I switched pediatricians several times over the course of my first 3 kids until I found the one I used for 15 years, until he sadly and prematurely passed away. With 5 kids, I have seen plenty of doctors of all types and bedside manners. The one I stuck with was like an absent minded professor, very sweet and non-threatening. When D was 4 and needed her booster for K, I was 8 1/2 months along with #4. D started screaming and kicking when she saw the needle, although she had never been difficult before. I couldn’t calm her. She kicked me in the stomach before the doctor picked her up, sat her in his lap and said, You want to go to K and have fun with your friends, don’t you. She stopped crying and nodded yes. Then he said, well, you wouldn’t want to get your friends sick, would you? My D, always the compassionate soul, said no. At that point, the doctor said, then you need to let me give you this medicine. She said ok, held out her arm and took the shot. When it was done, she actually said “It didn’t hurt that much.” She was mortified when she got older and I told her this story. As to the OP’s point, I thought that I had prepared my D for the visit but when kids are young and frightened, they don’t always behave the way we hope they would. I am certain that one of the other doctors I had used previously would have gotten nasty and shamed my D and I but this doctor just knew how to handle a scared little girl.
I also agree with the poster who said that doctors are not strangers and we should teach our children to trust them, which I did - however, they never went in alone until they were about 15. I used to turn my back when my sons had their hernia tests but I stayed in the room.
Sheesh, no wonder my kiddo is going into surgery, she jokingly says she doesn’t have to deal with awake patients. Of course she will, but you get the jest.
Rule of thumb with children…tell…don’t ask. If you ask…there is the chance the kiddo will say “no”.
Make a statement. “Open your mouth so the doctor can do what he needs to do”.
When you have a sick kid at the doctors office, and they really are afraid of what’s going to happen…do you really think the word “please” is going to make a difference?
One of the things I realized about taking my kids to doctors came to me shortly after the incident I described above. When I was in labor and doing my Lamaze breathing, it did calm me. H and I then taught our kids a modified version of the breathing that we used when they were getting shots or other less pleasant medical procedures. I also never lied to them about getting shots, etc. Once they were 4 or so, I borrowed my doctor’s approach of appealing to their better nature. It didn’t always go the way I wanted but with a good doctor, you are companions in the task of taking care of your child. You know the child and the doctor knows the medicine. Together, you are a team working on behalf of the child. Not all doctors are capable of working as part of a team, just as not all lawyers are able to. If I had realized this earlier, I would have avoided several mismatches in doctor and patient styles.
The funny thing is that, even today, my D, who is in her 20’s, wouldn’t get a flu shot to keep herself from getting sick but she did get one when I explained to her that some of the kids she was teaching may have parents who don’t have health insurance and can’t get the shot so if she got it, she could help protect those kids and their parents…
I agree with tell not ask and please at the end if needed. Open your mouth for the doctor. Thank you after they do it in this example. No please needed.
I agree completely with the “don’t ask” crowd. However, don’t all of you use “please” when you are actually in effect telling an adult to do something? If so, why wouldn’t you also say “please” to a child?
It is just my personal opinion, but I don’t think it is good for a child to respond reflexively with obedience to a person in a position of authority, nor to a medical provider.
In response to lookingforward’s question about what this has to do with pre-meds: I generally want a physician who is exceptionally well educated and exceptionally bright. I give much lower priority to “people skills.” As mentioned elsewhere, when I hear about “people skills,” it makes me wary of being manipulated.
So I posted the situation in my first post, to acknowledge the value of “people skills” in some circumstances. It should be read as a partial concession to the group who think people skills are paramount and the difficulty of getting into medical school ensures a bar for education and intellect that is high enough. I do not share that view.
thumper1 asked whether I really thought “please” would make a difference, if I had a sick and frightened child at the doctor’s office. Yes, I do, because saying “please” would make the difference between, “Mom’s acting normal,” and “Mom’s acting weird,” for my family.
"Please open your mouth so that I can swab your throat, to see what you have." Or that a physician cannot say, "Please get up on the table," rather than just "Get up on the table"?
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Totally fine. It’s still not asking a guestion. I would think it would be strange if a healthcare professional didn’t often begin with “please” or some other sort of softened order, “hey, let’s get this shoe off so we can see where you’re hurting.”
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Rule of thumb with children....tell...don't ask. If you ask...there is the chance the kiddo will say "no".
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Make a statement. “Open your mouth so the doctor can do what he needs to do”.
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Totally agree.
“Time to get into your car seat.” Whether a please or not is added, doesn’t matter. It’s not a question where the child has the option to decline and use just a seat belt instead.
And to be clear, my statement upthread was in regards to a situation where a child (and not a horribly sick or frightened one) was refusing to open his mouth for his doctor, presumably AFTER the doctor had said something like, “Ok, time to open your mouth so we can find out what’s wrong and help you get better.” No one is saying that a doctor should just coldly and abruptly approach a child and say, “open your (@#$%) mouth.”
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I agree completely with the “don’t ask” crowd. However, don’t all of you use “please” when you are actually in effect telling an adult to do something? If so, why wouldn’t you also say “please” to a child?
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And, likely we do much/most of the time. “Please go upstairs and clean up your room.” “Please take out the trash.” “Please mow the lawn this morning.”
But, again, not done in a way that suggests it’s optional and that the child can decline. It’s not like we’re asking, “do you want a piece of cake?”
To follow the slight tangent, I do say please and thank you to my children when I ask them to do something, even a chore like taking out the garbage or feeding the dogs. My reasoning is that in the adult world, these niceties are expected and if I don’t model it for them, who else will and how else will they learn it. However, at the doctor’s office, there is an expectation of compliance though I do say thank you for good behavior.
I am a language development specialist. Sometimes less is more. When I work with parents, I strongly suggest that they leave filler words OUT when they really want to convey a message quickly.
Please…is a polite way to speak… but really…it’s a filler word that does not add to the meaning of most sentences…other than to indicate that you’ve been taught good manners.
In the doctors office…I would say…the essential words are what should be said. “Open your mouth” has the same meaning as “please open your mouth”.
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I am a language development specialist. Sometimes less is more
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Right.
I’m guessing that Thumper may be including the fact that when too much is said, either the recipient has “tuned out” or misses the main part of the message.
Re: testing future doctors for communications and other people skills-
AMCAS (and ERAS) now require applicants for certain residencies (currently just emergency medicine, but with the potential to expand to other specialties as soon as next year) to submit a standardized video as part of the application process. The purpose is to “assess knowledge of professional behaviors (professionalism) and interpersonal and communication skills”
Additionally a number of medical school don't hold traditional interviews any more, but use a multiple mini-interview format to test "soft skills" of applicants
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_mini_interview">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_mini_interview</a>
Or med school use CASPer to screen applicants--
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he CASPer test is an online screening tool designed to more evaluate key personal and professional characteristics that make for successful students and graduates.
Traditional evaluations of personal characteristics (e.g. standard interviews, reference letters, and personal essays) have shown to be ineffective in discerning good applicants. CASPer increases fairness in applicant evaluation by providing admissions and selection committees with a reliable measure of traits like professionalism, ethics, communication, and empathy.
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<a href="https://takecasper.com/aboutcasper/">https://takecasper.com/aboutcasper/</a>
You don’t care about people skills, but want a “please” inserted? Hmm.
I look for please and thank you as appropriate. Not in every request. Can you imagine, please open your mouth, please lean left, please raise your right arm, please lower it, please raise your left arm, ad infinitum?
@WayOutWestMom I would guess that those soft skill tests are mostly a sham, like most of the regulatory burden heaped on doctors nowadays such as board re-certification. My point is this question: how many American medical school graduates will fail to match in a residency due to a judged lack of “soft skills.” The approximate answer is zero.
I care far more about having a physician being highly competent than their people skills. I understand their time is valuable and shouldn’t be wasted trying to give a medical explanation to a kid, which won’t be understood anyway and will likely just lead to more questions.
It’s not that I don’t care about people skills, it’s that I prioritize the highest-level knowledge and operational skill (not communication) in a physician. Also, I am not a physician. I care about my saying “Please” to people, including children. I don’t regard it as an empty filler. I do prefer for people to say “Please” to me. I can get along with abrupt people in real life, though, especially if they have other qualities that override that.
Someone earlier posted a comment about a physician who took a child who was refusing a vaccination on his lap, asked about her wishes to go to kindergarten and not to make other children sick, and then got her to agree to the shot. I think this is great. But it seems to me that there is a blurry line between showing empathy and having “people skills.” I don’t regard empathy as a skill.
lol, lookingforward #53, yes I agree that there is not a need for please ahead of every request by a physician that comes within 30 seconds of an earlier one. I’d grant an implicit “Please” in that case. But if the exam has ended and the physician is asking me to take paperwork to the front desk, that’s a separate category of request, and at that point, I would not mind another “Please” at all.
Let’s think for a moment about kids’ histories with pediatricians (or other doctors for that matter):
(1) They were sick and got poked and prodded and possibly given a shot that hurt
OR
(2) They went for a well visit and probably given a shot that hurt.
Most children do not have a chronic medical condition that warrants continuous periodic visits to a doctor for monitoring. As a result, it is no wonder that they associate negative experiences with their doctor. And, I do have a kid with a chronic medical condition that goes to a doctor every three months, and even she hates going to the general pediatrician.
And we wonder why they are scared and uncooperative when their only experiences have been negative?
As for the vet mentioned upwards in post #28 or so … wow. This is a person who needs another vocation. I would never in a million years take my pets to a vet or groomer who didn’t know how to deal with animals. I have had five dogs and one cat in my life, and not one of them ever seemed content to be at the vet.
In a nutshell, if you don’t like dealing with disagreeable patients - kids, teens, elderly - then perhaps medicine is not the vocation for you. And if you don’t like dealing with pets that aren’t “perfect”, then perhaps veterinary is not the vocation for you. There are many, many, many careers in life that do not involve contact with people and/or animals. Chose one.
The question this thread addresses is whether or not medical personnel need people skills - and how important they are. IMO, if you are in any profession that mandates contact with the public - whether that is medicine, education, hospitality, or whatever - then, yes, people skills are vital.