<p>I bring a slightly different perspective to this discussion. I am the child of survivors of the Holocaust. I would consider the website and the link to it a red flag. It is unwise to think that this is something the roommate will "outgrow". Nor do I think that "civilized and enlightened discussion" will cause someone to re-orient his views. (Would that be a reasonable same opinion if the website were racist & the OP's son black?) </p>
<p>Most colleges have an anti-harrassment policy and would consider anti-Semitic websites to violate that policy. How did you find this website and its link? If the roommate sent it to your son, I would worry and would consider it potential harrassment. In any event, as a preventive and protective measure, I think that someone in authority needs to know about it. </p>
<p>And I disagree that you need to "let your son handle it." Your son is young and does not yet understand. Just as I would move to protect my daughter from an abuser and not "let her handle it", I would move to protect my son from an anti-Semite.</p>
<p>I'd agree that "debating" or arguing with the roommate might not be a good idea. As a student, I want a roommate I can be friends with, or failing that, at least comfortably live with and keep up a polite and respectful relationship. I don't think I could manage that with someone like you described, and I'm pretty tolerant of differing views. I wonder if your son didn't see this boy's website and think "wow, what fun! a debate!" and forget about the living together in close quarters, maybe sharing TV, trying to coordinate sleeping patterns and study habits, etc--Also sharing wall/door space could be a problem. (my brother's roomate kept putting up NRA/Bush posters that he didn't approve of) I love to debate too, but it isn't easy to debate with someone quite that bigoted without getting angry. </p>
<p>I'm not a parent, and I don't know if I'd want my parents to interfere if I was in a similar situation, but...I wouldn't want to be stuck living with the kid. Is there any way your son could meet him before college starts, and sort of check out the situation?</p>
<p>You're being (probably very correctly) oblique and general with information about the future room mate. Naturally you don't want to give away private information about you or the room mate but not knowing many things makes it difficult to give decent advice. </p>
<p>When you say the links are to anti Semitic sites, do you mean pro Palestinian (which some left wing or well meaning liberals sympathize with) or Aryan/white supremicists or foul but kitschy "Protocols" sites? If the first, then unfortunately your child may find a lot of that these days. You may want to think about getting your child a copy of Dershowitz's "The Case for Israel". Does the room mate say or clearly imply to what degree he agrees with the sites he links to? Is there any chance whatsoever that you're misreading the reason for the links and he doesn't really agree with them?</p>
<p>Has your son corresponded/spoken to him, in general and about these? </p>
<p>And last...if you are Jewish, of color etc. rather than just outraged about a person like that, it that might make the living situation way more difficult and or intolerable. BTW, perhaps when/if the room mate learns about your son he won't want to room with him either. Maybe if they communicate and the subject is raised, the room mate (or heaven help us... the parents) would be just as happy to having the living arrangements changed.</p>
<p>naturally I was assuming it was the second situation. The first would not be called bigoted or anti-semitic, unless written in a bigoted or anti-semitic way, and then would fall to the second category. Political differences: fine. Hate Web Sites: Not.</p>
<p>ctymomteacher - I am torn between two thoughts. One, that the type of links you mention are abhorrent and that the type of person who would link to them could be, as some have said, disturbed. The other is that teens can be into "posturing" and presenting a more "out there" persona than what they really are, especially on the web. Being torn, I think I would watch the situation, try to get a little bit of the lay of the land yourself during move in. </p>
<p>I think I might suggest my son phone the future roommate and have a conversation to determine: was this an instance of stupid juvenile posturing or was it real bigotry?</p>
<p>I'd say, "Hey I saw your website-- some of it was a little off-putting. For example, the links to the "X" site... see, I'm Jewish. Is that a problem for you?"</p>
<p>See what the kid's reaction is. It could range from "oh man, how embarrassing, that link was there to tweak one of my friends... I apologize..." to "Yeah, big problem--I want a different roommate."</p>
<p>There is no way to know whether or not a switch should happen until you check out who this roommate really is. If he is approachable on this issue I don't see why he wouldn't be approachable on the phone. If he's not approachable, CIAO.</p>
<p>I think your concern is warranted. I can also imagine my son taking a similar position. I think, though, that someone who espouses extreme ideas on a web site (or links to them) has a whole host of complex motivations for being attracted to such ideas, and is likely not open to logical, persuasive argument/debate. That is what I think your son does not understand...this is not the same thing as having a spirited political debate with someone who simply has a different point of view.
I think you should try to suggest to your son that this behavior on the part of the roomate may well tell more about him than just some abstract intellectual ideas...rather, it likely reflects on other aspects of his personality. Your son is very unlikely to find a receptive partner for discussion, and is more likely to find himself rooming with someone who can make him uncomfortable in many other ways. So, perhaps trying to help your son picture more than just the intellectual debate, but rather what kind of person this may be, might make your son rethink his position.</p>
<p>I recall from last year that Newmassdad's D was assigned to room with a girl who did not just have very different political views but seemed to delight in posting provocative sayings on the whiteboard intended for people to leave messages. While NMD's D struggled to get along with her roommate, eventually other students found she had written homophobic comments in some blog; the RAs had some discussions with the girl. Eventually, she moved out and NMD's D was left in sole possession of the room, if I remember correctly.
The point, I think, is that the issue goes beyong CMT's S's level of comfort. The anti-Semitic comments of the students should be made known to the housing authorities of the college.</p>
<p>Honestly, for me, adapting to college life was hard enough. It would have been a heck of a lot easier had I known in advance, had my parents been advocates (or at least helped me think straight), had the dorm advisors been more forthright about what was acceptable, etc.</p>
<p>So....sigh....as much as I wouldn't want to be involved...much as any of us would likely not want to be involved...and much as we all would like to think our kids are ready to take charge....there really is no reason your son should have to live with this - a publicly stated sentiment (I presume the roommate sent the links?) And I can imagine my d. - she'd object vociferously for two days after I contacted the college housing coordinator and demanded a change....and she'd thank me profusely later.</p>
<p>Above all - whether you intervene or not - I would NOT trust the college, any college, and regardless of their stated policies, to intervene "cleanly" in these matters later. Too many fine colleges with terrific resources and great stated policies have fumbled with racially and ethnically charged incidents of late - I think the norm is that, generally speaking, they can be counted upon to handle it poorly.</p>
<p>This situation really disturbs me.. (as we get ready to send S off to college) I'm sure every school has something similar, so this will not surprise anyone, but here goes anyway:</p>
<p>
[quote]
Rights and Responsibilities</p>
<p>Every Tulane student has certain rights and responsibilities defined by the Code of Student Conduct. As members of the residence hall, students have additional rights and responsibilities that come with residing in a living and learning community, including:</p>
<pre><code>* The right to study in one's room free from unreasonable interference. One of the basic purposes of Tulane University is to learn and apply knowledge. Unreasonable noise and other distractions inhibit the exercise of this right.
* The right to sleep in one's room and the right of access to one's room during the time period when the residence hall is open.
</code></pre>
<p>** * The right to live in an environment free from any form of harassment or intimidation, including but not limited to racial, ethnic, sexual and/or sexual orientation harassment.**</p>
<p>College life was made tough on me with bad roommate and little cooperation from RAs. I had police involved after my things stolen. Not until rm/mt left did I ever get to use the room in peace, and that was 2nd semester. I tried tolerance. Looking back, I sure wish my parents had interferred.
College is hard enough, and dealing with racial and anti-semitic prejudices in close quarters is no fun. I'd have S challenge this kid NOW, and possibly come to an agreement to live together or not before heading off to school.</p>
<p>I shared this situation with my family at dinner, and everyone (H, 25 year old D who happened to be here, and 18 year old S who leaves for college in 3 weeks) all thought the parents should intervene, even though the student did not want his mother doing anything. (I may bring that up sometime with S when I want to intervene with him in something else!) But jokes aside, this is a serious thing and seems more and more problematic the more I think it through.</p>
<p>Perhaps use Donemom's suggestions to explain to your S why you feel you must intervene, and follow Marite's advice to alert the college. Can you ask your S to read some excerpts from this thread? Or to discuss the overalll situation with his friends? Perhaps his friends, like my S, would suggest he switch roommates, and he will be more able to hear that advice from them.</p>
<p>I wasn't sure if you were still checking this thread, but I had a few thoughts you might want to share with your son.</p>
<p>What about roommates friends? If they are like minded, it could get tougher to stand up, speak up and deal. One bigot is bad enough, but if roommate seeks out other like minded people, it could get very incomfortable.</p>
<p>And if roommate is vocal on campus about his beliefs, there can be a guilt by association.</p>
<p>Oh, yes, I am certainly still reading the thread. We just had to go out last night. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and want you to know that many of your thoughts have been my own. In fact, I am seriously considering asking my son to read this entire thread because of the fine way so many have articulated so much of what is bothering me.</p>
<p>I have in fact contacted some people at the school but haven't gotten far yet, if only to find out what policies are in place to correct any "situations" that might occur.</p>
<p>To be accurate in my protrayal of the situation, this roommate did not send my son the site I'm referring to directly, nor did he construct it himself. He linked to it from his own site, and he put a link to his site in The Facebook. Other inoffensive, simply political sites are linked to his site. (And someone mentioned that characterizing the kid's views as "wrong" might be unfair. If you could see this anti-semitic site, you would have no question about it. It claims all US presidents have been controlled by Zionists, and both world wars, as well as 9-11, were staged by Zionists. Sick paranoid stuff.)</p>
<p>I am trying to be as clear as possible, for the sake of my own thinking as well as presenting the situation here because you have all been so helpful.</p>
<p>Thanks to the open communication w/ your son this dialogue could happen. Be sure to reinforce the positive actions of your son.....let him know that even though you recognize his need to be independent that you will always be concerned for his safety. Remind him that someday in the short future he may have to answer for material posted for public view.....when entering the work force either private or gov't. Or as my mom has told me many times:: "listening is a skill you would do well to develop". I may not do everythings that she wishes but I do listen and take in much of what I hear.</p>
<p>citymomteacher
[quote]
The point is that my son is a very strong and independent adult and would be, as I said already, deeply offended at my interference.
<p>ctymomteacher:
My S was also recently paired with a roommate for the year. I share any mother's potential trepidation over this new "stranger" who will be living with my kid.</p>
<p>It is a struggle to discern when to intervene and when to let him handle things. However, I concur that if I had this knowledge about the website, I would not be silent. As so many others have more eloquently pointed out, this is certainly a red flag. </p>
<p>I once had a question re my son's college choice which I posed to the CC community. I received many thoughtful responses and I ultimately showed them to my son. They DID make him see things a little differently and I believe had an impact on his final decision.</p>
<p>I think your plan to show him this thread will be helpful in opening his eyes to the issues...especially because they come from someone other than you. However, even if that doesn't work, I'd still take action with the college and see about having his roommate situation changed.</p>
<p>Incidentally, several have mentioned the issue of "posturing". Particularly on Facebook, I think this is certainly a possibility. Nonetheless, it's too provocative even for the Facebook, in my opinion. </p>
<p>If it were me, I think I'd always regret not taking action. Even if it made me look like the bad guy.</p>