<p>Hi,
I would like someone to grade my daughters essay - do i post here or PM it to one who agrees?
please let me know.
this is her first essay written for SAT and I need constructive criticism</p>
<p>many thanks,
a</p>
<p>You should post it here.</p>
<p>yes thank you!!
will take a few minutes to type it up!!!</p>
<p>a</p>
<p>the prompt:
Many persons believe that to move up the ladder of success and achievement, they must forget the past, repress it, and relinquish it. But others have just the opposite view. They see old memories as a chance to reckon with the past and integrate past and present.</p>
<p>Adapted from Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot</p>
<p>Assignment:</p>
<p>Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present?</p>
<hr>
<p>Memories are crucial in helping people succeed in the present and future because one can learn from past mistakes Several examples from history indicate the tendency of man to relive events and refrain from repeating them</p>
<p>In Ayn Rand’s classic, The Fountainhead, Peter Keating, one of the main protagonists, constantly uses his memories of the past to improve his way of life. He tries to learn from his mistakes and as Sara Lawrence lightfoot said in her book, ‘I’ve known rivers’, he integrated past and present.
Another example of the importance of memories can be taken from my life. As a member of the school basketball team, I’ve played many matches in numerous tournaments. One notable experience was when we were a point down against a ticking clock and I’d just received the ball. As was my style, I raced down the court, all set to take my Lay –up. But a distant memory of a similar event came to mind, along with the unfortunate reminder that I’d lost the ball. I decided to pass the ball to a waiting teammate, hoping to learn from earlier mistake and it was successful. Thus memory served to aid me in my game in a positive way.
After a careful analysis of Peter Keating and myself, memories are indeed a crucial part in the journey of life. To merely lock them away would be detrimental to one’s own growth and development as an individual.</p>
<p>Please grade this!!
I want an an outside view - just the “mom” view will not work 
thanks in advance!!</p>
<p>a</p>
<p>It certainly answers the question, but it’s not outstanding - I would give it an 8.</p>
<p>I would suggest using another piece of evidence and elaborating more on the first more. It’s easy to elaborate on a personal experience, but the first piece of evidence is too general and it needs to be explained more. She should be more specific in that regard.</p>
<p>Thank you very much!
I was thinking the same - but has more weight coming from you</p>
<p>thanks again!!
a</p>
<p>The essay looks a bit too short. Try to make it at least 4 to 5 paragraphs, with clear introduction and conclusion paragraphs.</p>
<p>The introduction is pretty short (your daughter should try and expand some more without overdoing it or wasting too much time), the book example is not developed nearly enough (it’s way too short, and there is not enough explanation of the book and how it relates to the quote), and the personal example is fairly shallow, lacking depth (The past is ever-so-crucial because it helped win a school basketball game? Surely there are much stronger, persuasive examples). AND there’s no conclusion. To be honest, I would give this essay a 5 out of 12. </p>
<p>I got an 8 the first time, and one of the reasons I lost points was, I’m 99.9% sure, that I didn’t have time to write a conclusion. My essay was also cut short because of time. My second essay I got a 10, and I had written all the way till the last line given was filled. And I was able to write my conclusion. I also spent the majority of my time developing each example.</p>
<p>Sorry to be critical/harsh. Just my opinions. I’m no expert essay writer either, but these are my suggestions.</p>
<p>2/12. *Too short
*No critical thinking
*Bad points.
*No composition.(Introduction, Point 1,2,3 conclusion)
*No transitions.</p>
<p>[Another example of the importance of memories can be taken from my life. As a member of the school basketball team, I’ve played many matches in numerous tournaments. One notable experience was when we were a point down against a ticking clock and I’d just received the ball. As was my style, I raced down the court, all set to take my Lay –up. But a distant memory of a similar event came to mind, along with the unfortunate reminder that I’d lost the ball. I decided to pass the ball to a waiting teammate, hoping to learn from earlier mistake and it was successful. Thus memory served to aid me in my game in a positive way.]</p>
<p>Using of “I” isn’t good. You must make examples from books or TV shows or something.
For example, insed of “I” you could made fiction of some author or book about your example.</p>
<p>^This essay is weak but far from a 2/12. You saying this essay has no critical reading and bad points is actually hilariously ironic. Suleyman95, it’s time to stop posting.</p>
<p>Overall this essay lacks clarity and development and would receive 4-5/12.</p>
<p>It’s way too short. But not a 2/12 Suley. And yes, it’s awfully ironic that he’s critiquing the essay of others in broken English.</p>
<p>^
First- I’m not “Suley.” I’m Suleyman.
Second- it’s 2/12 - my opinion.</p>
<p>What do you want from me? It’s my opinion 2/12 and that’s it! You may aggree/disagree it’s your considerings, but my opinion it’s 2/12 and I won’t change it.</p>
<p>I obviously know that your user name is Suleyman95. But it’s a common internet practice to shorten the username to make it quicker to type. Do you really take it offensively if I call you Suley? Really? Because that’s pretty pathetic. Also, a 2/12 is ridiculous. You also thought that the SAT was administered through the computer. You barely speak English and have no experience taking the SAT in person. So I’ll stick to my point that the only way to earn a 2/12 is to write a terrible 2 or 3 sentence essay. Good day.</p>
<p>
Quoted for truth.</p>
<p>
You are entitled to an opinion, however ridiculous it may be, but given the lack of experience and sound judgement in your opinions, you should refrain from sharing them.</p>
<p>Sharing with opinions isn’t illegal-first
My first SAT will be on 9th of October, I’m rising 10th grade out of 11th-second
English isn’t native language- third
Russian is native language -fourth
I don’t see any “ridicilous issues” in my score. Well, you may disagree.
And bad score it isn’t something like “insult” or “failure”, bad score it’s encoragement for future learning. For example my first Essay was 2/12, but now (with amazing suggestions of my dear friend) I improved to 8/12. So, Good Luck !</p>
<p>I see your four and raise you three more.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I specifically said you are entitled to an opinion, can you even read?</p></li>
<li><p>You have yet to take the SAT, so you must be qualified to assess an SAT essay. (Sarcasm in case you can’t tell.)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>3&4. And this is relevant…?</p>
<ol>
<li><p>2/12 is a ridiculous score for this essay. I challenge you to find just one SAT marker that would agree with your assessment. Please refer here for a marking rubric: <a href=“http://pwhs.ucps.k12.nc.us/documents/newsat_scoring.pdf[/url]”>http://pwhs.ucps.k12.nc.us/documents/newsat_scoring.pdf</a></p></li>
<li><p>A bad score may be in some twisted state of mind an encouragement, but where in your post do you offer ANY constructive criticism.</p></li>
<li><p>You have yet to take the SAT, so how can you qualify your improvement in essay writing?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I posted my essay here. It was 8/12. So, what you are trying to say? I made my score. That’s it. Keep your thoughts with you. The author if this essay asked to score it. So I scored it as I considered right. So, take it easy. You are trying to change my score? Ok, image I scored 12/12, what does it change? nothing. If I would make a good unreal score to support writer, it won’t be good. Why? Well, because writer will stop improving his/her english. Therefore, I scored low to encorage the writer to make it better.</p>