So funny I had to share. I have one son who is getting a PhD in math and when ever he is frustrated or worried about his future he talks about quitting and just playing a guitar and doing art. My other son is about to graduate with his Masters in Music in July from Berklee’s Global Jazz and last night he talked about being frustrated with music and possibly pursuing a career in Science or Finance. Sigh…nobody is happy…everyone is frustrated. Some of it is just the state of the world we are in and their own feelings about being powerless to make the sort of change they want to make.
Sounds very age and situation appropriate. Transitions can be scary. I do think all young people need a steady hand and blind faith from their parents at this stage. When they lose faith you have to have it for them. I happen to like change and find it exciting…my husband not so much. Your sons have been successful in difficult programs…they will certainly find their way…with a lot of complaining to mom…that’s what moms and dads are for. If I’ve learned one thing about my D being away…it’s that I often get dumped on and hear how horrible things are…and a day later she barely remembers the conversation but I’ve laid in bed all night worrying. Oh well…
My wife usually gets the angst, but yep, it is part of the picture. My S just graduated from NEC, now going on to Rice for MM, and he has a lot of that, looking back and saying “maybe I should have gone elsewhere”, wondering if his teacher was the right person, all kinds of things…and then wondering if he made the right decision with grad school, wondering if he chose the right program, teacher, etc…and I am sure when he graduates, there will be more of this.:).
Ah, yes… mine just finished his freshman year at Berklee. Things I’ve heard said these two weeks since he’s been home:
- “I’m thinking of reapplying to Juilliard”
- “I probably should’ve gone to the New School”
- “Why didn’t I apply to MSM?”
- “I can’t wait until next year… so excited… it’s gonna be GREAT”
I still do that.
I think Stacjip’s story is amusing, with the music son wanting STEM and the STEM son wanting music, in their alternate dreams. The grass is always greener but when two kids in a family are looking over the fence at each other’s yards, it is more interesting. I am sure they are both going to thrive in their chosen fields of course…
bridgenail and others…I wish it was just dumping that my boys are doing. But alas I also think they are both thinking about the state of things with the world, the planet and trying to figure out how to navigate forward. As our son said last night, it is maybe better to go into finance and try to get as much money as possible so that you can then make a difference, as that is what seems to matter. From where they sit there is many reasons to feel discouraged as the arts and science are both under attack.
musicprnt Congratulations to your son on going to Rice next year. Houston will be a real change from Boston. A friend of my son from his lab just moved to Rice/UT for his post-doc.
StacJip, we need to bring back the royal courts. Money, adequate money that is, seems elusive in the arts right now, it’s true. My musician kid sometimes talks about being a guidance counselor!
compmom, I’ve been joking with my S lately that he needs to find a patron. If I had the means I would hire him and a few of his friends to be my own personal chamber musicians and I would have them just playing throughout the day when I’m home and they could look for other gigs to build their careers.
Exactly a patron or a rich spouse!!
I know I’m late to this thread, but thought I’d offer my perspective as the parent of a musician a year out from graduation.
The good news is that my son is doing what he loves to do - indeed, doing what makes him who he is - and earning enough money doing it to support himself. As a parent, it’s hard to hate that.
But it’s clear that it’s not and will not be an easy path. My son has been lucky in that he has about a dozen students, whom he likes and who provide a steady base of income, and has enough irons in the fire that he’s performing for pay almost every day. There are days when he has two, or even three, paying gigs. Still, there’s no security to it. “Regular” gigs never last, he’s always hustling, and it can be exhausting.
He’s already seeing some of his musician friends veer off the music path to take more secure and better paying jobs. Though not all of them. He’s appreciating more the cliche that people have always told him - that he shouldn’t try to make a career in music unless he can’t imagine doing anything else. His stock reply has always been “I can’t imagine doing anything else”.
He’s established himself to an extent that makes me comfortable that he can make this work. (Not that it’s my choice at this point in any event.) He doesn’t need to be rich. He does need to make music. I feel lucky that I’m able to go to a fair number of his gigs. And that he’s happy - happier it seems than his music friends who are veering off into more conventional pursuits.
There is little doubt in my mind that this is the right path for him. But I also have renewed appreciation for the “don’t do it unless you can’t imagine doing anything else” cliche. If it’s not your passion, your love, the obstacles and the degree of difficulty will likely wear you down sooner or later.
I know there are other parents of professional musicians on the board - would love to hear about your kids’ experiences.
My daughter talks about having a lot of children. I think that the discussion changes once our young musicians have families. I know several people who do make it work, following music while raising kids. But all those evening gigs take a toll in terms of time spent with children, and a nearby grandma sure does help!
My D and her boyfriend have, so far, worked out a balance that is good for them. He is a biochemical engineer at a computer company of some sort and she was a teacher but is now in customer support at an educational tech start-up. They play gigs every so often, busk together on occasion and have recently begun opening up their apartment for concerts that are arranged by an online group. Part of the deal is that they get performing time so it brings them a new audience each time. They have done it twice already with great success. I don’t foresee either of them giving up their day jobs for full-time music but my D at least, will always have music as a large part of her life.
Angst is part of the process of almost anything, and when you are dealing with the challenges of music (or any art), it is not surprising there is a lot of angst out there. A kid graduating from a top school, who is going to a top grad program, knows that at the end of that 2 years, no matter how well they are prepared, they face a rough sled in music, however they wish to do it. If they decide not to make music a full time vocation, they have to figure out something else, if they do make it full time then they have to flesh out what they already might have thought of, getting gigs, auditioning for orchestras, whatever that is. I can’t speak for other kids, but it also is hard as they graduate from undergrad music, they see their contemporaries seemingly moving into the ‘real world’ while they are still wading through music (perceptions may not be reality, but are just as powerful, if not more so). My S has friends who went to one of the big Ivie’s just up the road, so to speak, from the school he went to, and they are landing jobs and so forth, and he is in the music world of going directly to grad school and doing the usual summer music festivals, and at times he has expressed negative feelings about that (of course, what he doesn’t see is the many kids who graduate from an academic school and don’t know what to do, either, they take whatever jobs they can get, struggle to figure out what to do, wonder if they did the right thing, etc…but the grass is always greener:).
Many may also feel privileged and fortunate to be in a grad program, if funded, still doing what they love, while classmates enter the workforce.
“Angst is part of the process of almost anything”–
Thank you, musicprnt, for saying this. #:-S