Please grade my blind daughter's essay

<p>Many people are philanthropists, giving money to those in need. And many people believe that those who are rich—those who can afford to give the most—should contribute the most to charitable organizations. Others, however, disagree. Why should those who are more fortunate than others have more of a moral obligation to help those who are less fortunate?
Assignment: Should people who are more fortunate than others have more of a moral obligation to help those who are less fortunate? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>"No one has ever become poor by giving – Anne Frank" This quotation reflects that, it is not poverty that prevents people from helping, but it is helping that prevents poverty from reaching them. Therefore, I believe that everyone should be equally expected to help others, no matter what their own financial status is.
The first thing everyone should be aware of, is the fact that "help" does not limit only to giving money to others. In fact, this word includes everything from helping an elderly cross the street, to sitting and listening to someone talk about his or her suffering. Thus, social status is absolutely not something that can determine how much a person should be expected to help others.
I would like to give an example from a Thai novel written by Ging Chut. In the story, Tiger is only a poor boy who has to work as a fish-seller at a weekend market since the age of 10 to take care of his disabled uncle and old grandmother. On the other hand, Mook, the main female character, is a girl from a politician's family who seems to have everything from money, education, to a cocy family. Nevertheless, after the boy discovers how lonely the girl is as the youngest family member who no one truely cares about, he decides to help her by accepting her friendship, which he first eschewed carelessly, and allowing her to help him sail the fish at the market every week. He also buys the girl food she likes but cannot eat at home, even though money is much more valuable for the boy's family than for the girl.
Another example is drawn from a news article I've read on the Telegraph news website in March, 2014. In the news, a British family showed the reporters a letter and a photo that an anonimous Jerman soldier sent to them after the second world war. The man found it in the pocket of a dead British soldier in the battle in 1940. Despite the fact that hewas the person who killed the man, and the fact that this was his enermy, the Jerman decided to fuilfilled the British man's wish by sending the letter and the photo to the family in Britain.
This news made me think that the Jerman soldier was not any more fortunate than the British man. He was in a war and could be dead at any moment. In fact, it was found that he was killed later in the war. However, he still decided to help another man, who was considered to be his foe by making the final wish come true.
In conclusion, I think the two examples discussed above serve well as an example of how altruism act is not determined by how rich a person is. Therefore, no one should wait until he thinks he is rich "enough" before helping others because for humans, there is never enough.</p>

<p>I am not a professional, but I can see that this is a good essay. </p>

<p>Aside from a couple of grammar errors, it does make its point quite clear. However, one thing I have seen when working with my friend’s essays is that the ‘conclusions’ people put in their essays, though good wrap ups at times, actually sometimes diminish the emotional impact of the essays.
I can see this happening here - I recommend dropping the conclusion and letting the moral of the essay ‘sink in’ without explaining it.</p>

<p>Upon that, I believe that a 5 paragraph essay style, though a good middleground essay template, is not the best for creative writing such as a college essay. I would recommend a more informal writing style - college essays are about personalities, which are best expressed through the informal medium.</p>

<p>But again, I am not a professional, I am just a student who follows a certain writing style.</p>

<p>I like the way the essay attempts to redefine the nature of “fortunate” and “help” in the second paragraph. The thesis statement should probably be tweaked to match that idea.</p>

<p>I am more concerned that the essay does not prove what it sets out to prove. Both pieces of evidence show that helping others is a nice thing to do.</p>

<p>But the essay specifically promises to show that there is an OBLIGATION to do so, and the evidence does not do this. I’m not even sure that the examples chosen can be explained in a way that demonstrates such an obligation.</p>

<p>Lol this was the SAT essay prompt a couplw months ago</p>

<p>This is not a college essay; sounds like the SAT. Don’t drop the conclusion. Just improve it so it’s not so blunt or bland.</p>