Privacy and Blogs

<p>you'll get the hang of these boards pretty soon, don't fret. :)
what did she say when you spoke to her about it? tell her you're concerned about her safety... if she's so adamant about keeping her name on, then you have a right to tell her to remove the address. I agree - that's potentially extremely dangerous.</p>

<p>although we've always been pretty close and been able to agree to disagree, my D feels really strongly that she should be able to post whatever she wants and that no harm should come to her; i suggested she ask a professor if that's smart (or another trusted adult) if she wasn't inclined to agree with me.</p>

<p>That's a tricky situation, but I think that you have a right to make her remove the address. It's her safety (and possibly the safety of the rest of your family) that is in question. I don't know, maybe you should consult with other parents as well... see what they have to say about it...</p>

<p>well, it's her address at college that shows up and it's on a college web site (maybe i should contact the college about that - is that standard for colleges to post students phone #s and addresses?); and she says no one can get in her dorm without an id swipe card</p>

<p>Crimson, I'm not sure I understand what you see as extreme. That I wanted to check what she wrote before she posted it? Maybe. (Did you catch that part about her being 15? And inexperienced in using the web. I doubt she had ever considered that people might read it that weren't invited, until she started getting responses from strangers.) As I said, she now posts, I read later (often weeks later) with the understanding that if I catch something that shouldn't be posted, she'll edit it. </p>

<p>I send out a weekly email to friends in the states, and both my H and D proof it. I'm talking about them, I want to be sure I'm not offending them, or sharing secrets they don't want shared, or misrepresenting them -- you get the idea. </p>

<p>Anyhow, I don't mind being called extreme -- this isn't the first time. :) I'm just not sure what you object to. Especially given your support to Betty's posts about safety, etc.</p>

<p>I'm 17. Everything I have said on this thread has come from personal experience in one way or another. So, all I can tell you is how I would feel if my mom asked to read all of my blog posts before I was allowed to post them (even at 15). This may not be the way she feels, so take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt....
So, if you constantly check up on my blog entries, to me it's a sign that you do not trust me. However, if you tell me what I'm not allowed to post and what I am allowed to, and if we make a verbal agreement - like adults - I will feel as if you trust me and think I'm mature.
If you ask to see what I write, before I'm actually allowed to post it, I will feel like an 8 year old whose mother needs to check whether her child has done his/her homework. I will feel as if, for some reason, I have not managed to earn your trust... even at 15.
If I constantly feel pressure from your side, I will have the need to rebel against it. (I'm not necessarily saying she would!) However, if you trust me to be responsible, I will try my hardest to keep that trust and prove to you that I deserve it.
That's how I would feel.</p>

<p>However, let's say if you and your child do make a verbal agreement about the blog issue, as you let her know what she's not allowed to post, and she still does it (like betty's daughter... even though she has more freedom because she's much older), that would be a different story.</p>

<p>Thanks for answering me, Crimson. I do understand what you are saying. Now I will try to explain my "side".</p>

<p>Back in the early days of my parenting experience, I often felt caught in the middle of what I came to think of as "breast vs. bottle" debates, aka "I'm a better parent because...." and along the way, realized that this continues, no matter how old a "baby" gets. Preschool vs. playgroup. Public vs. private school (vs. homeschool). Pacifiers? TV? Guns? Barbies? And so on. </p>

<p>I had to learn that sometimes what I do for my kid doesn't fit every parent/child. And sometimes what they do isn't for us. Once I could get past the "right / wrong" or "one size fits all", I found out that lots of times I can actually learn from someone with a different opinion. And sometimes, another person's decision doesn't affect mine at all. It's just that this parenting business is still in it's "experimental" stage (we don't become experts until we have grandchildren), so we debate to help define our own positions on things.</p>

<p>I am sure you would think I was an overly strict parent on certain things, and an amazingly permissive parent on others. At age 15, my daughter is allowed to take the train alone across Germany. But she is not allowed to spend more than 30 minutes on-line, and only with the understanding that her parents have access (whether we use it or not) to whatever she does. It is not HER I don't trust.</p>

<p>I suspect that my D did feel a bit defensive when the subject first came up. We say "no" to her very seldom, so when we do, it catches her off guard. When she understood "why" I wanted it, we came up with the compromise quickly. </p>

<p>We talk a lot at our house, so one little situation is not going to define trust for any of us. She knows I will trust her at a party, and I will not trust her to remember to carry her cell phone. So when she leaves, I don't say, "No drinking, no smoking, no sex." I say, "Do you have your cell phone?" She doesn't say "You don't trust me" because she is quick to know what areas of her life she "deserves" freedom and where she needs accountability or protection.</p>

<p>Now, that all sounds quite preachy, and that is not at all how I feel! I appreciate your response, because it lets me know that I need to constantly communicate with my own D, so that she knows WHY I do things, and that it isn't because I lay awake at night thinking up ways to make her life miserable.</p>

<p>Kids (or adults, for that matter) who blog under their real names are taking unnecessary risks. Why would you do that when a pseudonym is so easy?
My D started a blog in college as sort of a public diary in the form of many of the political blogs she reads. It's intended for anyone to read - in fact she wants, and has asked, her friends & family to read it as a way of keeping up. She still uses a pseudonym, however, as there are always things she wouldn't want to "come back and bite her" later, and there is no reason to let complete strangers know your identity.
Keeping your name and address off the internet is something we drilled into our kids' heads as soon as we hooked up to the net years ago. The reasons for privacy are still valid.</p>

<p>so how do you get a 20 year old to stop posting personal stuff after all reasonable efforts have failed? she'll be 21 soon and an adult in the eyes of the law. it's just so worrisome from a parental point of view</p>

<p>Why does she feel the need to use her real name? Her lack of caution seems very unusual for a 20 year old.</p>

<p>i have asked her that many times. i just don't get it. and i worry about it frequently. she's a bright person, doing well in college; just very stubborn about this.</p>

<p>Does she lack common sense generally, or is this just a blind spot? What kinds of things does she post, and why would her address come up? You know, a lot of kids do blog, but they rarely use their real names. Maybe she doesn't realize that millions of people read the internet - and out of those millions, certainly not all are good people. It would be good for you to find out what she gains by going so public.</p>

<p>If she won't listen to you, find someone she she will listen to and have them explain the dangers.</p>

<p>common sense isn't her strong suit. she posts all manner of strong political views and social commentary. she simply tells me that it is her right to use her name and that she has nothing to hide. i have suggested that she ask another adult in her life what they think of open blogging, but she hasn't done that yet. i may print out these postings and send it to her. that might help. i love her dearly and feel so useless to stop her doing this. i'm open to any and all suggestions.</p>

<p>oh, and you asked about her address coming up? when you google her name, a college site comes up which lists all the students in a dorm, their addresses and phone numbers; so she thinks if it's ok with the college, it's ok with her so people will be able to contact her</p>

<p>Betty
I think that is fairly common- just about any school that I have researched has emails of students listed</p>

<p>Betty,
Is it possible that she's using her name because someone specific is following her blog, and she does not want to confuse him or her by changing the name listed? Perhaps like-minded political speakers use that contact information to get in touch with her?
Perhaps she just is being defiant for the sake of defiance- not defying you, but the ability of the world to hurt her.</p>

<p>Wow! I'm amazed that this is ok with the college. I would NOT want that at all. Does the college know about this? At my D's school, one needs a password and a college ID# to find out who is in what dorm, and no dorm addresses, room numbers or phone numbers are available at all. Why would a college allow this kind of access?</p>

<p>emeraldkitty - I think Betty is talking about actual addresses, not college email addresses, which are much more available. Is that right, Betty?</p>

<p>willow - defiance is certainly part of it; and in her politically charged orbit, the blogging is free wheeling</p>

<p>asap - yes, actual street addresses and phone numbers as well as email addresses on an actual college site</p>

<p>i'm off to visit my son now, but if anyone wants to leave suggestions, i'd sure appreciate it; i'll be back on later tonight; thanks!</p>

<p>at the schools where my nieces and nephew attend ( and D)
mail stops are available as are phone #s and emails
However the actual dorm is not available nor the home address
I am not that comfortable with phone numbers but I think to have home addresses as available should be something you have to opt into rather than out of.</p>

<p>I admit to reading my D's blog. She has a busy life when she is at school and sometimes that is the only time she updates everyone on what is going on with her. Hey, I deserve an update as much as anyone else. After all, I went through 24 hours of labor to get her here on to this earth.</p>

<p>I haven't heard any complaints from her. When I found out that kids can block their parents off their blog, I hoped that my D wouldn't do that. So far, so good.</p>

<p>I do make an effort not to comment on anything written on her blog unless she brings up the subject first. I consider the blog informational only, in my case. But if something really troubling did come up, I would definitely talk to her about it.</p>