<p>Ever since the age of nine, I have been dreaming of becoming a doctor everyday. While other kids were hanging posters of hockey players in their rooms, I was busy watching hopsital dramas. To me, a doctor is like a piece of tissue, it can clean up any mess and it can comfort you when you're sad. The fact that a doctor has the power to eliminate pain and grieve enticed me to take on a rigorous high school workload full of math and science courses. I've spent the past three years trying to acquire the social conscience and the medical knowledge needed for becoming a doctor.</p>
<p>To understand my drive for medicine, you must first understand my roots. I'm from Newfoundland, a large but sparsely-populated island. Detached from the rest of Canada, Newfoundland is like a mansion because of its sheer beauty and isolation. This alluring island has characteristics of both a nature wonderland and a European metropolis. From the mesmerizing scenery of Gros Morne National Park, to the hustle and insanity of George Street, Newfoundland is simply the most mesmerizing place on Earth. In fact, the only thing that can match the radiance of Newfoundland is the quality of this province's citizens. Newfoundlanders believe strongly in camaraderie. Everything we are renowned for, whether it's our rugby teams or our rowing programs, is heavily dependent on brotherhood and co-operation. All Newfoundlanders care for the well-being of others, for example, whenever there's a blizzard in my neighborhood, no one ever goes home until every driveway is shovelled. This unity has helped this province overcome many obstacles, however, there remains one major problem that even unity can't solve, the mass shortage of doctors in Newfoundland. </p>
<p>The health situation in Newfoundland is dire. Some people from less fortunate towns need to drive three to four hours just to see a doctor. Even larger places are affected by this crisis, for example, there are only two pathologists in my city of roughly 120,000 people. The shortage of doctors has hindered both the lifestyle of Newfoundlanders and the quality of medical research. For years, highly prevalent genetic heart disorders have plagued this island. Researchers have tried to eradicate these diseases, but without enough health professionals, genetic diseases will continue to afflict Newfoundlanders. These circumstances are why I feel obligated to pursue a medical career. For the past few years, I've been volunteering at a national genetics lab for Myocardial Infraction, a fatal heart disease, and at the local children's hospital. Both these experiences have fulfilled me greatly and given me a first-hand look at our urgent health care status. People in my province are in need, and it pains me that their calls for help are not being answered.</p>
<p>Cornell is one of the best schools around. Any student lucky enough to get admitted will be exposed to exclusive knowledge and wisdom. I am forever in debt to Newfoundland and its citizens for giving me all my values. I feel it's my duty to do everything possible to aid these people. Cornell's College of Arts and Science will help me unlock some of medicine's mysteries and truly let me assist the people I love.</p>
<p>“Cornell is one of the best schools around”<br>
1.) are you 12 years old?
2.) they kno wthey are teh best schools around. harvard is the best. so why cornell and not harvard? think about this before writing
3.) make it more formal seriously</p>
<p>you take alot about newfoundland, why so focused? this is an arts and sciences essay. </p>
<p>if i were you i would delete this and write a new one. sorry im so harsh, but its for your own good.</p>
<p>Content aside, the grammar is atrocious. Apart from the grammar, there really is no substance. As a reader, I don’t understand why Cornell would better prepare you over any other school. The second paragraph is completely unnecessary and the introduction is very weak. You make some good points, but overall its overshadowed by mediocrity and poor writing. I would not hand this into Cornell; I urge you to start over, and seek help from a teacher/parent after rewriting.</p>
<p>Sorry, but it seems like something from a travel brochure. Start over. Talk more about YOU. Let the admissions office DEDUCE that Cornell is the best school for you.</p>
<p>yeah, i know it sucks to get negative criticism… but…i would take the advice and start over. typing this, the only thing i can remember about it is a shortage of doctors in newfoundland. well, that, and you saying “cornell is one of the best schools around”… its not that i didn’t read it closely or in it’s entirety, it’s just that nothing stuck out. you need something in there that makes YOU memorable…</p>
<p>this sounds like an essay to get into a cornell med school. I know it sucks to get criticism but you should write a new essay, not about medicine, but about your love for science. Don’t just focus on science though. Talk about everything cornell has to offer. The admissions officers there know that other schools will have better pre-med programs and they wouldn’t want you writing an essay saying they are the best for pre-med. Talk about a variety of things, but be focused in each area. Good luck.</p>
<p>If you are passionate about wanting to be a doctor, you NEED to be passionate about math and science, at least in the US. Focus on those two things, relate them to your ECs/classes etc. Also, you need to do a lot more research about Cornell. There are things that make every school special and unique.</p>
<p>I like the idea of your essay, but the execution can definitely be better. </p>
<p>don’t say you’re obliged to be a doctor, say it has inspired you. Also, grief not grieve.
And I agree with the other people, talk more about how Cornell can help you learn and then in return you will be able to aid your community.</p>
<p>Btw, I wouldn’t say exclusive knowledge either because Cornell pride themselves on being a people’s college</p>
<p>My guess is that you recycled this essay for many schools and just tacked on a blurb at the very end about Cornell CAS. Not a very good essay but you still have time to write a new one.</p>
<p>few things to consider when you re-write or heavily edit your essay:
your erratic usage of “hard” words mixed in with rather poor grammar and sentence structure screams thesaurus – I highly suggest that you take this to your english teacher and get it proofread.</p>
<p>2) Maybe focus on one experience or event. Or believe. Or scope. Right now you take into account yourself, your dramas, your town, the town’s disease, where it’s located, what doctors need to do, . . . . you catch my drift, right?</p>
<p>3) Some of the contents you mention seem totally random – instead of watching hockey, you are “busy” watching medical dramas? Lol I wish I could watch medical dramas! They may inspire you… but prepare you to become a doctor? I’d reconsider putting that in the essay</p>
<p>4) You might want to focus on your experience in the hospital you worked in and tie in all that other stuff in like a sentence or two. Then talk more about how Cornell – Cornell specifically – could help you achieve your goal.</p>
<p>I’d like to see the rewritten/revised version.
Good luck.</p>
<p>First par:
“watching dramas” on tv? movies? Regardless, neither are like practicing real medicine.</p>
<p>Second par: makes me want to visit Newfoundland, but it’s a bunch of words, none of which tell us anything about you.</p>
<p>Third par: perhaps ok if you were applying to a School of Public Health for a health management policy major, but not for CAS, which is a liberal arts school. “I’ve been volunteering…” – go with that thought and turn IT into an essay, about a day (or hour) in your life of volunteering.</p>
<p>Fourth par: ANY good college would provide you with the background to become a doctor, including McGill, Toronto and any number of local Unis. Why Cornell?</p>
<p>first…posting a college admissions essay on here is just not a smart thing to do…it belittles yourself as a student and shows you lack confidence on the admissions process…</p>
<p>but putting all these harsh comments aside, you gotta write from the heart…i get a feeling of cutesiness from your essay…</p>
<p>picture the college admission as your last word on earth…you need to tell it like it is…be bold but persuasive…</p>
<p>I’m going to agree with everyone else, it’s a poorly written essay.
Don’t use “you” in a college essay, and though the bit about Newfoundland is nice and makes me really want to visit, it reveals ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about you. This does indeed sound very childish and I would start over. Instead of describing your effort to gain medical knowledge (which by the way isnt what colleges are looking for in 17 year olds…) describe something concrete you feel passionate about. Maybe a day in your life? Something like that, something that makes you stand out. All I gathered from this is that you’re fairly immature, have a poor grasp of grammatical concepts, and really, really, really love Newfoundland.</p>
<p>“Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.”</p>