please critique my (somewhat) revised short-answer...

Applying to College
1

i posted the original version of this short-answer a couple of weeks ago.

Engineering: Where do you imagine your chosen field of study will be in 10 years, and how do you fit into that picture?

I have always aspired to become an engineer. The one field in engineering that intrigues me the most is robotics. In recent years, the use of robots has become more customary and dynamic, and it is still an expanding field with unlimited potential. More companies are purchasing robots to make their business more efficient everyday. In 10 years, I expect robotics to become a major field in engineering and an even more widely used technology.
Companies will be increasing the amount of jobs for robots so that they can have a consistent reproducibility, a small margin of error, and realize significant cost savings. Robots would eventually replace every job in the production line at motor companies, as they are faster, easier to reconfigure, and have small margin of error. Also in 10 years, robotics would be advanced enough to significantly impact the medical profession. Surgical intervention using robotics would result in robotic surgery lending itself to telesurgery, in which surgeons would not be required to be in the operation rooms at all. This would reduce the need for seriously ill patients to travel long distances for care or allow surgeons to perform procedures on patients in hazardous environments such as battlefields.
The future of robotics is bright, and I look forward to be a part of its future. When robotics will be in the later part of its development stages, about 10 years from now, I picture myself being involved in a firm whose sole purpose is to design, manufacture, and distribute robots to car manufacturers and hospitals around the world. I have been involved in robotics for the past 2 years – as a member of my very successful high-school robotics team – and I want to be involved in it for the rest of my educational and working career.

when i posted the original version, some suggested that it wasnt personal enough. can u please comment? if even this is not personal enough, then i m kinda lost on how to do it (considering the prompt). can u also comment on the overall content?
thanx in advance…

2

<p>"The future of robotics is bright, and I look forward to be a part of its future."
Reword so you're not repeating "future"</p>

<p>No dash in "high school" (last paragraph)
Spell out any number under 10 (including 10). </p>

<p>And yeah, it's pretty boring.</p>

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<p>well Eely, this is 300 words, and the word-limit is 250. i dont know how such a prompt could be both entertaining and informative.</p>

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<p>Then you should learn.
Here's an example of what you could change: "I picture myself being involved in a firm whose sole purpose is to design, manufacture, and distribute robots"</p>

<p>Well yeah, that's just obvious. If you want to do engineering, you're going to work for an engineering firm. Change it to something like, "when the technology catches up to my ambitions a decade from now, I would like to focus my expertise on automechanics and the medical sciences."
"10 years from now" is in the question, so a lot of kids are going to write that exact phrase. I'd go nuts if i kept reading that. Even a simple word change ("decade") can make a huge difference.</p>

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<p>thanx for the advice, i will change that right away.</p>

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<p>did i answer the prompt appropriately?</p>

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<p>close enough. After all, they're probably a bunch of engineers, too.</p>

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<p>anyone else except Eely want to comment?</p>

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<p>bump...................</p>

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<p>"close enough. After all, they're probably a bunch of engineers, too."</p>

<p>hey :P I take offense to that - I'm looking to go into physics/engineering and am no worse a writer than the english majors on here. ;)</p>

<p>That said, a few pointers:</p>

<p>"In 10 years, I expect robotics to become a major field in engineering and an even more widely used technology. " -- awkward, not to mention the "in 10 years" restatement.</p>

<p>" Also in 10 years, robotics would be advanced enough to significantly impact the medical profession. "</p>

<p>"When robotics will be in the later part of its development stages, about 10 years from now, "</p>

<p>like eely said, you overuse the phrase "10 years from now", or variations of it, in your short essay. Restate the prompt only ONCE (if you must), to set the time frame, but no more. There's no need to reiterate since 1) the question asked you specifically to comment on your field 10 YEARS FROM NOW, so they probably are under the assumption that their applicants are smart enough to follow directions and not talk about... say 10 years AGO. 2) even if you must restate the prompt to make yourself comfortable, the reader, any reader, will assume you have not changed time references if you are in the same tense. </p>

<p>Now a few comments on your writing:</p>

<p>"distribute robots to car manufacturers and hospitals around the world."
car manufacturers are probably very different from hospitals... linking them casually with an "and" clause really doesn't wokr well here. One would expect to hear two items that are similar. If you want to provide a contrast, as it seems like you're aiming to do... (since robots are ALREADY used in car factories but not yet in hospitals) try a "not only...but also..." clause.</p>

<p>Overall, you need to vary your sentence structure a bit. Your introduction, especially, as it is, is choppy and absolutely does NOT grab the reader's attention. I still don't think I've managed to read through that whole thing yet because the intro was excruciatingly dull. I'm not saying you need to make ROBOTICS sound exciting, because, believe me, to anyone who is not a fan of engineering, it's NOT -- and there's NO WAY it can be in a short essay. But doing something as simple as varying sentence structure - some longer sentences, some shorter, more substance in each sentence rather than many choppy setences... etc can drastically improve the reading experience.</p>

<p>Any further questions feel free to send a PM :P</p>

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<p>is this intro any better?</p>

<p>I have always aspired to become an engineer, and the one field in engineering that intrigues me the most is robotics. In recent years, the use of robots has become more customary and dynamic; more companies are purchasing robots to make their business more efficient everyday. Nonetheless, robotics is still an expanding field with unlimited potential. In ten years, I expect robotics to become a major field in engineering and an even more widely used technology.</p>

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<p>bump.... last one.</p>