Rate My Personal Essay?

<p>I'm working on a personal essay for an early admission application, and since I don't really have anyone around who can help, I was hoping one or two people here could tell me what they think of it. Please and thank you.</p>

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<p>In high school I was urged by my English teacher to join our school's play. I was in a small town in a small school, and anyone who signed on for the play was automatically accepted, and most given whatever part they chose, simply because the size of the school wouldn't allow for our director to be too picky. So when I was told I would get to play the part I had wanted, I was pleased, but not surprised, and I have never considered getting that part to be an accomplishment.</p>

<p>Nor did I ever consider learning my lines as anything to be proud of. I have always found memorizing words in this sort of situation to be easy. It's never been difficult for me, and it certainly wasn't then. I learned my lines as easily as I would learn the words to a new favorite song, or to a quote from a favorite movie. Which is, very easily, and with very few mistakes.</p>

<p>There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would be able to play the part I had set out to play, and even as the day of the production hurdled toward me, I felt no fear. Rehearsals went well, although even the day before we were supposed to open, I and many others were still forgetting our lines. It was only a high school production after all, I thought. It wasn't anything too serious, and certainly nothing to be worried about, and I didn't worry.</p>

<p>The time to show our community what we had put together came, and I was sitting behind the curtain, waiting with the other actors (many of whom were good friends) for our director to tell us it was time to begin, when one of my friends started getting nervous. He was worried he wouldn't remember his lines, even though he'd been doing just fine a few days before in rehearsal. The idea of going out onstage, in front of an audience this time instead of just our director, terrified him, and soon his fear spread to much of the cast.</p>

<p>I didn't catch his fear contagion at all in the two nights when our little show was presented. In fact my only worry was that my friend would forget all his lines in his nervous state. Bad news for me, because I had several scenes with him, and while I'm excellent at memorization, I'm useless when it comes to improvisation. In the end, he only forgot a few lines, and I even forgot one or two myself. The show was still excellent, or so our director told us. During the production, I found out how much I enjoyed being on that stage. It wasn't the attention that I enjoyed. I have always been on the extreme end of introverted. I can hardly even manage to give two minute speeches in class on subject matter that I know in and out. But being in a play was different. There were specific lines to be memorized. There were specific cues to watch and listen for. There was an order to it all, even if I and the other actors sometimes fell out of that order.</p>

<p>It was a fun experience, and one I would love to have again, but it also made me realize how much I was dependent on order and control in my life. I was surprised by this. I had never considered myself a control freak. In fact, being as shy as I was, I was usually content to just leave the control to others. In group projects I rarely took initiative, too worried about doing something wrong to ever try to be in charge. But that, too was about needing order rather than chaos. Someone else would always step in and start organizing whatever project we were meant to be working on. Lines were drawn, roles established. I had my part to play, outlined clearly.</p>

<p>I had always been more of a follower than a leader, but I hadn't realized until then how much more that was about having order and direction than about being a shy person. Since then I have attempted and succeeded to push myself into situations where things are not always so clearly outlined, where I would have to be able to come up with my own ideas and solutions to problems, and I am grateful for that little high school play, for helping me recognize a flaw in myself that desperately needed to be fixed.</p>

<p>For most of the piece, it feels like a story, not an essay. I kept thinking, where’s the point? By the time I got to it, I was so frustrated I didn’t care.</p>

<p>If “order and control” is to be the focus of your essay, you should emphasize the events that lead to your conclusion about them and minimize (or even delete) the events that don’t. My first impression (while I was trying to figure out what your point might be) was that you would make a point about things coming easily to you, or about what counts as an accomplishment and what doesn’t. Tell those early events in a way that anticipates “order and control” fairly clearly.</p>

<p>Consider an introduction. </p>