Personal Statement: Hardship Please Read my essay! :]

<p>Hi guys, I'm a new member of CC, and I was hoping I could get some feedback on Prompt #2 essay. I'm going to talk about how i had(and still have Arthritis, AS) and how it has changed me. Thanks for reading!</p>

<p>Intense lights glare down, as I slowly open my eyes and find myself overwhelmed by a dense fog that swirls lazily around me. A bitter smell engulfs my nostrils as I gasp for breath. Moments later, I squint my eyes to get ahold of my bearings. </p>

<p>“No. No, not again.”</p>

<p>I find myself in a cage. There are no windows, no door, just white walls that seem to stretch on and on without ending. I am sitting on the ground with my legs splayed out, shackled with rusty chains to the ground. The slightest movement forces me to grimace with pain. I try to pry the chains off my ankles but even the rusted metal is strong enough to remain intact. Frustrated, I howl and slam my legs down in an attempt to destroy my bonds. With a resounding clang, pieces of metal skitter off in all directions. Suddenly, my vision is overwhelmed by darkness. </p>

<p>I wake up in my bed, heart pounding with sweat clinging to my back. I gingerly move my lower limbs up but the familiar bolt of pain speeds up my legs, squeezing a grunt out of me. The hope that flooded through my veins when I felt the shackles weaken and snap was now replaced by fear and apprehension. </p>

<p>Many times I have had this dream, and every time it is the same ending.
It was in 5th grade when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis: Ankylosing Spondylitis. AS is a very rare ailment that affects about one in 25000 children in America; I was one of the very unlucky few to have been called upon to carry this burden. AS attacks and melts away the tendon that acts as a buffer between two adjacent bones. When certain joints near the site of inflammation are moved, the bones grind together, causing extreme pain. </p>

<p>I spent a good six months under the influence of AS, confined to a wheelchair, but deep inside the depths of my soul, I never let go of the possibility that I would once again be able to walk and run like I had before. I remembered the bliss and freedom that I felt when sprinting through a freshly mown field; giving up was completely out of the question. Despite the sympathetic words that my doctors tried to butter me up with, telling me that there is no possible cure yet, I always held on to the belief that in my lifetime, I will one day cross paths with a medicine that will turn my life around. </p>

<p>That day came when I was starting 6th grade. My dad rushed me over to Lucille Children’s Hospital at Stanford, and they gave us information on this new medicine: Enbrel Etanercept. Although each injection came with a hefty price tag and the possibility of inflicting me with cancer, my loving family agreed to pay whatever it cost and I agreed to risk my life. I could not imagine a life without the use of my legs, so I did not hesitate when my parents asked me if I wanted to put my life on the line. At the time, it seemed like spending $5 on a lotto ticket for a chance at the grand prize of the Mega Millions Lottery, but I guess in the end, my luck had taken a 180 degree turn. </p>

<p>It has been seven years or so since I first unwillingly lowered myself down into a wheelchair, and now in retrospect, I feel that I have become a living reminder to those that are depressed and hopeless. Never give up, because that warm light is always going to be beckoning at the end of the tunnel. </p>

<p>The word count is 614, so I guess Prompt 1 will have to be shorter (unless I can condense some things in this one)</p>

<p>I am going to apply to UC's mainly, preferably UCLA, UCSD, UCB, UCD, UCI</p>

<p>I think that sounds great! I liked the creative introduction to it and I think that you have a really inspirational story that will stand out amongst others. To cut it down, I would recommend focusing on the first few paragraphs; I feel like everything in the last couple is necessary to explain your idea, the first few are just to catch their attention. Good luck! :)</p>

<p>Take the essay off here- you don’t want people to copy it. Generally, when you want someone to read your essay you make a thread saying you have a college essay and ask who will read it. People interested will reply and you’ll PM them the essay. I suggest you take the essay off this public area, too many people could see it.</p>

<p>With that said, however, here’s some feedback. </p>

<p>This part “AS is a very rare ailment that affects about one in 25000 children in America; I was one of the very unlucky few to have been called upon to carry this burden. AS attacks and melts away the tendon that acts as a buffer between two adjacent bones. When certain joints near the site of inflammation are moved, the bones grind together, causing extreme pain” sounds more “book reportish” than personal essay. I think it’s safe to assume that the adcom has some basic knowledge about AS and you shouldn’t spend an entire paragraph describing the disease. A sentence would suffice.</p>

<p>I’d disagree with Emma. Majority of the essay is focused on AS, you having it, and you suffering from it. However, IMO it should be the opposite. What’s important about you isn’t that you have AS, what’s important is how you overcame it and how it changed your life. It sounds too much like a story asking for admittance because of pity when you focus on the disease and not overcoming it. What was the prompt exactly?</p>

<p>I think my post may have been confusing… By saying focus on the first few I meant that is where you need to cut down in order to elaborate on your last paragraph, how this has affected you etc. How it has changed you is more important that what actually happened.</p>

<p>It seems that I cannot take the essay off, the edit button has disappeared. Is there any way for me to remove it otherwise? If not, then I wil have to completely revamp my current essay.</p>

<p>Oh well, guess I’ll take the risk and use this as my final essay. Thanks for the feedback!</p>

<p>its a well written essay. I like it. but take it off so that people don’t steal it.</p>

<p>Yeah I tried to take it off but CC won’t let me… Guess I have no choice but to risk some other person stealing my essay
(although I don’t know why he/she would put their own college app into jeopardy when their medical files are checked and they have no sign of arthritis o.O)</p>

<p>It is well written, this essay, but is illuminating point is unfortunately a cliche:

The “never give up” trope probably shows up in about 50% of all college essays. Your reader will like this essay much better if instead of the the "never give up “theme” you perhaps think about exploring how what happened t oyou changed your view of others and what you did about it.</p>

<p>Yes, I will change it! Thanks for the feedback, I had a feeling that a lot of people might have taken the “never give up standpoint”
Time to get off the bandwagon ^^</p>