Please help me with this essay!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello everyone!</p>

<p>This my personal statement that I churned out yesterday. I would greatly appreciate comments and constructive criticism. I know that the ending is cliche, what I can I do to make it more original?</p>

<p>The prompt I chose was: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.</p>

<pre><code> The doorbell rang incessantly. The rest of us in the room looked at each other with a confused stare – the door was already wide open. Glancing over, we saw Kennedy walk into our apartment with a curious look on his face. “Why does it make that sound when I press that?” he asked us. We all responded by letting out a heartfelt chuckle. I explained to him that pressing the little button is usually used to signal to the residents living inside that there is a visitor waiting to be greeted. “Ah, that’s tight!” he replied while smiling. He had never seen such a device in his hometown of Tafuna, American Samoa. Although it may have seemed to be just a frivolous difference in the two cultures, it was one of many moments at NASA SHARP that allowed me to experience firsthand the richness of diversity.

Twenty of us flew into LAX airport, all from a different part of the United States or one of its outlying territories. The first night, we played a game where each of us sat in a chair and were asked questions that ranged from favorite sports teams to professional goals. I participated intently in the game, asking as many questions as I could to learn more about everyone. It became quite clear to me that although there were differences in background and ethnicity, we had many interests in common. I was to realize that the disparities between us were not a barrier but a catalyst for meaningful and enriching interaction.

From each, I learned something different that I could take back and keep as mine forever. Fozoh taught me how to solve a rubik’s cube. Tiffany gave me music that they listened to down in Mobile (She told me it was properly pronounced “Mobeeele”), Alabama. Andrea described life on a Navajo reservation and debunked many myths that I had. Kennedy told me stories of how he could string thirty or more coconuts together back in Samoa. Jasmine even allowed me to try one of her special Puerto Rican fruits that she had brought. I, personally, cooked authentic Chinese fried rice for the others and explained many times that we say “pop” instead of “soda” in the Midwest.

Together, we would often stay up at late at night. With some chips in one hand, we would discuss issues that we felt were pertinent to us, teenagers. My views often clashed with others’ as we debated topics that ranged from politics to food. My reasoning was challenged by the others, as they pointed out flaws in my logic. It was all lighthearted and fun at the time, but I look back with a sense of nostalgia. The environment that existed at NASA SHARP broadened my point of view and caused me to reevaluate my stance on certain issues that I took for granted.

For eight weeks, I lived amongst each of them and developed a deep respect for the eclectic community that surrounded me. Coming from a homogenous suburb in the Midwest, I was in awe as I bonded with each and every one of them. It is this attitude that I hope to bring to Yale – perhaps not by cooking fried rice for everyone but by having an open mind and an avid determination to embrace the power of diversity.
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2

<p>I liked the essay a lot. If you had space you could expand on why your views clashed with those of the other participants....but only if you have space.</p>

<p>Or leave as is. It is a good essay.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for your response achat. I agree that some parts were a bit vague (not enough showing, too much telling)... I'm still thinking of ways to change it without going past the word limit too much (I'm already 55 words over, eek!).</p>

<p>I'll update this when I edit the essay a bit more.</p>

<p>Please, any suggestions/comments/etc. are greatly appreciated!!</p>

4

<p>I like the essay, too. Here are some suggestions for minor emendations to the first paragraph.</p>

<p>The doorbell rang incessantly. The rest of us [We: the rest of whom?] in the room looked at each other with a confused stare [in confusion] – the door was already wide open. Glancing over, we saw Kennedy walk into our apartment with a curious look on his face. “Why does it make that sound when I press that?” he asked us. We all responded by letting out a heartfelt chuckle. I explained to him that pressing the little button is usually used to signal to the residents living inside that there is a visitor waiting to be greeted. “Ah, that’s tight!” he replied while smiling. He had never seen such a device in his hometown of Tafuna, American Samoa. Although it may have seemed to be just a frivolous [trivial] difference in the two cultures, it was one of many moments at NASA SHARP that allowed me to experience firsthand the richness of diversity [of the participants].</p>

5

<p>Thanks marite for your excellent suggestions. Anyone else please! :)</p>

6

<p>I changed a bit:</p>

<pre><code> The doorbell rang incessantly. The rest of the NASA Sharpies (as we like to call ourselves) and I in the room looked at each other in confusion – the door was already wide open. Glancing over, we saw Kennedy walk into our apartment with a curious look on his face. “Why does it make that sound when I press that?” he asked us. We all responded by letting out a heartfelt chuckle. I explained to him that pressing that little button is usually used to signal to the residents living inside that there is a visitor waiting to be greeted. “Ah, that’s tight!” he replied while smiling. He had never seen such a device in his hometown of Tafuna, American Samoa. Although it may have seemed to be just a trivial difference in the two cultures, it was one of many moments at NASA SHARP that allowed me to experience firsthand the richness of diversity.

Twenty of us flew into LAX airport, all from a different part of the United States or one of its outlying territories. The first night, we played a game where each of us sat in a chair and were asked questions that ranged from favorite sports teams to professional goals. I participated intently in the game, asking a plethora of questions so I could learn more about everyone. It became quite clear to me that although there were differences in background and ethnicity, we had many interests in common. I began to realize that the disparities between us were not a barrier but a catalyst for meaningful and enriching interaction.

From each sharpie, I learned something different that I could take back and keep as mine forever. Fozoh taught me how to solve a rubik’s cube. Tiffany gave me music that they listened to down in Mobile (properly pronounced “Mobeeele”), Alabama. Andrea described life on a Navajo reservation and debunked many myths that I had. Kennedy told me stories of how he could string thirty or more coconuts together back in Samoa. Jasmine even allowed me to try one of her special Puerto Rican fruits that she had brought. I, personally, cooked authentic Chinese fried rice for the others and explained many times that we say “pop” instead of “soda” in the Midwest.

Together, we would often stay up at late at night. With some chips and cookies in one hand, we would discuss issues that we felt were pertinent to us as teenagers. My views often clashed with others’ as we debated topics that ranged from politics to movies. The other sharpies challenged my reasoning and logic. It was all lighthearted and fun at the time, but I look back with a sense of nostalgia. The environment that existed at NASA SHARP broadened my point of view and caused me to reevaluate my stance on certain issues. The beauty of our differences is that it allowed us to have such different perspectives and intellectually stimulate others with our own thoughts and ideas.

For eight weeks, I lived amongst each sharpie and developed a deep respect for the eclectic community that surrounded me. Coming from a homogenous suburb in the Midwest, I was in awe as we bonded. It is this desire to connect that I hope to bring to Yale – perhaps not by cooking fried rice for everyone but by having an open mind and an avid determination to embrace the power of diversity.
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<p>569 words, is that ok?</p>

7

<p>A few more emendations. You could look at other paragraphs and see if you can trim further here and there.</p>

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8

<p>I'm not the one to ask, but I would like it if you could change this, its VERY cliche:</p>

<p>Twenty of us flew into LAX airport, all from a different part of the United States or one of its outlying territories. The first night, we played a game where each of us sat in a chair and were asked questions that ranged from favorite sports teams to professional goals. I participated intently in the game, asking a plethora of questions so I could learn more about everyone. It became quite clear to me that although there were differences in background and ethnicity, we had many interests in common. I began to realize that the disparities between us were not a barrier but a catalyst for meaningful and enriching interaction.</p>

9

<p>That paragraph reminds me of the common "I went to a 3rd world country and realized that despite our differences, we were similar in so many ways"</p>

10

<p>athlon, u're a last minute guy too right. Is this the common app essay?</p>

11

<p>ilcapo: Yeah, I realize that it's a bit cliche, but I'm hoping it did answer the prompt.</p>

<p>davidrune: Yep.</p>

12

<p>Alright it's at 517 words, after some more trimming and following Marite and SBmom's suggestions. THANKS SO MUCH, you parents are truly amazing:</p>

<pre><code> The doorbell rang incessantly. The rest of the NASA Sharpies (as we like to call ourselves) and I in the room looked at each other in confusion – the door was already wide open. Glancing over, we saw Kennedy walk in with a curious look on his face. “Why does it make that sound when I press that?” he asked us. We all responded by letting out a heartfelt chuckle. I explained to him that pressing that little button is usually used to signal to the residents living inside that there is a visitor waiting to be greeted. “Ah, that’s tight!” he replied while smiling. He had never seen such a device in his hometown of Tafuna, American Samoa. Although it may have seemed to be just a trivial difference in the two cultures, it was one of many moments at NASA SHARP that allowed me to experience firsthand the richness of diversity.

Twenty of us flew into LAX, all from a different part of the United States or one of its outlying territories. The first night, we played a game where each of us was asked questions ranging from favorite sports teams to professional goals. I participated intently in the game, asking a plethora of questions so I could learn more about everyone. It became quite clear that although there were differences in our backgrounds and ethnicities, we had many interests in common. I began to realize that the disparities between us were not barriers but catalysts for meaningful interaction.

From each sharpie, I learned something different that I could take back. Fozoh taught me how to solve a rubik’s cube. Tiffany gave me music that they listened to down in Mobile (properly pronounced “Mobeeeele”), Alabama. Andrea described life on a Navajo reservation and debunked many myths. Kennedy told stories of how he could string thirty coconuts together back in Samoa. Jasmine even allowed me to try one of her special Puerto Rican fruits. I, personally, cooked authentic Chinese fried rice for the others and explained many times that we say “pop” instead of “soda” in the Midwest.

Together, we would often stay up at late at night. Over chips and salsa, we discussed issues that we felt were pertinent. My views often clashed with others’ as we debated topics ranging from politics to movies. It was lighthearted and fun at the time, but now I look back with a sense of nostalgia. The environment that existed at NASA SHARP broadened my point of view and caused me to reevaluate my stance on certain issues. The beauty of our differences is that it allowed us to have such different perspectives and intellectually stimulate others

Over the eight weeks of the NASA Sharp program, I developed a deep respect for the eclectic community that surrounded me. Coming from a homogenous suburb in the Midwest, I was in awe as we bonded. It is this desire to connect that I hope to bring to Yale – perhaps not by cooking fried rice for everyone but by having an open mind and an avid determination to embrace the power of diversity.
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13

<p>"The environment that existed at NASA SHARP broadened my point of view and caused me to reevaluate my stance on certain issues. "
Change 'caused me to' to 'made me'.</p>

<p>"From each sharpie, I learned something different that I could take back."
Remove 'that I could take back'; it is not necessary.</p>

<p>Btw, 517 words is not bad. I think plus or minus 10% of 500 is fine.</p>

14

<p>Bump! Thanks again achat. I'm afraid it's there's too much "tell" and not enough "show" in this essay, what are your thoughts?</p>

15

<p>I honestly liked the essay. I was thinking of what I would say to make it better, but I just like it as is. I think you were honest, straightforward and it was appealing how knowing people from other parts of this country and outlying territories helped you. It is a great statement on your understanding of diversity. You sound like a great candidate. Good luck!</p>