Personal Statement for University of Washington (Feedback Needed)

<p>These are the first drafts of my personal statement essays for University of Washington, Seattle. This school is my top priority, so feedback would be extremely helpful and appreciated. I plan to take this to a workshop being held this week, let me know if there is anything crucial that I should change before attending. If you don't feel like reading it all, reading at least one would still be great. Thank you so much in advance, I don't have a lot of resources to turn to when it comes to my personal statement. </p>

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<p>ESSAY #1 PROMPT(600 WORDS): The Personal Statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of creating a context for your academic performance.
Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not apparent from your academic record:</p>

<p>a character-defining moment
the cultural awareness you've developed
a challenge faced
a personal hardship or barrier overcome</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>Throughout my adolescence I always had a strong desire to excel and get ahead in my academic career. As early as 8th grade I had completed college preparatory classes that fulfilled my high school graduation requirements. Once I had entered high school, I maintained an academic focus and chose Spanish and world geography as my electives for freshman year while many of my peers opted to take less rigorous or non-academic courses. As I approached my sophomore year of high school, I was introduced to the idea of completing college coursework in the high school atmosphere through Advanced Placement classes. After completing a few Advanced Placement classes in my sophomore and junior years, my desire to complete college course credits before I even obtained my high school diploma became insatiable.</p>

<p>Towards the end of my junior year I was informed of a program called middle college that allowed upperclassmen to complete their high school diploma requirements while simultaneously enrolling in college classes. I began to look more and more into this alternative high school program and rapidly gained interested in enrolling in actual college classes while still earning my high school diploma. From the beginning, I knew that this program would be best for me academically. In my high school education I had completed Advanced Placement classes that granted me college credit as long as I passed the exam at the end of the school year, but with middle college, I was presented with the opportunity to instead take the actual college courses. At the time, the program seemed like the best thing that could possibly happen to me.</p>

<p>Once I started to seriously consider transferring to middle college in order to complete my senior year, I began to realize that I needed to consider the effects this could have on aspects of my life other than my education. Deciding to transfer to middle college would result in me being in a completely new environment away from my hometown and peers that I had grown up with over the past decade. The deadline to apply for middle college quickly began to approach and I was forced to decide whether or not the educational benefits were worth leaving everything familiar to me in high school. After careful consideration, I made the decision that pursuing education at middle college would be the best path for me. Presenting this choice to my friends was difficult, but I could not let myself turn down an opportunity that would give me so much potential for improvement in my education.</p>

<p>Initially, starting school at middle college was challenging. Not only was I required to transition into the independent and fast-paced teaching styles of college, but I had to make this transition without my friends who had supported me throughout my high school education. While I still lived within a very close vicinity to those friends, I did not have very much time to interact with them due to the very different schedule of my new school. As the novelty of middle college wore off and I began to become acquainted with my peers, I knew I had made the right decision. The feeling of success in my college and high school classes reassured to me that putting my education as my top priority was the right choice. This experience opened my eyes to see that I am much more flexible and determined than I had previously imagined, and that with a positive mindset and the proper amount of effort I am able to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation.</p>

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<p>ESSAY #2 PROMPT (300 WORDS):Describe an experience of cultural difference, positive or negative, you have had or observed. What did you learn from it?
You may define culture broadly in your essay. For example, it may include ethnicity, customs, values, and ideas, all of which contribute to experiences that students can share with others in college. As you reply to this question, reflect on what you have learned -- about yourself and society -- from an experience of cultural difference.</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>While growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I am very accustomed to the differences in various cultures from around the world. The Bay Area is one of the most diverse parts of the country, and is a prime example for how many different cultures can come together and create an ultimate sense of unity. My large sense of cultural awareness comes from not only individual observations, but by lessons taught to me by specific individuals I have encountered. </p>

<p>My advanced English 9 teacher, Mrs. Bailey, made a significant effort to teach her students beyond the constraints of the freshman English curriculum. Around Christmas time, Mrs. Bailey was displeased with the materialistic desires much of the class had displayed. She told us a story about her travels through Europe in her young adult life in order to open our eyes to the insignificance of materials. </p>

<p>When Mrs. Bailey celebrated Christmas in Germany with the family that had been hosting her stay, she wanted to give back and thank them for their accommodation. She did not have a large amount of money, but was able to acquire some inexpensive gifts from a local market. On Christmas day, Mrs. Bailey exchanged gifts with the family. When she received the gifts, she immediately felt regret, for the gifts she received were carefully hand made. In their culture, the meaning of the gift far outweighed its monetary value.</p>

<p>After being told this story, I started to seriously contemplate my materialistic wants. I came to the realization that meaning in life does not come from materials, but from others. The most important aspects of life are not tangible. While Mrs. Bailey unfortunately passed away recently, the lesson she taught me about the significance of interaction and insignificance of materials has stayed with me.</p>

<p>So your first essay is worded very nicely, but the thing is…the topic itself is pretty boring and drab. I hate to tell you this, especially considering that the UW app is due next week, but I think u might have to change your whole essay story…also, you’re doing a lot of telling, but not enough showing! Remember, you want to describe what is going on as opposed to just saying it eg: it made me sad when my lamp broke vs. my heart dropped at the sheer sight of my broken lamp (silly example, but you get the idea)
The second one looks fine though! Just get rid of the “seriously” in the last sentence. </p>

<p>Thank you. I know that my first essay is a pretty bland topic, but there hasn’t really been much else that has happened to me during high school that I am comfortable talking about. I spoke with an English professor today and I plan to completely rewrite the beginning and ending of the story. Thank you a lot for the feedback, I was really taking a shot in the dark writing these. I didn’t really know the style of the first essay, but now I have a better feel for what they’re looking for.</p>

<p>They’re both really boring, braggy and show-off-y, but it looks like you’ve already gone far in your life so you probably don’t even need a good essay anyway</p>