<p>“To me, a doctor is like a piece of tissue, it can clean up any mess and it can comfort you when you’re sad.”</p>
<p>Im sorry but im pretty sure the admissions officers are just gonna start bursting out into laughter as your essay is fully of corney cheesy con carnival lines like this one. Might need a rewrite.</p>
<p>cheers,
Mike</p>
<p>i didn’t read all of the comments, but yeah, it needs a bit of work.
1)your voice isn’t very mature, it sounds very young, as if college essays were just something fun to do
2) don’t overdo it, it “pains you”? Really? Perhaps it influences you, but “pains” is a bit much (for me). Also, “Dire”? I am no expert, so you might be right here, but Newfoundland isn’t a place where disease travels without ever being stopped, is it? I mean, it isn’t some little known area that is totally undeveloped and overpopulated, is it?
3)Myocardial Infarction is a heart attack, no? Why do you make it sound so crazy. Just say what it is and perhaps WHAT you did to research. A lot of people do research, but only those who can explain what they did and its IMPACT have done important research.</p>
<p>Again, i didn’t read all of the comments, but i would work on it a bit</p>
<p>Absolutely awful. They’d reject you even if you had a 5.0 gpa (on a 4.0 scale) and 36 ACT’s/2400 SAT’s</p>
<p>That was probably the most clich</p>
<p>This thread brings back memories of waiting for ED results… I remember bestwhit!</p>
<p>Meh…</p>
<p>I agree with what has been said. Next time though, kind word of advice, everyone can see your essay when you simply post it like this. That also means that anyone can steal and forge your essay when you post it. So, for future reference, if you want your essays read, it would be better to pm it to persons you trust or who meet whatever criteria you set. Don’t just post it publicly.</p>
<p>Sorry but as everyone else has said, I don’t think it’s too good either. Make sure to use the advice from these other people and incorporate them into your essay. It can be hard figuring out how to start, and just writing an essay for a school like Cornell can be hard. When I have the time and if I remember, I’ll be glad to help you out if you want me to, through pm or whatever. Just take the advice from these people too, a lot of them are really helpful.</p>
<p>I pretty much agree with everyone else.
The first paragraph was semi-decent, but you lost my interest at your “Newfoundland is the most mesmerizing place on Earth” bit. I realize the importance of your background, but keep that brief - bring it back to medicine/academics more quickly.</p>
<ol>
<li> If all Newfoundlanders care about the well being of others, there wouldn’t be a dire health situation and impoverished areas. The two concepts contradict themselves. You can’t say “all” of anything unless you have a statistic, which I’m sure you don’t. Your whole Newfoundland bit could be reduced to two sentences - one about the locale and the second about how it affects your life.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>I know what it’s like to live in one place and idealize it, but admissions officers have probably lived many places and have realized something you haven’t yet - that there’s a lot of beautiful places in the world and people are pretty much the same in all of them. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Grammar, grammar, grammar. Maybe a brilliant doctor can get away with bad grammar, but an applicant to one of the best Arts and Sciences schools in country would not fare so well.</p></li>
<li><p>You won’t want to hear this, but I would recommend backing off on the medicine avenue. You’re 17 years old. College is a time of profound change in your life. I’d actually be surprised if you graduate with the same goal in life as you have now. I don’t know many who do unless they are under the control of strict parents. I’ve known people obsessed with forensic dramas or crime shows or med shows or law shows who threw their lives down that path until they realized the day-to-day reality of that life isn’t how they want to live.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>The whole point of a liberal arts education is to expose you to different ideas and opportunities and let you mold yourself by those. Coming in with a 40 year plan for your life is going to make admissions people say, “Well, he can get pre-professional training in Canada. Why should we give an international slot to some who’s not going to really utilize Cornell for what it is?”</p>
<p>Show passion for what Cornell can offer you on its own, not as an after thought stepping stone to some other school. Perhaps be more broad in expressing your interest in medicine and science and wanting to see where it takes you through a school like Cornell. There are a LOT of avenues of medicine (research, pharmaceutical reps, etc…)</p>
<p>You’re lucky to be getting this while you have time to work on it. </p>
<p>Get a book titled, “On Writing the College Application Essay” by a guy named Harry Bauld. Here’s the link to that title on Amazon.com: [Amazon.com:</a> On Writing the College Application Essay: The Key to Acceptance and the College of your Choice: Harry Bauld: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Writing-College-Application-Essay-Acceptance/dp/0064637220/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237215705&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Writing-College-Application-Essay-Acceptance/dp/0064637220/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237215705&sr=1-1)</p>
<p>It was recommended in another book I read and I thought this book was very helpful. This man will show you things to avoid and ways to improve your writing. Yeah, it will take time and won’t be fun, but it WILL help you write better. </p>
<p>Too much of your essay is about your province and less about you. Narrow your topic to ONE specific thing and it’ll be better. For example, the one defining moment when you KNEW you’d be a doctor for your province and how you felt, or the one teacher who caused a huge change in you, or the one time something unique happened that was unrelated to medicine. Like, do you go ice fishing? Do you use a dog-sled? I’m not trying to be rude or sarcastic here, just trying to think of ways a kid from Newfoundland could stand out among 30,000 other applications. Because that’s what your essay needs to do. Your essay should be written about YOU, not about anyone else. If it sounds like it could be about anyone else, it’s not about YOU. I’d scrap this one and start fresh with another topic after reading that book.</p>
<p>When you compare Newfoundland to a mansion, that’s okay I guess, but the way you compared them didn’t sound right. Similes and metaphors can improve writing only if they are good. Teachers like students to use colorful language and literary devices like these, but the writing has to flow and fit the piece. I’d show my essay to my English teacher and ask for brutally honest feedback. And if he gives REALLY solid advice that will help, cook your teacher dinner as a thank-you.</p>
<p>You have a few months to get your essays into shape. Work hard and you’ll do it! Good Luck!!</p>
<p>The OP posted this in November 2008 and the essay was for his application to the Class of 2013. Your comments aren’t going to help too much now ;)</p>
<p>i agree with resurgambell. it’s risky posting college admission essays directly. next time, ask for whoever is willing, and check their post counts/history to see if their legit. there are many people who will try to steal your essay once it’s worth value. </p>
<p>anyways, reading some comments, people seem a little harsh. but the bottom line is that we all highly advise you to change your essay so you receive the best decision based on your true capabilities. </p>
<p>I glanced through your essay. here are some notes </p>
<ul>
<li><p>Cornell knows their the ****. you’re essay should talk about why they want you.</p></li>
<li><p>be concise as hell. there are many irrelevant information in your essay. don’t add cliche metaphors. they may be cute if you’re reading your essay by itself, but in the shoes of an admissions counselor, they will be reading thousands upon thousands…it’s just going to **** them off. get to the point, and get to it quickly. </p></li>
<li><p>I like the foundation for your passion. But it can be executed better. It’s good to give some background information, but ultimately you are illustrating the story of Newfoundland rather than yours. </p></li>
</ul>
<p>I know this can be frustrating! Believe me, I’ve had my essays torn up until draft 5.3 and it’s extremely demoralizing when you put many hours into a paper to have it receive poor criticism. but trust me, it’s worth it in the end. from all this, you’ll get a much better essay. good luck!</p>
<p>update: wow, the man got into Cornell.</p>
<p>^ Just curious? How do you know? And did he get into anywhere else with those kinds of essay-writing skills?</p>
<p>wow, this has got a lot of hits since the last time i checked, i honestly didn’t think I’d get bashed this much by random strangers haha… For the record, when i posted this draft, i had absolutely no idea on how to write a college essay. I was mainly throwing something out there to gain feedback. I’m sorry I offened you guys with my essay “skills”, but that’s no reason to mock someone who’s just looking for help. But I did get into Cornell, and I did write a new essay. So I thank all you critics. Haha all your negative posts got me into Cornell. Hopefully I’ll see some of you guys there!!! Big Red for life!!</p>
<p>i think there’s definitely room for improvement, but a lot of the comments here are not even structured criticisms, so i wouldn’t be too discouraged from all these negative comments here.</p>
<p>not that i’m an expert on essay writing, but i’d definitely think about the following:</p>
<ul>
<li>what is your contention? what are you trying to get across to the readers? don’t be all over the place, link your ideas together</li>
</ul>
<p>lol HE GOT INTO CORNELL ALREADY.
IF YOU READ THE LAST POST YOU WOULD KNOW THAT!</p>
<p>this is what happens when people stop reading.</p>
<p>its generally a good idea to read the last post in a thread before you post.</p>
<p>or check the posting date of the first post…</p>