People's success at life

Parents Forum
1

Hi everyone,

Philosophical discussion here.

When I went to high school, and then to a lesser extend college, I always heard how important it was to focus on school and doing well to be successful at life. (Balance was always emphasized as well with extra curricularal activities.) Indeed, I heard that message pretty consistently throughout my schooling years. I took the advice serious and focused on schooling.

Out of school, I worked hard to get a career position as soon as I could and settle down into a routine, which I think I did at a young age compared to my peers.

But today (at age 37), it seems like we’re all grown up. I’ve stabilized in my career, and it seems like most of my high school classmates and college classmates have found their way in being successful at life. It seems like most of my classmates have healthy families, own houses, and have interesting jobs, regardless of how well they did in high school or college and regardless of the ratio of the time they spent partying versus studying.

I’m a little surprised by this - it was definitely not what I expected. I’m wondering if perhaps I’m looking at the world through rose colored glasses and there is “the rest of the story” that I’m not seeing? I don’t have a lot of personal relationships with my high school and college classmates and definitely not part of the gossip circle. My interaction is primary Facebook which of course everyone strives hard to make their life look good.

What is your experience from your high school and college classmates? Do you find that most people seemed to be successful in life? Or do you find there is a big difference between those that focused on education versus those that didn’t make education as much of a priority?

2

I bet you grew up in an upper middle class community where families had resources to offset any academic deficits. Unlike in countries where opportunities are spread more evenly, the US has a caste system that keeps those with money in nice position while those without struggle if they are not outstanding.

Someday maybe the US can adopt a system more like…India. :slight_smile:

3

Interesting post. You already identified one potential piece of “the rest of the story.” By being one of the students who trusted the adults around you and the messge regarding the importance of education for success in life, you were able to benefit by “getting a career position as soon as I could and settle down into a routine, which I think I did at a young age compared to my peers.” Where you are today compared to many of your less studious and ambitious peers may have evened out, but the road to get there may not have been as smooth. It just goes to show that predictive factors of life outcomes are not perfect. A good education predicts success, but doesn’t guarantee it, and engaging in other potentially destructive behaviors does not always predict failure.

When I announced to my father that I was getting married at 20 between my sophomore and junior year in college he got furious with me, told me it would ruin my life, that I would get pregnant and never finish college, that we weren’t prepared to support ourselves, and that the marriage would never last. Well, both my husband and I have advanced degrees, have had interesting careers, did not have a child until our mid-thirties, and are still married after almost 35 years.

The variables to success are many, so you do your best to stack them in your favor. Some make a mess of things and still do well, and sadly some seem to do all the right things and fail. Most of us do the best we can and do okay.

4

I’m in my mid-20s.

As a gross overgeneralization:
-My friends from the low income community I grew up in have pretty much been stuck where they grew up. Very few went on to get degrees (no state aid in this state and our tuition is among the highest in the nation) and they weren’t able to follow their parents’ path into factories because the jobs don’t exist.

-My friends from the upper income community I moved to just before high school are doing fine. Most of them were still able to go to college even though the market crashed right before we graduated (graduated in 09). Even my poor friends are doing fine in part because it was a superb school district.

5

I am 49.

I grew up in a working-class city that was slowly declining and has since declined even more…
I’m friends with some of my high school /college friends on FB…

My observations:
Those who stayed in my home town and did not go to any college, are pretty much at the same low-income level as they grew up in; i.e., “working poor”. Two paychecks away from being on the street, basically, or living on debt.

Those of us who went to college - even just two years of community college with a AA in Accounting, for instance… we moved out of the “working class” to be middle class or higher.

Everyone I went to undergrad with has done seemingly well for themselves - good, stable jobs, decent to great pay, owns their own house.

I think the two best success stories are: one friend who majored in General Studies in UG - floundered around for a while after UG at low-paying data-entry/customer service type jobs, then decided to go back to school to be a Physician’s Assistant. He got a job at a dermatology clinic in prestigious college’s town, met a professor there, and they currently live there now and have a very nice income and lifestyle.

The other one majored in Photography, and did not graduate. Dropped out before his senior year. He worked a series of jobs for non-profits, then, through a friend, got a job as a front-desk receptionist at a mortgage company. They trained him to be a loan officer. He is now a senior loan officer at another mortgage company. Makes pretty decent income, still not married, no kids, so that helps.

I think, with enough drive and determination, many are able to make up for “lost time” in their youth…
It was a factor that both friends came from upper-income families, whose parents were both college-educated, and they graduated with no debt, so they likely had some family support, if not financial, then in the way of advice and better networking…

6

Your moniker says something about you- money…

Define success. Material wealth? Family? Enjoying career? Being in a position of power/in charge at work? Kids? Intellectually satisfied? Degrees beyond a BA/BS? Being healthy and happy?The ones who never read to their kids et al.

Please- do NOT compare opportunities to those in India! H is from there and here there are far fewer barriers than there for the impoverished. In my decades of adult life I have noticed a few things. Sometimes I think the below average do get stuck where they are because they are below average in intelligence (remember half the population is above and below the mean). I see people who, despite community opportunities, do not always take advantage of them for learning and so forth.

Looking back at my generation. A college friend was a NM scholar who never married and seems happy working with computers after “only” a masters. Other friends got a PhD or MD. Then there are those who got a BS and made tons of money. There are those who are wealthy with children. Looking at my medical school class there are some who would be considered more successful than others.

Expectations among family and peer group can determine the definition of success and desire to do more.

7

I grew up in an affluent community and “we” are all over the place in terms of financial where-with-all at our age but we’ve all found a life, found life-partners, raised kids and are just fine and are all still friends. The spectrum of affluence going into adulthood had very little to do with the outcome in terms of financial where-withal now. Frankly some the ivy kids are less affluent than the non-ivy kids for a myriad of reasons…which probably has shaped my feelings about being simple in your college search - find a place where you’ll thrive. But it is also a clear indicator to me that affluence has little to do with “quality” of life. It’s fun to have more money simply because you can buy more toys and things, but it doesn’t necessarily impact your contentment quotient in the long run.

8

Success in life, as far as I’m concerned, means getting through it all without being a fool or a jerk.

Many people are financially successful even though they are not the last of the great intellectuals. Work ethic, focus, and personality matter a lot.

9

It disappoints me that the original post does not mention words concerned with happiness. When I was a teen in the 70s, it seemed that every adult I knew was either miserable or shallow. My dad was successful but very unhappy. My folks divorced. They were not unusual. I looked very skeptically at financial “success.” What I have learned as an adult myself is that, while debt can make you miserable, having a lot of money does not make everyone happy.

For those who think it does, I offer this alternate theory that fits the same facts. For many people, it’s work that makes them happy. Having something to do, and doing it well, deriving satisfaction from that. The salary is mostly a perk. Not for everyone, but for them. The 16 hour/day people. They like going to a place and getting results, and if the world were arranged so that they got paid half as much, I think they’d be just as happy, as long as they could still pay their bills.

So I’m just posting to be cantankerous. What is success? Is it the same for everyone? Really, I doubt it.

10

I didn’t define success in my original post - happiness would be very much part of it.

I think we all have different versions of what success is, but some of the things that have indicated success among my former college classmates or former high school classmates are:

  • Job titles & employers that indicate stability, recognition among peers, caree advancement, and achievement.
  • Having a spouse and kids
  • Living in certain parts of the country over other parts
  • Hobbies that make for interesting Facebook photos (probably not the best indicator of "success" but those that have interesting Facebook pages seem to be more successful than those that do not)
11

They only post the “good” photos on FB.

I grew up in a middleclass/workingclass community. Graduated in the 80’s from the local public school which also offered a vocational track. A lot of classmates showed up at the 10th HS reunion: the beautiful people, the nerds, the jocks, the vo-techs. As time passed, fewer and fewer showed. At the 30th reunion, it was only the people who made education a priority.

One of my contemporaries at work just lost her husband two days ago after he was diagnosed w leukemia only a few months ago. It really made me think about what really counts in life. It sure ain’t a job title.

12

Does it bother you that those who didn’t work as hard as you did at school, seem to be doing well? Are you for some reason regretting the hard work you did in high school and college, because you are now thinking it wasn’t necessary? Are you hoping that the “rest of the story” proves you did the right thing?

It is pretty well-known that high school success does not always predict future success in career or life.

13

Income increases happiness only for those making up to two times the poverty level. After that, money doesn’t have much impact on whether one is happy. Below that, it most certainly does. So if you’re defining success as making enough money to be happy, you’re talking about a very few people.

14

Pick up a book called Passages by Gail Sheehy. Give it a read. I think you will find it interesting and relevant.

15

How do you define success?

I went straight to college, got my degree, got a job, got my Masters. I got married at 30, became a mom for the first time at 40, and am now the mom of 3 teens. I’m doing a job I love, and have been happily married since 1989. In my book, that’s “success.”

My brother got his GED at 19, got married the same year. He had 3 kids in short order and is now a grandfather. He had a career with the phone company, eventually got his Bachelor’s, and has been married to the same woman since 1979. Success.

Success is choosing a life that will make you happy.

16

A couple of observations here. You’re seeing the Facebook version of life - lots of bumps are unseen. One major thing you need to keep in mind, those are the people who are still around. You need to start with your high school class - not everyone made it to 37.

I lost my best friend when she killed herself her freshman year at college. That’s when I learned it’s not about grades, elite schools, high paying jobs, prestigious careers, or even having kids.

Last, life isn’t some contest and our lives aren’t “ranked”. “Success at life” (at?) indicates a hierarchy of who’s good at living and who isn’t. Who cares? Life isn’t bean counting events or checking off the list.

17

And I would add that success is not a destination.

I feel you have to know yourself…what makes you happy (likes/dislikes, strengths/weaknesses, limits, etc).
I believe it’s counter-productive to measure your happiness/success based on the values of others. It’s just one reason I’m very glad I grew up" before FB and reality tv shows.

And one more thing…I would not get any satisfaction from seeing others struggle, just because they made choices with which I disagreed. I don’t need that to validate my choices. Everything is not a competition.

18

@SlackerMomMD , I’m so sorry about your best friend.

19

I’ve had the opportunity to spend time this past year with my two mid-twenties kids and their friends. In that bunch people took varied paths, some are now married and have children, some finished college and jumped immediately into a career, some postponed college and are just now finishing and some started college and then stopped because they found something that interested them. But as they approach their later twenties they have all found a path for themselves. This is how it generally works - yes there are differences but there are also different goals and there is not one goal for all. I wanted all my kids to get a college degree for a number of reasons, but honestly one of my kids is in a career that he could have achieved without a degree. I believe in higher education not as job training.

20

In my experience NO ONE gets through life unscathed. I’ve seen huge setbacks, personal and professional ones, happen to everyone I know.

The supremely financially successful couple (two powerful Ivy League-educated lawyers) endured years of stress/discomfort because his parents disapproved of her as choice of wife despite all her accomplishments. Another very successful woman, a doctor of some renown, was for years belittled by her controlling husband, who was simply jealous of her success. A friend who started a company at one point valued at 8 million dollars found out his partner (and “best friend”) had been embezzling money for years.

I’ve seen children of successful friends become druggies or teen moms.

I’ve seen friends lose jobs in layoffs and unable to regain a financial footing for years.

And yes, there’s been disease, deadly accidents and suicide.

And none of this was communicated on Facebook.

My advice, go into life expecting bumps, setbacks and (sadly) tragedies. And be glad when you and your love ones are employed, solvent, healthy and happy. THAT’s success.