Penn State personal statement!

Applying to College
1

<p>Can someone please help me review my personal statement for Penn State? Please be brutally harsh.This is only my first draft.</p>

<p>When physically hurt or injured, almost all children immediately run to their mother or father and hope they will examine the injury and tend to it by applying a Band-Aid or kissing it. Whether the injury was an insignificant paper cut or as severe as major bleeding, children and teenagers require the aid of an adult to mend and heal them. This would be the complete opposite of what I did when growing up. I always tried to deal with any injury I sustained by myself and rarely asked for assistance from my parents. I attended to everything from applying hydrogen peroxide to severe cuts to elevating a sprained ankle above the heart and applying a body wrap bandage to it. As a child, I knew I had a gift for “doctoring” myself and anyone else with an injury and immediately established a pursuit of medicine in the future.
In medicine, it is almost given that you should have an acclamation towards being selfless and putting yourself second to the world. Whenever I volunteer at a charity event or do service for the community, I always feel proud and happy that I was able to make a difference for someone other than myself and establish a stronger bond with the people around me. At my first Christmas breakfast event for children with abusive parents at my high school, I helped serve food and punch, and I also donated a couple of toys. One of the boys that received my toys came up to me and gave me a big hug and said “Thank you so much for playing with me and for the new Spiderman toy! This was the best day ever!” Right there I felt an incredible feeling of joy and significance when I made that boy’s day the best day of his life. I love the feeling of making someone appreciate and feel gratitude towards myself. After that event, I made it a goal to help others who don’t have the freedoms and privileges that I do.
Through my passion of both helping others and medicine, I believe I can become successful at Penn State. Penn State is a challenging yet rewarding university which offers a variety of rigorous science and mathematical courses. I believe in challenging myself and I know that Penn State will provide many challenges that will test my abilities and ultimately help me learn and mature as a person. I do not plan on stopping after my education in Penn State. I goal is to use the vast amount of knowledge received and the variety of different experiences from Penn State to pursue medical school and becoming a professionally licensed doctor.</p>

2

<p>If you need any additional info please let me know! :)</p>

3

<p>bump 10 char</p>

4

<p>bump 10 char</p>

5

<p>It’s ok. I’d think you should make one small change. </p>

<p>It’s the word punch in this sentence:
“At my first Christmas breakfast event for children with abusive parents at my high school, I helped serve food and punch…”
Some people might take this as an attempt at a joke. Although abuse isn’t funny, some readers will definitely take notice of the choice of words.</p>

<p>Also, doesn’t this exceed the penn state essay character count.</p>

6

<p>hey thanks. PSU says it has to have a max of 500 words and this is 447.</p>

7

<p>When I did my PSU application the Personal Statement had to be under 1200 Characters.</p>

8

<p>This is what is says on the application im at right now online:</p>

<p>Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.</p>

9

<p>I like how to come out directly and tell who you are. I like your determination, it shows a lot.</p>

<p>The “I love helping people” is a common topic, so you’ll need to stand out. I like the first paragraph. Not so much on the second. It’s sounds cliche.</p>

<p>Talk to your teachers and friends. I think will agree. People in my area told me to write about a specific event so that I could write with vivid detail.</p>