I am frantic

Parents Forum
1

<p>Here's the deal, and I need some advice desperately.</p>

<p>I found an on line blog place that my son posts on. He has written some very personal and very alarming things on there. What's really stupid of him is that I have warned all of my kids over and over to NOT write things on line that they wouldn't want me, their father, or their grandmother reading. We had an ugly incident in our neighborhood where a mom found her daughter's blog and promptly pulled her out of her college and sent her to community college! So this is NOT news to my son and my kids know I google them now and then.</p>

<p>Anyway, I am reading about some very alarming behavior that occurred last semester and prior. Drinking excessively (even getting in trouble at school for it), gambling on line, highly inappropriate sexual behavior, and he sounds (at times anyway) very unhappy and lonely. He even writes about transferring to our state U - and I have NEVER heard that he is unhappy at his school. (His grades are pretty good.) </p>

<p>He attends a very well respected school. I know these behaviors occur at all colleges but frankly I just didn't expect them to happen with my kid at his college. (Naive, I know.) He is a very nice kid from a very strong family. He knows our values, but seems to have disregarded them entirely. </p>

<p>He is overseas until August, so I don't really have a good way to talk to him about this right now (which might be just as well). The obvious problem is how do I start the converstaion? What should I expect of him? How far can I push a 19 soon-to-be 20 year old? I am seriously upset enough that I am considering not paying his tuition bill. Some other thoughts might be to demand that he move into a quiet/substance free dorm hoping he'll make different friends. Should I demand to see exactly what he's been spending his money on? (And it is his money, not mine - except for his tuition and room and board, a big "except" of course.)</p>

<p>I don't even want to think about how this might go if I have to tell his father... </p>

<p>I feel sick. Why do smart, good kids make such dumb choices??? It's like they go off to school and forget everything they were ever taught. It's so disappointing. And for this I get to pay over $40,000 a year.</p>

2

<p>I would be honest with him and tell him that you read his posts. He made his actions/feelings public by putting them online, something you specifically warned him about. In this case though it may be a blessing in disguise as someone who really cares and wants to help him saw it. He can't be angry with you because you stumbled upon something so public. Hopefully it will open up the lines of communication, with you calmly telling him how much you love and want to help him. And with him realizing that he indeed needs to somehow change his ways, either with counseling, rehabilitation and/or transferring if he is truly unhappy at his school. I hope he'll talk to you about it, if not you maybe with the counselors at his school who are must be very used to these kinds of issues. Good luck, this may actually be a blessing in disguise.</p>

3

<p>I'm not sure I have any useful advice to offer, but I do offer my sympathy! This must have been an awful shock, and I can imagine how worried you are. My initial reaction was that he might be looking for help from you, if you've stressed that you and other family members are likely to read any online information.</p>

<p>It's probably good that you have an enforced period of breathing space. I would approach him by telling him that you've read the material and are very concerned, and ask him what you can do to help. If there is drinking and gambling involved, it seems to me that professional help is in order, and maybe you could do some research in the meantime to identify appropriate therapists or programs. He may very well be looking for this kind of help.</p>

<p>I don't think you should pull him out of his current school. It sounds like he is a freshman, and I don't think it's unusual for kids to have problems adjusting to freedom. But you might let him know that declining grades or any evidence of drinking, etc., will lead you to force a leave of absence, at least.</p>

4

<p>I'm not you, and don't know the situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt.</p>

<p>College kids drink heavily. Don't cancel tuition, don't force him to a substance free dorm. He will feel you are trying to control his life, and likely will lash out.</p>

<p>The point of college is to be out on your own, without your parents, and learn your lessons in the real world. I expect that your son will change his behavior as the excitement will go away, as it won't be as new or different. It sounds like he was a kid who wasn't testing the limits in high school, but now that he doesn't have them, is exploring. That is normal. Honestly, he should, and the faster he realizes that that isn't a great plan, the better.</p>

<p>Honestly, I think you should just let your kid go, until there is a tangible effect(bad grades and the like). Don't watch over him, he should be exploring in college. If you do take action - Call him now. Tell him that you saw these things, and think that he should know better, but will continue to support him. Do NOT bring money into this, and do NOT ask for some sort of oversight. Put it on him, he will respond better to being given trust rather than suspicion(which could be why he is lashing out now, but not my place to say).</p>

5

<p>I disagree that heavy drinking, gambling, and promiscuity are normal, acceptable behavior. A little experimentation is normal, but it sounds as if the OP's son has gone beyond that. I think he needs help.</p>

6

<p>I would take a deep breath.</p>

<p>You have several problems here. The first and least serious is that your son showed poor judgment by posting private thoughts on the internet. I would put this at the bottom of the list.</p>

<p>Secondly, the information on the postings may not be totally true. You can't 'unknow' something, but at least consider whether everyone would be better off if you didn't know. Think about how you can use the information in the most constructive way possible. These are the angst years and the fact that your son is outwardly doing ok in school is a good sign.</p>

<p>Your son is over 18 and legally an adult. The only leverage you have is the fact that he is financially dependent on you for his undergraduate tuition and R&B. I would use this leverage sparingly. Try to figure out how to use the information as constructively as possible, and perhaps you can be supportive in ways that you wouldn't otherwise.</p>

<p>Take a deep breath and don't do anything without giving it careful consideration.</p>

7

<p>If my parents and my friends' parents knew what we did in college we would have been disowned. We are all now successful, married, happy, and productive. And we are all still friends.</p>

<p>Your child is a (quasi)-adult. If he is doing well academically then his mental health is probably ok. Keep the lines of communication open, be there for him if he needs you, and let him make his own choices.</p>

8

<p>My sympathies are with you.
A similar thing happened to me several years ago when I accidentally discovered my older S's blog and found some of the things that you found with your S. I agonized for about a year about what to do and even ended up in the hospital with chest pain.</p>

<p>My advice is to talk to your husband as it would not be right to hide such important info from him.</p>

<p>If your S is doing OK in college, there is IMO no reason to pull him out (My S had dropped out of college and was living thousands of miles away).</p>

<p>What my husband and I ended up doing was writing a calm letter to S letting him know that we had read his blog. I don't know if this is what would be appropriate with your S, but I suggest that you talk to a counselor to figure out what's best for you. We did consult a therapist, which helped -- particularly in letting H and me know that what S was choosing to do wasn't our fault.</p>

<p>I really feel for you and I wish your family the best. It's a difficult situation.</p>

9

<p>Speaking as a father - inform the father.</p>

<p>I think everything needs to be laid on the table and discussed. You need to find out the truth. Your S's behavior could be worse that you realize but it might not be as bad as you think if he was doing a bit of exaggerating in his blog - something not unheard of.</p>

<p>If he's doing any of these behaviors at college and you're paying for the college then you have every right to set the ground rules and withold funds if he doesn't conform to the rules. Think it through to be realistic but you probably also don't want to be the enabler of some of this behavior - especially if he ends up hurting himself or others. </p>

<p>I wish you good luck with this.</p>

10

<p>I think many of the above posts made excellent points: information may not be totally true, son is an adult etc. That said, you do have my sympathy, and I do think the situation warrants action.</p>

<p>First, my kids would not forgive me for reading these posts. The fact that your son knew you read these boards says that you have a different situation than exists in my family, but some things are broadly true. I don't think it is ever a good idea to use money as a weapon or make a display of our power over our kids. Try to take the tact that he is hurting himself and take yourself out of the equation. You can't ignore the situation because there could be serious repercussions: health issues from binge drinking, massive debt and STD's. Therefore, some intervention is necessary, but do try to be an ally, not an adversary and express concern, not anger.</p>

<p>Perhaps some kind of professional counseling would be helpful here, or at least a disinterested third party to lend an ear and offer advise.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

11

<p>I wouldn't cancel tuition either, unless he is doing poorly academically. But I would definitely tell him that I read the stuff -- it is online, public, anyone could read it -- and ask him why he wants to make that stuff so <em>available</em> . And I would ask him if he thinks he might be happier in a different environment. He did express thoughts about transferring. Perhaps he feels that he needs a fresh start. It is likely, being brought up the way he was, that he is not happy with his behaviour either. </p>

<p>Is there an adult, not you or his dad, that he could talk to about what he is going through?</p>

<p>And keep in mind that this is the age when many people do things, get themselves into situations that they are not proud of, and yet, they are able to move on and grow up and become fine adults.</p>

12

<p>NYMomof2, where do you get promiscuity from this:</p>

<p>"Drinking excessively (even getting in trouble at school for it), gambling on line, highly inappropriate sexual behavior, and he sounds (at times anyway) very unhappy and lonely."</p>

<p>No parent wants to be confronted with their child's vices, but let's take a step back. As DSC posted, college students drink heavily. It's their job. It's also none of your business really if it's not under your roof. It sounds like the college dealt with it, as they should, and hopefully your son learned a lesson. </p>

<p>Next--gambling online. Your son is 18, yes? If so he's legally an adult and can gamble, watch porn, smoke cigarettes and do a lot of other things that are distasteful to you. Again, as the parent of a young adult, a little myopia and distance from what your kids are up to is not a bad thing. It is NORMAL for kids to experiment at "being bad" and it does NOT mean there is a developing problem. If he's gambling online all the time, there's a big problem but from your post we don't know if he tried it a few times or if it's ongoing, but to assume a problem from his internet posts is risky as he might be posting about something he tried a few times. </p>

<p>The third thing: again, sexual experimentation is NORMAL for college students and you have to trust that they have enough sense to use protection and give up worrying about it. Your adult child's sex life is just simply none of your business. You are supposed to pretend they never have sex and they'll do you the same favor. :)</p>

<p>DRB is right--and I'd suggest you quit googling your kids. It isn't really snooping, because they are publishing this on the internet for all the world to see, but it is sometimes better to "see no evil" for your own peace of mind. IF I were to say anything, I'd only speak to him about the risk of putting stuff like that out there publicly because it could bite him when he graduates--employers google candidates ALL THE TIME and often get an eyeful. Most recruiters also have Myspace and Facebook and access to other social networking sites and use them to screen candidates. You'd think kids would be aware of this but they don't seem to be.</p>

13

<p>It's good that you were able to come on this forum and vent. If you do decide to talk to your son about what you read, it will be much better to do so calmly, as a concerned adult in his life, not as an angry parent. </p>

<pre><code>Some of your son's behavior may be part of going through the normal throes of growing up in college; some may be excessive. The problem is, he's made it public to you and anyone else in the universe who can spell his name and use google search. How better to make this point than to have his mother bring it up? A discussion may or may not alter his behavior at school, but I would think he'll be a lot more careful about what he puts on the internet. Second, since you are aware of what he's expressed, you may as well bring up the issue of whether his college experience so far is worth the $40,000 grand a year you're paying. Maybe he should make his growing up mistakes at the less pricey state school. But again, I would discuss this with him as adult to adult, as though it were a practical matter, and not as an angry parent threatening to punish an errant child.
</code></pre>

<p>You may find that he's come to the conclusion himself that his next year at school has to be better and more productive.</p>

14

<p>Mombot, I was making the assumption that "highly inappropriate sexual behavior" meant promiscuity. You're right that this is a leap, and maybe something else was meant. </p>

<p>I like your suggestion, jazzymom, of asking in a matter-of-fact way whether his college experience is worth $40k. I think this is a much better approach than threatening to withhold tuition payments.</p>

15

<p>A number of posters make very valid points, but I'm of the same basic mind as jazzymom.</p>

<p>A couple of things I told my kids:
When they got their driver's licenses, I immediately told them that they were now licensed to kill, and to make that their foremost thought when they picked up a set of car keys.
When they turned 18, I said they will be treated as responsible adults provided they behaved as responsible adults while living on my dime and under my roof. </p>

<p>In reality, you cannot control his behavior. Yet, at 18, you are no longer legally responsible for his welfare. You ARE responsible if he is driving your vehicle, or possibly using your credit (or jointly held) cards for online gaming.</p>

<p>Additionally, if he's caught with illegal alcohol or drugs, who's going to pay the legal fees? I doubt it will be him.</p>

<p>While he is legally an adult, if you are funding his education, providing his transport and insurance, health insurance and a roof and food during the summers, as a responsible adult he should learn the necessity of compromise.</p>

<p>How would he react if he found pictures of his parents at an orgy on the internet? Drunk as a sailor on a four day leave? Drunk driving/drug arrest in the local paper? Soliciting a prostitute? Not paying the IRS? Unable to aid in tuition payments cause of a gambling addiction.... Go ahead, ask him. No need to be confrontational. I'll bet his answer includes the terms shock and disappointment.</p>

<p>It works both ways.</p>

<p>And quite simply, if it's your car and your insurance, his behavior is just cause for curtailing vehicular use immediately. You are also not required to continue you to fund his education.</p>

<p>I suggest you remind him of this if applicable.</p>

<p>OP wrote: <he's overseas="" till="" august="">. I have to ask how was this funded?</he's></p>

16

<p>K, the kid is getting the money for gambling,drinking, etc somewhere...cut of credit cards, etc...cause if they are in anyway tied to the OP, she can be liable for his debts, and why should mom pay for drinking and partying</p>

<p>Second, sorry I don't find gambling on line, drinking excessively, etc normal and okay on my dime</p>

<p>Sure there is that culture, does that make it okay?</p>

<p>If son has that extra $ to gamble with, then he can put that toward his tuition, simple</p>

<p>As well, some who brush this off as normal are missing te obvious- the addictive nature of the son's activities, and through in some depression and you have a recipe for disaster</p>

<p>SUre its his money, but its also your money, he seems to have enough to chip in toward his expenses and he is using your $ to supplement his partying lifestyle....</p>

<p>If he is so grown up and adult, shift some of that burden of room and board to him if he has extra to play with, which it seems he does</p>

<p>the gambling is what would set me over the edge..if he can afford that, he can chip in to tuition</p>

<p>to just go, well, gee, this is college, waste your $ while we just keep paying for everything else</p>

<p>so what he is 18, MOM IS PAYING FOR HIS LIFE...and instead of going mom, here I have money to gamble, I can instead be the grownup I am pretending to be and help out with real expenses</p>

<p>this half way stuff of "I am a grown up so can do whatever I want but you need to pay for it is garbage", especially when it comes to gambling and booze- should we supplement all the tacky things they do, no matter how old?</p>

<p>he made his life publc, and we can google whomever we want, you don't think a future boss will? what if son is applying for an internship and the future boss sees this PUBLIC blog, yeah, that's an attractive candidate</p>

17

<p>One other thing to consider - diaries and blogs are often exaggerated for shock value, or to put on the persona of a "bad boy" or just as day dreaming or fantasizing. I wouldn't assume that what he's writing about is all actually true.</p>

18

<p>Chedva wrote:</p>

<p><one other="" thing="" to="" consider="" -="" diaries="" and="" blogs="" are="" often="" exaggerated="" for="" shock="" value,="" or="" put="" on="" the="" persona="" of="" a="" "bad="" boy"="" just="" as="" day="" dreaming="" fantasizing.="" i="" wouldn't="" assume="" that="" what="" he's="" writing="" about="" is="" all="" actually="" true.=""></one></p>

<p>On the same token, one cannot assume that is not. The concern and disappointment of the OP still needs to be addressed, along with the merits of exposing one's self or fantasies on the internet.</p>

<p>It's not a case of kids do "stoopid" things. So do adults. By his own admission and mindset, he's an adult. </p>

<p>As such, accept the consequences.</p>

19

<p>and you know, its out there in cyber space...no taking it back, true or not</p>

20

<p>A couple of thoughts:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>He posted this on the internet. That's something of a cry for help.</p></li>
<li><p>If you go in here with guns blazing, you had better be 100% sure that whatever you are going to do will work, because it's unlikely you will ever again get an honest account of what's going on in your son's life. Let me suggest, as gently as possible, that there is NO course of action you can take that will address all his problems with 100% certainty. So, in your position, I would want to act in a way that encourages him to trust you in the future, and to open up to you and to be more honest with you now. That doesn't have to mean endorsing or enabling his bad choices, but it does mean toning down the outrage and humiliation a whole lot.</p></li>
<li><p>"He knows our values, but seems to have disregarded them entirely." I can almost guarantee you that that sentence is "off" in important ways. I don't think I have ever met anyone who disregarded his family's values entirely. Opposed deliberately: yes. Experimented with violating, and felt guilty: all the time. Applied in a slightly different way than his or her parents: all the time. Followed the real values, not the nominal ones: that, too.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>19-year-olds don't behave in particular ways because their parents told them it was right. They do what THEY think is right (although they are often confused about what the right thing to do is). </p>

<ol>
<li> I was also brought up short by the phrase "highly inappropriate sexual behavior". What could you mean by that? (Don't tell me!) Is he a serial rapist? Is he running a prostitution ring? Is he refusing to protect himself against STDs, and refusing to permit his partners to protect themselves? I'll bet it's not that bad.</li>
</ol>