PLEASE REVIEW my friend's essay?

I’m through my application. I have a friend who is a last minute moment in applying to colleges. LOL. He send me his essay (I think it’s explicit but missing something) but I think that CC’s posters and comments are a better guidance.

BTW: He said ignore grammar and punctuation mistakes because it was sent from his iPhone.

Common App: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, please share your story.
"One would claim that a child who endures A life filled with misery ,resentment,and bights of disappointment;would find the rejuvenating enlightenment conveyed at the end of this cave impossible to grasp . What if that child secretes intellect , nicety, resolve ,and resilience?What if the immutability of his perceptions became malleable? And a hunger to become a connoisseur manifested . Could his endeavor be projected? I stand here today unbroken and unscathed by the interminable adversity carved on my skin -these tribal like tattoos do more than define who I am ,they tell my story … My 7th grade science teacher once told me "shoot for the stars ,to fail in pursuit of them ". That simple quote had a domino effect that rippled throughout my every step toward education . I dreamt to attend Harvard ,but failed to understand the importance of discipline . I was determine to engrave my print so deep into this rock, that it’ll overshadow every known intellect before me ;but my thoughts and ideals spoke louder then my consummations . It wasn’t till the end of my eleven grade year that I notice I was inconsistently shooting for Clouds ,and Failing in pursuit of them. As I looked down at my feet , I noticed I remained stagnant in this cave . That the rejuvenating enlightenment i wished to grasp still remained the same distance away . All this time I’ve been building every adjective imaginable to enable me to walk towards that breathe of fresh air. With every step the intervals amid them shorten ,And the fire burning deep within my soul propels me onward-A resolve. A passion .A fire parallel to Ben Carson complemented by the determination of Mandela.

Sent from my iPhone"
-Bray

I don’t get it. His life is broken because he didn’t get accepted into Harvard?

Anyways it’s a poor essay. Too depressing and sad. Essay needs to be inspirational and uplifting. Needs to show good qualities in a STUDENT. Like passion for learning (and not just getting As), good morals/character, actions that improve the community, school or help peers, etc.

Bump

BTW, he has access to this link or thread and checks it frequently.

Personally, I don’t see how his essay answers to the prompt. I fail to comprehend what he is trying to convey. The essay is supposed to bring out one’s unique qualities and/or experiences and his diction is too pretentious. Try using less “big word”, and less personifications, analogies and metaphors. They confuse the readers. Use more first person pronouns. The essay should be about you. Try not to use a quote, unless it inspired you in a tremendous way. I used a quote that was painted on my middle school’s wall as the starting sentence of my essay. That quote had a personal impact on me and my entire essay was about that, so it was ok to use it. Don’t use a quote just for the sake of using one. Lastly, this essay seems really short, it should be about 500 words.I suggest your friend to pick another prompt if he cannot write a good essay on this one. Best of luck to him.

~ShiningOrange~