My roommate is a lovely person. Let’s just put that out there. However, she has mental health issues. She has what I have gathered from my observations panic attack disorder. We have separate rooms, and one day I heard her make very weird noises (hyperventilating). I asked her later what it was and she said she was having a panic attack. I thought nothing of it and moved on. However, she has begun to have these panic attacks every day and at most two to three times a day. They have woken me up in the middle of the night (and I am separated by a wall and I can still hear them). Her boyfriend will be in the room with her to comfort her so I try to stay out of their business, but it is effecting my sleep and everyday life. She doesn’t want help and doesn’t believe in taking medicine. I think my only option is to move out. But what will become of her after I move out. She can’t function. Has run off and her boyfriend asked for me to help look for her because she was a danger to herself. She sounds mentally unstable and doesn’t want to do anything about it. She can’t work, or go to school. Right now her boyfriend pays her rent and does everything for her. Other than that she is pretty cool. She is super nice. I wish the best for her, but she doesn’t want help and I fear for her future. What should I do and what can I do? I know its none of my business, but is it?
I also would like to add that I have tried talking to her several times, and told her I was there for her. However, she is very closed off and refuses to speak of it. She likes to keep so many things private and is very mysterious which is fine. I just wish she would open up about her issues so I could better help her.
If you agree, call 911. Someone who is a danger to themselves needs to be hospitalized and kept under supervision. This is life threatening.
@dewiedubby Yes, it is your business. If something were to happen to her, you would never forgive herself. You need to either call 911 or if it’s not that dire today, talk to someone at school.
I wish my son’s roommate had alerted his school when DS started struggling. The boy didn’t, and my son ended up close to a psychotic break before he got help.
I edited the title of your post - calling someone “mentally unhinged” is not appropriate.
While I appreciate the comments of others, I believe they are wrong to say “yes this is your business.” It’s only your business to an extremely limited degree.
If I were your parent I would say that your priorities are first and foremost to yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first, then help others.
- notify the administration and 911;
- immediately ask for a room change;
- and keep on asking until they grant this to you.
This may mean that you take the “gentle squeaking wheel” approach of gently showing up at the housing office every day and maybe sitting in the office and even doing your assignments there while you wait for them to reassign you.
Always, always be pleasant and gracious, but firmly sit tight until you get what you came for. You stay there and smile and ask them if they have a room change for you yet until they do.
Then instantly change rooms. That’s your priority.
The group that’s primarily responsible for your roommate is in this order: 1) your roommate; 2) the admin as “in loco parentis”; 3) the parents of your roommate.
I would absolutely let the housing people know your roommate is struggling. And your RA. I would not want to have any regrets about inaction if I looked back on that situation ten years later.
I would make sure I told as many appropriate people as I could what the roommate was telling me.
I don’t know if I would call 911 because I think that’s for acute emergencies. Maybe the police non-emergency number (all police stations have them, you can google it) and ask them for help for your roommate-they may be able to point you in the right direction.
I would also get another room. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself, as well.
I got the impression that the OP and her roommate are off campus because she said that the boyfriend is paying her “rent.” Thus, I don’t know how res life or housing can help or whether the OP can move out since she may have a lease.
My suggestion is to work with the boyfriend to get him to try and convince her to call her parents. Also, maybe seek some advice from the school mental health center about how to best approach the issue with the young lady. She was open enough to tell the OP about her panic attacks so maybe she would speak with her. Then again, the whole issue might be moot if she fails out of her classes this year and that would be terribly sad, but NOT the OP’s fault.
I agree with the poster who said to call the police or campus security if she goes missing again but tell the boyfriend OP will do that.
Good luck to the OP and to the roommate and her bf.
I will repeat this because it’s critical that everyone understand: If you are living with someone who is struggling to the extent described in the first post, it is your business as a decent human being to get him or her help, or at least give it your best try. Having one child with schizophrenia, a second with bipolar disorder, and a third with severe anxiety, I implore everyone to understand this. I also had a nephew commit suicide. If someone had stepped in, maybe he would still be alive today.
This is not a time for guessing.
If you believe someone is a danger to themselves then this is a 911 emergency.
People who are suicidal have a very high success rate.
Call 911 and let professionals handle it.
This is not an intrusion because suicides affect the people close to the victim also.
This is for your mental well being also.
Yes, caring is part of being a decent human being. But if the person in question doesn’t “believe” in medicine like some sort of ultra religious person or an anti-vaxxer or something like that, there’s not much you can do to help a person who won’t help themselves… I’d recommend talking to her/an RA about it because it sounds like she needs some sort of special housing and you need to be able to move on with your life.
Is this a private apartment house or off campus housing that the college oversees? Ask for a room change immediately. Is there a counseling center that you can speak to someone about your roommate, or an anonymous reporting system? Some colleges have a response team of professionals that follow through on these reports. By following these suggestions, you will help both yourself and ensure that help is made available to your roommate. If there is another episode in the meantime that seems where she is a danger to herself or others, call 911.
@philbegas, it is estimated that 50% of people with serious mental illness do not believe they are ill. That doesn’t mean you don’t call for help for them.
Oh, and if you end up calling 911, ask for a “CIT [Crisis Intervention Team] trained” police officer. That person will have had training in how to handle someone with mental illness. It makes a HUGE difference, from personal experience.
@MaineLonghorn I’m mostly speaking in the long term. I think that the person OP is talking about probably needs a different housing situation than what they have.
Thank you so much. I will defiantly figure out how to get her help and find a solution. Time to intervene and let her know I will not let this continue without intervention and will get her the necessary help. Thank you
By the way @dewiedubby , I know it’s hard when the person is living in a dorm but she sounds like a candidate for an emotional support animal
If it is affecting your sleep and your daily life, your first priority is yourself. By all means, try to get her help if you can, but I disagree that it is the responsibility of an 18-20 yr old to manage the health of an unwilling roommate. That’s not your job. Let your RA know about the issues if you have one, but beyond that, focus on doing what’s best for you. This is not a living situation anyone should have to be in, and it is no fault of your own. You are not trained to handle these situations and you shouldn’t have to.
I didn’t say it was her responsibility to manage her health - I said she should talk to an adult at school.
I looked into emotional support animals for my son - there is always a long waiting list, and they are very expensive. 
@MaineLonghorn Is it a long waiting list for a trained animal or the permit? I know some people who have anxiety who simply used their long-term animal friends for this. For example, my friend had a bengal cat she loved to death and she brings it with her (to vet school) at UC Davis lol.
An aside: Is the dog in your profile picture yours?
I’m not saying I disagree with you, I’m saying that beyond an attempt to refer her to the right people, her priority is to get herself out of this situation and not feel like she is responsible for her roommate when she’s already shown to be unwilling to get help. If the roommate’s boyfriend is asking OP to “look after her because she’s a danger to herself,” that’s not okay and not something she should be expected to do.