice of the children involved, the direct videos that they themselves post on you tube, the comments they post in forums and the statements they make to national news papers as per NYT example I gave you but you flatly dismiss this which is clear evidence that you have no interest in listening to the voice of those children.
Aside from the children who suggest BS to their parents themselves and who demand to go, the rest of them, probably like many of the antagonists on here, it was the parents who wanted the child to go, self interest, putting themselves before their own child appears to me to be the biggest factor in shirking their parental responsibilities and having their child confined to a residential institution in the care of random strangers.
Fine, the having to “tentatively” broach the subject as you confirmed was reason for my assumption. Apologies if I misunderstood but reluctance is the impression I got from that thread.
Yes, reluctance on our part is exactly right! Hence my initial post about being “unsure” about boarding school and looking for advice. I do appreciate that you have taken the time to share your concerns and I’m glad we figured out the disconnect in our conversation!
" I have yet to read one where it didn’t work because a kid was forced to go. "
I just gave you an example and you persist in denying it, Taylor Cruz. Then you have the other example Scarlet Bowman, it clearly wasn’t working for that child, and her mother stated her position in a national newspaper, she knew she was unhappy but was leaving here there.
Except for the extremely wealthy, most families make quite a bit of sacrifice to send their children to BS.
What are some boarding schools you are familiar with? I would never in a million years describe the schools discussed on this forum as institutional, nor the kids as confined.
For every one off example you give, I can give you more from public/day schools. our LPS didn’t work for us. Does that mean I should condemn the system entirely?
Even for the strongest students BS can be hard, challenging, require effort in the classroom AND they offer support to overcome that. Most of the kids I know did not feel settled in until fall break even though socially they were very happy. Eventually they go off to college and hit the ground running while everyone around them is struggling to catch their breath.
Not every school is right for every student, which is why there is such a strong emphasis on fit over name if you bother to scroll through these forums. Unfortunately sometimes even parents (and kids) with the best intentions get that wrong. That is why sometimes a student will leave or switch schools.
Do you feel the same about summer camp? Parents send “reluctant kids” all the time and tell them to stick it out. Much, much more often than BS.
And yes, this is rare but it can happen - and most of the time it is the best solution. We know a family who first looked into BS because they didn’t want her to have to watch her father dying and allow her some space to be a normal teen and she is thriving.
What are some boarding schools you are familiar with? I would never in a million years describe the schools discussed on this forum as institutional, nor the kids as confined.
If they are not confined, Can you list me the BS were kids are free to leave in the evening, hang out with their friends, drop into the mall after school, go see mom any evening they want or call into a friend that lives close by? Go see Grandma on a Saturday morning? Even one BS will do?
Minus the going to the mall, every boarding school I’m familiar with allows kids to do this. Groton, Andover, CA, MX, Milton, on and on.
You clearly have zero/limited experience with US boarding schools - this is especially apparent in your continual focus of kids not being allowed to “call” their families. This is a bizzare assertion on your part and I don’t know where it comes from. Every. Single. Kid I know at both schools my kids went to have cell phones and are free to text or FaceTime their family and friends ANY time. Literally any time.
At my son’s school (and my daughter’s) kids simply fill out a deans form and can go see parents/friends any time.
P.S.
I’m pretty defensive because you are really wrong in your assumptions and assertions. You are talking a lot about something you clearly don’t know much about - this is clear in the details and language you use. You may be familiar with UK schools, not the same, not the same rules. BUT my kids were both day students so they lived at home.
Kindergartener is a couple of hours a day, parents collect their child, bring them home, do homework, feed them, love them and put tuck them into their own bed. There is no comparison to confinement to a residential institution.
“What are some boarding schools you are familiar with? I would never in a million years describe the schools discussed on this forum as institutional, nor the kids as confined”
I’m guessing you have no examples of those boarding schools you claim exist?
Please see my list above. Oh and add St Marks and St George’s, oh and Tabor, oops plus Brooks. All are schools that I have personal CURRENT knowledge of, knowing families whose kids attend or teachers currently at the school.
Considering day students choose to go back to school on weekends to hang out with all there friends, I think the boarders have that covered. Which, btw, since there are a lot of fun activities going on, they are much less likely to be board and drinking on the weekends. Even so, there are plenty of parties and boarders sign out and go to them, have sleep overs etc.
My day student DD will pick up her friends on weekends, they go to target, to town, to the movies… do they have a curfew? Sure! But my kids living at home do to.
Kids who are local enough have “lunch with grandma” all the time. Some kids leave and go to club practices several times a week.
Again… I don’t know what schools you are talking about but confined is not a word I would use.
And btw, I know plenty of kids (mine included) who have a much more balanced life in BS since they don’t have to spend their entire evenings and weekends chasing after sports and other extra curriculars.
That’s limited to schools that don’t have Saturday classes.
Just one? OK. Andover. With the caveat that you have to tell them where you’re going and that you need to return by a certain time. Which, BTW, kids living at home are also usually required to do.
AGAIN, YOU ARE ASKING US ON THIS BOARD AND WE ARE NOT THE PARENTS FORCING RELUCTANT KIDS INTO BOARDING SCHOOLS. I WAS REFERRING TO THIS BOARD WHEN I SAID THAT QUOTE YOU TOOK UT OF CONTEXT. AND I AM SHOUTING BECAUSE YOU ARE APPARENTLY TOO DENSE TO COMPREHEND NORMAL DISCUSSION AND ARE ONLY HERE TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE.
I can pick my son up any time he wants - He just needs to fill out the system and I approve so the school has documentation of where he is and that responsibility for him has been transferred to me for that time. I can go to the school, take him to dinner, take him back…no issue. Your point that international families are not close enough to do that due to logistics is valid but the school does not tell us we can’t do it. (And my son’s roommate is an international student and we take him to dinner too when we take our son)
OP - This is a board of very engaged parents. No one here is sending a reluctant child to boarding school. If you are looking to do “research,” you’ve come to the wrong place.
I’ll add that it isn’t “child abuse” if your kid is homesick for a bit when they are adapting to a new experience. Kids all over the country go to sleep away camp and there are definitely growing pains there but healthy separation from ones parents is a necessary life skill. Most adults know that the initial discomfort is worth the growth and fun that happens.
Will there be an occasional exception where a kid is traumatized by going away? Sure. But there is plenty of trauma and real abuse happening in peoples homes too.