<p>Hello, this is my first post on College Confidential. Will you please give me a grade or feedback on my essay?</p>
<p>Prompt: Do people need to compare themselves with others in order to appreciate what they have?</p>
<pre><code>I do not think people need to compare themselves with others to appreciate what they have. I believe that comparing yourself with others is more likely to bring you grief rather than any positive effects. This can be seen in the book of Genesis when the serpent tempted Adam and Eve into comparing themselves to God. I have also seen the negative effects of comparing myself with others in my personal life.
In the book of Genesis, Adam and Eve were in paradise. They had a beautiful relationship with God as he would walk with them in the cool of the evening. The only thing forbidden to them was the fruit of that one tree. What caused them to transgress against this one prohibition from God? The serpent was successful in causing them to compare themselves to God and, therein caused unnecessary grief. He told them that if they ate from the fruit they would become like God. As they compared themselves to
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<p>God, they realized they liked Gods position better than their own. They had everything but, when they compared themselves and consequently sought to be like God, they found reason to eat of the tree although it was forbidden to them.</p>
<pre><code>I have also seen the negative effect of unnecessary comparison in my own life. When I was in junior high school, there was a girl named Sandy. I was smarter than Sandy. I was musically talented; Sandy was not. However, Sandy had nice clothes and was more popular. I became dissatisfied. Although I possessed talents and qualities she did not, I became jealous of what she had. As one compares themselves with someone, the other person will undoubtedly have assets that are unique to them. This is because everyone is unique. It is a mistake for the person comparing to attempt a positive outcome from such a comparison because it is highly unlikely.
The bible says that those comparing themselves among themselves are not wise. I completely agree. Instead, as stated in the book of Timothy, we should be happy as long as we have food and raiment. We do not have to compare ourselves to specific people to come to the realization that there are some people that are lacking these basic necessities. We should appreciate and be content in our current situations.
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<p>thanks in advance for any feedback</p>
<p>8-10 range. Good essay.
Possible flaws:
-Talked about religion (most likely won’t, but could hurt you depending on the reader. I was less drawn to that example because I am an atheist. Just something to consider.)
-repititious usage of certain phrases such as I have also seen that. Also try to keep your point of view the same at all times.
-transitions could be better
-try to avoid anything that could be seen as glorification of yourself such as “I was smarter than sandy”
-the examples the are regarded the highest are examples from school, history and literature. </p>
<p>Good essay, a little touch up could make it an 11-12.</p>
<p>Sorry for all errors above, I wrote that on my phone.</p>
<p>Thanks for your feedback Caruso. :)</p>
<p>Do you know where I could find good examples of transitions? Maybe from other essays on the forum?</p>
<p>Also, could you show me an example in the essay of where my point of view seems uncertain?</p>
<p>I can see how calling myself smart can seem like glorifying myself. Thanks for the heads up.</p>
<p>Thanks again for taking the time to comment on my essay.</p>
<p>As far as transitions avoid words like also. For the last paragraph, try to lead into it with something creative as opposed to “in the bible”. Sorry I don’t have specific examples. </p>
<p>I just noticed this, but you should probably swap your 3rd or 4th paragraph. You went from religion to personal example to religion in paragraphs 2, 3 and 4. Or better yet, make the fourth paragraph either a counter example (then say why it is wrong) or a conclusion. </p>
<p>Your point seems clear the whole time. </p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>Ok, thanks for your time. :)</p>
<p>I would give it an 11. You did exactly what you’re supposed to do in an essay: link the body paragraphs with the thesis. However the only thing I thought you could either omit or improve on.is the last paragraph where you talk about the bible. Only there did I not see clearly what you were trying to convey to me about why we shouldn’t compare ourselves with others. Mind you I’m talking about the last paragraph and not the book of Genesis example.</p>
<p>i would give it an 9 or 10 :)</p>
<p>i really like the points you made! i agree with caruso707 about the religion thing but other than that it was really good! usually personal examples are really bad, but yours really made a great point!! </p>
<p>you are like really good at writing :)</p>
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<p>2400Man, I can see what your saying there it does seem a bit disjointed. I think I was trying to sum up my points and make it a conclusion and since I have so much bible in my mind (and I think it expresses things better than I can attempt to) I put the bible quotes in there. Not that I was trying to make it a bible paragraph per se, nor was I really trying to make an example of it. But, your observations are definitely noted and I will, hopefully, use them to improve my writing. Thank you very much.</p>
<p>mangomangoo,</p>
<p>thank you for your positive feedback! It is very encouraging. I think I will try to post another essay sans the religious references and maybe they can be helpful to someone. I know I like to google the essay prompts when I get stumped to see what kind of examples others come up with.</p>