Please Read and Comment on My College Essay!!!!!

Applying to College
1

Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?

A Chance Encounter

Him. Unnoticed by common bystanders, but apparent to me. He sat there, chilled, soaked with the black tears of the sky. His face was scarred by bloody pain and agony, and yet his eyes shown with a white vibrancy. The eyes. It was as if I stared into a lantern, illuminating a dark landscape, stirring emotions that can only be characterized as awe.

I met him at the corner of 42nd Street and Mockingbird. He was covered in bags, and sat on liquefied cardboard. He held a sign, unintelligible by viewers as its words were washed away. A putrid scent drafted towards my nose, tickling the disgust I tried to hide as I gazed upon him. Everything about him screamed, “stay away,” but I came to him, as if drawn by the strings of fate.

Questions filled my throat, threatening to escape as we looked into each other’s eyes. I attempted to speak to him, but I received no response. Lost, confused, I began to secede at the apprehension, but before I moved, he made a gesture. It was a slight movement towards his mouth, outlining his shut lips, relaying a message through an unspoken language.

He was mute.

At the comprehension of this message, I began to tear. He smiled unabashedly and shook his head. He held out his hand and I reached out to grab it, feeling a reassuring pressure from him. All I could manage were three words. “I am sorry.” Three unintelligible words. An expression that could never amount to the anguish that was trapped underneath his skin. He stared up at my embarrassed gaze and smiled warm-heartedly. Not artificially, but full of appreciation. I smiled back awkwardly, and found myself quieting at his heed. I found myself looking into his eyes and seeing my reflection mirrored back. It is astounding to see yourself from another perspective, warped by their influence. I found myself staring into this image of me, as if hypnotized.

I sat there with him for approximately half an hour. During this time, nothing was spoken. Words, it seemed, hindered conversation. The eyes were the gateway to understanding. They were full of meaning, wisdom, and character. They replayed a lifetime through their bright color. The hardship, the lifetime of sorrow that he faced did not define him, but instead made him stronger. It was at that moment, staring into my reflection in his gaze, that I realized something. I am not defined by the cards that life dealt me; I am instead shaped by what I make of them. If throughout my life I let things such as failures halt my endeavors, I allow myself to be weakened. Only through optimism and resilience am I to succeed, and to live my life to the fullest.

Any help is appreciated. I will comment on your essay too if you would like. PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!!

2

Ok, you need to take this down before someone completely copies it. If they do and you turn in this essay, you’ll be accused of plagiarizing and you’ll be rejected immediately.

Take it down, and go to the College Essays sub-forum and ask people there, and give them the essay to reputable posters through email or private message only.

BTW, I am far from an expert on college essays but hopefully I can give you a tip or two before you take it down.
Basically I think you need a more concrete example. So if you met this guy and you learned how hardship makes you stronger, you have to have something to actually show that you had optimism and resilience. It seems that the guy you met had optimism and resilience but the essay is about you.

Briefly talk about your encounter with him and talk about an event in which you endured through the hardship and how that experience allowed you to fight through difficulty and succeed.

3

Right,^^ … I am not defined by the card that life dealt me… is your topic. This is suppose to be about you.

4

yet his eyes shone with a white vibrancy

I think the prompt is asking for more of a… “conflict” was a good word, something that you had to resolve.

Overall, it’s definitely an… engaging read for such a seemingly mundane experience. But I’m tempted to give this essay the side-eye, because you seem a little overly sentimental about this event. Did you really sit for half an hour either staring at or contemplating the man’s eyes and all that they told you about his anguish, but also his resilience, wisdom, and character? What did you do after? Did this ignite a passion in you to help the homeless, or were you just satisfied with the life lesson got out of that encounter?

Also, the lesson you learned, that you are not defined by your failures, has that had any impact on you before this encounter? In what ways?

I’m personally of the belief that you don’t have to be dramatic to tell a good story, and that it sounds a little implausible when you try to extrapolate too much off of a small moment. I have an eye for that, because I did the same thing in my Common App essay back when I was applying. It was kind of similar to yours, also about an obstacle, namely that of gaining the courage to teach a crowd of kids at an outdoor Bible club. You would’ve thought that my whole destiny was resting on that moment, lol #-o

5

The essay deals way too much about the guy and less about you. This a common failing in these type of essays where people must write about someone else.

Also I personally feel you are taking too much control of the experience through your writing. Idk if that is clear, but I guess you are trying to convey what you saw in this man versus what the world would see in this man. The problem with that is that you are projecting too much on the experience instead of showing how the experience changed you.

For example “An expression that could never amount to the anguish that was trapped underneath his skin.” I don’t think you know this for sure. Instead through what you wrote it is as if you are speaking for this person and it doesn’t come off as genuine.

6

It basically comes off as you took a deaf man and then projected all your ideas and writing onto him so you could make an essay out of him. I don’t see any context as to where you could ascertain the conclusions you reached.

7

I think I echol what everyone else says.

Sure it is a good place to start from but this entire thing could be cut down to about a third of what you currently wrote. Add some insight into that, HOW did that affect you/ change you?

Instead of using flowery language (although it is a good writing style) to impress the admissions, use those details to make that encounter meaningful.