Was attempting to agree with you?
That is all I said. Make sure you understand why your 17 year old wants to go to a certain college and make sure he/she understands the implications of it. The thread asked the question – do you regret? My point is, make sure you (or your child) do not end up regretting that choice.
Sorry to hear about your dad’s about-face. My parents could not afford to pay a dime for my college. It was all up to me. So, maybe I am cut from a different cloth?
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You’re not the only one here who had to pay their own way through college, and I do think such an experience factors into one’s thinking on how to approach college decisions for one’s child. But I also think it does not factor in the same way for all of us, it’s one factor out of many from all our life experiences.
Finding a college to prepare you for a job has an ROI, for sure. But when we looked for my daughter (current freshman), we were also looking for student and institutional characteristics that we felt were a good fit for what my daughter needed for broad development as she takes her next steps in adulthood. She has not had to be as independent as I already had to be by the time I went off to college. (And based on my life experiences, that is a good thing! My adult life started out kind of rough.) Ultimately this kind of consideration has to be quantifiable in money terms, of course, but it’s not really a simple ROI calculation.
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Way to go with the ROTH Iras! My three kids are 17, 15, and 13. 13 year old has a little sports officiating job, but has spent everything he made and then some, about $200 on Roblox stuff. Older two boys are about to start working regular jobs this summer. Or, that’s the plan. I love starting early for young people!
I would like to give my kids things. We have three. First phone, maybe first beater car, a basic college education and a chunk towards a real estate down payment or, if they are interested, starter money for something entrepreneurial. Third kid is very interested in military service, so he might get a heck of a house fund from us in lieu of the college funds. Hard to know. Since my kiddos are not academically gifted, and much more average kids, the idea of dream schools is much less of a factor.
I am more likely to stretch for a school for a kid if it feels right, but it really depends on the school and what that fit looks like. If I feel like they will finish school and be more motivated by a certain style of school, I would stretch to give the kid a better shot at making it through.
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Both of my parents had to attend college, with scholarships, as commuters for financial reasons. In my dad’s case, being unable to afford travel to and from the Ivy where he had a full scholarship forced his decision.
Neither felt particularly bad about it – both got advanced degrees from the same institution – but both felt that the biggest gift they could give their own children was the option to attend any school they liked at any cost. There were a few geographic restrictions because of a concern about travel costs but that was it. While they were of the scrimping and saving ilk, this was something they saved for and were willing to spend freely.
Of course, both they and we attended college at a different time. In their case, choosing a local option was common – (my in-laws also were commuters in a different city). In my case, tuition was less. Iow, the stakes were quite different than they are today.
But we loved being allowed to find schools with programs we wanted and a vibe that felt like a fit. I suspect for my parents, they felt like giving us this option made them feel they were no longer poor. For me, I felt like I was giving my child a chance to choose his own destiny to some extent - his own young adult experience.
I’ll amend my post upthread to say it’s not simply about finances but also about what you feel the experience represents.
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I acknowledge that I was very fortunate that my family ended up paying for my college education (though with scholarship money my OOS flagship was around the sticker price of our in-state flagship). Regardless, it was a gift and I acknowledge that privilege. My spouse had to pay for all of undergrad without any family assistance. I will admit that my spouse has less concern about the right fit for our child and needing to pay more money because of it (though my spouse is not opposed to doing so).
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The most important thing is knowing your kid as much as you can and dealing with the financial situation you are in.
A couple of days ago we learned about a scuba instructor/guide who was a Civil Engineering grad and opted never to work as an engineer post graduation, but just live in the islands and handle tourists. I wondered why he went to college. Did his parents force it? Did he change his mind afterward? Were loans or financial sacrifice involved? Did he still have contact with his parents? The person telling us didn’t know. The man in question has drifted on to another island so I can’t ask him in person - assuming he was open to share which one never knows, of course.
We insisted our kids go to college. Two are using their degrees (one directly, the other in route to becoming a doctor). The third isn’t, but education gained (academic and “other”) is never lost so we have no regrets - nor does he.
Inheritance-wise, we’ve always opted to spend to enjoy the journey with our kids. They know they are unlikely to get a large inheritance, and if we guessed wrong about how much we’d need, they may have to kick in to help us. All three have said no problem to that and they’re incredibly glad we chose what we did - and are still choosing that to this day. There’s no reason anyone has to inherit a million dollars or even half that IMO.
I’ll add my voice to those who have wished their parents enjoyed more of theirs along the way.
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@Creekland , I am married to someone who has an engineering degree who never had a career in the field either. As it happened, he graduated during an economic downturn when there simply weren’t many openings for civil engineers so he pivoted to something else. He might have chosen scuba guide had that option been available!
He enjoyed the study of engineering, the friends he made, and especially, higher level math and literature (!!) electives.
He remains a logical and practical thinker, confident in his numeracy, and believes in his ability to learn new things, even if they are hard. I realize this is anathema to many here, but he remains a firm believer that education can make a mind a more interesting place to be.
While engineering is more practical and useful for a livelihood, it can still fill a life of the mind role.
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You might like to read “My Life With Eleanor” by Noelle Hancock. The set up of her memoir is that she got into Yale (can’t remember if she had a scholarship or not) graduated, and had a job in NYC (not in engineering, she worked as a writer/blogger). She got laid off from that and didn’t know what to do. She chanced upon an Eleanor Roosevelt quote about doing one thing you are scared of every day and the short version is she decided to do that and write about it. The long version is the book. Look her up if you are interested in where she ended up. (I won’t post it in case people don’t like spoilers for memoirs, but she’s out there to run a search on.)
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I’m sure this guy is doing what he loves based upon what we heard. I definitely hope he loved his education as well. That would be a win-win!
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We have a kid at a CA public university, and a HS senior who was just admitted to another OOS public university which is her dream school. If our HS senior picks her dream school, our cost for the two of them will be around $80k per year higher than if they attended our home state school, which is both parents’ alma mater. It’s stressful to think about these costs. Has it been worth it so far for our son at the CA school - I would say yes but who knows. Will anyone ever truly know in the end whether it’s worth the additional cost to attend a “dream” school. I would try not to analyze and weigh too much the financial costs v. the benefits of obtaining a degree at a great school and getting one of the best experiences in a person’s lifetime. If you can truly afford it and the kid wants to attend, I would say go for it and don’t look back.
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So if you are judging other people being judgmental, aren’t you one of the people you are “amazed” with? Rhetorical question- just made me scratch my head reading this 
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Isn’t there a difference between observation and judgment?
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It apparently depends on the degree of arrogance displayed by the observer.
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yes, excellent distinction. Observations are neutral whereas judgment typically conveys an opinion. You are entitled to either, but it certainly seems like you were offering the latter. I did not offer an opinion, therefore, most would conclude this was merely an observation of potential hypocrisy.
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I am confident I was being no less neutral than you.
But in any event, back to our regularly scheduled program, Is it worth it. Part 10,348.
So true! (Which is why, in my situation, I might want to keep that $80K for my skilled nursing years 
)
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We tell our teenager that you go where the wallet says you can go. If she gets a great financial aid package from her dream school, we’re happy to send her there…and we’re empty-nesters! Woohoo! Don’t tell my wife of my celebratory attitude.
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gcmom1-You are writing our exact situation right now. It was reassuring to see it spelt out exactly as we are experiencing it too. Best of luck to your family as you make this decision, not easy. I am going back and forth between the more expensive, top program , dream school vs. the minor let down wonderful school at a perfect price point.
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