Really complicated - need your help!

<p>As for his job now, he likes it a lot, but the income is pretty low, so precludes him getting his own place, at least in a neighborhood I feel is safe. Dangerous neighborhood in Mexico is really a life adventure I think we’d all do well to avoid. He seems ready to pick up where he left off, just not necessarily at Pomona, but he seems more ready to rule it in now that he believes it might be possible. He also knows money is a real issue and I’m sure he has absorbed that part of the equation. </p>

<p>So it is really 3 options?
Pomona
stay in Mexico and finish online
Move back to Florida and establish residency then attend public while living with Grandmother or sister</p>

<p>It seems like the Pomona thing could be easily vetted with some real, accurate hard copy documentation. The other two options could be costed out and maybe this will answer itself. You will be back in the boat with other traditional students in terms of how much can/will the parents contribute and what options are open within those limits.</p>

<p>@saintfan, I see it a different way. I predict that this will be worked out emotionally through a process and then rationalized through a ritual of costing. But, yes, it is interesting to me how this group process nudged @SMAmom forward- and how quickly (in calendar time) things happened. Almost surreal.</p>

<p>Well if the son hasn’t got his mind around whatever the cost limitations are it seems almost cruel to push him to get out there and make and effort without that firmly understood. If Pomona is really possible, then it would be the least expensive option it seems. If it’s Pomona or live with his Grandmother and work and take on loans to pay in-state Florida tuition his attitude towards Pomona could change.</p>

<p>I don’t really get the financial picture but it isn’t mine to understand. If there really is no or minimal money forthcoming from mom and dad for the next chapter of his academic adventure then it seems like the sooner he understands that the better.</p>

<p>Degree completion programs are all over the country, online, low residency, evening and sometimes integrated in daytime classes. Also, at many schools, including state universities, private universities and LAC’s, students can register as non-matriculated students. Community college is not the only way to reestablish oneself academically. If your son does well in a few classes taken as a non-matriculated student, it will be that much easier to get admitted later.</p>

<p>I liked the look of BU online degree completion program because it offers a broad and diverse collection of classes that are prescribed for you, which might be good for a student like your son. But that is one among thousands. BU is a good example because a student can also attend in the evening at Metropolitan College, or take classes during the day. That is just one random example of the varied options available for non-traditional students at one school.</p>

<p>It is not necessary to apply and get into a school as yet, in other words. Your son is also not limited to online programs, though they are convenient for many.</p>

<p>it sounds to me like he is in a more positive place. See if the past can be cleaned up (medical withdrawal) and if not, move on. Nothing is irreparable and both colleges and employers understand that kids can tank and then come back up.</p>

<p>From what the OP has posted…this student is not wanting to consider Pomona…perhaps for emotional reasons. It is possible that Pomona is the least expensive option IF Questbridge is still in the picture.</p>

<p>But sometimes it’s not all about the money. This kid apparently had an issue at Pomona that makes him NOT want to return. There are very few non-traditional students at Pomona…and at age 24, this student will be non-traditional there.</p>

<p>I would try to find some other option. If he can be considered instate for Florida, and can reside with grandparents and commute, his tuition costs will be covered by his independent Direct Loan amount. </p>

<p>His sister lives in Tennessee. Upstream, the mom suggested that the sister could perhaps help this kid get a job at Vandy. Does Vandy offer tuition assistance to its employees? Another option if yes. </p>

<p>What about having him live with the grandmother or his sister and just work for a while? I understand that there maybe a time constraint on the scholarship but this way he could save some money and get additional counseling if necessary. </p>

<p>OP, I hope things work out well for you and your son. I had an incidence of depression when I was in my third year of college – mostly it was just a plain old existential crisis, of the “why am I here and what am I hoping to accomplish?” variety. I took a quarter off and went to France to stay with a friend who was doing a study abroad program, but in retrospect I think that was the worst option possible, since when you’re depressed you really need a regular schedule and something to do – not too challenging, but enough to give you purpose. Once I came back to the US and started taking classes again I felt much better.</p>

<p>I think it’s very likely that there’s no traumatic incident or experience in your son’s past – just depression that had outsized results. However, I agree that if he doesn’t know what he would want to study, this may not be the right time for him to return to college. I’m not even talking about knowing what he wants to do in life – he really should have some goal or something that interests him to learn. Did he seem interested at all in the courses he saw when he went on the Pomona website? </p>

<p>@SMAmom‌ </p>

<p>Curious…does your son do REGULAR daily and weekly chores at home? does he do his own laundry? cook? clean his bathroom? yard-work? I don’t mean chores that are done when he feels like it. I mean daily/weekly chores…on a regular basis…w/o being reminded. </p>

<p>No, not really. He walks the dog but he has to be reminded. What’s the cure? </p>

<p>The cure, how about the military. This thread makes my head hurt, </p>

<p>Sorry. Be thankful it’s not your life, lol. </p>

<p>He did live with a girlfriend for 8 months last year. She wasn’t shy about telling him what to do. He’ll always do what you ask him with a smile. </p>

<p>Saint fan, we can help him financially as long as we’re in Mexico. It’s returning to live in the States that would leave us very tight. We live here on $1600 per month or so. Our income is around $3500 per month. one of the reasons we live here. It’s been wonderful to not have to worry about money for a change. </p>

<p>Oh, and ItsJustSchool, I’ve always been a huge fan of group therapy. Especially with smart people like you guys. </p>

<p>Whew, I haven’t been around in a while and here is this thread --read it in one fell swoop.</p>

<p>It has sort of been said here already, but after reading this thread off and on since it started, all I have is:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>This is a 24 year old adult. There is too much parental planning going on in this “not-a-kid anymore” life of his. If he wants to play grown-up now leading to a productive future, he should start acting like one, doing his own research on life options. If he needs to get begged to walk the dog, as offered above, I assume much nagging ensues for other simple things like waking up and getting out of bed too? I suspect there is an on-going behavioral pattern of dysfunctional co-dependency.</p></li>
<li><p>Sometimes there are hard choices with limited solutions that do not fit the preferred magical thinking answer. It appears there are two very basic choices: go back to Pomona, or head to Florida, firmly establish residency by living/working there for 12 months, which will likely help the personal discipline situation that seems to be lacking, and transfer to a public institution there. Many options available via that route, and as resident tuition is comparatively cheap in Florida, the education can be essentially self-financed.</p></li>
<li><p>While depression is real and can create all sorts of personal havoc, only the person with it can rise out of the condition and overcome their malaise. They have to want to take control of their situation and use the means and tools they have access to for the effort, whether those are counseling, medication, or some combination of treatment.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Sorry, but that’s the harsh reality as I see it. </p>

<p>Lumpty- it is harsh because in fact, as other posters have pointed out, there are several other options. Full time nline study leading to a degree; non-traditional part time student somewhere while working full or part-time; staying in Mexico and keeping the job but enrolling in an open-ended virtual degree, moving in with the sister (an entirely different state) and establishing residency there, etc.</p>

<p>People with depression don’t “rise out of the condition” in the same way that people with diabetes or multiple sclerosis don’t magically rise from their conditions. Sometimes they need the help and support of people around them to get the help they need. And sometimes, someone who is non-compliant (a diabetic who is faithfully doing the insulin part but NOT doing the diet and exercise part) need family members to stay on top of them- even while they are adults- to keep them on their program.</p>

<p>Agree that magical thinking is a trap which confounds many families when facing a kid with depression. </p>

<p>SMAmom, I live in the So Cal area and have family in the immediate Claremont area and some of my daughter’s friends attended the Claremont Colleges. So I just want to make some random points. I think that you have found out a lot of pretty good info here and different opinions to consider and as you pass along the info to your son he can form his opinions too. It already sounds like doors that were slammed shut in the mind may be cracked opened. I do think your family should keep letting options sink in for a few more days before planning any move to Pomona or not. And I agree your son needs to be the major driver here but your bringing options to his attention is helpful already.</p>

<p>RE exploring the Pomona option:</p>

<p>-In case people don’t understand, POMONA College provides a full ride scholarship (no family contribution, even) to Questbridge Finalists who are admitted and they take quite a few last year or two. Questbridge does not provide scholarships, they just select finalists who go on to apply to the colleges through their college admissions program. So there is no info to be had from QB about money. As long as the student on leave is in good standing with the Pomona guidelines and student is reinstated the scholarship should be intact. There is the question about the failed semester as far as needing another semester or summer work to graduate. This can be discussed and confirmed–but no need to start by demanding things in writing yet. And no need for transcript request yet since he can view the portal. Unless, of course he is going to go elsewhere. </p>

<ul>
<li>It seems he will need to ask for reinstatement from leave and that will result in being on probation so he has to be prepared to deal with that mentally. Before he talks to them, he will want to think about how to convey his readiness to continue his studies and what he had been doing with his time away to prepare himself. He can make a nice narrative about his teaching and acquiring Spanish fluency. I would be prepared to address a few things and they may well want an explanation of what his issues were and how he has resolved them, showing some self awareness and appraisal. As others have said, Pomona would want nothing more than for him to continue his studies. Suspension is given because it is recognized that the student will benefit from time away. He knows that was needed. They may want to know he got treatment. They just may want to know that he is mature and aware enough to seek academic help early and often. They are always wanted back if they are ready to continue. He should have a look at Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. She screwed up royally at Harvard, making her situation worse at every turn and they took her back every time. He should go over the handbook:</li>
</ul>

<p><a href=“Pomona College - Acalog ACMS™”>http://www.pomona.edu/administration/dean-of-students/student-handbook/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<ul>
<li>One of my daughter’s friends attended Claremont McKenna but told me she took all her classes at Pitzer. While this may not be exactly true to the letter, she felt like it. I don’t know the rules but you can major over there. She has had a few different jobs but she is now an Admissions Officer at CMC. I don’t know if QB really had the resources to talk to Pomona for you or if that is even appropriate, if so then great I suppose, seems a little strange to me. But it is possible I could shoot this young lady an email and she may have some info or tips.</li>
</ul>

<p>more thoughts in next post…need coffee</p>

<p>It really is time for the son to step up to the plate. There is only so much his parents can do for him. You can wake him up, and push him out the door, but you can’t be sure that he will attend his classes and do the work. I know how difficult it is to loosen the reins, but you don’t really have a choice. He is an adult. You are not entitled to intrude upon his academic or medical choices unless you can have him declared incompetent (and that wouldn’t help with his reinstatement at Pomona). If he doesn’t want to return to Pomona, you can’t force him. It’s obvious that you have never received a full, coherent accounting of what happened (or failed to happen) there. No strangers on the Internet can realistically advise you. I can suggest, for example, that Eckerd has very strong programs for non-traditional students. My husband’s lifelong best friend finally obtained his degree from them as a middle-aged man. No anonymous advice can do a thing for you or your son until and unless he gets a clear enunciation of his status at Pomona, and a copy of his transcript. If he doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to move on. I’ve never been a champion of “tough love,” myself, and so I wouldn’t counsel you to simply set him adrift. It just seems that his refusal to pursue alternatives implies that - all complaints withstanding - he prefers the status quo.</p>