Rate My Essay, please!

Applying to College
1

I am applying to Stanford University’s High School Summer College program. Please review my essay and comment and critique it. Any criticism is good criticism. Please help me tailor, fine-tune, or completely scrap this essay such that I have the best chance of being admitted into the program.

The topic:

In an essay of between 500 and 1000 words, tell us about a significant event in your life. How did this event change you, or make you view your life in a different light?

My essay:
Hippocrates, the father of medicine, once said that “nature acts without masters.” Of course, the verity of this statement is undeniable. It is, perhaps, this idea, the notion of being able to control nature and life, which has driven my interests in the medical sciences the most. For as long as I can remember, I have been amazed that science works. It all seems so complex, and I have always been in awe that this world we live in, the people we are, the environments we react with, are all the result of millions of years of careful planning and evolution. My recent studies of the finer intricacies of the biological and chemical sciences have only fueled this interest. Now I have an understanding of why and how life works. The thought that I might one day be able to utilize this, and other, knowledge to undermine nature and become the master in order to help posterity is overwhelming.
Perhaps my father has been my biggest influence in life. As an internist and infectious disease specialist, each and every day, he wakes up and fights an uphill battle. Nature throws its best at mankind—cancer, AIDS, diabetes—and I cannot wait to follow in the footsteps of my father and battle these diseases on the frontlines.
It is not just the idea of being able to battle diseases which fuels my interests in the medical sciences, however. After spending a summer working in my father’s office, I was privy to many stories of how my father helped people. I can recall one such instance. I answered the ever-ringing phone and a patient on the other end heard my voice and inquired as to why it was not that of the usual secretary. I responded that I was the doctor’s son, and he proceeded to tell me one of the most fantastic tales I have ever heard.
The man said, “You know, your father saved my mother’s life. I remember it like it was yesterday. My mother had been taken out of the Intensive Care Unit prematurely, and was not in any condition.”
My interest was piqued. I had to hear more. My father? A life-saver? That is, saving a life? Keeping a heart beating? Could it be? This was a realization. An epiphany. Physicians affect the world perhaps more than any other profession. What can trump the ability to save a human life?
“I sat there crying, begging for the hospital to right this wrong as I watched my mother debilitate,” the man continued, sniffling audibly. “It seemed like nobody would listen, like there was nobody to run to.”
Helplessness. A victim waiting for a hero. But in life, there is no Superman, there is no Clark Kent. Who do you run to?
“Your father was walking past. He was a large man with a busy walk, his laboratory coat trailing behind him and his stethoscope bouncing on his chest. I didn’t know him, but out of desperation, I begged him to look at my mother.”
Suspense. Is my father the Superman of the tangible world?
“Your father took one look into the room and yelled ‘Get this woman in ICU, now!’”
Voila. My father, the hero. The life-saver. The champion of the sick, the dying, the helpless.
“I’m sure that without your father’s help, my mother would not have lasted the night.”

And thus my propensity towards the medical sciences was sealed. I have found my goal, my purpose. If, in the course of my life, just one life is saved due to my efforts, if just one heart beats for just one more minute, than I know I will have made the right choice, and I know I will go down in history as a hero, as a Superman, just like my father before me.
Thanks in advance for the help!

2

<p>Your essay is good, but (that's only my opinion, but then again that's what you asked for innit) too sentimental and romantic. I also am completely against the ideas expressed in the following passage:
"The thought that I might one day be able to utilize this, and other, knowledge to undermine nature and become the master in order to help posterity is overwhelming."</p>

<p>If anything, nature is our friend and our mother, without it we would be nothing. no matter how high we wish to elevate ourselves above it, nature will always slam us back into place.
We as humans, must know where we stand. And it is Within nature, as a part of her, and not outside or above her, and definitely not as her adversaries or aggressors.
Remember: nature provides the disease but also provides the cure... Good can be found in evil things such as (natural) poison, and evil can be found in the most innocent-looking flower.
By trying to undermine nature you will only undermine yourself.</p>

<p>.
.
.
Apart from that though, you use good language and have an extended vocabulary from what I can see, which is definitely great. Your style is good as well.</p>

3

<p>this phrase is awkward: "ever-ringing phone"</p>

4

<p>I like reading essays; viewing the inspirations of other aspired writers. You essay however, is cluttered with many cliches and is filled with superficiality. For example: "I remember it like it was yesterday," and "I have found my goal, my purpose," are just simplifying the writing process a little too much.</p>

<p>When I mean superficiality, I also mean the style of writing. You've used many high-vocabulary such as: pique, propensity; are words that make you seem like you try too hard. There is a time and place for each word, and IMHO, you should try to make the essay a bit simpler so that you can be more deep. A deep essay is one where everyone can relate to, not because an obstruction in the essay stops their thinking. Just my opinion though.</p>

<p>The superman thing just takes away the essay's meaning: "Voila. My father, the hero. The life-saver. The champion of the sick, the dying, the helpless." Your tone seems rather outgoing for the type of questions being asked. Try to avoid the dialogue if possible. Instead of korny exclamations, I would suggest you write what you saw there; maybe like what your father was doing that you thought was special. Explain to the committee why you want to become a medical scientist; and not because some person says so in the script.</p>

<p>The whole first paragraph is like a cliche. Even the first sentence with Hippocrates in quote style; been there, seen that.</p>

<p>I don't know what it is, but I'm not getting you from this essay. Your writing style for the most part, is very good. Your command of correct sentence structure, is also very good. I'm just not "digging it."</p>

<p>Maybe rework the structure around a bit so that you show more depth into your outlook into the medical world. You can PM the essay to me, and I can review it for you if you want. If not, CC is a great place to share your thought pieces; just that some people out there...</p>

5

<p>Thanks alot, guys, and keep it coming if anybody has anything additional to say. I'll take into account what all of you said and rework things a bit, or rewrite it entirely if I get inspired. Thanks again!</p>

6

<p>Well, the first thing that struck me was this: the essay asks you to discuss a specific event, and it takes you three whole paragraphs before you even begin to mention one. All the beginning is fluff. Scrap it.
Start the thing more... in medias res, I guess. Starting with a specific instance and then drawing general conclusions from it is a very strong way to write an essay: in your case I'd recommend it. Your essay is not badly written, but it's a little boring; and what that structure does for you is that it draws the reader in, because he doesn't know what's going on and keeps reading to try to figure it out. So if you're on the border of being dull, choose a structure that is inherently interesting no matter what you do.
Also, I disagree with jthecanadian. I think dialogue can be fantastic and very effective. It's not always appropriate, but I think in an essay that is supposed to be more personal than formal, it can spice things up.
About words making you seem like you're trying too hard: pique didn't bother me, but propensity does. So does "the verity of this statement is undeniable." Not because they're rare words or anything (they're common words! jeez!), but because they're impersonal words. When you're writing, look at each sentence carefully, and see if you can replace your impersonal nouns and verbs with something more colourful or evocative. Then go through and consider each individual word: does it add to the tension building up within the sentence, or draw from it? Make sure that every single word points the sentence in a direction, and doesn't just sit there filling in syntactical holes. In general, though your sentence structure is good, your writing is full of fluffy words that don't need to be there; instead, you should decide which part of the sentence is most important, and make all the other words drive towards it. It's sort of hard to explain... do you know what I mean, though?
Other than that, I also agree with the people who say your essay is sentimental and cliche. The whole premise is cliche and uninteresting. To be perfectly honest with you, I think you'd stand more chance of getting in if you scrapped the thing altogether and came up with something a little spicier, a little more unusual.</p>

7

<p>Awesome advice. I'll try implementing some of these tips and scrap the entire thing if nothing seems to click.</p>

8

<p>Good grief. Both of you, stop with the insults. </p>

<p>Moving on from the middle schoolesque feeling I just had.</p>

<p>Question I have: Why did you pick that event out of all the others? </p>

<p>IMHO, I think that what you're aiming for is interesting, but I think that the way it was written deters it from being a winning piece. You need a hook in the first paragraph to capture readers, first of all. I agree that you should start with the actual event itself. </p>

<p>Most of all, think about why this event is significant to you. Don't write about something you think would sound good because superficiality can be easily seen, especially for people who have been reading essays over and over. Really and honestly write about the event, and how it affected you. Maybe how you were before it, and how you're better now because of it. </p>

<p>PS: Try not to use thus.</p>

9

<p>My latest revision. Comments appreciated.</p>

<p>The man said, “You know, your father saved my mother’s life. I remember it like it was yesterday. My mother had been taken out of the Intensive Care Unit prematurely, and was not in any condition.”
My interest was piqued. I had to hear more. My father? A life-saver? That is, saving a life? Keeping a heart beating? Could it be? This was a realization. An epiphany. Physicians affect the world perhaps more than any other profession. What can trump the ability to save a human life?
“I sat there crying, begging for the hospital to right this wrong as I watched my mother debilitate,” the man continued, sniffling audibly. “It seemed like nobody would listen, like there was nobody to run to.”

Helplessness. A victim waiting for a hero. But in life, there is no Superman, there is no Clark Kent. Who do you run to?
“Your father was walking past. He was a large man with a busy walk, his laboratory coat trailing behind him and his stethoscope bouncing on his chest. I didn’t know him, but out of desperation, I begged him to look at my mother.”
Suspense. Is my father the Superman of the tangible world?
“Your father took one look into the room and yelled ‘Get this woman in ICU, now!’”
Voila. My father, the hero. The life-saver. The champion of the sick, the dying, the helpless.
“I’m sure that without your father’s help, my mother would not have lasted the night.”
I hung up the phone and stared at the receiver for a minute or two, allowing the conversation to sink in. I had been working at my father’s office all summer, taking phone calls and the like, but now everything I had once taken for granted I viewed under a whole new perspective. What began as a simple telephone call turned into the most poignant tale I had ever heard. It was around that moment that I decided nothing in life would please me more than entering into the realm of the medical sciences.
My father became my role model. Shortly afterwards, like a kid inquiring about the legitimacy of the tooth fairy, I sat my father down and demanded answers to all of the questions I had. I asked him how a kid from a modest family in Brooklyn ended up as a Doctor. I asked him what drove him each and every day to wake up and fight diseases like a soldier on the frontlines. And he did his best to answer honestly.
He spoke of his compassion as a teenager for one particular destitute woman who frequented the same park as him, and how he made his father buy her a refrigerator. He spoke of the era where little was known about AIDS and all were afraid, about how nobody knew how it could be transmitted, and all doctors might have been endangered for merely treating sick patients. Yet, he decided to pursue the career just the same, because somehow he knew that was where his future lay.
Suddenly, my expression changed from inquiry to comprehension and I understood what could possibly justify the unbearable hours, the unparalleled risk, and the looming lawsuits. Life. No price can be put on it, no factory can manufacture it, no artist can draw it. Life is beautiful. Life is precious. Life is invaluable. And physicians like my father were the defenders of life.
And so I found my destiny. I found what would make me complete. If, in the course of my life, just one life is saved due to my efforts, if just one heart beats for just one more minute, than I know I will have made the right choice, and I know I will go down in history as a hero, as a Superman, just like my father before me.</p>

10

<p>I'm wondering if you are ESL, because I note a certain similarity in florid and stiff writing style that some kids have. You still have many cliched phrases. Overall, the language is overly dramatic and puffed up, so it does not ring true.</p>

<p>Overall, this essay seems to be answering a different question than asked. It seems like you are answering "What person has had a significant effect on you and why?" It does not ring true that taking that phone call was a significant event in your life. And it seems incomprensible that you did not before realize that doctor's can save people's lives. And it seems strange to make such a big deal of this incident of him saying to get the woman to ICU as some incredible life saving feat of someone already sitting in a hospital.</p>

<p>Get these sentences out--they are corny and very silly, over-the-top dramatic. Helplessness. A victim waiting for a hero. But in life, there is no Superman, there is no Clark Kent. Who do you run to? Suspense. Is my father the Superman of the tangible world?</p>

<p>Get rid of this--"Suddenly, my expression changed from inquiry to comprehension". It is just plain weird to describe the expression on your face like we are watching a movie.</p>

<p>The entire last two paragraphs are just generalities and not personal. It is cliched as well.</p>

<p>I think you need to dig a bit deeper here and be more personal. Be simple and direct. This essay does not at all ring true that we are getting at what makes you tick. It feels superficial.</p>

11

<p>Wow, hard crowd. But that's what you get when you subject your writing to your unsatiable and heartless peers. About your essay, lets see, I think it's good, but rather trite at times. But you know what, sometimes that can be good. Depends on how cynical your readers really are. If they're willing to read something and say, "hmm, that was inspirational" or are they going to say, "been there, seen that". It all depends. I would just work more on polishing the writing.</p>

12

<p>"Be careful with your essay, but send it to me--I'm trustworthy, I swear it" lol</p>

13

<p>While the essay might not be the greatest of works, I do believe it's a far stretch away from ESL. In fact, I'm in AP English, but it's been years since I've written an essay about myself rather than some author or piece of literature, so relax. But, yeah, from now on I think I will just PM it to a few select people. For those of you with serious contributions, thanks. For those of you wasting my time and/or insulting me, karma will catch up with you...</p>

<p>For the record, bettina, the following sentences in your post make NO sense and sound a bit like you're taking ESL courses, if you ask me...</p>

<p>"I'm wondering if you are ESL, because I note a certain similarity in florid and stiff writing style that some kids have." ("you are ESL" - ESL is an acronymic noun, not an adjective, "style" should be styles")</p>

<p>And it seems incomprensible that you did not before realize that doctor's can save people's lives. ("incomprensible" is not a word. "incomprEHensible, on the other hand...)</p>

<p>This essay does not at all ring true that we are getting at what makes you tick. (makes no sense. I get what you're saying, but it's awkward as all hell..)</p>

<p>Don't be such a hypocrite. If you're going to criticize so harshly, be sure to be perfect first.</p>

14

<p>It wasn't meant to be harsh criticism, it was meant to be constructive otherwise I wouldn't bother. And it is not an insult to be ESL. Many overseas kids are very smart and can write as well as you, but use those kind of stiff phrases like "the verity of this statement is undeniable." You asked people if they said you should scrap it, so I tried to show you why I think you should. Starting with: you don't seem to be answering the question that they ask. You seem to have an agenda to show yourself in a certain light, and an agenda to show why you want to be a doctor. But you are missing the point of why this question is asked.</p>

<p>You don't seem like you can take feedback so don't bother posting. Take your essay to Stanford. It may not hurt you if they don't count these for much, but there is something so missing from this you should be careful. It's similar to the college entrance essay, so you'd may want to start to get familiar with the good, the bad and the ugly. According to this admissions officer, yours would fall under "the bad". I may be harsh, but it's doing you a favor to mention it. It's nothing personal, so don't take it personally. If you can't see the difference between your essay and a good essay you just don't get the concept and need to educate yourself. Read this:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.virginia.edu/undergradadmission/writingtheessay.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.virginia.edu/undergradadmission/writingtheessay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

15

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=1466%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=1466&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>