Recommendation letters...can I "brag" about my kids to the teacher in advance?

Hello,

My son asked his math teacher for a college recommendation. The teacher said yes, he’d fill one out but he wants my son to give him a list of the activities, etc. he’s participated in.

My son will definitely do this. I think there’s actually a spot in Naviance that he’s supposed to fill that in.

My son is a solid C student, has ADHD and a learning disability. His strengths are not ones that can be measured on a report card. My question is, would it be out of line for me to email the teacher and just describe a side of my son that they might not see in school?

My son has had this teacher for three years and he and I have a good relationship with him if that makes a difference. I just don’t want to be the overbearing mom…which if we’re being honest, I probably am… and the teacher already knows that I’m sure.

As some schools parents are even specifically asked to write a “brag sheet” that is supposed to reveal information about things that are not obvious from the report card. I would write my thoughts up and give it to the teacher, just to present your unique perspective. The teacher can then make his or hers own decision on how to use the additional information.

Yes, many school counselors do ask for a parent brag sheet because there are too many students per counselor. But for a teacher who has taught your child for 3 years, it may be different. I would check with him first before actually sending the brag sheet. I don’t see any reason why he would not want it, but you never know.

Why not use this as a teachable moment for your son to help HIM learn to self-advocate? You presumably already know how to represent his best interests. But you can give him the opportunity to learn with these interactions. It’s a quick step from recommendations to job interviews. Kids who have learned how to present their skills in the best possible light do much better than kids who have a parent hovering to do the heavy lifting.

Your son can present himself in the right way with this teacher with a little coaching from you. And how powerful a lesson is that?

If the teacher hasn’t asked for it and it isn’t the school culture to request this of the parents, it seems risky. Sending that type of unsolicited message might help, or it might really rub the teacher the wrong way. If you suspect the teacher views you as overbearing, there’s probably a reason you’re hesitant and should listen to that inner voice of caution.

It could also be viewed as odd that you’re trying to feed the teacher information that the teacher might not have first hand knowledge of… the LOR from the teacher is supposed to contain things the teacher has personal experience with, not the teacher acting as the mouthpiece of the parent. A GC letter might be different and an appropriate place to solicit parent input since GCs are known to get their information from multiple sources since they haven’t spent huge amounts of personal time with each student.

If you can’t stand not chiming in, maybe helping your son to craft his list will be a way for you to feel involved without crossing any teacher boundaries.

Does your son have an IEP or 504? If so then the teacher is aware of his challenges and how he meets them in class, right?

You said you have a good relationship with the teacher, I love when that happens! And three years, then you all likely have a pretty solid understanding of each other. Can you shoot the teacher a short email asking this same question you asked here…“Would you mind if I shared a couple thoughts about my son with you, that perhaps may be helpful when it comes time to write his recommendation?”

If he says no, then he likely has all he needs or your son can include that info in some form. If he says, sure, then you are good to go.

As someone that writes a lot of different things, I love having input. May use it, may not, but it does get the thoughts rolling which is always helpful. You may give him something new or a different take on something he has experienced that makes him go, hmmmmm…

Why don’t you and your son work on his brag sheet together? Teach him how to explain his own story.

I would not communicate directly with the teacher about your S’s LOR for a few reasons.

–The focus of the teacher LOR is classroom performance, not what goes on at home. The teacher might be put off if he/she feels a parent is trying to tell him/her what to say. The teacher should be well aware of his issues.

–Yes, as noted above you can review the brag sheet your S prepares and discuss any comments you may have with your S before he gives it to the teacher. If your S wants to add one line (not a paragraph) on the bottom of the brag sheet about how his learning issues impact him in that class that is OK.

–If you want your S’s learning disabilities disclosed in college applications then consider holding a meeting that includes you, your S, and his guidance counselor to discuss this.

–In general, it is time for your S to start advocating for himself.

Yeah, I think I do know the teacher well enough to just ask him if it would be ok if I send over some thoughts. If he says no, I will help my son write up his own brag sheet.

The character traits I was going to share with the teacher are not things a 17 year old would notice about himself unless I pointed it out.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

If the teacher “might not see” it, then it doesn’t belong in a LOR.

The point of the LOR is for a teacher to write from their own observations and knowledge.

They do ask for students to submit brag sheets because it makes the task of writing a LOR easier, avoids mistakes, and does sometimes include info that the teacher knows enough about to incorporate, but may not otherwise remember or have a sketchy grasp of the details. And sometimes information the teacher previously didn’t know might provide needed context-- for example, a teacher may be vaguely aware that a student is an athlete, but not realize the student plays at varsity level in two sports. So the brag sheet helps fill in those gaps. j

So back off – if your son has a good relationship with the teacher after 3 years, the teacher may actually have seen things that you aren’t aware of. Since you say that your son is a solid C student, it’s likely that he will be applying to colleges that will appreciate the personal qualities that the teacher might choose to write about, based on the teacher’s own observations.

As others have said, the teacher recommendation focuses on what happens in the classroom and the type of student he is. The Guidance Counselor will typically write more of an overall letter and that would be the more logical place for discussions of character and strengths.

The only thing that strikes me as somewhat unusual, is that the math teacher is asking for a list of activities “etc”. It may be that your son, not you, could add something to the list about what makes him unique or what his strengths are (overcoming his LDs etc.). If he could relate that to math, would also be helpful.

If this teacher is writing a recommendation that is about more than his classroom work in math, then it may be more appropriate to provide some background. You could approach it as “DS told me you asked him for a list of accomplishments, I thought you might want to know …”

The “extra” thing my daughter did is email her teachers and recommenders her resume. That went into greater depth than a one-page brag sheet, and showed things the teacher might not know about that could contribute to the recommendation. She said “here is my resume which might be helpful to you.”

It worked nicely. I saw her teacher recommendations both for school and college, and they seamlessly painted a nice (and accurate) picture of my DD18. They all wrote about what she was like as a student, and then used things from her resume to bolster that opinion.

This was a class of about 350, and the teachers knew her well to begin with.

I am a teacher. If your school does not have students fill out a brag sheet, the I feel it is approximate for you son to send the teacher an email with things about himself he would like included. (This is part of my school’s sheet - it asks for 3 words they would use to describe themselves, what they feel are their best traits, achievements they are most proud of etc). I agree with others that the request would be best coming from your son, but there is nothing wrong with self advocacy. Just. She sure you frame it as “suggestions”, rather than telling the teacher what to write

He should try to self advocate, with your help, on the brag sheet. I think if he can talk to the teacher himself, that will indicate college readiness. You will not be able to advocate for him as much, in college. There are learning difference support at many colleges, so look for colleges with known programs.

What does your son want to get out of college and should he consider any vocational programs?
While there are colleges that accept C students, it could turn out that he is not ready, but I am not clear
about his goals. C grades in high school to me, points to considering community college or a vocational option, perhaps.

Today’s high schools have a lot of grade inflation so unless your son’s high school is very competitive, a grade of C, may mean he is not really ready for a four year college. Look at community college, too, which usually does not
need a letter of recommendation. Think about options, and careers that could fit him. Not every student is ready
for a four year college. But if his grades are trending towards B, and he is motivated, and he can hand in work independently, then college might be the right plan.

RIT in Rochester offers programs for Aspergers and ADHD students, for instance.

He goes to a very competitive private college prep high school. One third of the graduating class has an average below 80.