Revised SOP - Any better?

Graduate School
1

<p>This one is around 900 words, but I don't think I can cut it down much further. Let me know how it reads. thanks.</p>

<hr>

<p>When it comes to my undergraduate education at Berkeley, I have only two regrets.</p>

<pre><code>The first is that I did not discover research sooner. I entered college confident I wanted to go into aerospace; a couple weeks sitting in on an upper div aerodynamics class changed that. Unfortunately, no other interest rose to take its place. While my classmates were excited about learning skills for their dream jobs in automotive industries and design, I grew disinterested in the work. I pursued non-scientific interests in politics and writing, attending talks and joining activist groups such as CalPIRG. Were it not for the Drake Scholarship binding me to Mech. Eng., I might have switch to pursue an academic career in Political Science. Only near the end of my sophomore year, guided by some of my engineering friends, did I decide to try out a research position. When I came back my junior year, I started work in the Biomechanics Lab.

The research was my second wind. My assignment was to assemble and process high resolution vertebral models to help understand how vertebral bone failed. With any luck, the results would validate an experimental in-vitro procedure for diagnosing osteoporosis. The study was cutting-edge and no one had used such high resolution models before. This was the sort of work I could see myself doing in the future.

A year and a half at the lab has taught me, if nothing else, that research takes time. Only recently were preliminary results from two studies I coauthored accepted for presentation at the 53rd Orthopedic Research Society meeting. Hopefully, one of these studies will be at a stage we can publish before I graduate.
</code></pre>

<p>Still, the process has prepared me for all the other rigors of graduate research. I have had to learn numerous computer skills just to advance my project, from writing scripts with Python to programming in C. More than any programming class, the work has taught me how to optimize code to process large data samples. Now, I am learning how to write code to visualize our finite element models under loading. In addition to technical skills, my presentation skills have also gone up from explaining and defending my work to the graduate students and my research advisor. </p>

<p>Most importantly, the work has taught me how to handle the unexpected. By definition, experiments often yield unexpected results. This problem is even more prevalent in computer simulations, when you have to determine whether such results are physical oddities or whether your code is faulty. In some cases, odd results provide even greater insights than if the experiment had gone as planned. My work has prepared me to analyze my results and determine what they truly mean. </p>

<p>My second regret is not discovering nanotechnology sooner. This too, happened my junior year and was actually brought about by a political science class. While researching Iranian OPEC status, I started running across articles outlining how global oil production would likely peak and then be unable to match demand. What really struck me was that the “crackpots” making these claims were people like Alan Greenspan, professors from Caltech, and Nobel winners Richard Smalley. I was a man obsessed that semester, working on my bone research at the lab, then coming home, scribbling down some answers to homework and spending the rest of my night poring over statistical formulas to analyze oil production charts. An optimist by nature, I quickly switched to exploring solutions. My research led me to discover CdSe quantum dots – tiny tunable photovoltaic converters that held great promise for absorbing the full spectrum of visible light. It was my first technical encounter with nanotechnology.</p>

<p>My research led me to sign up for the Intro to Nanotechnology course. Through lectures, guest speakers and journal articles, the class thrust me to the technical forefront of the field. For our independent study, I convinced my group to examine quantum dot solar cell technology. It was exhilarating just reading through published research, coming up with ideas regarding assembly and heterostructure that even the leading minds hadn’t considered. So, I continued to the MEMS course. Here, we spent more time on theory and fabrication methodology. For this project, my group is investigating energy generation in the microworld. By exploiting the Debye length, we have designed an array of nanochannels that serve as a microscale osmo-electric conversion system. </p>

<p>Studying at Berkeley has granted me the opportunity to discuss projects with the professors and graduate students who did the initial research. This is the sort of experience I want in my graduate education, and since _____ is at the forefront of nanoscale research, I am sure I will gain it here. In my classroom and independent studies I have come across <strong><em>’s work on _</em></strong> and ____<strong><em>’s work on _</em></strong>_, and I would really enjoy furthering the knowledge of such projects. </p>

<p>I wish I had discovered my passion for nanotechnology research earlier. However, As N.W. Dougherty famously said, “The ideal engineer is a composite ... He is not a scientist, he is not a mathematician, he is not a sociologist or a writer; but he may use the knowledge and techniques of any or all of these disciplines in solving engineering problems.” My research and classwork have prepared me to pursue graduate work in the nano sciences, and, in all likelihood, will lead me to pursue a Ph.D. afterwards. However, I have not forgotten the breath of my experience at Berkeley. As I intend to pursue a career in industry, the non-technical skills I gained will be invaluable to my future. The next two decades will be a formative period for the nanotechnology industry and I want to shape it commercially, as well as scientifically. My path to nano-engineering was not a simple one, but in retrospect, every stage of my journey has gotten me one step closer towards being an ideal engineer.</p>

2

<p>seems decent.</p>

3

<p>I disagree, it comes off as negative and has a few grammatical mistakes. </p>

<p>I wouldn't start any personal statement about regrets. If I were on an admissions committee I'd think that someone dwelling on regrets wouldn't be a good fit for my program. Secondly, I would get rid of research giving you a second wind in your field. A second wind implies that this too may pass. The admissions committee are looking for employees essentially. Second winds are easily lost and so would their employee.</p>

4

<p>Yeah, I was worried about opening like that. Guess I won't then.</p>

<p>Didn't really consider that aspect of the second wind line though. I thought it symbolized a reinvigoration, not a passing fad. I'll have to think about that.</p>

<p>Thanks for the input.</p>

5

<p>I agree you shouldn't start out so negatively.</p>

<p>Overall I get the impression that you have a lot of regrets and that you should've done things differently. You even start your last paragraph with "I wish I had discovered my passion for nanotechnology research earlier." I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, not too many people stick to the same area from freshmen to senior year (at least imo most don't). Basically the tone of your personal statement isn't right. Instead of an essay about regrets and shortcomings, it should be how you explored different areas for something more fulfilling and ended up doing MEMS and nanotechnology. I think there's no reason for you to even mention why you didn't have motivation to study aerospace.</p>

<p>Also I think you should omit "if nothing else" in this statement: "A year and a half at the lab has taught me, if nothing else, that research takes time."</p>

6

<p>Gah, my other essay did a better job I think, but it was way too long. I'm not really that hard on myself; I was trying to be self-deprecating, say something like even though I took a while to get there, the journey ultimately help shape me - or something like that. </p>

<p>I can skip the talk about aerospace, but that paragraph is kind of a casual explanation of some semi bad grades I had my freshman/early sophmore year.</p>

7

<p>Yeah, I thought that your previous draft was much better. Could you try to keep the same tone as in the last draft, while still cutting out the unnecessary material?</p>

8

<p>What's the word limit on these things? I've heard anywhere from 500(which would be impossible for me, because I have to discuss my research and research interests independently) to 1000, and I'm not sure how much adcoms are willing to read.</p>

9

<p>In general, I believe it's important to try and keep these under 1000 words. Mine is about 850 words, and I think I was able to say all I had to say without it appearing too lengthy. You risk it being skimmed through if it appears long or starts out too boring.</p>

10

<p>yea, my original was ~900 and i am FINALLY done w/ it (750ish). i cannot imagine being more concise, as i'm already leaving out some stuff i find essential. however, my research boss looked at it and recommended keeping it to 1 page single spaced... heh. the good cs schools get ~2000 - 3000 apps, so i cant imagine how hard it is to read all of the SOPs.</p>

<p>my guess is that the adcoms must just skim them and get an overall feeling... anyone know if this is actually the case?</p>

11

<p>ct- profs I've talked with mentioned that some schools divide up the applications and have the committee members take them home with them to weed out the obvious crap, and then they bring the ones that actually have a shot back to the committee for a fuller perusal. Others have not mentioned one committee member having the power to weed out, but that they come back with recommendations regarding the candidates, and all the members skim the stuff to see whether they agree or disagree. So it certainly seems likely that every adcom member won't read every essay.</p>

12

<p>Revision, just shy of 1000. </p>

<hr>

<p>A popular author once said about writing: “You can approach [it] with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness or even despair…Come to it any way but lightly.” It is advice I have taken to heart, because my decision to pursue graduate studies in MEMS seems to have come every way but lightly.</p>

<pre><code>My early undergrad years indirectly shaped this decision. I entered college confident that I wanted to work in aerospace, but that interest quickly faded. The only problem was that nothing took its place. While my classmates were excited about learning skills for their dream jobs in automotive industries and design, I could barely muster the effort to do my homework and maintain the GPA for my scholarship. During these first few semesters I strongly pursued activities such as political science and writing, going to speeches and taking part in activist groups such as CalPIRG. I even considered switching to pursue an academic or federal career as a political scientist.

Still, I could not bring myself to go through with it. I didn’t dislike engineering. I had just lost sight of where I saw myself in the field. I had heard that research was a different experience, so my junior year, I took a shot and joined the biomechanics lab.

My assignment was to assemble and process high resolution vertebral models to help understand how osteoporotic bone failed. With any luck, the results would validate an experimental in-vitro procedure for diagnosing osteoporosis. The study was cutting-edge; no one had used such high resolution models before. This was the sort of work I could see myself doing in the future.
</code></pre>

<p>A year and a half at the lab has taught me that research takes time. Only recently were preliminary results from two studies I coauthored accepted for presentation at the 53rd Orthopedic Research Society meeting. Still, the process has prepared me for all the other rigors of graduate research. I have had to learn numerous computer skills just to advance my project, from writing scripts with Python to programming in C. More than any class, the work has taught me how to optimize code to process large data samples. Now, I am learning how to write code to visualize our finite element models under loading. In addition, my presentation skills have also gone up from explaining and defending my work to the graduate students and my research advisor. </p>

<p>Most importantly, the work has taught me how to handle the unexpected. By definition, experiments often yield unexpected results. This problem is even more prevalent in computer simulations, when you have to determine whether such results are physical oddities or whether your code is faulty. In some cases, especially in emerging fields such as nanotechnology, odd results provide even greater insights than if the experiment had gone as planned. My work has prepared me to analyze my results and determine what they truly mean. And although my research interests have shifted, I am dedicated to seeing at least one of my projects to an end before I leave.</p>

<p>Around the same time I started research, a political science class solidified my engineering future. While researching Iran’s OPEC status, I started running across articles outlining how global oil production would likely peak and then be unable to match demand. The “Cassandras” making these claims were people like Alan Greenspan, professors from Caltech, and Nobel winners Richard Smalley. I was a man obsessed that semester, working on my bone research at the lab, then coming home, scribbling down some answers to homework and spending the rest of my night poring over statistical formulas to analyze oil production charts. An optimist by nature, I quickly switched to exploring solutions. My research led me to discover CdSe quantum dots – tiny tunable photovoltaic converters that held great promise for absorbing the full spectrum of visible light. It was my first technical encounter with nanotechnology.</p>

<p>This research led me to sign up for the Intro to Nanotechnology course. Through lectures, guest speakers and journal articles, the class thrust me to the technical forefront of the field. For our independent study, I convinced my group to examine quantum dot solar cell technology. It was exhilarating just reading through published research, coming up with ideas regarding assembly and hearing professors say, “It’s possible, but we don’t know yet.” So, I continued to the MEMS course. Here, we spent more time on theory and fabrication methodology. For this project, my group is investigating energy generation in the microworld. By exploiting the Debye length, we have designed an array of nanochannels that serve as a microscale osmo-electric conversion system. </p>

<p>Studying at Berkeley has granted me the opportunity to discuss projects with the professors and graduate students who did the initial research. This is the sort of experience I want in my graduate education, and since _____ is at the forefront of nanoscale research, I am sure I will gain it here. In my classroom and independent studies I have come across <strong><em>’s work on _</em></strong> and ____<strong><em>’s work on _</em></strong>_, and I would really enjoy furthering the knowledge of such projects. </p>

<p>Although I wish my interests have revealed themselves earlier, I do not regret my journey. I intend to follow up my M.S. with a Ph.D, but my career interests lie outside academia. The next two decades will be a formative period for the nanotechnology industry and I wish to help shape it commercially, as well as scientifically. My experiences at Berkeley, both engineering and otherwise have prepared me for this pursuit. As N.W. Dougherty famously said, “The ideal engineer is a composite ... He is not a scientist, he is not a mathematician, he is not a sociologist or a writer; but he may use the knowledge and techniques of any or all of these disciplines in solving engineering problems.” My path to nano-engineering was not a simple one, but in retrospect, every stage has put me one step closer to this ideal engineer.</p>

13

<p>I know its pretty common but I would define MEMS the first time you use it.</p>

14

<p>Don't have time to read the revised version, but I wanted to make a brief comment about the adcoms.</p>

<p>It really depends on who reads it. When I applied for my MS program, my advisor asked me questions that referred to my essay when I met with him after my acceptance.</p>

<p>However, for my PhD program, my advisor didn't remember what undergrad institution I came from (he only remembered MS institute) let alone anything I had to say in my statement of purpose.</p>