Potential roommate problem

Parents Forum
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<p>Your newest comment about him also putting the link in The Facebook is what took me off the fence in this scenario. Having a link on his website is disturbing enough, but with the ever growing popularity of The Facebook it appears to me that he is doing a bit more than posturing and is looking to align himself with others that share his views.</p>

<p>Have you found out how difficult the process of changing roommates during the school year is at the school in question as well as the feasibility? Additionally, don't forget the hassle factor of having to move out to a new room possibly even new dorm without the support system that would be in place at initial move-in. Generally the one issuing the complaint is the one who is asked to move, so the undesirable roommate is not going to be inconvenienced in this scenario.</p>

<p>I would think that addressing it now and requesting a new roommate before school starts would allow the year to begin in a positive fashion for your son and not become a disruptive force in the future. His desire to handle his own affairs is admirable but I'm afraid that perhaps his male machismo is also kicking in, along with his desire for independence. </p>

<p>The start of freshman year should be an exciting and enjoyable time not one fraught with confrontation from day one. Once the parental /domestic support system is no longer there such a highly charged situation could become very distracting and could potentially ruin his first year experience, even souring him on the school itself if their responsiveness to the situation doesn't meet his expectations.</p>

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<p>To be clear, the link in the Facebook is to his own site ON which is the link to the offending site.</p>

<p>The only info I've been able to get from the school is that my son would likely have to petition to change roommates himself. But then, I haven't done anything but ask what the procedure is. I will ask my son to contact the roommate himself and inquire further about procedures at school.</p>

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<p>give us the website.....we are all now caught in the suspense. [wish you could]</p>

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<p>Actually, I wish I could, too, only to share the jaw-dropping initial reaction I had to it...but I think that's against the rules here, isn't it? Anyway, if I posted a link, wouldn't I be just a guilty as he?</p>

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<p>It is just so unsatisfying to want to see all of the stuff......perhaps it is all shocking and be unable to. To have gone to the effort, to be recruiting like mined contacts/friends...so repugnant.</p>

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<p>CMT:</p>

<p>It is far easier to change roommates now than later, for all concerned, including the administration. Belive me, the red tape will be far less, since it will mostly involve plugging in different names rather than RAs, housing deans, etc... as would be the case if your S wanted to switch roommates or room once on campus.</p>

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<p>ctymom:</p>

<p>Fwiw, my D had a roommate from Hell her freshman year, and it made the year utterly miserable for her. Roommate problems should not be underestimated. However, you really do have to let your son handle the situation. You can advise him, but then, you have to step back and let him handle it. </p>

<p>This is the really tough thing about being the parent of a college student. They come up against some pretty difficult and serious situations. But, in most instances, the best thing to do is to let them handle things on their own. This is when the shaping of an adult begins. It happens through experience in the relatively sheltered, and somewhat skewed environment of college life. </p>

<p>If I were him...I'd zap the roommate an email and ask him why he has a link to that website. See what type of response comes back. That should tell your son a lot about the character of this guy, and it will send a message to the roommate that he could have a problem on his hands. It will also give your son something in writing from this guy explaining, in his own words, why he has a link to an anti-Semitic website on his homepage. That could come in handy, if your son wants to pursue it with the housing administration. </p>

<p>The roommate might decide that it's not worth it to keep something on his website that has already caused problems with the person he has to live with for the next year. Knowing the mentality of some 18-y/o male, recent h/s grads, it is possible that the roommate really isn't a bigot, and doesn't truly grasp the implications of linking to this type of website. Hard to believe, but some of them are that clueless. He might still be in immature high school mode, thinking that it somehow elevates him to defiant, in-your-face, macho status. </p>

<p>My philosophy with my two young adults is to stay two steps ahead of them, if at all possible. You could do some homework on your own and find out what the policy is on changing roommates. Let your son know in advance what his options are if the living arrangements become intolerable. It sounds like he has the mistaken impression that arguing with an a***ole roommate is going to be fun. It's not, but this might turn out to be a good thing for your son. He might learn something about arrogance, and the roommate might learn a valuable lesson about personal responsibility.</p>

<p>They're both guys, and chances are, they will settle down after they start classes. If they're anything like my son, they will figure out fairly quickly that it's too much trouble to keep arguing with each other when they can be doing other things (meeting college women, keeping up with homework & projects, signing up for ec's, going to prof's/TA's office hours, etc.).</p>

<p>Bottom line, you might be prematurely worrying about a situation that will work itself out between the guys. It would be prudent, though, to check out the housing policies ahead of time, and share this info with your ds. From a mom who's been there, the hardest thing to do is to get dump phone calls when things aren't working out exactly as they expected once they get there. All you can do, imho, is to help them flesh out their options, and then, let them decide the best course of action to take. ;)</p>

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<p>As to "posturing", what kind of kid would use such a site for just that? Says a lot about his character. As a teacher, I can tell you that there is NO debate with bigots. We get them not to voice their slurs, but believe me, they don't change. Sounds as though your son has never been exposed at close quarters to a true bigot, that your family and his friends are not of this ilk, so he really doesn't understand. We have a small element of "kickers" in our school, and attended a "kicker" funeral, where all the kids put chewing tobacco, cigarettes, etc., into the coffin as they paid last repects. These kids also all had the confederate flag on their pick-ups. There aren't many, but believe me, this is a lifestyle, not just a philosophy. And they don't discuss, or debate. They just look at you as if you are crazy, have no arguments and just walk away and snicker. My D thinks I interfere too much at times, but have really done a lot to let her be independent, even as to staying clear of college apps, etc., so that I wasn't even sure where she finally applied. But, I agree that you need to make your son see that this isn't a political discussion, but a way of life for this boy. Try changing that with a few words!? As to changes, now would be better - the school could handle it quietly, with a letter that they had to restructure some of the room assignments (it happens all the time) and the possible roommate need never know of this situation. And the school needs to know about this so they can monitor the situation with this young man. It's a lot easier now than later. My friend's son had a roommate that hurt himslef, and apparently had had previous psychiatric problems. After mom got involved, the S went to the Dean, since housing would do nothing, and the Dean called the young man in, and told him who, what, where and when, and id NOT remove the young man! Needless to say, he came back threatened friend's son, and then filed police charges against friend's son! It cost them immense amounts of $ to havethe charges dismissed, etc. For all their experience, schools don't always handle things correctly. Do it now, and avoid the "we have nowhere to put you" argument, and don't let things start with the thought that "we will get along, because I am tolerant, and we will discuss all this." Roommate is NOT tolerant, and will NOT want to listen. This will just cause stress, and an intolerable situation to live with.</p>

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<p>Exactly my thought, Evita.</p>

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<ol>
<li>Interference with the freedom of expression of others.</li>
</ol>

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<p>Doesn't matter what the policies are, or how well-meaning the administration is, or how much they have in the way of living community resources. They can pretty much be counted on to mishandle it once you set foot on campus.</p>

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<p>ctymom-- my freshman roommate was bi-polar and suicidal. My parents believed, "oh, I'm sure if it were as serious as you say the University would intervene". The RA claimed, "unless you can document illegal behaviour there's really nothing I can do". Psych services told me that I was entitled to therapy to help me deal with it, but that roommate had a right to privacy and unless she sought help they couldn't intervene.</p>

<p>I was 18 years old and naive and believed them; I failed a course Freshman year since I'd been up three days with no sleep during finals listening to her ranting and raving, and too scared to leave her alone. RA did nothing; dean of student life suggested that I call her parents and have them come and get her if she were really unraveling. I called parents; they said, "oh she always gets like that when she's stressed".</p>

<p>Oh how I wish my parents, or a dean, or the RA would have seen that I was unraveling earlier in the year and insisted on switching us. Hindsight is 20/20.</p>

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<p>I'll echo what others have said; its a sign of your son's youth and maturity to think that he could "reason" with a bigot. Debating them in public places is fun; living with one is not.</p>

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<p>mini....I posted the rule for it is clear from experience and all of the anecdotal tales here that a majority of folks believed their student would receive support, intervention and remedy......inform yourself parents for the university is not "acting as parent".</p>

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<p>Another vote agreeing with evitajr1 and the others above. Deal with it now. It will be harder to deal with it later. There is a big difference between roommates who don't get along and what your S has been handed. Call the university and provide specifics.</p>

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<p>My son has just read this entire thread and has decided to consider whether to pursue the matter directly with the roommate now (to find out how real and serious it is) OR with the uni housing people, not both, for obvious reasons. But he will do SOMETHING, thanks to you all. He has learned from you and will keep an open mind.</p>

<p>BTW, I have to say that none of us--my husband, my son, nor I--consider who is paying for what as having any bearing on whether we as his parents should have input into this situation, as some have suggested. We are a family, and that depends on love and commitment, not money. But I thank you ALL for your help.</p>

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<p>ctymom, can you give us an idea of the context of the link? I'm wondering, since you say that the other links were to sites that were to "inoffensive, simply political sites are linked to his site" -- were the other political links also tending toward right-wing views or perhaps pro-Palestinian views? or was a mix of liberal & conservative sites, perhaps focused toward those with a paranoid, conspiratorial bent? Was there any commentary on his site about the links?</p>

<p>I remember when my son was in high school and found the KKK site (or sites?) - he wanted to show me the sites and have me read them because of course he was horrified and wanted to show me what was being written and disseminated on the internet. It was a "know-your-enemy" kind of thing. Of course he didn't have a web site linking to them..... but I once started a "freedom of speech" page on a web site that had links to sites representing both sides of a highly charged, controversial issue. So all I am saying is that mere linking is not the same as advocating. </p>

<p>Sometimes kids link to sites simply because they think they are funny because the content is outrageous or stupid. Again, you'd probably have a clue based on the language on the site with the links, as well as the content from the other links. (If you want more input from me, please feel free to send me a PM on this - I'm sure some of the other posters on this thread would also be happy to give you more input in a way that wouldn't require you to publicly post the links).</p>

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<p>Nice idea calmom but in this case she has been abundantly clear regarding the way the link was posted and the material on the site. This is a serious issue and not one of misinterpretation.</p>

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<p>Hazmat, can you point me to the post that was "very specific"? I've just seen a whole series of posts from ctymom clarifying responses from others, who seem to have assumed that the offensive content was on the student's site (rather than the linked site), and that there were multiple links to offensive sites (rather than the single link in conjunction with links to sites with political but inoffensive material, as ctymom later posted). Hence my question.</p>

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<p>Calmom, it's post #35:</p>

<p>"If you could see this anti-semitic site, you would have no question about it. It claims all US presidents have been controlled by Zionists, and both world wars, as well as 9-11, were staged by Zionists. Sick paranoid stuff."</p>