RD application help

Colleges and Universities A-Z Harvard University
1

<p>I am applying to Harvard RD, and I would really like if people could give me my chances and some help on my essay.</p>

<p>SAT: M 800, CR 760, W 760
SAT II: Physics 790, Math IIC 790
APs: Physics B 5, Calculus BC 5(both senior classes in our school that i took in junior year) Taking AP Macroeconomics, Microeconomics, Chemistry, Eng. Lit.
Class Size: 958
Rank: 1</p>

<p>ECs:
Captain of Science Olympiad, 4 medals in Science Olympiad
Vice-Captain of Math team
Starter on Table Tennis Team
Cricket Team Member(outside of school)
Cricket Club Founder and President at school
Chess Team member
Part of Economics team which got 4th place in Tri-state area competition
2nd highest score in 2005 for 10th grade standardized math test in Bangladesh</p>

<p>Location: NYC
Ethnicity: Bangladeshi(I guess asian)
Gender: Male
Intended Major: Electrical Engineering</p>

<p>My Essay:
The day before it happened, my father and I went to the historic Bangladesh vs. India cricket match at Bangabandhu National Stadium. It was Bangladesh’s 100th international match—thousands of people attended. We were in the stands, intently focused, fervently hoping for an upset. My father was so animated and enthusiastic, that he seemed like a fellow teenager. When Bangladesh defeated India for the first time ever, parades and celebrations erupted in Dhaka, the capital of Bangladesh. We went out to dinner with my mother and two brothers to celebrate. That jubilant day turned out to be far more significant in my memory than I had imagined at the time.
The next time I saw my father was when I was rushed to the hospital to see him after school the next day. He had taken ill, I was told. But when I arrived, his body was already draped in a white cloth.
My father, the invincible Director General of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Bangladesh, had died of a sudden heart attack at work. Seeing him dead, felt like the end of the world. My family and country were shattered. One day your father, a national figure, is vibrant and involved, and the next day, he is lifeless and carried away. Nothing would be the same.
“Your father would have wanted you to continue working hard at school,” my mother urged. “And that is how you can honor him.”
The mourning period in Bangladesh is 40 days, but two weeks later, were the 10th grade exams, and my mother insisted that I take them. I returned to class just four days after my father’s death. Determined to honor him, I studied with new dedication and resolve. Even with all my relatives in the house mourning, I focused on my studies. In the end, I scored second highest in Bangladesh out of almost 10,000 students who took the mathematics exam. My father would have been proud.
Our family felt paralyzed. When the Ministry of Foreign Affairs offered a job to my mother (who hadn’t worked in 15 years) at the Consulate General’s office in New York, she promptly accepted. We moved to New York and our world changed dramatically. We went from a big house in Bangladesh to a small New York apartment; from the very public life of a diplomat’s family, to a simpler more anonymous lifestyle; from a small private school, to a large, bustling New York City public high school.
I worked hard to make the transition successful, and know that my father would be proud of my results. Instead of pursuing government diplomacy, I have applied my leadership skills to our school’s gold medal winning Junior Math team, and have also become the captain of the Science Olympiad team. I have topped the average of our school’s valedictorian, although I will not be ranked because I have attended school here for only a year.
I am not the same person I was the day I went to the cricket game with my father. I have seen how fragile life can be, and have learned how to persevere in spite of great sorrow. I, too, want to serve mankind not as my father did by fostering understanding and communication between nations, but by helping to advance the world’s technology, and thereby improving the human condition.</p>

<p>Other stuff about me:
My father was a diplomat, he died 2 years ago, after which we moved to the States. I have been in High School in USA since Junior year. I have been in many nations in the world, and have lived in Bangladesh, Saudi Arabia, England, Iran and USA.</p>

2

<p>Your essay, besides some grammatical errors, is really cool.</p>

3

<p>Thank you. LOL just deleted that part about MIT, because that wasn't in the Harvard essay thank god!</p>

4

<p>Overall, I like the message of this essay a lot, and to me it comes across as genuine. My opinion is that you should focus more on getting that message across, more on how it made you determined, and less on 'I have... and have also become... have topped...'</p>

<p>So here are some comments, these are just my opinions, feel free to take or leave them. I am no expert and I'm sure others will disgree with things I've said! Also I can't comment on everything here so if you haven't already, I would try and get it seen by an English teacher or something too.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>I don't know what an 'upset' means here - is this a technical term, am I missing something? Otherwise it doesn't seem the right word.</p></li>
<li><p>In the following line you don't need a comma between 'enthusiastic' and 'that'.</p></li>
<li><p>You might want to write 'Bangladeshi Ministry of Foreign Affairs'</p></li>
<li><p>I would keep the comma in 'Seeing him dead, felt like the end of the world', despite what I said before.</p></li>
<li><p>When you say your family and country were 'shattered' your meaning isn't entirely clear. Maybe try 'devastated' instead.</p></li>
<li><p>I would use 'my' instead of 'your' in the following line and change 'is' to 'was'. I would change the line to:</p></li>
</ul>

<p>'One day my father, a national figure, was alive and vibrant; the next, gone, forever.' Or something.</p>

<p>Either that or keep the 'your' and add something like 'Imagine,' at the beginning.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Could change the next line to 'nothing would be the same again' or '... ever again'</p></li>
<li><p>I would put that quote of your mother's after '...insisted that I take them.'</p></li>
<li><p>I would change the next bit to 'Even with all my relatives in the house mourning, I was determined to honour him/his memory/make him proud, and studied with renewed dedication and resolve.'</p></li>
<li><p>'Instead of pursuing diplomacy'</p></li>
<li><p>Ok, in your second last paragraph it starts to sound like a list of what you have done. I'm not sure if this will work or not - maybe others have opinions on that. I don't think it does, but at the same time I think it's important to mention a few of those. Try and keep the focus on making your father proud, doing it in his memory etc. I think details like 'although I will not be ranked' are not necessary - best leave this for teachers/counselor to add in recommendations.</p></li>
<li><p>rather than 'and have learned how to persevere in spite of great sorrow', perhaps something along the lines of 'and I have been determined to..., despite the great sorrow which his death has brought me'</p></li>
<li><p>last line, perhaps change to something like: 'As my father did through diplomacy, I too wish to serve mankind - by helping to advance the world's technology and thereby improving the human condition.'</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Well, not sure about that last bit, but I would change it - it's a little bit clumsy.</p>

5

<p>thanks very much for the help. Just an update, I got 750 on my SAT II Chemistry (just studying 3 months of AP chemistry in USA, no other chem course taken in HS in USA)
Please read my essay (to others) and add more help. I'm already reviewing it and editing it.</p>

6

<p>your opening can be trimmed. Winning against India doesn't really relate to the rest of the essay, and it actually sounds kind of culturally biased. (like winning against an old rival... and you never know if the person reading your essay MAY actually BE an Indian.</p>

7

<p>i like the essay overall but had a negative reaction to the bit about the Valedictorian...."I have topped the average of our school’s valedictorian, although I will not be ranked because I have attended school here for only a year." i would remove it and say sommething like, though i havve only been at my school for.....i have excelled to the top by...... (not those words directly, use something more refined)</p>

<p>agre w/ ^^^ in that the intro could be cut....focus more on the personal growth a death so significant on you has fostered. </p>

<p>you have a great story, it will be to your advantage....good luck!</p>

8

<p>another thing is that you should focus on the progress of how you overcame the obstacle. It probably wasn't a one day experience to get over such a tragedy, and i think it will help you if you included how, little by little, you were able to overcome the adversity (instead of, "I just moved on. we moved to the U.S. I kept up my grades.) Those are certainly impressive, but it almost makes me wonder "what the... did he just get over this that simply??? was just thinking of 'honoring his dad' enough for him to overcome such a family tragedy?" i feel there must be more...</p>