SAT Essay practice

Test Preparation
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<p>I'm going to be a Sophomore this year, and since I have to take the PSAT's I am doing some practice SAT essays. I have no other experience taking the actual SAT essays and this is my third or fourth pracitce essay. I would appreciate feedback on my essay and how to improve/format/structure/etc. </p>

<p>Do people need to compare themselves with others in order to appreciate what they have?</p>

<pre><code> By comparing yourself with others, you can learn what is best for you in certain circumstances. Everyone is unique in their own ways and different from anyone else, so by comparing yourself with others, you can see how to appreciate yourself. This is delineated in my experience mingling around Juilliard Pre College kids, Finny and Gene in A Seperate Peace, and the memoir Night, by Elie Wiesel. Comparing yourself can make you realize what you have that others do not so that you can feel a sense of pride in yourself.

When I started to prepare an audition for Juilliard Pre College for piano, I attended the school to gain some experience with them. During those Saturdays, I witnessed many kids who were practicing 4 or 5 hours a day, excelling in their instrument with their deft knowledge of music. I felt bashful because compared to them, I was not at all near their abilities. However, I learned that the kids in the division almost have no lives beyond music. They concentrate and focus so diligently in their acquired instrument that they have no free time in which children our age should get. By seeing them I appreciated my ebullient life as a student, musician, runner, singer, and dancer.

Furthermore, Finny and Gene is another example of one comparing themsevles to another. Finny was an effervescent kid, athletic and smart in his own way. Gene however, lacked the athletic abilities and was not as gregarious as Finny. Althought they were best friends, an unconscious thought of jealousy came to mind when Gene knocked Finny off a tree. After Finny was deleteriously injured, he was no longer able to play sports. After this incident Gene thought of himself as Finny, but he could not be like him; an elated, happy boy who never abhorred anyone. After comparing himself, Gene realized his faults and gained absolution.

Apart of Finny and Gene, another spectacular book, Night by Elie Wiesel depicts a father son relationship. Elie and his father are the in the midst of desperation in the concentration camps during the Holocaust. Although his father is weak and emaciated, Elie sacrifices his rations of bread and soup to him. On the other hand, Rabbi Eliahou and his son are like their FOILs. The Rabbi’s son purposely censures his enervated father for being weak and isolates him to die. Seeing this, Elie was determined not to lose his father.

At times, one may feel jealous of another because what they have and what you lack. However, by comparing yourself you can learn to love your life. You should not show enmity in others just because they have something you don’t. Just like the saying, “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence,” you may feel unimportant when seeing others surpass you. However, the you should learn to persevere in what you own; your talents, your individuality, and your life.
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<p>You have some good thoughts here. Your examples focus on different aspects of comparing oneself with others–you might dig just a little deeper into the analysis, to highlight those differences. </p>

<p>In the first example, you mention a comparison that initially made you feel inferior; but when you expanded the framework of the comparison beyond musical performance to a broader range of life experience, the scales tipped in the other direction. This fits with the idea that “people need to compare themselves with others in order to appreciate what they have.” Also, it extends the idea to include the issue of the proper framework of comparison. </p>

<p>In the second example, you mention Gene’s envy of Finny. I don’t think that this fits with the idea that "people need to compare themselves with others <em>in order to appreciate what they have.</em> You could argue that the comparison with Finny was a step toward Gene’s self-realization; however, it seems to me that the comparison does more to show Gene what he himself lacks than to make him appreciate what he has. Can you think of a replacement example?</p>

<p>In your third example, you show that Elie gained renewed resolve to save his father, from comparing himself with Rabbi Eliahou’s son. This fits with the main theme (appreciating what you have), but interestingly, I think it goes a bit deeper than that. If you could highlight the added depth–gaining new resolve, beyond simple appreciation–it would strengthen the essay.</p>

<p>Just a couple of suggestions with regard to wording and other aspects of presentation:</p>

<p>1) You do not need to insert $64 words in order to score an 11 or 12. The right “big” word advances your essay a lot. For example, I think that describing Finny as an “effervescent kid” is great. On the other hand, you are using SAT vocabulary words in other spots, where they do not seem quite right. The words I have in mind in this category are “ebullient,” “elated,” and “deleteriously,” with “enervated” as a close fourth. The essay would be stronger with these words just omitted.</p>

<p>2) Watch your use of prepositions. The phrase “enmity in” is not correct. It should be “enmity toward” or something similar.</p>

<p>3) Watch your use of semi-colons. They do not introduce appositives. Instead, a comma should be used to introduce an appositive phrase and a colon should be used to introduce an appositive list. For example, in the paragraph about Gene and Finny, you should have "but he could not be like him, a happy boy . . . " and in the last paragraph, you should have “what you own: your talents, your individuality, and your life.” When you have constructions that have multiple phrases that would ordinarily be separated by commas, but the phrases themselves have commas within them, it is correct to use semi-colons. I think this is the rule that you are trying to follow. However, when you have just one term, followed by a term or list of terms that amplifies the original, a comma or colon is better.</p>

<p>4) Why did you use all caps with FOIL? I don’t think it needs any caps.</p>

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<p>Incidentally, there are no essays on the PSAT as far as I know–it’s a shorter test.</p>