<p>Sorry to ask, but somewhere on campus, has she found her social satisfactions, the friends she can be herself with, gotten engaged in activities that may include more like-minded kids, found her niche? Or that niche, after exploration, really doesn’t exist? She looked, she tried the clubs and other opportunities, met a variety of sorts- and there is no respite? [This is the sort of question often asked when the fit issue comes up on CC.]</p>
<p>"If skin color determines status in that country then I’d think a bully from a high-status group would have more power than a bully from a low-status group…no? "</p>
<p>Seriously? skin color determines status? I always thought money and/or power did. :p</p>
<p>Do only white people make fun of rednecks?</p>
<p>If King of the Hill was an adequate depiction of Texas, then the answer to your question would be “No.” Bay. White people are not the only ones who make fun of rednecks - Asians do.</p>
<p>lookingforward, don’t be sorry: ask away! I will tell you what I can. Yes, she has some friends and, as I have mentioned, a BF. But I wouldn’t say she has found her niche, which is what she needs to do. She had come to the school planning to join a sorority, but now feels so alienated she doesn’t really know if it is what she wants – or if they will want her. There is not much diversity in this school’s sororities and frats, except, or course, in the black frats and sororities, and they lack diversity, too. ;)</p>
<p>I participated in this thread not to debate racial issues, but because I am a mother and can relate to having a child’s feelings hurt. We may not all have had the same experiences, but by now, most of us have experienced some form of rejection or exclusion and know that it hurts at some level.
Sorority rush is stressful to almost any student because they have to make an immediate good first impression. Some do this better than others, but if your daughter wants to join a sorority, the only way to know what will happen is to take this risk. If she’s not comfortable in a non-diverse setting, then that is OK too. There may be other groups to join.
I won’t infer that any of this is going to be easy, but it’s not possible to predict the outcome. Race may or may not play a factor, but if she pre-determines this, she’s limiting herself to trying, and limiting the other students’ opportunities to meet her. She sounds like a lovely young lady, and I think she has much to offer as a friend to others. If she wishes to join a group, I hope she will do so with confidence.
Not all risks are worth taking. I would not suggest someone put themselves in danger, but I think the biggest risk of sorority rush is rejection. If she’s willing to take this, then I think she’s up to the task.</p>
<p>“But I wouldn’t say she has found her niche, which is what she needs to do.”</p>
<p>NO! NO! NO!</p>
<p>Don’t make this mistake, please. Your D doesn’t need a niche. She has one. It is your family. Family, childhood friends, people close to her.</p>
<p>If your D is trying to “fit in”, she would never be able to achieve it. She is neither white nor Asian, she is herself. If she would go to China, she would realize that people there are very different from her, in terms of language, education, attitude, life experience. Also Chinese from different ethnicities, religion, socio-economic status are very different among themselves, same as Americans are different. Your D has already a group of people that accept her and love her - her family. She doesn’t need to look for any other group.</p>
<p>Where is we family going to be when she wants to go out for the night? Or to study before an exam with? Or to go to a seminar a department is holding on campus?</p>
<p>Sure, family is number one, but she is going to need some friends to do things with. </p>
<p>Blue, assure your daughter that she’ll find her group eventually. All in good time.</p>
<p>Pennylane, with all due respect, I understand your point, but comparing what minorities go through just because of how they look (institutionalized racism) to the everyday rejections and hurts that “many of us” experience is just not really a valid comparison. </p>
<p>In addition to the normal, everyday human experiences that we all have in school, friendships, etc., my daughter was a pre professional level dancer who understands she can’t “win 'em all” very well: From the time she was in middle school she was up against dancers from all over the country for places in summer intensives, parts in ballets, etc. She’s had her heart broken in relationships and broken a few herself. She is, basically, a resilient kid.</p>
<p>Watching your kid get her feelings hurt through the expected emotional rough and tumble of growing up is one thing. Having your child rejected or made to feel ashamed or bad because of her race is another, altogether. </p>
<p>I should add that I feel sure that if I wasn’t raising a minority kid, I would likely be making the same appeal (she has to get out there, try harder, be open to other people, etc.) as you are. Risking generalizing here, but I think it is really hard for most open minded, tolerant white people to really get what people of color go through – from the big things to what are called “micro aggressions” to just ignorance – as they navigate their daily life. This is why her AA friends keep saying “Hey, this is just how the world is. It’s always been like this for us, and now you are seeing it. Might as well suck it up and learn to live with it.”</p>
<p>californiaaa, she has been back to China. We went again last summer and traveled pretty extensively. She even spent time at an orphanage and foster home. She understands her divided sense of identity. She loved China and the Chinese people, but expressed appreciation for the standard of living we have here, for her home and the opportunities she has had here.</p>
<p>Ok I stand corrected. No offense was intended to anyone. I was naive to contribute to this thread but I have learned much from participating. I hoped to be of help, even if it was not effective, and I hope that your daughter finds a college that she is happy at.</p>
<p>
So what’s your answer BR? I don’t think yelling “YOU CAN’T RELATE” when someone at least tries to relate is really all that helpful. More likely off-putting actually.</p>
<p>Pennylane, thank you so much for your gracious response. I really appreciate it. </p>
<p>Sylvan8798, I apologize to you and others if I seem to be yelling anything, much less “You can’t relate.” I sure haven’t meant to do so. I came here to ask whether other people or their children have had similar experiences, and people’s opinions on transferring after a single semester. I hope I have expressed that I am both appreciative of what people have been willing to discuss at length, and that I was surprised (pleasantly) that my initial post generated so much spirited and intelligent debate.</p>
<p>What is the answer? That’s an excellent question. I think the answer is for my D to take the reins here (as she is doing) and do some investigation of other schools that have her major (social work/family science/human services) that seem both like academic matches and that offer more diversity than her current school. She is working on a list, and also sending emails and texts to people she knows at these schools, to ask questions, etc. At Thanksgiving, we will sit down as a family (including her older sister, with whom she is very close) and talk about the options as she sees them, with our input. In the meantime, she will continue to work hard in class and to do well, and to be as involved as she can in her volunteer work, photography, etc at the school where she is. </p>
<p>I guess it’s within the realm of possibility that my D could end up staying at this school, which many people love and find wonderful. (Before she applied, she talked to a half dozen people we know personally who swear it’s the best college experience anywhere, and they were sad to graduate! That was very persuasive.) Her attitude remains strong and positive (the phone call I got where she was in tears was the exception … usually, I get fun texts talking about the elderly people she works with at the nursing home, or telling me stuff like “Got an A on my test!”) but realistic. The thing she has to think about is whether she feels, in the long run, that this is the school for her. She knows very well that if she stays, it is SHE who must adjust, as the school is what it is. I don’t mean to sound negative, as there are many things she likes about it, but she also knows that the diversity situation there is a work in progress.</p>
<p>BlueRoses I think you and your D have exactly the right attitude to get through this, whatever she decides to do in the end, I think she is fortunate to have an understanding mom.</p>
<p>Your D is navigating virtually the same waters my brother did, and it was not easy for him, in some ways still isn’t. I hope it all works out for you guys :)</p>
<p>Moderator’s Note</p>
<p>All race related discussions tied to colleges get merged with the most current discussion that is open.</p>
<p>I couldnt think of anywhere else to put this.
I am an Indian female who is not excelling like the people on CC, but this does not mean i am an average student either. i worked my ass off in high school to get the grades i wanted, straight A’s, As many AP classes as i could take, but i feel like if it came down to it, and college committees were comparing two students, Me and another student who is a minority, they would choose the minority over me. Does anybody else feel like this is a form of discrimination? IT’S 2013, racism is almost nonexistant. it’s very frustrating to know that i worked very hard for the grades i earned and someone may be chosen over me because of their race. I am probably the least racist, least judgmental person you will meet, so do not get me wrong. i’m as egalitarian as it gets, but this is my opinion. I WANT everyone to have opportunities. its just really frustrating in this process to know that my race has something to do with the admission acceptance rates</p>
<p>I agree with you to some extent</p>
<p>Can I use a cliche? Life is unfair:</p>
<ol>
<li>olympians get in before regular athletes</li>
<li>people with rich moms & dads get in</li>
<li>kids with parents & grandparents who went to that school get in
4 kids from Wyoming get in before kids from MA</li>
<li>Kids who have a recommendation from a teacher who is well loved by Princeton or Duke or NYU get in.</li>
<li>Kids whose application comes up right after everybody has had a cup of morning coffee get in. </li>
</ol>
<p>There are probably many small but invisible advantages that you’ve had through life…it is what it is.</p>
<p>racism is not almost nonexistent.</p>
<p>complaining about your ethnicity solves nothing… just do anything you can do to improve your chances while you can…</p>
<p>I am an asian-american and these affirmative actions will hurt me as much as you… especially since I live in California.</p>