Please Score My Essay :D ?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Heya, I'm still a little rusty in writing these essays, unfortunately I haven't done too much practice in the essay department for a while, but I am planning to write 2-3 essays each day until the next SAT. Fortunately I am an excellent essay writer when it comes to IB essays and such, but for these I have hours and they are different from the SAT essays. So I've done one just now, and I'm not entirely happy with it - I completely forgot about variety of sentence structure (and I haven't read it back yet, so I don't really know if I fulfilled that criterion) and I believe that I could and should have used more high-vocab words. Oh well, it's the first one in a while and hopefully it's not THAT bad lol. Anyways, here it is...</p>

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<p>Prompt: Do we really benefit from every event or experience in some way?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>--->We can benefit from every experience; no matter how good or bad it seems to be, an event will always have a lesson to teach us. Both history and literature are full of examples of occurrences that, while at a cursory glance seem to have no bright side, end up bearing educational morales for us to learn and heed.</p>

<p>--->The assassination of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin in 1995 was one of the most tumultuous events in Israeli history, yet it served as an important lesson that protects and unites Israeli citizens to this day. In November 4th 1995, Yigal Amir, an Israeli right-wing radical, murdered one of Israel's most revered Prime Ministers in front of the whole nation on live television. The assassination resulted in a pandemonium which' uproar still echoes in the Israeli political arena. However, the grief over Yitzhak Rabin's death united the Israeli citizens and the occurrence itself caused a vast improvement in security measures taken around the country. Hence, a horrendous event that shocked a whole nation still caused an improvement in national security and brought the people of Israel together: two things Israeli citizens benefit from to this day.</p>

<p>--->Like history, literature provides an abundance of stories that tell how a seemingly unfortunate event can have educational value and can even bring joy to one's life. In Khaled Hosseini's novel 'The Kite Runner', Amir's unloyal actions, while hanting him for most of his life, introduce him to a young boy who he eventually adopts and loves. In his childhood, Amir betrayed his best friend Hassan by framing him as a pilferer. This incident unleashed a chain reaction of events that ultimately lead to Hassan's death. Yet almost thirty years later, Amir returned to his hometown in order to correct the wrongs he has done in his youth. In his hometown Amir met Sorhab, Hassan's only son, who he rescued from verbal and sexual abuse. With time, Amir and Sorhab grew close, and Amir eventually adopted Sorhab as a son. Therefore, Amir's unloyal actions toward Hassan and Hassan's death lead to a loving father-son relationship between Amir and Sorhab.</p>

<h2>--->After examining Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin's assassination, and Amir's betrayal of his best friend in the novel 'The Kite Runner', it is clear that every incident, no matter how horrible it seems at first, can lead to something beneficial. Indeed, every coin has two sides; we just have to learn to look at the right one.</h2>

<p>So... 2 whole pages in the SAT booklet. (-3 lines)
Maybe my handwriting is too big lol...</p>

<p>Please let me know what you think this essay could get on the actual test.
I'm going to research some more examples (I found that my list of examples doesn't cover prompts about creativity and heroes very well) and hopefully I'll write another essay which I will upload later.</p>

<p>Thanks to the graders in advance :)</p>

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<p>let me tell you a secret, collegeboard doesn’t read the essays and I can prove it.</p>

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<p>can you pm your proof? I find this very hard to believe</p>

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<p>Please, grade my essay.
Don’t tarnish the thread with irrelevant jokes or whatever.</p>

<p>I am aware though, that the graders only have about a minute to read the essay, which is not much time.</p>

<p>Anyways, please don’t veer off topic. Please, someone grade my essay - I’d like to know what I should work on improving.</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

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<p>10-11 for the grade. might want to elaborate on the exmaples a little in the intro, and expand ur argument in the conclusion. YOu had a few spelling mistakes.</p>

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<p>Heya, thanks for grading my essay college kid.</p>

<h2>Here’s another one, I’d be extremely grateful if someone could grade this one.</h2>

<p>Prompt: Is the effort involved in pursuing any goal valuable, even if the goal is not reached?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>The effort involved in achieving any goal is imperative, sometimes even more than the goal itself. Often times, people pursue goals that seem, to them, out of reach. However, the attempts in reaching those goals usually assure those who tried that they had done all they could, while people who choose not to try are often haunted by the possibilities of “what might have been” for the rest of their lives. Literature works, such as ‘The Kite Runner’ and ‘Blood Wedding’, provide examples to support this view.</p>

<p>The actions of Leonardo and the Bride (nameless) in the critically acclaimed play ‘Blood Wedding’ by Federico Garcia Lorca show that in some cases the efforts involved in reaching certain goals are considered more valuable than the goals themselves. At the night of her wedding, the Bride decided to elope together with her forbidden lover Leonardo. Well aware that this would unleash a pandemonium in their society and may well lead to their death, the Bride and Leonardo decide to run away and get married regardless. The fact that, despite the knowledge that their marriage may never happen, the lovers still risked their lives shows that, to Leonardo and the Bride, the effort itself was more valuable than the actual goal: their marriage. Had they not tried, they would have regretted it for the rest of their lives.</p>

<p>In contrast to Leonardo and the Bride, the protagonist of the novel ‘The Kite Runner’ by Khaled Hosseini, Amir, came across an opportunity to achieve a certain goal but her passed on it. He regretted it for the rest of his life. In his youth, Amir betrayed his best friend Hassan by framing him as a pilferer. Of course, Amir regretted his actions almost immediately and wished he and Hassan would return to be friends. However, Amir sat idle while Hassan was punished and eventually expelled from the community in which they both had lived. This incident has haunted Amir for years and lead to abrasions between him and his father, and to a lack of confidence of Amir in himself. Had Amir at least tried to reconcile with Hassan, he would have known that, no matter the outcome, he did all he could, and the effort itself would have left him in a state of peace and certainty.</p>

<p>To conclude, after examining the works ‘Blood Wedding’ and ‘The Kite Runner’, it is clear that the effort of pursuing a goal is often more important than the goal itself. The effort and the act of trying can put a person in peace and assure him/her that he/she has done his/her best. Indeed, while Leonardo and the Bride from ‘Blood Wedding’ may have died, they would have done so in peace. In contrast, Amir from ‘The Kite Runner’ never forgave himself for not trying, and the lack of effort on his part remained an indelible stain in his mind.</p>

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<p>Please let me know what you think - what I should improve and the grade this essay would get. I know this is not the conventional way of answer this question, as most people would probably answer by saying that the effort provides education and helps avoid mistakes in the future. Still I don’t think there’s anything wrong with answering it the way I did.</p>

<p>Anyhow, thanks again for all the prospective graders and, if you haven’t yet, you could take a look at the first essay I submitted, too.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot :)</p>

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<p>A few mistakes…</p>

<p>the topic clearly states whether the effort involved is valuable if the goal is NOT reached. Your thesis doesn’t seem to entirely comply with this…Your examples would be great if your thesis was based on the topic itself. I’ll still give you a 9-10.</p>

<p>Also try to take topics from diverse fields…not just literature</p>

<p>BTW I wrote the SAT in June and this was the topic I got. I ended up getting 10 on the essay and 800 in writing (2290). I wrote about the Wright bros-how the kept failing over and over again-but their failure only helped them gain experience and they finally ended up succeeding. </p>

<p>Other examples are Thomas Alva Edison and Charles Goodyear</p>

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<p>I see…
Do you think that if I added these 3 sentences my score would improve? (and by how much)</p>

<p>-In the introduction indicate that “the attempts made the people feel in peace with themselves even though THE GOALS WERE NOT ACHIEVED” (or something to that effect)
-Added the information that Leonardo was killed but the Bride could live with herself because she at least tried - even though she didn’t actually marry him at the end
-Amir’s goal was to be friends with Hassan again. His goal was not reached because he didn’t attempt to reach it. (hence the goal was not reached)</p>

<p>Do you think that if I made this point, about the goals not actually being met, my score would improve? To what score?
What do I have to do in the future to make this a 12 essay?</p>

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<p>Please guys, the SAT is coming up and I need to know what I’m doing wrong.
I already got a 10 on my last essay (5 and 5) but I want a 12… In my opinion, the essays I wrote here are much better than the one I got 10 for in the real SAT.</p>

<p>Two of my essays are here - what do I have to do to get a 12?
I acknowledged the fact that a) I needed to elaborate a bit more in my intro and conclusion, I tried to do that in the second essay. b) I had to make sure I explicitly mentioned that Leonardo and the Bride and Amir did not reach their goal - first because they couldn’t, second because he didn’t try.</p>

<p>But generally - what am I doing wrong? What should <em>I</em> do to get a 12? I looked at the “how to write a 12 essay in…” thread, I think I did what it said…</p>

<p>Not sure…
Any advice will be greatly appreciated!</p>

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<p>• The United States, the first great democracy of the modern world, is also one of the best examples of a success achieved by studying and learning from earlier failures. After just five years of living under the Articles of Confederation, which established the United States of America as a single country for the first time, the states realized that they needed a new document and a new, more powerful government. In 1786, the Annapolis convention was convened. The result, three years later, was the Constitution, which created a more powerful central government while also maintaining the integrity of the states. By learning from the failure of the Articles, the founding fathers created the founding document of a country that has become both the most powerful country in the world and a beacon of democracy.</p>

<p>this is an example of a body paragraph from sparknotes that easily deserves a 12.
NOtice: the specific dates and events. U should try and use one history example to incorporate some dates in theree. Some nice vocab like “beacon of democracy”. Last sentence exlicitly connects example to prompt.</p>