PLEASE HELP WITH COLLEGE ESSAY

College Essays
1

<p>Prompt: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve
it. Did it change you? If so, how?</p>

<pre><code> My eyes struggle to open as my alarm begs me to get out of bed with its various beeps or honks or blink 182 songs depending on the day. I roll my shut eyes, hoping that somehow this was the key to make it stop, and when it doesn’t work I pull the covers over my head and try to drown out the noise. I refuse to listen, but it persists, I tell it that I know it means well but I can’t wake up and act like nothing’s wrong again, I can’t get up and fake a smile and pretend everything is okay anymore. I am in a long term, very serious relationship…with depression.
She wraps her arms around me as I struggle to get out of bed, “stay here with me” she says, I slowly sigh as I lose another battle and fall into her as she swallows me up. I wake up again, my alarm reads 7 o’clock, I groan as I get out of my bed and step into the shower to get ready for school, I still smell like her; like feigning happiness, like crying every night, like the world is going to come crashing down around me at any moment. I get dressed and we go downstairs together, my stomach grumbles but she tells me that I don’t need to eat, I had a bite of a sandwich just yesterday; I guess she just likes me skinny. We walk to school together, and she’s with me all day, and talks to me the whole time; it makes my friends feel left out so we’re not too close anymore, it’s just her and I. I feel like we’ll always be together—that there’s nothing that can separate us, but lately I’ve been thinking about being more independent. I think about waking up in the morning before my alarm rings. I think about actually feeling full again. I think about being…happy. Our relationship has been kind of rocky, we’ve been on again and off again for more than a year, but I tell her that it’s for the best, I don’t need her anymore—and I’ve never looked back.
Nearing the end of my freshmen year and throughout my sophomore year of high school, I was faced with depression. Although it was a very difficult and painful experience, it was also a very rewarding one. By going through this tough time I was able to grow as a human being and maintain a positive outlook on things. I was able to focus better, get much better grades, and maintained a closer relationship with my friends and family. I learned that though life may bring pain….(didn’t know how to end).
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<p>I feel like I need a better conclusion on this one as well, sorry for the double post. Thank you in advance and Happy Thanksgiving!!</p>

2

<p>This is wonderfully written. The only problem is that your essay revolves too much on your depression, and not enough on how you overcame it. Your conclusion needs more, if you get what I am saying. Since your story is mostly about “her”, perhaps you could elaborate more on why you chose to overcome this obstacle since your transitioning sentence is just “but lately I’ve been thinking about being more independent” </p>

<p>And also some parts of your essay is quite cliche, such as “Although it was a very difficult and painful experience, it was also a very rewarding one.”</p>

<p>I really do think this is a good essay though. If you want to touch up on it a little bit and send it to me, I’d be happy to read over it again.</p>

3

<p>Hello! I’d really like to take up your offer for you to read it again. Thank you so much! Posted below is a final draft of the essay, but I can’t decide which conclusion better fits the prompt, I would love a second opinion.</p>

<p>My eyes struggled to open as my alarm begged me to get out of bed using its beeps, honks and Blink-182 songs. I rolled my eyes, hoping that this would somehow make it stop. When this did not work, I pulled the covers over my head and to try and drown out the noise. I refused to listen, but the sound persisted. I told my alarm that I knew it meant well but that I could not wake up once again and pretend everything was fine. I was in a long term, very serious relationship with depression.
She wrapped her arms around me as I struggled to get out of bed, “Stay here with me.” she whispered. I slowly sighed as I lost yet another battle – I fell back into her as she swallowed me up. I woke up again and my alarm read 7 o’clock. I groaned as I got out of my bed and stepped into the shower to get ready for school. Following my shower, I still smelled like her - like feigning happiness, like pillows stained with tears, like the world was going to come crashing down around me at any given moment. I got dressed and we went downstairs together. My stomach grumbled, but she told me that I did not need to eat; I had a bite of a sandwich yesterday and she liked me skinny. We walked to school together, and she accompanied me all day. She talked to me constantly, and I had started to notice that my friends were no longer close to me. It was just her and I. I felt as though we would always be together, that there was nothing that could separate us.
Before I knew it, happiness felt unfamiliar–laughing or taking pleasure in hobbies seemed like celebratory moments. The only joy I felt was in remembering warm memories. My memories seemed like a time of paradise, a time I was trying so hard to experience once again. I became obsessed with any flashes of the past, trying so hard to remember who I was before I met my girlfriend. These thoughts gradually overwhelmed me, until my courage finally broke through. I started to realize how infatuated my girlfriend really was with me—I had become a servant firmly in her grasp. I wanted to wake up to my alarm, I wanted to feel full again, and I wanted to create memories of paradise instead of remembering them. I vowed at that moment that I was done with this relationship. My breakup with her was extremely difficult; I did not quite know how to let her go. However, I was resilient and determined; I did not need her anymore—and I have never looked back.</p>

<p>1ST CONCLUSION
Towards the end of my freshmen year and throughout my sophomore year of high school, I battled depression. The experience made me realize life is about perspective – that we as human beings do not appreciate what we have until it is taken away. We are often the biggest obstacles to what we truly desire. I now consider happiness to be a responsibility instead of an expectation. Pursuing passions and hobbies, creating and maintaining friendships, and standing up to adversary are now actions that I will not take for granted. Although I am no longer in a relationship with depression, I will never forget the milestones it has helped me achieve.</p>

<p>SECOND CONCLUSION
Towards the end of my freshmen year and throughout my sophomore year of high school, I was battled depression. The experience so desperately made me crave happiness and peace, and I now realize how sweet those feeling are. I have learned that much of life is about perspective –we appreciate what we have until it is taken away. Throughout this time, I have appreciated happiness, grown as a human being, maintained a positive outlook on my surroundings and experiences even in times or sorrow or pain, and pursued my passions and dreams. Although I am no longer in a relationship with depression, I will never forget the milestones it has helped me achieve.</p>

4

<p>Certain topics might not be the most appropriate for a college application; depression is one of them. My personal opinion is no, as student can always find another topic that can showcase their best traits. Read and decide for yourself…</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2008/05/01/should-i-mention-depression-on-my-college-application”>http://www.usnews.com/education/articles/2008/05/01/should-i-mention-depression-on-my-college-application&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Best of luck!</p>