<p>Debatemom - Glad to hear the school is behind you and supporting you and your son. You’re doing all you can - it must be tough hearing him on the other end of the phone. Perhaps it would be best to tell him you will only talk to him at most 1 time per day in the evening so both you and he can get beyond the exhausting, gut wrenching phone calls.</p>
<p>Debatemom, I want to give you {{{{HUGS}}}}</p>
<p>What you are going through is so hard, but you are doing a GREAT JOB with some of the hardest work a mom ever has to put in, that is watching your boy suffer (from a distance no less), holding back your own tears while you listen to him shed his, knowing that the best thing for him is to give him the time to get through this rather than swoop in and rescue him. </p>
<p>You have called in the support system at his school (good move), and you should know that these folks are very experienced at evaluating homesick kids and knowing when enough is enough and it just isn’t a good fit. They don’t want him to suffer any more than you do. So if they’re saying it’s too early to call it, then you can trust them. </p>
<p>You should also know that more often than not, a kid will call home and let loose with everything that’s bothering him or upsetting him, all the injuries, little and great, the tears and anger, just so that he can “return to the trenches” with a bit more aplomb. It isn’t very easy for the parents (no kidding!) but it is a valuable service you are providing to his growth and independence.</p>
<p>I think Tapper’s post (#10) is absolutely invaluable, full of good advice and wisdom. And if you can guide your boy to undertake some of the steps that she outlined, he will be able to help himself out of some of his sadness which will be the best of all possible things.</p>
<p>In the meantime, just hang in there. You’re doing great, and your strength is an example to us all.</p>
<p>Good luck Debate Mom! It took months to be sure that boarding school had been a good choice for my daughter, though the time course of her discontent was more like Tapper’s, and therefore easier for me as a parent than what you describe. I know a student who was perhaps more like your son: desperately homesick initially, requiring intervention from the counseling office, much attention from prefects and advisors. He ended up being the most happy, enthusiastic and successful student you could imagine (though the adjustment wasn’t instantaneous). You and the school are doing all the right things, so hang in there! Hopefully things will improve soon.</p>
<p>Hello!</p>
<p>I am not familiar with your son’s situation (why he wanted to go to boarding school, what the school offers him, what his other options for school are at home, and if you can get a refund at this point in the semester…), BUT: my stepson attended a BS for four years and every year, a few boys went home within the first month or so. It just wasn’t for them – it never got any better for them. They were not happy from day one.</p>
<p>Now, of course, this is not an absolute and some boys do get homesick and then find their group or activity, but not every child adapts quickly. I am not sure what your son’s experience is with being away from home, but I do not think summer camp is quite the same as BS. There are lots of demands on their time and lots of stress (good and bad).</p>
<p>Will you not see him until December?? I must have misread that!</p>
<p>I see no point in making him stay. Really.</p>
<p>Try to keep perspective. Your son is having an especially panicky period of homesickness. But one of the core reasons he’s at Boarding School is to gain the very self-confidence and independence that he doesn’t have today. Allowing him to give up so early would forever set in his mind the belief that when it gets tough or uncomfortable, it’s ok to bail. As time passes, he would also come to be embarrassed by this failure and embarrassed by himself. It may be hard on you, but you’re making the correct long term decision for him by not caving in the face of a short term problem.</p>
<p>This crisis will correct itself, I promise. It took me a whole year before I started to feel comfortable about boarding school - and then I loved it, absolutely loved it. My son was never homesick at all. Everyone’s different. But all of us need to feel good about ourselves and one of the best ways to achieve that is to know that you overcame your fear about something and made it on your own. Don’t take that away from him!</p>
<p>Everyone here has been giving amazing advice- def listen to it. My brother has a similar situation last year when he started at BS-- my parents told him that if, at Christmas, he didn’t want to stay, they would talk about it. That is far enough away so that he can’t try and make himself miserable until that time (or if he does, it can’t last), but near enough so that he doesn’t have the whole daunting, endless stretch of year ahead. My advice: listen to all this other wonderful advice, go with your gut, and hang in there. Good luck-- I really feel for your situation!</p>
<p>I know that when I felt homesick, one thing my mom told me that made me feel better was “We wouldn’t have sent you if we didn’t think you could handle it”. Knowing that my parents believed in me really did make me feel better. Talking on the phone really doesn’t help either because hearing the familiar voice of a loved one can only make you miss home more.</p>
<p>Another thing that might make him feel better is not having any free moments in which to call you. Is there an older student that can link up with him who can invite him to hang out or study together during the free periods? Being constantly busy and surrounded by new friends will definitely help him keep his mind off of home.</p>
<p>Thanks again to all of you. This truly is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. S called yesterday before dinner with the usual of coming home. Wanting a plane ticket by Wednesday. Then he went to dinner and didn’t call immediately afterward which was a good sign. </p>
<p>He sent an e-mail with a link to a cell phone that he wanted us to get because there is no signal for his current carrier. In my mind I immediately thought that he must be planning to stay if he wanted a cell phone. I e-mailed back that the phone he picked out was a bit pricey and he should continue to research. I also threw in a few specific questions about classes and dinner and roommate and he sent this long - NORMAL -HAPPY-TYPICAL email back. No different than had he been sitting on the sofa talking. He is such a funny kid and he had his normal jokes through out the e-mail. He said he ate about 1000 Milano cookies and feels “a little better”.</p>
<p>All is not perfect. He did call 10 minutes before study time and ask if we could just consider talking about him coming home during parents weekend. I told him we would only talk about it if the issue wasn’t coming home because he is homesick. If he had valid reasons for wanting to come we would talk. I consider Monday a success - he went from coming home Wednesday to talking about it at the end of October.</p>
<p>Wow debate mom you’re doing great! Stay strong! </p>
<p>Did you read the article on the cc home page about 5 tips for people sending their child to college? It’s pretty much the same advice on this thread but it might be good to clip to your fridge or show your hubby in a quick format.</p>
<p>Hang in there DebateMom! You are doing great. Don’t worry, these schools know what they are doing, and are helping your son. I would consider NOT changing cell phone plans- instant cell phone “lifelines” home a couple of times a day are probably contributing to homesickness.</p>
<p>So sorry for you and your son’s adjustment reaction. One thing that jumped out at me was that he started calling you while you were still in the hotel room. That certainly would not be enough time to find out that he didn’t like the kids, the school etc. If he initially was ok, and then had issues, well I might want think more about what was going on. I can totally understand a reaction of shutting down and wanting to flee. Of course, only you know your son, but I suspect that if you were ok with sending in the money and thinking the school was good for him, that it is just a difficult transition. </p>
<p>I think it is hard to find friends fast etc if you are not naturally very outgoing and socially skilled. High school is when one develops such skills, and it is not the case that everyone is so sophisticated and socially skilled like kids on tv shows. Let the school professionals be your guide here up to a point. They have a lot of experience. But remember in the end, only you really know your son, and you will have to figure out what really is causing his feelings. BTW, what’s a few dollars more for the cell phone??? ;)</p>
<p>Things are better already!! And to think Sunday I was tempted to load him up in the car and bring him back home. He called last night and we had a fantastic conversation. Did not mention once about coming home or a plane ticket. Since he has been in 1st grade after school everyday we would talk about 30 - 45 minutes about his day. I would start with the first class and go through every class, lunch, friends, etc. I can honestly say that I was going to miss that time. Last night the phone call was just like old times. I asked about each class and he would tell me his opinions of the work, teacher, classmates, etc. It was all positive. We laughed so much because he would throw in little jokes. </p>
<p>S also gave me a list of things he needed me to send. That is a great sign that he is adjusting.</p>
<p>Debatemom - So glad to hear that your son is happier and adjusting. Sounds like you two share a great relationship!</p>
<p>Fantastic. Someday he’ll probably be able to look back at his early rough patch and joke about that too. Be prepared for little setbacks as the work gets harder, the weather gets colder or he just has a bad day, but the trendline is defnitely going in the right direction.</p>
<p>As has already been noted care packages are a great pick-me-up. It’s wonderful that he’s asking you to send him things. Not only does that mean his mind is on staying rather than leaving, it gives you a chance to add something special to each package - a batch of cookies to share with the dorm, a DVD of a favorite movie he can play with friends, etc.</p>
<p>Wonderful news!</p>
<p>Thank you for taking the time to fill us in here on CC. I know I’ve been thinking about you and you son over the last couple of days. How nice to hear that he has turned a corner and is laying plans to stay, rather than go. Good work!</p>
<p>Yea!! I am so happy that your son is feeling better about his school and life away from home. Congrats!</p>
<p>Just when we think we know our kids, they do something we didn’t plan for. Our family heads to BS in a little over a week and this story helped me reset expectations–the experience is bounded to be filled with ups and downs and the road will not be linear. This story was a great eye opener for those of us heading for schools in the next couple of weeks. Thanks DebateMom and keep us posted. BTW, who was the most “on the scene” contact for you at the school? We live very far from BS and want to develop a relationship with one who can give us some feedback from time to time.</p>
<p>Glad to hear things are turning positive. I suspect the subject of coming home won’t even come up during the October Parent’s Weekend.</p>
<p>Make sure to hang around here for a year or two (or like me 3 or 4) and be ready to share with next year’s homesickness episode.</p>
<p>Thanks again to all of you. I couldn’t have gotten through this without the support of this board. I’ll be thinking about all of you in the coming weeks as you take your children to BS.</p>
<p>Erlanger - the go to person for us was the Assistant Dean of students. He is amazing. I do believe that he sent out an e-mail to every one that he knew would be in contact with my son. Everyone from the cafeteria ladies to the bookstore manager to dorm parents in other dorms have rallied around my son. </p>
<p>I will say I have been a bit lonely today. No phone calls and only one e-mail that said he successfully washed his clothes. He made a quick call last night but couldn’t be bothered to talk long because he had a Table Tennis game waiting for him. He already has plans for the weekend. Oh yeah, the important thing - he doesn’t have to make his bed unless he wants to.</p>
<p>I know there may be some ups and downs for the next few months but right now things are looking really good.</p>