Review my UC Personal Statement please

<p>This is in response to the 2nd prompt. I would appreciate comments and criticisms</p>

<pre><code>I stood waiting with anticipation for my next prey. I hid in the shadows, sweat accumulating on my forehead. Time slowed down and everything moved slowly. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Were those footsteps I heard entering my dwelling? I prepared for attack. The footsteps are getting closer and my heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest. The footsteps are right next to where I lay hiding. I leapt out. “AHHHHH!” The children stood petrified for a split second. They proceeded to bolt out of the haunted house as quick as light. My friends and I talked about the scare and the reaction of the children. This continued for the rest of the night and the year after.
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<p>This was 5 years ago in 7th grade. I still remember spending hours with my friends Bradley and Richard preparing the haunted house to scare children and adults alike. We built the haunted house inside a garage. Don’t ask me how we did it. The prepping took time as we had to set up walls with trash bags and get the lighting at just the right intensity. The haunted house was finished by Halloween. Entrance fees came to mind but decided that the only reward we needed was knowing that we satisfied their need for scare and gave them a unique experience in Halloween rather than the repetitive “trick-or-treat.” The haunted house sadly ended with the start of high school.</p>

<p>That night I learned an important lesson, working hard can be joyful if you are passionate in what you are volunteering for and it does not have to end with personal gain. In other words, I found the meaning of good volunteering. Where people volunteer for what they are passionate about and not just laboring in work expecting good to come somewhere in the world. Where people don’t just volunteer because colleges like to see it, but because it’s what they are passionate about and because they enjoy helping the community.</p>

<p>The experience of working on building the haunted house and having a great time drew me closer to the world of volunteering. Before this experience, I had the impression that volunteering was just trudging through the hours volunteering because in the end it was apparently going to help children in Africa. The haunted house experience provided me with a newfound perception in service. Volunteering can be a fun, unique experience and there are many people, besides children in Africa, to volunteer for. In high school, I joined volunteer organizations that were interesting to me and allowed me to serve the people whether it be children in Africa or people in my community.Volunteer essentially made up the main core of my life as I volunteer with animals to homeless people, San Francisco to San Ramon.That Halloween night was the spark of my volunteering obsession. I am grateful of the new view of volunteering that the haunted house has provided me. Who knew that scaring children would influence volunteer work in a person? I knew I didn’t but I’m glad it did.</p>

<p>I’m going to be rather direct with this feedback, so here goes…</p>

<p>The essay is well written, but:</p>

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<li><p>You spend half of the piece discussing building/running a haunted house. I realize that, considering the time of the year, haunted houses are on the mind; however, the essay lacks a strong punchline. An admissions officer will read the essay and think: “Gee, I kinda wished he/she had written about real community service work.”</p></li>
<li><p>The connection between creating a haunted house and doing volunteer work is…tenuous at best. I realize your point is that the haunted house experience inspired you to do community service later on in life. Personally, I think it would have been more creative if you had actually charged an entrance fee to your haunted house and then used the proceeds to fulfill a need within your community (food/clothing for the indigent, homeless shelter, after-school program for kids, etc.).</p></li>
<li><p>Delete the “volunteering because colleges like to see it” and “helping children in Africa” bits. It makes you sound like a self-centered, privileged kid who somehow reached 12 years of age without caring about others. And, frankly, I didn’t see anything specifically in the haunted house story that would qualify as a transformative experience.</p></li>
<li><p>I’d recommend going back to the drawing board. Write about a real community service project. Good luck! You have lots of time before the Nov. 30th deadline. :-)</p></li>
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